


Criminals

by A Sirius Crush On Moony (Obsession137)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Child Abuse, Eventual Sex, Incest, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Slash, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 20:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 46
Words: 121,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4073383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsession137/pseuds/A%20Sirius%20Crush%20On%20Moony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of two brothers who, against everything and everyone, fall deeply in love. The world seems to be against them, but are they strong enough to fight for their love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Girlfriend Talk

It was the first night back at Hogwarts and the beginning of sixth year for the Marauders. It had been a long summer. OWL results had come in, and then it was time to choose which NEWTs to do for sixth and seventh year. The Marauders hadn't found much time to meet up during the holidays. Peter and Remus had both been on holiday with their families – Peter to Spain and Remus to Egypt. Sirius had just stayed home, and with his family being how they are, that meant he wasn't to see James all holiday. James had a very boring summer holiday sending letters to his friends and dying to see Lily.

They were all glad to be back at Hogwarts. Though Remus and Peter both had exciting holidays, the four of them weren't truly happy unless they were all together. That was what it meant to be a Marauder.

None of the boys were getting much sleep on their first night – there was so much to talk about. They were all sitting on the edges of their beds and passing around chocolates and sweets.

"This will be my year," James said, biting the head off of a muggle jelly baby that Peter had brought to Hogwarts with him.

"Do elaborate," Sirius said, taking a swig from the bottle of Firewhisky they had smuggled in. He passed the bottle over to Remus, who of course, refused.

"I'm getting Lily," James replied. "I've matured over the summer."

"You sound like a fine wine," Remus snorted.

"You got the 'fine' bit right," James grinned. "Well, that's what I want Lily to think anyway."

"The only way you'll get her to fall for you is to be yourself. Don't pretend you've _matured_ ," Peter said.

Sirius laughed. "What makes _you_ such an expert on girls?"

"He has a _girlfriend_ now, remember?" James said, winking at Peter, who was turning bright red.

"Leave him alone," Remus said. "Yes, he has a girlfriend now. Better than any of us, so don't make fun."

"Did you see Mary much during the holidays?" Sirius asked, probably to keep himself from laughing at the fact that his chubby spotty friend had found an equally chubby spotty girlfriend.

"She came over once before we went to Spain and then when I came back," Peter said. "We sent each other loads of letters."

" _Love_ letters," James teased. " _Mary, my darling. I'm thinking of you all the time and I just love you so much and we should make babies and-_ "

"Don't pretend you didn't write that same nonsense on a love letter to Lily," Remus said, smirking.

"No," James lied. "I did nothing of the sort."

"Idiot," Sirius said, shaking his head. "You have no clue when it comes to her."

"Let's make a pact," James said, trying to sound serious. "Let's all vow to get girlfriend this year."

"Well I've done my part," Peter said, leaning back on his bed looking smug. "Pass the Firewhisky will you?"

Sirius rolled the bottle across the floor to Peter and folded his arms. "What if some of us don't want to get a girlfriend?"

" _You_ don't want a girlfriend?" Remus raised his eyebrows. "You're the flirtiest person in our year."

"Flirting is more fun than relationships," Sirius shrugged. "And you don't want a girlfriend either so don't give me crap about it."

"I didn't say I don't want a girlfriend," Remus corrected. "I'm just not actively seeking one. If someone comes along that I like, then we'll see what happens."

"And maybe that's what I'm doing," Sirius replied.

"You told me that the thought of having a girlfriend is the most vomit-inducing thing you could think of," James pointed out. "Weirdo."

"It's pretty fun," Peter said. "You get to touch boobs."

Remus shook his head. "Is that _all_ you guys care about?"

"Of course not," James said. "We care about other things too."

"Like?"

"Lily has a nice ass," James commented, his eyes glazing over.

"You're so gross," Sirius said, shuddering. "Lily is like the devil. She's evil and conniving and she hates us."

"She hates you guys," Remus said. "She likes me, and maybe because I actually show her respect."

"I show her respect!" James spluttered. "I would take her on a million romantic dates and look after her for the rest of my life if she let me."

Remus smiled. "Yes, you respect her, but you don't respect Snape, who is her oldest friend."

James gagged. "I am never going to respect _that_ slimeball."

"Yeah, he's called Snivellus for a reason," Sirius added. "He is disgusting."

"And he smells too," Peter said.

"Exactly!" James said. "Lily should understand that."

"And this is the exact reason she says you aren't mature," Remus said, smiling sadly. "Don't worry, James. You'll get there eventually."

James groaned. "Well, we'll still make a vow. Sirius can stay out of it."

Sirius sat back against his headboard and nodded. He wasn't sure whether now would be the time to tell them the truth. He wanted to tell them more than anything, but he was so afraid of how they would react. In truth, they had never even discussed homosexuality, so he had no idea where his friends stood on the subject. He liked to hope that they would be okay with him being gay, but it was all a matter of if.

He was broken out of his thoughts when Remus spoke. "Look , I think the pact should really be 'let's help James get with Lily', because Peter has a girl, and Sirius and I aren't too bothered."

"I'm not at all bothered," Sirius corrected, sucking on a blood pop and grinning a bloody smile.

"Right," Remus said, looking disgusted. "You look like a vampire."

"Awesome!"

"Not awesome," Remus replied. "I hate vampires."

"That reminds me," Sirius said. "Let's all dress up for Halloween this year. Remus can be a werewolf, I can be a vampire-"

"-Ha ha," Remus rolled his eyes. "I will never dress up as a werewolf. I get enough of that every month."

"I'll dress up as a zombie," James said. "A sexy one."

"And Wormtail can be some weird demon thing."

"He's got the weird part down to a tee," James replied.

"I am still here, you know," Peter said, looking annoyed. "You guys always talk about me when I'm sitting here."

"Look mate," Sirius said. "I talk about everyone right in front of them. Don't take it personally."

"Same," James shrugged. "It's just how we are. Now, back to the topic of girls."

"I'm going to sleep," Sirius sighed.

"No!" James said. "I don't want to be the only one getting a girlfriend. Remus, name someone. We'll get you together."

"Er-"

"-Come _on_! You must fancy someone," James said, grinning. "Marlene McKinnon? Alice Prewett," he winked.

"She's dating Frank. They've been dating since third year," Remus laughed.

"And?"

"You're ridiculous," Remus shook his head. "I don't fancy anyone in particular."

"Mmm, how about that cute Ravenclaw girl you sat next to in Herbology last year. What's her name?"

"Joanna," Remus said. "No she's just a friend."

"A friend with massive boobs," James exclaimed, looking excited. "Come on, you _must_ like her."

"She's okay," Remus said uncertainly. "But I can't get a girlfriend without explaining to her that I'm a werewolf, and I'm just not ready for that yet."

"Hmmm, fine," James sighed. "But Sirius, you're not off the hook yet."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Look, I don't want a girlfriend."

"Marlene McKinnon writes your name in love hearts on her homework," James said.

"That's disgusting," Sirius muttered. "Let me sleep, please. I'm all talked out."

James and Remus exchanged glances and shrugged. Sirius often acted strange and moody after he'd seen his family. It was part of being the 'disappointing blood-traitor monster' of the Black family, as his mother liked to call him.

"I guess it's lights out time," James said.

"G'night," Sirius said, pulling the covers over himself as the room went dark. He hadn't realised how tired he was until time. Not just physically tired, but emotionally. He was tired of the lying. He was tired of avoiding the conversation he was so desperate not to have. He was tired of pretending to be someone he wasn't.

And then he woke up and faced the reality of what he needed to do.

Tomorrow, he would tell his friends that he was gay.


	2. A Shard Of Glass

Regulus Black sat curled up on the cold stone floor of the bathroom, staring at the wall. It was four o'clock in the morning, and he hadn't slept at all. All of his dorm mates were snoring and the sounds were driving him crazy. He slowly stood up and walked towards the mirror, taking a look at his reflection.

He couldn't even recognise his own face. His hair was messy and he couldn't remember the last time he brushed it. His eyes were tired, with dark circles beneath them like stains on his pale skin. He was a stranger.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there staring before the tears started to roll down his cheeks. His heart ached as he sobbed, and the anger bubbled over him.

He raised his arm and balled his hand into a fist. Without a second thought his fist made hard contact with the mirror, smashing it into a million and one sharp bloody pieces.

The sound made him jump, and he realised with shock what he had just done. His knuckles were bleeding, and the pain was shooting right up his arm. He ran to the sink and ran cold water over them, cursing himself.

After five minutes or so, he grabbed a towel, and collected up all the little pieces of mirror from the floor. He wrapped the towel around them, and then disposed of it in the bin.

Just as he was about to leave the bathroom to try and get some sleep, he spotted a shard of mirror that he had missed, that had scattered across the floor and into the corner. He picked it up with the intention of throwing it into the bin, but he stopped in his tracks.

The pain was too much, it was overwhelming. All he wanted was for it to stop.

He wondered...

Taking the shard in his hand, he raised it above his left wrist and then touched the edge to his soft skin. It pressed into him, and the sharpness made him draw a little breath. He pushed it further, piercing his own skin and drawing more blood.

He dragged the blade across the length of his wrist, wincing at the pain but revelling in the feeling. It was empowering. For this time, he could no longer feel the emotions that had been crippling him for so long. He felt in control.

He watched his dark blood trickle down his wrist and over his fingers, and he wasn't sure why he smiled, but he did. It was like a massive release of everything he had been keeping buried inside of him.

He sat for a couple of minutes and then threw the shard of mirror into the bin with the rest and washed the blood away. It felt more painful now, and he winced as he placed tissue over the wound. He decided he would go back to bed, and he hoped the wound would stop bleeding by then.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of the bathroom and back into his dormitory where everybody else was still sound asleep.

He tip-toed over to his bed and slipped under the covers. The pain in his wrist was throbbing, but he loved it. The voices in his head had stopped screaming at him, and he finally managed to fall into a peaceful sleep.

It felt like no time before he was woken up by the others getting up. He pulled the covers down and took a look at where he'd cut himself. The wound had stopped bleeding. He quickly got dressed and made himself look presentable for his first day back at Hogwarts.

He hurried towards his first class before any of his friends could start talking to him. He decided he was going to skip breakfast. He wasn't hungry – in fact, he hadn't had much of an appetite in weeks. He was sure nobody would notice. He was kind of unnoticeable in that way. Sometimes it was a good thing.

He leaned against the wall of the Potions classroom and ran a hand through his hair. He took a look and realised that his knuckles were still all red and swollen, and they had scabbed over. If anyone asked, he would say he fell over and landed on his knuckles.

 _Dumb excuse_ , he told himself. It was better than telling them the truth. Nobody could know of his struggles. By day he was the perfect Slytherin student, getting good grades and keeping everything together. By night, he was an emotional wreck, who punched mirrors and cut his wrists.

It wasn't difficult to keep up the act if he knew he could release all of the emotions at the end of the night.

Time passed, and it was time to start his first class of the year. "Welcome everyone, to Potions and your OWLs!"

* * *

"Hey! Regulus, wait up!" Barty yelled, making Regulus stop in his tracks back to the Slytherin common room at dinner time.

"Yes?"

"Aren't you coming to dinner?" Barty asked.

 _Damn it_ , Regulus thought. "I had a big lunch," he lied. "I just kind of want to get on with all this homework."

"Wow, how boring," Barty complained. "Come on man, we have so much to catch up on."

Regulus desperately just wanted to go back and get on with his work. It helped take his mind off things.

"No, sorry," he mumbled, feeling slightly guilty at the look on his friend's face. "I'm not hungry."

"You don't have to eat," Barty said.

"Bye," Regulus replied, making a quick exit before Barty could say anything else. He was almost back to the common room when he ran into his other friend, Scabior.

"Oi, where are you going? The Great Hall is _that_ way," Scabior said, grabbing Regulus by the shoulders and swivelling him around.

"I'm not in the mood," Regulus growled. He hadn't meant for it to come out so abrupt, but he didn't apologise either.

Scabior looked taken aback. "Well, so _rry_. No need to be rude."

"Fuck you," Regulus hissed.

Scabior shoved him hard against the wall as he stalked off towards the Great Hall. Every muscle in Regulus's body was screaming at him to chase after Scabior and jinx him into next month, but he stopped himself. It was his own fault for snapping for no reason.

He brushed off his robes and continued back to the common room. He muttered the password under his breath and made a beeline for the table in the corner. He knew that it being fifth year, he would be drowning in homework very soon, so his plan was to keep on top of everything.

He pulled out all of his textbooks, his quill, and his ink. He had a new roll of parchment in his bag that he uncurled and lay out on the table.

He was about half way into his homework when he began to notice the whispers. He tried not to listen – he kept his eyes glued to his work.

The whispers seemed to get louder and louder, and then people were laughing. He knew he was being paranoid – they weren't talking about him. They were all just excited because it was the first day back. He gave in and looked up at the other people in the common room.

Every single person was staring at him. One whispered to the other, and he listened closely. _"Look at the cut on his wrist. He's pathetic."_

He slammed his fist down on the desk, spilling his ink all over his work. When he looked back up he realised what he had just seen had been in his mind. Nobody was even paying the slightest bit of attention to him. He cursed himself for ruining his essay.

It was getting late, and he couldn't be bothered to start again.

He headed to his dormitory and went straight to the bathroom. He rifled through the bin and grabbed another sharp piece of mirror and lifted it to the same wrist. He didn't really want to re-open the wound so he placed it just above where he had cut the night before.

Bracing himself, he sliced his skin open, letting the blood run out. Just like that, the feeling was back. He felt relieved. It was like a detox.

 _Drip. Drip. Drip_. Little red dots of blood spotted the sink. He turned on the tap and washed the blood away. He knew he could get through what he was going through.

He just needed to be strong. He covered up his cuts and walked back out of the bathroom. He spotted Scabior sitting on his bed, looking irritated.

"Look," he said to Scabior. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I wasn't feeling too well. Will you forgive me?"

Scabior breathed out slowly and shook his head. "Of course," he said. "I'm sorry for slamming you into the wall."

Regulus smiled slightly. "It's okay. I'm going to sleep. Good night."

"Good night," Scabior said.

He smiled, closed the curtains to his bed and let his smile fade. Resting his head on the pillow, he closed his eyes. All in all, a better first day than he had anticipated. That felt good.


	3. Coming Out

It was now Wednesday and Sirius was trying hard not to punch himself in the face. He still hadn't told his friends that he was gay. It was suffocating him. He just wanted to get it off of his chest. The fear of losing them was unbearable.

He sat in Charms twiddling his thumbs. He absent-mindedly watched Remus sitting next to him taking down every single thing that Professor Flitwick was saying. He knew he should really do the same, but there was too much on his mind. He couldn't find the words to say, and he was scared that if he tried to say them, nothing would come out.

He laughed at himself inside. Sirius Black, the most outgoing, outrageous student, afraid to tell his friends a little secret.

"What are you laughing at?" Remus whispered. Sirius was mortified. He'd laughed out loud.

"Nothing," he said quickly. "Will you let me copy your notes later?"

Remus looked disapproving, but sighed and nodded. "Fine," he said. "You idiot."

"That's me," he grinned, resting his head in his hands. He wished it could be so easy to just blurt it out to Remus.

Then the idea struck him. He would write it down.

He ripped the bottom of his parchment off and started scribbling.

' _I need to tell you something.'_

He folded it up and passed it discreetly to Remus. Remus rolled his eyes and opened it. He began writing.

' _I know.'_

Sirius looked confused.

' _You know what?'_

Remus scribbled away.

' _Your hair is softer than a puppy dog.'_

Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head.

' _That's true, but that's not what I wanted to tell you.'_

' _What is it?'_

Sirius looked at his best friend and sighed. He took the parchment back.

' _You must promise not to tell anyone. I'm not ready to tell James and Peter yet.'_

Remus now looked interested. He nodded.

' _Go on'_ he wrote.

Sirius felt physically sick. This could be the moment.

' _You can't hate me.'_

Remus grinned.

' _I could never hate you, you idiot. You became a dog for me.'_

Sirius laughed. That was very true.

' _Fine. Well, there's a reason I'm not interested in getting a girlfriend.'_

' _Which is?'_

This was it. This was the moment he had been so worried about.

' _I'm gay.'_

He handed the note to Remus. He watched in trepidation as Remus began to unfold the note.

"Mind sharing with the rest of the class?" Professor Flitwick said, startling them both. He was standing over Remus, who had half-unfolded the note.

 _SHIT SHIT SHIT_ , Sirius thought furiously

"No thank you," Remus said politely, scrunching the note up in his fist.

"Excuse me?" Professor Flitwick demanded. "Give me the note now."

Sirius's heart was pounding in his chest. He wanted to beg Remus not to let the teacher read it out to the class, but all he could do was sit in stunned silence.

Remus sighed and placed the note down in the desk in front of him. Before Flitwick could snatch the note up, Remus had pulled his wand out and mumbled "incendio", causing the note to burn up into a crumbled mess on the table.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," Flitwick said furiously. "And detention. I would expect better from you, Mr Lupin."

Remus glared at Sirius, who shrunk back in his seat and shrugged.

* * *

"Mind telling me what I got detention for?" Remus said, corning Sirius after class. Sirius felt ill. He couldn't say the words, he just couldn't.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, trying to make a quick escape. "I c-can't tell you."

Remus looked amused. "Sirius Black, lost for words? That's a new one."

"Yeah, it's so funny isn't it," Sirius said. "I'll write it down for you later."

"Oh come on," Remus said, smiling. "It can't be that bad. You know you can trust me."

Sirius felt uneasy. He looked around to make sure nobody was in hearing distance. "Really, Remus. I have never been so nervous in my life."

"It's okay," Remus promised. "Please."

"Okay, okay," Sirius said. "Well, er, basically. You know, what I wrote was, basically – you know, the thing is, well, umm... I'm, uh, well," he sighed. He had never been so tongue-tied.

"Spit it out, will you?" Remus laughed.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I'm... urgh, look I'm interested in guys, okay?"

He slowly opened one eye and then the other, desperate for Remus to say something. He felt annoyed when he saw Remus start to laugh.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing, nothing," Remus said, biting his lip. "Just, nothing. I'm glad you told me. Thank you."

"You – you aren't disgusted?" Sirius asked in relief.

"Of course not, you idiot," Remus rolled his eyes. "I just think it's so funny how scared you were to tell me."

"Oh thank fucking Merlin," Sirius said, leaning back against the wall with a grin.

Remus smiled and leaned back against the wall next to him. "So you're gay. We'll need to help you get a guy then, since we're helping James get Lily."

Sirius laughed. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"Thanks," Remus grinned. "So I've been told."

"Honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better best friend," Sirius said. "You'll really help?"

"Yes," Remus replied. "But you need to find a way to tell Prongs and Wormtail because I know for a fact that they won't think of you any differently either."

"You think?"

"They accepted me," Remus mumbled. " _You_  accepted me. Being a werewolf is far more taboo than being gay. Trust me, I'd trade places with you any day."

"I'll try and tell them," Sirius said. "I'll try, but you saw how idiotic I get when I try telling people."

Remus laughed. "You're always idiotic Sirius, nothing new there."

"Wow, thanks," Sirius said, nudging him.

"Come on, let's get out of here. Better make the most of the rest of our day before we get stuck in detention later."

"Sorry about that, by the way," Sirius said.

"It's fine," Remus replied. "But if you get me into another detention I'll kill you."

"Duly noted," Sirius nodded.

* * *

"Where have you guys been?" James asked when they finally turned up to dinner.

"What happened to  _you_?" Sirius asked, trying not to laugh at James's new look. He was sporting a pair of abnormally large ears and his two front teeth now extended to the bottom of his chin. His hair was a green Mohawk.

"Take a wild guess," Peter said, looking pointedly at Lily, who was talking animatedly to her friends, at the other side of the Gryffindor table.

"You tried to flirt with Evans?" Sirius guessed.

"Worse," Peter said."

"I kinda made a grab for her ass," James said, looking slightly guilty. The look of disapproval that he received from Remus made him seem to physically shrink in his seat.

"You deserved the makeover then," Remus said. "I must congratulate Lily later on that."

"Moony!" James whined. "You're supposed to be my mate!"

"But that is some amazing spellwork right there," Remus said.

"You seriously look disgusting," Sirius said, examining a piece of chicken that had been wedged between James's goofy new teeth. He grabbed a toothpick from the table and tried to get it out.

"What  _are_  you doing?" James asked.

"There's chicken in your teeth."

"EWWWW, get it out!"

"That's what I'm trying to do, but you keep bloody talking," Sirius rolled his eyes. James decided to shut up.

When the chicken was finally removed, James turned to Remus and frowned. "Remus, my dear, clever friend. Please can you undo this monstrosity that she cast on me?"

"Hmmm," Remus grinned. "I  _could_. But only if you  _and_  Sirius agree to take your own notes this year."

Sirius and James stared at each other in disgusted shock. "You can't be serious."

"No, you're Sirius," Remus said. "And I am being serious. You guys are sixth years now. I can't be doing this for another year."

"Fine," James growled.

Remus looked at Sirius. "Sirius?"

"But-"

"Just say yes," James hissed. "I have goofy teeth and a Mohawk."

" _FINE_!" Sirius gave in. After all, Remus had been so kind about his secret.

Remus muttered a spell under his breath, and suddenly James was all back to normal. "That's more like it!" he grinned. "Now, time to get Lily back."

"Ooooh payback time!" Peter said. "I'm in."

"We will do something to her beloved Snivellus," James's grin grew to the point of looking creepy.

"I don't condone this," Remus sighed. "See you in detention, Sirius," he said, standing up and heading out.

Sirius rubbed his hands together excitedly. "Let's brainstorm!"


	4. A Cold Reminder

Regulus was getting quite good at the whole "pretending" thing. His friends didn't suspect the slightest bit of struggle inside of him. He was glad –he didn't want to burden anybody with his problems.

They entered their Divination classroom, where they were learning about dream interpretation. Regulus sighed. He'd had another nightmare last night about Lord Voldemort. He didn't want to be doing this class.

The professor asked them to pair up. He was paired with Barty, who was looking extremely bored. Regulus tried to copy Barty's bored expression to cover up the fear he felt. His now scarred forearms from weeks of cutting tingled as he thought of some way not to think about the things he was so afraid of. He wanted to let it all out, but he couldn't. He was stuck for the next hour in this stuffy classroom with no way of releasing the emotions that haunted his every thought.

"Please open to page 32, and attempt to interpret the dreams you had last night."

"Well," Barty said, opening the book. "I dreamt that Slytherin won the house cup. Also I was wearing a pink hat, which is weird..."

"Huh, cool," Regulus said absent-mindedly, staring at the crystal ball on the table in front of them. He'd never seen anything in it before, but there was something off about it today. The mistiness inside seemed to be moving and showing him something.

He could see two people entangled together. It looked like they were kissing – it looked passionate. He looked closer and he could see himself. Both people were himself. He tried to look away, but he couldn't. It was strange. Why would he see himself kissing himself? Maybe it meant that he'd find peace within eventually? Maybe it meant that he was going to die and that was his last goodbye?

"Reg?"

Regulus broke out of his thoughts and looked at his friend, raising his eyebrows. "Yes?"

"What did _you_ dream about last night?" Barty prompted. "And please tell me it wasn't some crazy sex dream."

Regulus laughed. "Well," he said, trying to think. "I had a dream that... Hufflepuffs ruled the world."

He mentally kicked himself – why would he ever dream such a dream? It was the first random dream idea that popped into his head. Barty began to laugh. "Good one. Good thing that dreams really don't come true."

"I know," Regulus said. "That would be some world."

It wasn't long before the class was over. Regulus felt like he was suffocating and needed to get some air. As soon as they were told they could leave, he was out of the door and in the boys' toilets. He had a shard with him. He cut himself. And again. And again. He rarely felt any pain from it anymore. It was more of a relief. The same way people smoked to relieve stress. This was just more cleansing.

He felt guilty afterwards, but the guilt was nothing compared to the feeling of control he felt after he cut. When his emotions got the better of him, it was so difficult to control, but when he controlled his own pain, he felt powerful. It was the best idea he'd ever had. A little voice in his head asked him why his great idea had to be kept hidden from everyone if it was such a good idea. This was his only doubt.

He cleaned up and headed back out. It was lunch time. He still wasn't eating too much, so he headed back down to the Slytherin common room.

When he arrived, his owl was waiting for him with a letter. He gulped. The letter had the Black Family Crest in the corner. He hadn't heard from his parents since he'd got back to Hogwarts.

He took the letter to his room and opened it in privacy.

' _Dear Regulus,_

_We would like you to know that what we talked about over the summer, will be happening at the end of your seventh year of Hogwarts. We know that you aren't too fond of the idea, but we are your parents and you must respect our decisions for you. Don't be your brother – you know what will happen to him eventually._

_Of course we cannot divulge too much into the details in this letter but half term is almost upon us so we will have a proper discussion on the matter during the holidays. Please reconsider your feelings on this. We know that you know this is the best thing for you._

_Looking forward to seeing you soon._

_Mother and Father.'_

Regulus felt physically sick. He folded up the letter and tucked it away in his robes. He took it back out and re-read it and then he really needed to run to the toilet to throw up. His throat ached as he wretched over and over. He hadn't eaten in so long that he had nothing to bring up. Tears formed in his eyes. He didn't know how much longer he could live through this.

He closed his eyes and thought back to the summer when his parents had first brought it up.

* * *

_Regulus was sitting in his bedroom when there was a knock on the door. He stood up and opened the door. Kreacher, one of the Black family's house elves, was standing there._

" _Yes, Kreacher?"_

" _Master Regulus has been summoned by his parents. They are in the dining room."_

" _Thanks for letting me know," he replied, closing the door and heading down to the dining room to see his parents. When he walked in, his mother and father were sitting next to one another and his father gestured for him to sit down in the chair opposite them._

_He sat without a sound. These kinds of meetings never ended well._

" _Regulus, son," his father said. "We have matters to discuss."_

" _Yes, father?"_

" _We have called you here to discuss your future."_

" _Oh?" Regulus asked, his heart pounding furiously in his chest. He had a feeling he knew what they had called him for. They would probably soon begin to arrange a marriage for him._

" _Lord Voldemort is one of the greatest leaders of our time," his mother said. "Everything he stands for is right up with everything our family values. It would be a great honour if you would join him."_

_Regulus froze in his seat. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Lord Voldemort? Regulus didn't exactly believe in what their family stood for either – he pretended so that he would not get shunned as his brother did. He would not join Lord Voldemort. He would not._

" _I... can't," he stammered. He had never stood up to his parents before. It was the scariest thing he'd ever had to face._

" _Excuse me?"_

" _I can't join him," Regulus said, heart hammering. "I won't."_

" _You don't understand, Regulus," his father said sternly. "This isn't a request."_

" _What is it, then?" he asked._

" _It's a demand."_

" _You can't make me," Regulus begged. "Please, I don't want to."_

" _Why not? The man promises a pureblood world, why wouldn't you want to be a part of that?"_

_Regulus swallowed hard and shook his head. "I wouldn't expect you two to understand."_

" _You are beginning to sound exactly like your brother."_

" _Maybe that's a good thing," Regulus replied bravely. Before he knew what was happening, he was on the floor writhing in pain. Every part of his body was in agony. He screamed and screamed but nobody was going to help him. He was defenceless._

" _STOP!" he yelled at his mother who was pointing her wand at him, and who was the culprit for inflicting the cruciatus curse on him._

_After what seemed like forever, the pain stopped, and he was free to stand back up._

" _I suggest you go and pack your bags. You are going back to Hogwarts in a few days."_

_Regulus stormed out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him. They had never used the cruciatus curse against him before. It cracked something deep inside him. What was family, anyway?_

_He slammed hard into something and ended up on the floor._

" _Watch where you're going," Regulus growled at his brother. "What were you doing, listening in on the whole crappy conversation?"_

" _Yeah, actually," Sirius replied as they both stood up. "That was a brave thing that you did."_

" _Whatever," Regulus said, walking off._

" _Wait, Reg," Sirius replied. "Are you okay?"_

" _Do I look okay?"_

" _Not really," Sirius said. "Let me help."_

" _Fuck off, Sirius."_

_Regulus ran upstairs before Sirius could say another word. He didn't want to listen. He just wanted to cry. Childish as it was, he thought it would help._

* * *

Regulus decided that he should speak to his brother. He _did_ say he'd help, and maybe that offer was still valid.

He knew exactly where to find him. He'd be outside sitting by the tree by the lake. That was Sirius's favourite spot. He headed down there. As he walked towards the tree he could see the figure of someone, and he smiled.

Sirius turned around at the sound of him approaching. He looked slightly shocked.

Regulus and Sirius didn't speak at school – it was just an unspoken rule. Regulus didn't really care. He needed someone. He needed Sirius.

He sat down next to Sirius and smiled sadly.

"So about that help you offered at home?" he asked hopefully.


	5. Conversations

Sirius picked up a small round pebble from the ground next to him. He started to toss it from hand to hand as he thought about James and Peter, and what they'd say about his sexuality. It was something he really didn't want to do but he knew that if they found out in some other way, they'd never forgive him.

He sighed and threw the pebble into the Black Lake. He was sitting beneath his favourite tree on the Hogwarts grounds. It sat just next to the lake, but not so close that one would be in fear of getting grabbed by the Giant Squid.

He was broken out of his thoughts when he heard footstep nearing him. He turned his head and was surprised to see that it was his brother, Regulus walking to him. This was either going to end very badly or... well, very very badly.

Regulus sat down next to him on the grass and smiled at him. With a hopeful tint in his voice, he sighed and said, "so about that help you offered me at home?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "That help you so rudely turned down? What about it?"

"I'm sorry," Regulus said. "I'm really sorry."

Sirius was dubious. Regulus only ever apologised if he wanted something. He was so Slytherin it was unsettling.

"What do you want, Regulus? I have things to do, people to see."

"I'll make it quick," Regulus said hurriedly. He reached into the pocket of his robes and pulled out a folded out piece of parchment. He handed it to Sirius. "I got a letter from mum and dad."

Sirius unfolded the letter and scanned what had been written. He frowned. "What are they on about –  _Don't be your brother – you know what will happen to eventually_."

"Is that the only part that you care about?" Regulus asked, sounding stung.

"Of course not," Sirius said, expression softening. "I'm just wondering why you came to me with this."

"I don't know what to do, Sirius," Regulus whispered. "I'm not like you. I can't deal with this."

"You'll just have to be like me," Sirius said.

"Well last time I tried look what happened," Regulus said, his voice quivering.

"I'm sorry they did that to you," Sirius said. "You didn't deserve it."

"You never deserve it either, but you handle it so much better than I do."

"I'm just used to it," Sirius said. "I came to terms long ago with the fact that I have a family who hates me."

"I don't hate you."

"And I don't hate you either," Sirius replied with a smile. "But I hate them for forcing this on you."

"What should I do, Sirius?"

Sirius ripped the letter into pieces and tossed it into the lake without a second thought.

"What are you doing?!" Regulus yelled, standing up. "That's my letter!"

Sirius shrugged. "Out of sight, out of mind."

"That's the dumbest thing ever," Regulus replied. "I need to reply to it, you know."

"I'm sure you can remember all the gory details. Besides, you said you wanted my help and my advice is to forget about it. Don't reply."

"Wonderful advice," Regulus replied dryly. "I knew I could count on you."

"You're welcome!" Sirius yelled at Regulus as he stormed off up the hill towards Hogwarts. Sirius shook his head. All that his brother needed was a little Gryffindor courage.

He heard footsteps coming towards him and he laughed. Maybe Regulus wasn't so bad if he was coming back to discuss things nicely. He didn't turn his head this time.

"Hey."

"Oh," Sirius said at the sound of James's voice. "My  _real_  brother."

"Huh?"

"Never mind," Sirius replied. "Just had a lovely visit from Reg."

"About?"

"Never mind. What's up?"

"I was missing you," James said. "I was cooped up in the library – the  _library_ of all places – with Remus being a bore and Peter making me wanting to vomit talking about Mary."

"That sounds like fun," Sirius laughed. "Well, while you're here... here goes."

James looked a little confused.

"Don't say anything. I've been working up to telling you something for a long time and if I don't get it out now I don't know if I ever will."

For the first time ever, James was quiet. Sirius took a breath. "James, I'm gay."

He was surprised at how easily it had come out this time. He searched James's eyes desperately for some sign of acceptance. He saw none.

"James?"

Out of nowhere, James started laughing. Sirius was a little confused, but laughed with him. "What are we laughing at?" Sirius asked.

"You," James said, catching his breath between laughs. "You pretending you're gay."

Sirius stopped laughing and frowned. "I'm not pretending, James. I really am."

James's laughter stopped and he looked shocked. "You're... into...dudes?"

"Yes."

"Like, you want to get-" James shuddered. "-Nevermind. That's disgusting. Don't worry, I'll fix you."

It hurt like James had grabbed a knife and pierced it through his heart, and then twisted it ever so slowly. "I don't want you to  _fix_  me."

"Why not?"

"It's how I am," Sirius said. "James please don't be my biggest fear."

"How do you  _want_  me to react?" James asked. "You've just told me you're gay. I'll need some time to process. It's not something I grew up with. It's not something I'm even remotely okay with."

"James," Sirius pleaded.

"No," James said, standing up. "I can't believe this is happening to me."

"What?" Sirius asked, stung. He tried to keep it together.

"My best friend is a homo. I deserve better than this."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Sirius replied in almost a whisper. "Remus was so kind about it and you – well, you're an asshole actually."

"Fuck off, Sirius. I don't want to talk to you."

With that, James left, leaving the feeling of a massive hole in Sirius's heart. He ripped strands of grass out of the ground and scrunched the up in his hand before slamming his hand back on the ground in anger.

He stood up and stalked back up towards Hogwarts. It was without a doubt turning into one of the worst days of his life. His mood was suddenly brightened up by the sight of Severus Snape walking past him.

He smirked and pulled his wand out of his pocket.

Before Snape could react, Sirius had blasted him into the nearest tree.

"Take that, Slytherin scrum," he spat.

Snape was up quicker than ever and he shoved Sirius against the stone of the castle walls. "Shove off, Black."

"Or what?"

"I will make you sorry you ever  _thought_  to mess with me."

"Oh, I'm  _so_  terrified," Sirius said in mock fear. "I wonder what the scary Snivellus could possibly do?"

Snape's face was getting redder and redder. When Sirius was about to turn away, he saw Snape raise his wand and before he had any time to react, Snape was yelling "legilimens".

Sirius's mind started doing funny things. He thought back to telling Remus that he was gay and them talking about it afterwards. Then he thought back to a couple of minutes ago when he told James that he was gay and the complete heartbreakingly opposite response he got.

Then his focus came back and he could see Snape, looking thoroughly delighted.

"What did you do?" Sirius yelled.

"So the amazing Sirius Black is a homosexual?" Snape said, raising his eyebrows. "I wonder what the whole school will think about  _that_? I wonder what your parents will think about that?"

"Don't you  _dare_  tell a soul, Snivellus!"

"Or what?"

Sirius couldn't find a thing to say – for once he was speechless.

"I will keep your dirty little secret if you promise me one thing," Snape said, twirling his wand in his hand.

Sirius hated himself for the fact that he nodded. He was a coward.

"You must never use that ridiculous nickname on me again," Snape said. "From now on, I am just like any other student to you."

"Fine," Sirius spat.

"Also, you won't let Lily and that  _Potter_  get together."

Sirius gritted his teeth. It was either James's happiness or his own. He knew instantly what he'd choose. Maybe he was a Slytherin after all. He felt anger bubble up in his chest as he nodded against his will.

"Then I will keep your secret," Snape said, smiling triumphantly and walking away.

Sirius slammed his fist against the castle over and over and over until somebody noticed him and he was taken quickly to the hospital wing.


	6. A Drunken Halloween

Halloween was almost upon them. Sirius and James still weren't talking much. It killed Sirius. They were still going along with dressing up for Halloween as they had decided on their first day. Peter had had the idea to ask the professors whether they could extend this to the whole school and have a Halloween party in the Great Hall. The others doubted that they would be allowed, but Peter was relentless.

As it was, they were headed to Professor Dumbledore's office to ask him. Just as they reached the entrance, Dumbledore emerged, as if he knew they were coming.

"Hello, boys," he said, eyes twinkling. "How may I be of help?"

"Well," Peter said, looking at his friends and then at Dumbledore. "We were wondering if maybe we could have a Halloween party on Friday in the Great Hall? For students and professors. Everybody would have to dress up. Since it's half term the day after, it wouldn't mess with anybody's studying, and it would be a nice way to bring everyone together."

Sirius tried not to laugh. They didn't care about bringing everyone together. They cared about smuggling bottles and bottles of Firewhisky out of Hogsmeade and spiking all the drinks with them. Dumbledore didn't need to know that part.

They watched as Dumbledore considered the idea, and then he smiled. "That sounds like a wonderful idea. I will inform the other professors immediately, and we will begin planning."

The four boys grinned at each other. Sirius's smile faltered when he looked at James, whose own smile did the same. He hated this. He also hated the stupid promises he'd made to Snape.

They headed back to the Gryffindor common room to make their own plans.

* * *

It was Friday, and they boys were standing outside in the blistery cold. They'd already snuck in to the Three Broomsticks with the invisibility cloak on to get the Firewhisky. Now it was a matter of actually buying their Halloween costumes.

Zonko's Joke shop was the best bet. They'd recently opened a dress-up section in the back corner. They headed over and it was packed inside. All of the students were excited about the party, as were the Marauders. The owners of Zonko's looked excited too.

Sirius made a beeline for the costume he'd had his eye on for a while. He picked it up and glanced over at Remus, who rolled his eyes. It was the dreaded vampire costume, complete with three types of fangs, and a bottle of fake blood.

"I got my costume sorted," Sirius grinned, heading over to the counter to buy it.

After he'd bought his costume he decided to help his friends figure out what to get. By the end of the afternoon, it was decided; Sirius was a vampire, Remus was a skeleton, James was the grim reaper and Peter was a zombie.

The next step was to get the Firewhisky into the drinks. Sirius and Peter took James's invisibility cloak, and snuck downstairs to the kitchens. Sirius was holding the bottles of Firewhisky and trying very hard not to drop them.

When they got into the kitchens, they searched for the drinks. They were all laid out on a long table and would soon be magically transported up into the Great Hall for the students to drink. There were several jugs of pumpkin juice, and other similar beverages. Sirius decided that it would be best to spike all of the jugs.

With a nod as a signal from Sirius, Peter disappeared and reappeared as a tiny rat. He scuttled along the floor and ran over the feet of one of the house elves, causing mass commotion. Sirius could here many exclaims of "unhygienic", "RAT!" and "we need to get it out!".

He watched as all of the house elves stopped what they were doing to chase Peter around the kitchen. This was his opportunity. He snuck towards the drinks table and began pouring the Firewhiskey into the drinks. It took longer than he'd expected. There were a lot of jugs.

When he finally finished and his arm was aching, he collected all of the empty Firewhisky bottles and let out a loud whistle.

This alerted the house elves. They were unsure of the source of the noise, which gave Peter the chance to run for the door. On the way out, Sirius scooped him up and carried him back to the dorm.

When they arrived, Peter changed back and grinned at Sirius.

"Nice team work," he said.

Sirius nodded with an equally triumphant grin. "We're gonna get  _drunk_  tonight."

Remus tutted. For obvious reasons, they hadn't told Remus of their plan. "What did you guys do?" he asked.

"Well," Sirius said, looking innocently at Remus. "We never spiked the drinks or anything..."

"You didn't!"

"Of course we did," James said. "Well, I didn't – they did. What's the point of a party without alcohol?"

"There are children who will be drinking!" Remus said furiously.

Sirius, James and Peter all looked at each other. "Ooops," Sirius said, shrugging.

"You're all idiots," Remus said, flopping down onto his bed and sighing.

"Come on, Rem," Sirius said excitedly. "We have a party to get ready for!"

Remus groaned.

* * *

The professors had really outdone themselves; the Great Hall was magnificent. There were pumpkins hanging all over the place, and the atmosphere was very creepy. The lights were dimmed and there was a full moon hanging from the magical ceiling. There was a live band playing, dressed as ghouls, and the actual ghosts were hiding in set up coffins and gravestones, and jumping out at people.

"Who's ready to party!" Sirius shouted.

He watched as Peter ran over to Mary and the two of them seemed to be locked together by their lips. He looked away immediately.

"Gross," he muttered.

Remus rolled his eyes and headed over to speak to Lily, who smiled and handed him a cup of pumpkin juice. Sirius winked at Remus, who put the cup down immediately and whispered something to Lily resulting in her putting her juice down too.

Sirius sighed. Of course Remus would ruin it and  _tell_  people.

"You don't think he fancies her, do you?" James asked Sirius, surprising him.

"Huh?"

"Remus," James said, staring at Lily longingly. "You don't think-"

"-Of course not," Sirius said. "Never. He would never do that to you."

James nodded. The silence was getting extremely awkward. Sirius cleared his throat.

"Soooo," he said.

"Look," James said quickly. "I'm sorry. I was an idiot the other day. If you want to fuck guys then go for it. Just don't let me walk in on you one day or I might scratch my eyes out and honestly, I think Lily kind of likes my eyes, so that would be just tragic."

Sirius grinned. "Really?"

James smiled at him and rolled his eyes. "Of course. You're my best mate."

"Thanks," Sirius said. He felt a pang in his chest when he thought of the promise he made to Snape. He tried to push it out of his mind. "Now, come on. Let's drink some pumpkin juice!"

"Awesome!" James said, and they each grabbed a jug from the table. "Ready?"

Without even asking, Sirius did a countdown and the two of them started drinking. They drank and drank and drank, and they could hear Peter yelling "Chug! Chug! Chug!". Juice was spilling down the sides of their mouths but neither would give up.

Sirius slammed his jug down on the table when he was done and yelled "woooooohoooooooooo!"

James finished his soon drink after, and jumped up onto the table, swaying a little. "First the worst, second the best!"

Sirius jumped up onto the table, knocking a few plates to the floor in the process. "Well a' least I don't have a hairy chess... chessed... chest."

"Well, me neither!"

Sirius grabbed the front of James's costume and ripped it wide open, revealing an extremely hairy chest. He laughed and pointed. "THIRD THE ONE WITH A HAIRY CHEST!"

Most people were watching them, and laughing. Remus was just shaking his head.

"Yours's is hairy... er," James slurred, ripping Sirius's costume open. His chest was hairy, but not as hairy as James's.

"You seem hairier than that," James shrugged.

Many of the girls' eyes seemed to drift to Sirius's bare chest but he didn't pay them the slightest bit of attention.

The next song came on and Sirius yelled, "everyone  _dannnnnnnnnnnceee_!"

They didn't need telling twice. The room was a dance floor. The table was Sirius and James's dancefloor.

"D'YA THINK MY LILY-KINS LIKES MY DANCE MOVES?!" James yelled over the music.

"Not a chance!" came a female voice.

James turned his head and grinned at the red-headed girl he loved so much. "So you  _were_  watching!" he yelled, winking.

She turned red and walked off. James continued dancing. Sirius watched him and he was soon overcome with laughter at how bad his friend was at dancing.

"Let me show you how it's done!" Sirius yelled.

James stopped and gestured that the floor (or table, in this case) was Sirius's. Sirius began to dance. He knew he wasn't a good dancer but it didn't stop him.

He twisted his ankle and almost fell off the table. He tried to finish by doing the splits but ended up tearing his costume open.

"Good thing I wore underwear!" he yelled. Everybody was watching them again.

" _I'm_ the better dancer," James said, leaning in and shoving him in the chest.

Sirius raised his eyebrows and shoved James back. "Oh yeah?"

"YEAH!" James yelled, raising his hands and baiting the crowd to cheer, which they did.

Sirius smirked. "You may be the better dancer," he said. "But, I... I'm... the better kisser."

"As if, mate!"

Sirius grabbed James roughly and pressed his lips against his best friend's with more force than he intended. He ran his hands through his hair and shoved his tongue into James's mouth, kissing him like he'd never kissed anyone before. The taste of alcohol was strong in both of their mouths, and it made Sirius deepen the kiss.

He could feel James trying to push him away, but he wasn't having it. It felt so damned  _good_. He moaned a little into James's mouth and tightened his grip on him.

When he finally needed to catch his breath, he broke the kiss, and stared at James in his drunken bliss.

James staggered back and wiped his lips. Without a word, James jumped down from the table and left the now-silent Great Hall.

Sirius stood there, his face burning. All eyes were on him.  _Shit_!

He jumped off of the table and ran from the room. On the way out, he saw Snape looking thoroughly annoyed. Well, at least Snape had lost his leverage.

But Sirius felt sick. Not just because of the alcohol, but because the thing he feared the most had happened, and he'd done it himself. He'd outed himself in front of the entire school.

How could he have been so  _stupid_?

"Sirius!"

Sirius turned to see Remus running after him. He stopped and waited for Remus to catch up.

"What  _was_  that?" Remus said, looking shocked. "You – James – he's the guy you're into?"

"No," Sirius said quickly. "No, never."

"Then why did you... you know?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "Dammit Remus, I don't know! I was lonely. He was there. He's a guy. I don't know."

"This is why you shouldn't spike the drinks," Remus replied sadly.

Sirius resisted the urge to punch him. "I don't need you 'I told you so's', Remus," he said through gritted teeth. "Leave me alone."

Remus sighed and nodded. "Just talk to me if you need someone, okay?"

"Yeah yeah," Sirius said, kicking himself inside. He wasn't even into James that way. He wasn't into anybody in particular. There were a couple of good looking guys at Hogwarts, but none boyfriend worthy.

The truth is, he'd kissed girls before, but the kiss he'd had with James had been his first kiss with a guy. And it felt amazing.

If only he could take it back. James would really hate him now. And what would Peter think?

And now the whole school knew that he was gay. He was glad it was half term, for the first time ever. At least there was the small possibility that people would forget what happened.

He knew James wouldn't forget, and he just hoped that he could forgive him.

* * *

Narcissa Black sat on a windowsill with her parchment and quill. She smiled wickedly and began to write.

' _Dear Uncle Orion and Aunt Walburga,_

_I know you barely consider the blood-traitor to be your son anymore but I have some news about Sirius. He and his friends threw a Halloween party at Hogwarts._

_What I saw today is proof that he is a complete waste of space and a disgrace to the family name. There is no coming back from the sins he committed today._

_He is a homosexual. I saw him with my own eyes, kissing another Gryffindor boy._

_Do with this information what you'd like, but I just thought you should know. He is no cousin of mine._

_With love,_

_Narcissa.'_

She attached the letter to her owl and let it fly off into the night, delivering the news of Sirius's sexuality to his parents.


	7. Burning Goodbyes

Regulus always hated the journeys to and from Hogwarts. They were stuck on a stuffy train for hours, and forced to interact. He liked Hogwarts because it was so big, and if he did want some alone time, he could find several places that were free of people.

The train was packed and all he could hear was chatting from all directions. He was watching the landscape out of the window and he sighed a sigh of relief when he started seeing the London buildings. Almost home.

His mother would be waiting. He gulped and for a moment wished the journey would be longer. He hadn't replied to her letter and he was sure he was in for a mouthful for that.

It seemed like no time before the train was pulling up at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. He shuffled out of his compartment and headed down to get his luggage.

When he stepped off the train, the number of smiling, waving parents on the platform was overwhelming. Then he saw his mother and frowned – why couldn't she be more like them? She was standing tall, overlooking everybody. Her eyes were narrowed and she had that expression on her face that warned all that she was not in a good mood today.

Regulus sighed and headed over to greet her.

"Hello," he said. When she saw him, she nodded.

"Where is your brother?"

Regulus shrugged.  _Probably putting off coming to see you, actually,_ he thought to himself.

"See you in a week, Reg!" Barty called to him. Regulus smiled and waved.

"See ya!" Scabior yelled.

"Bye!" Regulus called back.

His mother let out a loud sigh. "Why must you associate yourself with those people?"

"They're my friends," Regulus muttered.

"They're not very well respected in the wizarding community, Regulus," she replied. "Someone with a name such as yours should not be seen with people like them. It breaks my heart."

Regulus didn't want to reply. He felt like hitting her – his own mother! He balled his hands into fists and gritted his teeth.

"Yes, Mother."

"Oh, here comes the blood traitor," she said, eyeing Sirius. He was trudging over to them with a look filled with dread.

"Can we go now?" Regulus asked.

"Yes, let's."

* * *

Regulus was sitting in his bedroom, when somebody knocked on his door.  _Great_ , he thought. And as he suspected, it was Kreacher with a request that he go downstairs to speak with his parents.

"Tell them I'm coming."

"Yes, Master Regulus," Kreacher said, nodding and disappearing.

Regulus took a deep breath and then exhaled. He did this a couple of times and then nodded to himself. He could do this. He could handle whatever they would say.

He stepped out of the room, and on his way down the corridor, Sirius's room door opened.

"You'll be okay," Sirius said.

Regulus smiled a little. "Thanks for caring."

"I know what it's like to face 'the wrath'."

Regulus grimaced. "See you in a bit," he said, heading down the corridor and down the stairs.

When he reached the living room, he was asked to sit. He sat down and tried to keep his expression neutral.

Mr Black cleared his throat. "Did you receive our owl?"

"Owl?" Regulus asked, heart thumping in his chest.

"We sent you an owl a few weeks ago and we have been eager to get your reply."

"Oh, that's funny," Regulus said. "I never received an owl."

"Well, all it said was that we would be discussing your future this week. As we talked about at the end of the summer," Mrs Black said. "Have you reconsidered? We'd be most pleased if you'd do this willingly rather than us forcing it upon you."

"I haven't," Regulus said, trying not to let his emotions show.

"Well, you have about two and a half years to go before it happens anyway," Mrs Black said. "That's plenty of time to get used to the idea. We don't mean to be hard on you, Regulus. We know it's not fair."

"You  _do_?" Regulus was shocked. That was breaking news – his parents had sympathy.

"It isn't your fault that your brother is such a disappointment, and because of that, you are forced to take on his responsibilities as heir of the Black family," Mr Black said. "We are only doing what is best for our family."

"Why don't the two of you join Voldemort yourselves?" Regulus said. "If it's  _so_  important to you."

"It is your duty to our family," Mr Black said sternly. "Your mother and I have other priorities. You are our son, and you will do as we say. Am I making myself clear?"

"And what if I don't join?" Regulus asked. His eyes were prickling with the tears that wanted to make an appearance. He fought against them.

Mrs Black laughed her 'that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard' laugh. Regulus couldn't stand it.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Do you not remember what happened last time you tried to defy us, child?" she replied, her eyes bright and angry.

Oh, he remembered. He still felt the pain like it was yesterday.

He nodded.

"Then you will take yourself upstairs and get on with your schoolwork, until you are called down for dinner," Mr Black said, pointing at the stairs in the hallway. "Off you go."

Regulus stood up and headed out to the hallway. When his parents weren't looking, he snuck over to the kitchen door and slipped inside. He searched the kitchen.

He didn't go into the kitchen much – none of them did. It was for the house elves only. He scanned the room, and began opening drawers and cupboards until he found what he was looking for – a small sharp knife.

He slipped it into his robes pockets and headed upstairs.

"How did it go?" Sirius startled him when he reached their corridor.

"It was... fine," he lied. He could feel the knife in his pocket like it was burning through the fabric.

"Are you sure?"

 _Damn him for knowing when I'm lying_ , Regulus thought. "Yes. We had a lovely conversation about how I take on all the responsibilities you would have if you hadn't been such a disappointment to them."

"I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. See you at dinner," Regulus said, before he could let himself cry in front of Sirius. He slammed the door shut behind him and ran over to his bed.

He slammed his fist down hard on his bed over and over and over. His duvets soon started to look like his parents' faces. This only made him slam his fist down harder.

When he finally had no energy left and his tears had dried up, he pulled the knife out of his pocket. There was barely any room on his left forearm. He moved the knife to his left hand and this time he decided to go for his right wrist.

He drew a sharp intake of breath as he ran the sharp blade against the soft pale skin of his wrist. It cut easier and deeper than the shards of mirror did – it was somehow better. The deeper the cut was, the more he could control his pain. It was like it had intoxicated him.

For a few moments, he was fearless. He didn't have to feel the pain that his parents had just caused him. For a moment, he was as close as he could get to being happy.

And then it was gone. He wiped the blood off of the knife and placed it in his drawers in his bedside table. He covered up his wrist and waited for dinner.

* * *

The knock finally came and he headed downstairs. He tried to keep on a brave face. He and Sirius were walking down together. He watched Sirius from the corner of his eyes. Sirius was standing tall, so Regulus straightened up. Sirius smiled carelessly, so Regulus tried to attempt the same.

They sat down at the table. Dinner had not been served yet. Their parents came to join them and the silence was beginning to get awkward.

Sirius sat opposite him. He could see Sirius looking very pointedly at the salt pot in the centre of the table and not at his parents.

Regulus could understand that.

"So, Sirius," Mrs Black said. "How is school?"

"It's fine," Sirius said.

"Made any changes?" she asked.

Sirius looked up at her with a look of pure disgust. "If you mean to ask whether I've started hanging out with Slytherins like Malfoy, Mulciber and Rosier, and turned my back on all of my friends, then no."

Regulus pursed his lips. This wasn't going to end well.

"Why not?" Mr Black demanded. "How many chances have we given you to earn back our respect?"

"Why do you even think I  _want_  your respect?" Sirius spat. "I hate you. Both of you."

Regulus shrunk back in his chair. He wanted more than anything to not be there.

"You are very lucky that dinner is ready, boy," Mr Black said. As he spoke, the house elves brought their plates and drinks to the table.

Roast beef and red wine. Regulus sighed inwardly. His  _favourite_.

They ate in silence. All that could be heard was cutlery clinking against plates, and people sipping at their wine. Sirius was wolfing the food down – probably to escape as soon as possible. Surely he knew it wouldn't be that easy.

They were interrupted by Kreacher, who had a letter in his hand.

He handed the letter to Mrs Black. Sirius was trying to make an escape while they were preoccupied, but failed. "Sit!" Mr Black yelled. "What does the letter say?"

Mrs Black's face began to get redder and redder. Regulus's heart was thumping.  _Please don't let it be about me, please don't let it be about me_.

Sirius looked equally as worried. Mrs Black placed the letter on the table and slid it over to her husband, who read. He looked as furious as his wife had been.

They all sat in silence.

"So, what'd the letter say?" Sirius said, in an obvious attempt to break the tension.

"The letter was from your lovely cousin, Narcissa," Mrs Black said in barely a whisper. "She wanted to let us know what a monstrosity you are."

"Me?" Sirius asked, gulping.

"We know of your sins, Sirius," she said. "How could you be so cruel?"

"What sins?"

"Narcissa says she saw you kissing another Gryffindor boy," Mrs Black said, slamming her wine glass down on the table and breaking it into a million tiny pieces. Regulus jumped in shock at the sudden sound.

Sirius seemed to go paler than Regulus had ever seen him. Of course. Why did Regulus not suspect this earlier – Sirius had practically stood up in front of the entire school and did it.

"I was drunk," Sirius shrugged. Regulus was amazed at how calm he managed to keep his voice. "And may I ask, how would kissing another boy make me  _cruel_?"

"You are not making this any better for yourself," Mr Black said. "Drunk?"

"Yes," Sirius said. "I got drunk. Wooo, big deal!"

"You're a disgrace!" Mrs Black screeched. "How  _dare_  you even – I can't even – I don't have words for the disgusting things you've done!"

"Can I just go?" Regulus piped up.

" _NO_!" Mr and Mrs Black yelled in unison, making him shrink back into his seat.

"He doesn't need to watch this," Sirius said.

"Oh yes he does," Mrs Black said. "Then maybe he'll learn what happens to people who commit sins in  _my_  house! How dare you besmirch the family name in this way!"

"I'm...  _sorry_?" Sirius tried.

Mr Black stood up. "Stand," he said to Sirius.

"No."

" _STAND_!"

He didn't need telling twice; he was on his feet in an instant. Regulus tried not to watch.

Without warning, Mr Black slapped Sirius hard across his face, making him fall to the floor with the force of it. Regulus jumped up without thinking and ran to his side.

"Leave him alone!" he yelled.

Sirius was clutching at his cheek, and for the first time ever, Regulus saw tears in Sirius's eyes.

"Move."

"Leave him alone," Regulus repeated, his voice sounding much more scared than he wanted it to.

"He is a freak," Mrs Black yelled. "Regulus, do not protect him. He deserves what he's getting."

"Homosexuality is a disgusting sin, and he needs to be punished," Mr Black said, grabbing Regulus by the collar, and shoving him to the side.

Regulus could do nothing but watch as his parents took their wands out and began torturing him with the Cruciatus curse.

He wanted to move. He wanted to help. He wanted to grab the wand out of his father's hand and use the spell on him instead, but he was frozen.

He watched Sirius yelling and screaming and crying out in pain. He wanted to grab him and take him away from them, but his legs wouldn't move.

"Stop hurting him," he managed to croak out, but nobody was listening. "Please."

He was lifted by a pair of skinny arms and next minute he was in his bedroom.

Kreacher shut Regulus's bedroom door, and left him sitting there alone in utter shock. His parents were taking things too far. He wanted to go and help Sirius. He could still hear his screams.

* * *

Hours passed. It was around two in the morning, when the screaming stopped. He had been trying to drown out the sound but all he could think of was  _poor Sirius_  and  _he'll hate me for not helping him_.

He jumped up when he heard loud footsteps in the hallway outside his bedroom, and then Sirius's room door being slammed shut.

He ran out of his room and knocked on Sirius's door.

"Go away!" Sirius yelled.

Regulus opened the door anyway, and he saw Sirius swaying in the corner, clutching at his ribs and his head. He looked awful.

"Sirius, I-"

"-Don't blame yourself," Sirius croaked. "If you had helped, you would have got the same treatment."

"I'm sorry," Regulus said. He wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure what to say.

"I'm sorry, too," Sirius said, stepping forwards and almost falling over. He limped over to Regulus, wincing at every movement. The hug came out of nowhere. Regulus wrapped his arms around Sirius and sighed into his shoulder.

They stood there for a while, Sirius's grip tight. When they broke apart, Sirius smiled sadly at Regulus.

"What?" Regulus asked.

"I'm leaving," Sirius replied. "Don't hate me, please."

"You're... leaving? You're leaving me here alone with  _them_?" Regulus said, panicking. "Sirius, please don't leave me!"

"You're brave," Sirius said. "You proved that today."

"You're the bravest person I know, and you can't even handle them," Regulus replied, trying not to break. " _Please_ , Sirius."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I'm not going to put up with  _that_  any longer," Sirius said. "That's disgusting. I'm their son. They can't just  _do_  that."

"I know," Regulus whispered, looking down.

"Come with me, by all means," Sirius said.

"I can't."

"Of course you can."

Regulus smiled sadly and shook his head. "I guess I'm not brave like you."

"You are. You just don't know it yet," Sirius smiled.

"Where will you go?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "Anywhere but here. Maybe stay with one of my friends."

"James Potter?" Regulus asked curiously. He'd watched Sirius kiss him at the Halloween party, and it had sure shocked him.

Sirius sighed. "No," he said. "He isn't talking to me."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," Sirius replied.

"Are you really, you know, er... gay?"

Sirius laughed. "Yes, I am."

"Oh," Regulus nodded. "That's... you know. It's... fine."

"Thanks," Sirius said with a genuine smile. "That means a lot to me."

Regulus smiled back. "When are you leaving?"

"Now," Sirius sighed. "I'll sneak out my bedroom window."

Regulus nodded, feeling his heart drop. Sirius was really leaving. "Goodbye, Sirius."

"Goodbye, Reg," Sirius said, pulling him in for one last hug. "See ya at school."

"Yeah yeah, stupid Gryffindor."

"Idiot Slytherin," Sirius replied with a grin.

Regulus shook his head and left Sirius's room. He watched from his own window as Sirius flew out of the window on his broomstick, leaving hell behind.

He only wished he could do the same one day.

* * *

When Regulus went downstairs the next morning, he was greeted by his parents.

"Regulus," Mrs Black said. "Please, come."

Regulus followed her. They stopped in front of the famous Black family tapestry. It was a detailed family tree with every member of their family engraved on there, from the very first Black to himself right at the bottom.

"I know," Regulus said. "We did family tree lessons every day when I was a kid, remember?"

"This isn't a lesson," Mrs Black said, handing him her wand.

"What?" Regulus asked, looking from his mother to the family tree.

"You will burn your brother's name from the family tree."

Regulus's mouth opened in shock. Why him? He looked automatically to the charred black hole between Bellatrix Black and Narcissa Black, where his cousins name – Andromeda Black – had once been. He remembered the day her name had been burnt off the family tree. She married a muggle-born Hufflepuff, Ted Tonks.

He wondered how much happier she was now.

"Regulus?"

He was broken out of his thoughts with his mother's voice. "Burn Sirius off of the tree."

"Why do I have to do it?" he asked.

"Because," Mrs Black said. "You need to learn the value of family."

"I don't want to," Regulus said quietly.

"BURN IT!"

Regulus jumped at the sudden yelling and pointed the wand out towards Sirius's name. His arm was shaking.

 _I'm sorry, Sirius_ , he thought as he whispered "incendio". He watched as Sirius's name began to fade away into black.

The burning smell was a smell of victory for his mother, while it just made Regulus want to cry.

He was all alone.


	8. Skating To Freedom

Sirius flew and flew. Where he was flying to, nobody knew. The cold wind against his cheeks in the middle of the night was welcoming. Flying was difficult when you'd just been beaten to almost-death by your parents. He was sure he'd broken his ribs. It hurt to breath.

It finally became apparent after about half an hour of pointless flying that the only place he could go was Remus's. James wasn't talking to him, and he was unsure of what Peter's reaction was to him being gay. Remus it was.

He made his way to Remus's house. When he finally arrived some time after four in the morning, he was knackered. All the lights were off in Remus's house and he desperately didn't want to wake him or his family up.

He headed round to the back garden and looked up at Remus's window. He was glad to see that it was open. Leaving his things in the back garden, he scaled the walls of Remus's house. It was extremely difficult given his physical state, but after a lot of trying he managed to climb into his friend's window and land on the floor successfully without waking him.

He tiptoed over to Remus's bed and slipped under the covers, fully clothed and wearing his shoes. He was sure Remus wouldn't mind.

He let himself drift into sleep, trying to forget the pain that had been inflicted on him earlier.

* * *

"Sirius?"

"Ugggghhhhh"

"Sirius, what are you doing here?"

"L'me alone..."

" _Sirius?"_

It finally registered in Sirius's mind that it was Remus's voice that was speaking, and then like a tidal wave, it all came back to him. The arguments, the revelations of his sexuality, his leaving, and his climbing of the walls of the Lupin house.

He sat up wearily, clutching at his painful ribs and looking at Remus.

"Can I stay with you for half term?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head and laughed. "Do I really have much of a choice?"

Sirius pouted. "Not really."

"Well," Remus said. "I suppose I must let you."

"Thanks, man."

"Sirius, what happened? You look awful."

"Thanks Rem," Sirius croaked. "I left."

"Well, I gathered that much," Remus rolled his eyes.

"My cousin sent my parents an owl saying she saw me and James kissing," Sirius said.

"James and  _I_ ," Remus corrected. Sirius threw a sock at him.

"Wow, thanks."

"I don't even  _fancy_  James, and I was tortured for five hours for kissing him. Fucking idiots."

"Wait , you were tortured for five hours?" Remus asked with wide eyes. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"Cruciatus curse," Sirius said. "A few kicks and a few punches in between."

Remus looked as though he wasn't sure what to do. He settled for lunging forwards and pulling Sirius into a tight embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius."

"It's okay. Thank you."

They pulled apart and Sirius smiled. "You're awesome. You know that right?"

"Not really," Remus said. "Please talk to me if you need someone. That's a terrible thing they did."

Sirius smiled at him. "I will. So what are your plans for today?"

"I'm meeting up with Lily, want to come with me?"

"Sure," Sirius said with a shrug.

* * *

They met up with Lily at one o'clock outside Remus's house. Obviously Lily had no idea that Sirius was invited as she looked disgusted when she saw him. All he could do was smirk at her.

"You invited  _Black_?" Lily whispered to Remus, loud enough for Sirius to hear.

"Well, actually, I just got disowned from my family and I now live with Remus," Sirius said with a grin.

"You don't  _live_  with me," Remus said.

"Yeah, I do. For half term anyway."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that," Lily said, looking away from Sirius. "I do hope that Potter isn't going to make a surprise appearance."

"Not after the kiss," Sirius said.

Lily pursed her lips. "Is he-"

"-No," Sirius finished. "I am. He hates me now anyway for what I did."

"Oh," Lily said. "I'm sorry, Sirius. You should know, I have nothing against you being gay. I just have some problems with you being... well,  _you_  in general."

"Was that a compliment?" Sirius asked with raised eyebrows.

"It's the best you'll ever get from me, so take it."

Sirius grinned. "Where are we going?"

"Well, Lily and I were going to go to the library to study," Remus said. With one look at Sirius's face, he sighed and rolled his eyes. "But let's do something different, Lily. Sirius isn't up to studying."

"Let's go to the Muggle cinema! Or go to the Muggle ice-rink!" Sirius said. "Let's do something Muggly since I'm free from my family."

Lily laughed. "Something Muggly?"

"YEAH!"

They ended up going to an ice-rink. Sirius discovered that he wasn't very good. He fell over ten times in ten minutes. His injuries only got worse. Sulking, he sat on the benches and watched Lily and Remus skate away like they were professionals.

They were so graceful on the ice. Their movements were so precise and natural-looking. They were both so in-sync.

What would James think?

He watched them more carefully now. The way Remus's hand grazed Lily's and they looks they threw each other. Just why  _were_  they meeting up with each other during half term anyway? They couldn't be...  _into_  each other? Could they?

Sirius knew this could be bad. He rejoined them on the ice, slipping over on the ice and falling into Lily's arms. He grinned up at her. "Hey."

"Gross," she replied, throwing him off of her.

"I'm gay, remember," Sirius said.

"Remus can have you, then," Lily said.

Next minute, Sirius was in Remus's arms. "I'm not having him either," Remus said, throwing him back.

"I feel so unwanted," Sirius said. "Poor me. Remus, will you come and talk to me for a minute?"

"Sure," Remus said. "I'll be back, Lily."

Remus took Sirius's arm and pulled him off of the ice with him. He folded his arms and raised his eyebrows.

"Well," Sirius said.

"Well?"

"You and Lily seem... cosy."

"And?" Remus said. "Am I not allowed other friends?"

"No, of course you are," Sirius said quickly. "It's just... James is in love with her."

"So?"

"So, tell me you don't have feelings for her," Sirius said.

Remus flushed and shook his head. "Never."

"I can tell, Remus. It's obvious."

Remus sighed. "Just because I'm not as open about my emotions as James is, it means he gets priority over girls?"

"So you  _do_  like her?" Sirius asked. He wasn't expecting Remus to admit to it so quickly.

"So what if I do?" Remus said in defense.

"James... you know he-"

"-He loves her," Remus said. "Yeah, I know."

"So?"

"So maybe I love her, too," Remus said, looking down at his hands. "What about  _me_? She knows I'm a werewolf. She still likes me. She makes me feel special and she makes me feel happy. Why can't  _I_  get what  _I_ want?"

"I'm sorry," Sirius said. "I'm not taking any sides. But you know James would never forgive you."

"You know James will never forgive you either," Remus said. "He's one hundred percent straight, and you snogged him in front of the whole school."

"Let's not get off topic – you said on our first night that you'd help James and Lily get together."

"I only realised my feelings recently," Remus said. "Let's just, not talk about it, okay?"

"Fine," Sirius replied, and they went back to ice-skating.

* * *

It was Wednesday evening, and Sirius was sitting bored watching Remus study.

"Why do you always look so...  _studious_  when you study?"

Remus looked up and smiled. "Because I'm studying, maybe?"

"How do you study, anyway?" Sirius asked. "I've tried studying before but I just end up staring at the pages blankly and thinking about other things like how sexy someone's arse is as they walk past."

"A gentleman, as always," Remus replied dryly. "Who's this guy with the sexy arse?"

"I don't know. You kinda have one," Sirius said matter-of-factly. Remus flushed.

"Don't you worry, I don't fancy you, like, at  _all_."

"Good."

"You just have a nice behind," Sirius shrugged.

"Nice to know," Remus said, looking awkward. "Can we change the topic?"

"How do you know when you fancy someone?" Sirius asked.

"Why?"

"I want to know, for when it happens." Sirius said.

Remus shrugged. "Well, I guess... you can't stop thinking of them. You can't stop thinking of what it would be like to hold them in your arms-"

"-Well," Sirius interrupted. "That's that. I really don't fancy anyone."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Always so stubborn. I'm sure there's someone."

"Nobody I can think of," Sirius replied. "But I'll keep you posted if I find him."

"Good," Remus grinned. "Now can I get back to studying?"

"Fine," Sirius said. He braced himself for a long, boring day, but at least he was away from home. He smiled.

He felt a sharp pang of guilt for Regulus when he thought of what their parents might be doing to him, but it vanished quickly when he realised that it wasn't his problem anymore.

He was free.


	9. A Helping Hand

Half term was finally over and Regulus had never been so happy to get back to school. After Sirius's departure, things had gotten worse. Regulus wouldn't have thought that could be possible, but it was. His parents had gotten stricter with him. They had him studying downstairs in the dining room, with supervision. They also read through all of his letters that his friends had been sending over the holidays before deciding whether or not he deserved to read them.

He had no freedom at all. To top things off, his parents had informed him that they were looking for possible candidates to be his wife. Arranged of course – they had to keep the line pure. Regulus was not ready to be married off to a stuck-up girl from a family like his own. He was too young. He had his whole life ahead of him. It made him sick.

Lessons were starting back up on the first day back. He was glad at least that he'd managed to keep up with all of his homework. His friends hadn't touched theirs, and were now begging him to let them copy. As always, he gave in.

"I heard your brother got... er... kicked out," Barty said off-handedly as he copied Regulus's Charms homework during lunch.

"Not really," Regulus replied.

"So... what happened?" Scabior asked.

"It's not really your business..."

"C'mon, we're curious," Scabior said. "What did the idiot do? Probably deserved getting kicked out."

Regulus felt anger rise to the surface. Sirius did _not_ deserve to be tortured for hours and hours by his own parents. No matter what he did. Scabior didn't understand – he didn't _know_ Sirius.

"My brother is gay," Regulus said. "Big deal. He didn't deserve _that_."

Scabior went quiet, probably sensing he'd pushed Regulus a little bit too far. Family was a touchy subject for Regulus, and Scabior knew that. Hence the skirting around the subject of Sirius.

"You don't mind that he's... like... into… you know… man on man?" Barty asked. "Dude action?"

"Why should I?" Regulus snapped.

"It's gross," Scabior said, looking repulsed. "I'd rather die than be related to one of those."

Regulus grabbed his work back from his friends and thrust it into his bag, standing up. "I'm going. Don't follow – I want to be alone."

He could hear Barty berating Scabior as he stormed out of the Great Hall, exhaling and inhaling slowly. He wouldn't punch Scabior, he wouldn't. He had more self-control than that. He paced backwards and forwards outside the Great Hall. He wished Sirius had just kept his hands to himself. Why would he expose himself like that in front of everyone?

If he hadn't kissed Potter, then he would still be a part of the family...

Regulus sighed. He missed Sirius.

 _Speak of the devil_ , he thought as Sirius walked towards the Great Hall with Remus Lupin. They were laughing and chatting away. They were carefree. Regulus felt a wave of jealousy roll over him. Why couldn't _he_ be like that?

Sirius stopped when he saw Regulus and whispered something to Lupin. Regulus stood up straight, waiting to hear what his brother would say.

Sirius walked towards him, leaving Lupin to head into the Great Hall without him.

"Hey," Sirius said, grinning at him.

Regulus tried not to let his emotions show. "Hi."

Sirius's grin faded a little. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Reg," Sirius frowned. "Are you upset with me?"

"No."

"What's with all the one-word answers then?"

Regulus sighed. "Nothing. Is he your boyfriend?"

"Who?" Sirius asked.

"Remus Lupin," Regulus said.

"Why do you care?"

"Because for some reason you've come to talk to me," Regulus said. "And I'd rather talk about your love life than mine."

"You have a love life?" Sirius smirked. Regulus felt a little hurt at the smirk.

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yeah," Sirius said. "You don't seem the... er... romantic type."

Regulus frowned. "I don't have a love life," he said. "I just meant... it doesn't matter."

Sirius shook his head. "Go on..."

"Mum and Dad are arranging my marriage," Regulus sighed. "Which I really _really_ don't want."

"Oh," Sirius said, looking sympathetic. "I'm... sorry. Reg, that's horrible. So that's what was wrong with you?"

"That and many things."

"Talk to me if you need to," Sirius said.

"They made me burn your name off of the family tree," Regulus said, trying not to think of the memory.

"How charming," Sirius said bitterly. "Sorry you had to do that."

"It doesn't matter. Hey, you never answered my question."

Sirius looked confused.

"About Lupin," Regulus said.

"Oh," Sirius grinned. "Nah, he's just my mate."

"Right," Regulus said. "How about Pettigrew. You hang out with him a lot too."

"Noooo way," Sirius laughed. "They're just my mates. I could never think of them as any more than that."

Regulus nodded.

"Why'd you ask?"

"I don't know," Regulus said. "Something to talk about, I guess. I should get going."

He waved Sirius goodbye and headed down to the dungeons. He shivered. It was getting colder and colder outside in the November weather, which made the dungeons equally as cold. It was as though the cold bounced off the stone walls and filled the corridors.

He headed to the bathroom and walked into an empty stall. Taking out the knife that he'd taken from the kitchen at home, he pulled the sleeve of his robes up and cut himself again. It had become a routine. At first, it had only been at night before he slept. Then, it became something that he'd do whenever he was feeling stressed and needed some sort of emotional release.

Now it was just something he did a couple of times a day to control his emotions and to stop them getting out of hand. This was his second time for the day. His arm still stung from where he'd cut himself earlier.

He watched the blood drip down his arm and exhaled.

Unlocking the door, he headed out to go and wash his arm and the knife in the sink.

He turned the tap on and began rinsing the knife. He watched the water turn red and then it slowly turned pink, and soon enough it was clear again.

It wasn't until he caught a glimpse of movement in the mirror in front of him that he noticed somebody was in there with him. He hadn't heard the door open. _Crap_ he thought, hurrying to clean the blood off his arm and cover up his cuts and scars.

"Too late. I've already seen them."

Regulus sighed and turned around. Standing before him was Severus Snape. He was a Slytherin, a year above him. He didn't like Snape much.

He was beginning to panic. Nobody could know. He felt so ashamed. What would they think of him? Would he be in trouble?

"Please don't tell anyone," Regulus said. "I promise I won't d-do it again."

Severus frowned and took Regulus's hand. Regulus watched as Severus pulled his sleeve up and examined the cuts.

"Why do you do it?" he asked.

Regulus swallowed. "I-uh-it h-helps. You know."

"Helps?"

"It helps me forget," Regulus said, feeling more and more nervous by the minute. He wished Severus would just go away and leave him and never tell anybody what he'd seen.

"What do you cut yourself with?" Severus asked in a tone that seemed like he was just genuinely curious.

"I have a knife. I keep it in my pocket."

Severus frowned once more. "You _do_ know that can lead to infections?"

"Oh," Regulus mumbled. "I n-never thought."

"I have a better way," Severus said, smiling slightly at him. "A spell."

Regulus blinked. There was a spell for this? He was now curious.

"I'm listening."

"I'm only telling you this so that you can control that pain you're feeling. What you're doing isn't bad."

"It's not?" Regulus asked.

"No, it's very therapeutic actually. There are just more hygienic and safer ways to do this," Severus said.

"What's the spell?"

"Sectumsempra," Severus said. "Point your wand at your wrist and say the spell. Go on, try it."

Regulus checked to make sure they were definitely alone. He pulled his wand out and pointed it at his wrist. "Sectumsempra," he whispered. He winced a little at the pain but it was amazing. Every feeling of fear and nervousness from moments ago were gone for a good minute after he'd said the spell.

He ran his wrist under cold water, and smiled at Severus. "Thank you," he said.

"It's my pleasure. By the way, I kind of _invented_ that spell, so don't tell anybody else I taught you it."

"Why not?"

"Well I could get into trouble," Severus said. "It could be seen as a violent spell. Imagine the kind of damage that could inflict if used on someone as an attack."

Regulus nodded. "I'll keep your secret," he said. "Again, thank you."

Severus smiled. "See you around."

Regulus couldn't help but grin to himself. Maybe Severus Snape wasn't so bad after all.


	10. Give A Little, Take A Lot

It took two weeks back at school before James spoke one word to Sirius. It was like he was non-existent in James's world. Sirius hated it. He hated the fact that he had just been through so much with his family and James didn't have the decency to say "I'm sorry" or "you'll be okay". He could see a sort of battle going on behind James's eyes. It seemed that he desperately wanted to comfort Sirius, but at the same time he was trying to adjust to him being gay.

When the time finally came that James spoke to him, Sirius was more relieved than angry that James had not been talking to him for so long.

"Sirius, can I… er… have a word?"

Sirius looked up from the schoolwork he was doing –  _schoolwork_  – which was unusual for him, and tried not to smile. He followed James out of the dorm and into the Gryffindor common room so they could speak. They sat down on the sofa and James cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking guilty. "I should have been there for you when… you know."

"It's alright," Sirius replied with a smile. "And I'm sorry too. I should have never kissed you."

"Yeah," James said, flushing. "Huh. Um, this feels awkward. Can we just not talk about  _that_?"

"Honestly, James, this is the only thing I'll say on the matter – I don't fancy you in that way. I don't know what I was thinking. It will never happen again, I promise," Sirius said apologetically.

James smiled. "Good. So, are you okay?"

"I'm… coping," Sirius lied. In reality, the repercussions of leaving his family behind had mentally scarred him. He hated the fact that this was happening because he hated his family, and they shouldn't have this much power over his emotions.

Every night he'd wake up in a cold sweat after nightmares of his parents' torturing. He'd see their faces, and hear their voices, and cry himself back to sleep. He hated to admit it. In fact, he wouldn't admit it. Every night, he'd cast a silencing charm over his bed so his friends wouldn't hear his violent sobs that eventually quietened down in the early hours of the morning.

James raised his eyebrows at Sirius. "I don't believe that for one second, mate."

Sirius sighed. "It's… complicated. It's a delicate situation for me. It all happened too recently for me to talk about my feelings about it."

James put a comforting hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I wanted to let you know that my folks are happy to let you stay with us till we finish seventh year."

Sirius felt like his heart would leap out of his chest. He didn't know what to say. Instead he smiled like an idiot and pulled James into a tight embrace. He felt James relax.

"We can spend the whole of the holidays planning pranks," Sirius said, eyes brightening for the first time in days – weeks, even. They pulled out of the embrace, and Sirius grinned at James.

"They'll be the best damned pranks that Hogwarts has ever seen," James agreed.

"And we'll get Lily to fall in love with you."

"Now we're talking," James grinned. "But, for the record, Lily is in love with me already. She just doesn't know it yet."

"You keep telling yourself that, mate."

"Oh, I will," James said. "Actually, come with me to look for her, will you?"

"Are you going to ask her out again? That ended badly last time I checked."

"I'll be more gentlemanly this time," James reassured.

Sirius raised his eyebrows and his lips quirked up a little. "Gentlemanly?"

"Yes. I won't use any vulgar terms. I'll even give her a flower if I must."

"Wow," Sirius said, impressed. "It's like a new you."

"Where's the Marauder's Map?"

* * *

Ten minutes later and they were standing one corridor down from where James and Sirius had seen Lily on the Marauder's Map. Unfortunately, the map had told them that she was with Severus Snape.

"You distract Snivelly," James whispered.

"What shall I do?"

"Call him 'Snivelly' and then hex the bastard."

"Sounds like fun," Sirius said. "Good luck, James."

They turned around the corner and Snape and Lily turned around when they heard the footsteps.

"Evans," James said, his voice going an octave deeper. Sirius tried not to laugh.

Lily sighed. "Yes, Potter?"

"May I have a word with you?"

"No, she can't," Snape butted in, scowling.

"I can speak for myself, Sev," Lily scolded him. She turned her attention back to James and folded her arms.

"Why should I?"

"Because," James said. "Erm, I just...  _please_?"

"Since you said please," Lily said. "I suppose we can talk. I'll be back in a minute, Sev."

Snape looked as though he'd been slapped hard in the face. He watched angrily as Lily walked off with James, and then he glared at Sirius.

"What are you looking at, Snivelly?" Sirius spat.

"I thought we had an agreement?"

"That agreement ceased when I outed myself. You have no leverage now, Snivellus."

Snape's glare turned into a smirk, which unsettled Sirius a little. What on Earth was he up to?

"Well, your little stunt had some consequences," Snape said. "I  _despise_  that ridiculous name you call me, and I  _despise_  Potter. Nothing means more to me than Lily, and all I asked was for you simply stop Potter from getting to her first and what happens? They're off talking right now."

Sirius sighed. "Why is everyone so in love with Evans anyway?"

"Everyone?"

"Never mind," Sirius said, thinking about what Remus had said to him over half term about his own feelings for Lily. "You said some rubbish about consequences?"

"Yes," Snape's smirk reappeared. "You hurt me, so it's only fair that I hurt you back."

"What have you done?" Sirius growled.

"Did you know that your brother has gone completely off the rails?" Snape said.

Sirius was confused. "What are you talking about, Snivelly? Spit it out!"

"On the first day back after half term I caught him cutting his wrists."

Sirius went pale. Regulus was... hurting himself? How could he –  _why_ would he?

"You're lying."

"Hardly," Snape continued, with a gleeful expression. "Anyways, I helped him through it. I told him that it's completely okay and that he's doing the right thing. He's amazing, your brother. Hangs on my every word. I tell him to jump, he asks how high."

Sirius was angry. No, anger wasn't what he was feeling. It was fury. How  _dare_  he? Regulus was vulnerable. He had so much going on at home, so much stress. How  _dare_  he take advantage of him like that?

Sirius pulled his wand out in an instant and shoved Snape up against the wall, touching the tip of his wand to the Slytherin's neck. He stared straight into Snape's dark eyes. He had never felt so much hatred towards anyone, apart from his parents. He wanted to...

 _No, Sirius. It's not worth it. Leave it. You'll get in trouble_.

He wanted to hurt Snape.  _Really_  hurt him. Then it hit him like a train. It was like a lightbulb lighting up in his brain like from the muggle cartoons Peter had forced him to watch one Summer.

He had the perfect way to hurt Snape.

"Tonight," Sirius spat, making Snape wince. "There's a knot at the bottom of the Whomping Willow. Press it with a stick to freeze the branches. Meet me there at the end of the secret passageway. Ten o'clock. You'll get Lily."

Snape looked as though all of his Christmases had come at once.

"Don't make me regret it," Sirius said, releasing him and stalking off in the opposite direction. Before he had time to react, James was flung across the corridor in front of him followed by a red-faced Lily Evans.

She glared at Sirius as she walked past.

Sirius rushed to grab James, who looked shocked. "I-ugh-why am I so bad at this 'wooing' thing?"

Sirius smiled sadly. "What'd you say this time?"

"I said she doesn't need wiingardium leviosa to make my wand rise."

Sirius sniggered. "No wonder you were flung across the corridor."

"She slapped me," James said sadly. "And then I told her I was sorry. I came up with a good one, though. I said to her that I was placed into Gryffindor because like Godric Gryffindor, I have an impressive sword."

"James," Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're hopeless."

"I know," James sulked.

"Look, mind if I take the map? I have to look for my brother," Sirius said.

James handed him the map. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, try not to get killed by Evans," Sirius said.

He opened the map. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he said. The map revealed itself, showing the whole of Hogwarts and hundreds of tiny named dots. He scanned the map for Regulus. Finally, he spotted him down towards the bottom of the map, by the Quidditch pitch. Alone.

Sirius felt a flash of dread run through him as he thought of what Regulus could be doing.

He broke into a run towards the Quidditch pitch. It was a long run, but Sirius didn't care. He hated the thought of Regulus hurting himself.

When he finally neared the Quidditch pitch he slowed down, clutching his side from where he'd gotten a stitch from the running. He was panting loudly, trying to catch his breath when he spotted Regulus sitting on the grass, wrapped up with his scarf and winter cloak.

He looked so small. So insignificant. Sirius's heart ached. How could Snape be so cruel?

Sirius silently sat down next to him.

"Hi."

Regulus jumped at Sirius's voice. He obviously hadn't heard him approaching. "Sirius. What are you doing out here in the cold?"

"I could ask you the same," Sirius said, trying to keep his voice calm. He wanted desperately to pull back the sleeves of Regulus's cloak. He needed to know.

"I just... wanted to think."

Sirius sighed. He needed to ask. He needed to.

"Reg," he said softly. "Please lift your sleeves up."

Regulus's reaction confirmed that Snape had been telling the truth. His eyes became frantic and his face grew pale. He instinctively pulled his sleeves down further and his breathing quickened.

"N-no, Sirius."

"Please?"

"No!" Regulus stood up. Sirius grabbed him and pulled him back down to the ground, looking into his eyes.

"Look at me," Sirius said, softly once more. Regulus still wasn't looking. His eyes kept darting around, looking for some sort of escape.

"Let me go," Regulus pleaded, finally looking into Sirius's eyes with tears. "Please let me go, Sirius."

Sirius hated to do it, but he reached for Regulus's sleeve and before the younger boy could react, he wrenched it up his arm.

He let out a gasp when he saw his brother's arm. There wasn't an inch of his skin that wasn't scarred. It reminded him of the first time he saw Remus's scars. This was different. This was self inflicted – it was deliberate. He bit his lip and tried to think of something – anything – to say.

Some of the scars were old, but others looked fresh, like he'd only cut himself today.

"Please just forget it," Regulus said, pulling his sleeve back down. The tears were now running down his face.

Sirius frowned as he watched a tear roll over his brother's cheek and then down the side of his face. Regulus looked different. He was... sick-looking. He hadn't noticed till now.

"Have you been eating properly?" Sirius asked, after realising how skinny Regulus was getting.

"Of c-course," Regulus said. Sirius knew this was a lie.

"You look like a... a skeleton," Sirius said. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

Regulus looked down at his hands and his lips quivered again like a new flood of tears would flow down his face. "I... it h-helps m-me."

"How does hurting yourself help you?" Sirius asked, desperate to understand.

"It g-gets rid of the pain," Regulus said. "It gets rid of the emotions."

"You can't keep doing this," Sirius said firmly. "I refuse to allow you to do this."

"Sirius, please. It's my life."

"I don't care," Sirius said. "I won't let you hurt yourself."

"Why do you even  _care_?" Regulus said, his voice breaking a little. "I don't understand."

"Because you're my brother," Sirius said, his heart breaking at the look on Regulus's face. "Because I love you."

Regulus swallowed and looked away. "I'm not worth your love."

"Yes, you are. You're worth every bit. If anything ever happened to you-"

"-Just stop," Regulus replied, wiping his eyes. "I see the way you're looking at me. Like I'm some confused kid who is trying to kill himself. I'm n-not a kid, and I'm not trying to k-kill myself, okay. It helps me through my pain. That's all. I don't want to see that look in your eyes."

"What look?"

"That pitiful look," Regulus said. "It makes me feel bad for what I'm doing. It's th-therapeutic."

"Who told you that?" Sirius spat angrily. "Severus Snape?"

"Yes," Regulus looked confused. "How did you know?"

"He's messing with you! He's messing with  _me_  by getting to you. Reg, it's not a good thing. It's a very serious thing. Please, stop.  _Please_ , for me. It hurts me to see you like this."

"I don't think I c-c-can," Regulus stuttered.

"And please eat properly."

"I can't keep anything down."

"Reg, I'm going to find someone to help you," Sirius promised. "A therapist. Someone who deals with things like this. You need help, trust me."

Regulus sighed and banged the back of his head against the Quidditch stand. In frustration. "I. Don't. Need. Help."

"You do," Sirius replied, smiling sadly at him. "I promise I'll help you."

"If you say so, Sirius," Regulus said, staring straight ahead. "It won't work."

"Give me a few days, alright?" Sirius said, feeling a little more hopeful.

"Okay."

"And I promise I'll help you with what's going on at home," Sirius said.

Regulus let out a hoarse laugh and shook his head. "Good luck with that."

Sirius placed his hand on Regulus's shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. "Hold on."

Regulus smiled slightly at him. "Thank you for caring, Sirius."

"Of course I care," Sirius replied, standing up. "Now, it's getting dark. I should really get back to my dorm. Be safe."

Regulus nodded as Sirius headed off back to the castle.

* * *

When he got back to the dormitory, Remus was sitting on Sirius's bed. James and Peter weren't there.

"Hey, Remus."

"Sirius," Remus croaked. He was pale and clammy and he looked exhausted. It was the Full Moon tonight. He was always this way before the Full Moon.

Sirius sat down next to him. "What's up, Rem?"

"What I told you," Remus said quietly. "About Lily."

Sirius nodded wordlessly.

"She told me she's falling in love with me," Remus whispered. He didn't look happy about it like Sirius would have imagined. He looked awful.

"That's great!" Sirius said.

"I feel like a terrible person," Remus said. "James... he's my best friend... he loves her. It's not fair."

"Like you said, it's not fair on you either."

"I don't know what to do," Remus admitting, sagging forwards. "I love her."

Sirius smiled a sympathetic smiled and placed his hand on Remus's back. You'll figure it out, man. I know you will. You're smart like that."

Remus nodded. "You won't tell James, will you?"

"Of course not."

"Thanks, Sirius."

"For what?"

"For just being such a good friend," Remus smiled. "You're always there for me. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome," Sirius smiled.

* * *

It wasn't until about nine o'clock that James appeared in the dorm. He and Peter had been out to Hogsmeade with the invisibility cloak, smuggling in some Firewhisky.

"The moon's up," Peter commented.

"I hope he's not tearing himself up too much," James said sadly. "I wish we could do something."

"Only a few more hours."

They helped Remus every Full Moon by transforming into their animagus forms, but they always had to wait a couple of hours before going down because when Remus first transformed, he was very dangerous. Even to animals.

Sirius thought of how much pain Remus must go through. The werewolf's bloodlust caused him to tear himself apart because of the lack of human blood around him. He would wake up every morning after the Full Moon with scratches all over his torso and he'd have to spend at least two days in the hospital wing.

Then Sirius remembered.

 _Shit_.

"Sirius, mate, are you alright?" James said, observing Sirius's swaying body.

"Snape."

"What about him?" Peter asked.

"I...  _crap_... guys, I did something bad."

"What?" James asked, alarmed.

Sirius sighed and stared out the window at the moon. "I told Snape about the secret passageway under the Whomping Willow. I told him to meet me there. I wasn't thinking. I was angry."

" _SIRIUS_!" James screamed. "How could you do something so stupid!?"

"I... crap. James – where are you going?"

"To save his bloody life. And Remus. He'll hate himself forever if he ever hurt anyone."

James bolted from the room, leaving Sirius and Peter standing there in shocked silence. Then, they both ran after him frantically.

When they reached the Whomping Willow, Snape was nowhere to be seen but the branches of the tree were frozen. Sirius stopped and grabbed Peter, causing him to stop. "Listen," he said.

He could hear screaming. He could hear yelling. Sirius ran down into the secret passageway.

"SIRIUS, PETER, RUN!" James yelled. Sirius noticed him in the darkness, limping towards them.

Sirius rushed forwards to help James, and he realised that Snape he was carrying Snape with much difficulty. The Slytherin was smeared with blood and seemed to be knocked out.

Was he... dead?

Sirius felt like he was going to throw up. How could he have been so stupid? His mouth went completely dry when he realised that behind James there were noised echoing off the walls.

The sounds were of running. The sounds were of growls.

Then, he spotted two bright red eyes emerging from the darkness and he ran. He ran and ran and didn't stop until he heard the branches of the Whomping Willow  _swooshing_  and  _swooping_  again.

He collapsed onto the floor. James ran up towards the castle with Snape still in his arms.

Peter was about to follow, but Sirius stopped him.

"Let him go," he said. "We need to be here for Remus when it's safe."

Peter nodded. Sirius sighed and closed his eyes as he waited for the moon to reach a position in the sky where he knew they'd be safe to go in.

He really  _was_ going to have to pay for this.

He dreaded it. And moreover, Remus would hate him. Possibly forever.

He couldn't deal with that. Not after Remus had just called him a good friend.

This was going to be a  _long_ night.


	11. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I'm very quick. Isn't it better that way? XD Hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 11**

Sirius paced back and forth and back and forth outside the hospital wing the morning after the "accident" as he decided to think of it as. Any other word sounded too evil. He was evil. He hated himself. Not for putting a student in danger – Snape deserved punishment – maybe just not  _that_  extreme. No, he hated himself for putting Remus in such a position where he could kill someone.

Remus locked himself away in the Shreiking Shack on Full Moons because he couldn't bear ever hurting anybody. He was emotionally fragile. It had taken him so long to tell his friends that he was a werewolf, and then so long for him to accept that his human self was a good person and that he wasn't tainted by the wolf.

Sirius sighed. What had he done?

"You may go in and see him now," Madame Pomfrey said.

Sirius cautiously stepped into the hospital wing, where he saw his friend lying in one of the beds covered in bandages and looking weak. Sirius hated to see him like this. Remus was so much more than this.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said.

Remus smiled, though it seemed to hurt as he winced in pain. "Hey."

"How are you feeling?" Sirius asked.

"I'm feeling not too bad," Remus said. "Same as usual."

"Do you remember much from last night?" Sirius asked.

Remus pondered for a minute before shaking his head. "I never remember anything. Why?"

"No reason," Sirius said quickly, feeling his heart rate speed up. Remus would hate him if he told the truth. But then wouldn't Remus rather hear it from him than from Snape or Dumbledore or James?

Sirius closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the hurt in Remus's eyes when he admitted to what happened. "Remus," he said. "I'm really really sorry. I may have done something last night that put Snape in danger from you."

There was silence. Sirius chanced a look at Remus, who was just staring at him.

Sirius decided to carry on. "He... did something. I was angry, and I told him to meet me in the passageway under the Whomping Willow. James managed to save him, but Snape's been sent to St. Mungo's because he has some pretty bad injuries."

Remus's mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. Sirius didn't dare look at him any longer – he looked at the wall and frowned. "I'm so sorry. Please understand that I wish more than anything I could take it back. I'm sorry, Remus."

He heard Remus exhale. "Get out, Sirius."

Sirius turned frantically to look at Remus, and saw the thing he feared the most. Remus's eyes, filled with pain and hurt and betrayal. He looked utterly devastated.

"I'm  _sorry_ ," Sirius said quickly. "Please forgive me."

"I said get out," Remus repeated, his voice breaking. "I can't look at you right now." He turned his head away and Sirius could hear him taking deep breaths.

He knew it would be a bad idea to stay with Remus. He silently stood up and left the hospital wing, turning back just in time to see Remus's whole body start to shake and hear the strangled sobs coming from his chest.

* * *

Dumbledore's office was silent. All that Sirius could hear was the ticking of the clock and his own heart beating loudly in his chest.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

He was sitting at the desk in front of Dumbledore, twiddling his thumbs and trying not to die from nerves.

"I assume you must know why I have summoned you to my office, Mr Black?" Dumbledore said, breaking the silence.

Sirius just nodded. His mouth had gone dry. Would he be expelled? Where would he go? He couldn't exactly just live at James's house forever.

"Severus Snape remains at St Mungo's hospital with wounds that very well may have killed him. He is lucky to be alive. He is lucky he is not a werewolf."

"I didn't mean to," Sirius said, lamely.

"May I ask  _why_  you did such a thing?"

Sirius sighed. He didn't really want to tell the truth, but it was all he could do. "Sniv –  _Snape_  was harassing me. He was trying to blackmail me but the leverage he had over me was lost, so he went to new measures to hurt me."

Dumbledore gestured for him to continue.

"He noticed that my brother was upset and going through some tough things, and he took advantage. He told him that slitting his wrists was good for him and that it would help him. Regulus believed him, and he's been cutting himself. There are scars all over his arms and he's not been eating properly. He's gotten really skinny and I don't know – I think he's got addicted to cutting himself. It's consuming him. Snape has gotten into his head and I just... couldn't... he's my brother."

"You think that such punishment was right for Mr Snape?" Dumbledore asked.

"No," Sirius replied. "I was angry, really angry. In that moment of anger I told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. I never thought of the implications and I regret it. As soon as I realised what could happen, I told James and Peter and we ran down to try and save him. I'm... I'm sorry."

Dumbledore sat in silence. Sirius's heart was beating louder and faster than it had been before, and the silence was deafening.

"Mr Black, as long as you realise that what happened last night cannot and will not happen again, and that you must apologise to Mr Snape,  _and_  Mr Lupin, then I will not expel you."

Sirius was shocked. "You won't?"

"There is more to this story than I had originally realised. If Mr Snape has indeed manipulated your brother, then I will need to have a word with both of them. There will, however, be punishment. You will be serving detention with Professor Slughorn for the next three months, every weekday. Also, two hundred points will be taken from Gryffindor."

Sirius nodded quickly, astonished that he wasn't in more trouble than that. "I understand."

"You may go," Dumbledore said.

Sirius stood up. "Thank you, Professor," he said, and then he left the room feeling slightly better than he had earlier.

* * *

He headed back to the dorm to face James and Peter. He wasn't sure how they'd react. He was nervous all over again. When he entered the room, he glanced over to see them both sitting on their respective beds. Peter was eating a bar of chocolate, and James was playing with his wand.

"Guys," Sirius said, causing them both to look up. "I'm sorry."

James smiled a small smile. "I'm not mad."

"Neither am I," Peter said.

"Oh thank Merlin," Sirius said, dropping down on his own bed. "I made the biggest mistake of my life."

"We know. We also know that you can't do anything about it now," James said. "And when you realised you made a mistake you told us and we stopped it from becoming what it could have become."

Sirius let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks."

"No problem. Chocolate?" Peter said, tossing a chocolate bar over to Sirius who took it gratefully.

"Have you spoken to Remus?" James asked.

Sirius nodded. "He doesn't want to see me," he said sadly.

"That's... understandable."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. He didn't have the right to feel angry or upset about it. He deserved to have to sit there and take responsibility for his actions. He deserved Remus's hatred.

"What made you so angry at Snape?" James asked.

Sirius sighed. "I can't tell you. It's... personal. Family stuff."

"I thought you were done with your family?" Peter said.

"Well, obviously not Wormtail," James said, casting him an annoyed glance.

"You two don't happen to know any therapists do you?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"Is this about – actually never mind," James said uncertainly.

"Go on," Sirius said.

"I heard you," James said, looking guilty. "One night."

"Oh," Sirius said. "Well, no. It's not got anything to do with  _that_."

"Are you alright, mate?" James asked.

Sirius nodded. "Like I said. I'm coping. Let me know if you know of any magical therapists, okay?"

"We will," Peter said. James nodded in agreement and then his face broke into a grin.

"What is it?" Sirius asked.

"Guess," James said, sitting up straight and grinning, if possible, wider.

"Well I never see you grin so much unless it's about Lily," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "What did she do this time?"

"She told me I was a hero," James said, looking proud.

"Calm down," Sirius said, trying not to laugh at James's expression.

"SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME!" James yelled, bouncing on the bed like a child.

"She never actually said she loves you," Peter pointed out.

"Yeah, she's probably at St Mungo's snogging Snivelly," Sirius said.

There was a silence, and then James sighed. "I don't think we should, you know, call him that anymore."

Sirius nodded quickly. "Yeah. Sorry."

"And for the record, she'd never snog him. She only has eyes for me," James grinned again.

Sirius felt a little wave of pity run through him when he thought of what Remus had told him yesterday. Lily was falling for Remus. James would be heartbroken.

He wouldn't tell James, though. He'd promised Remus.

"Keep dreaming," Sirius said.

"Oh, I will," James said, sighing and holding a hand to his heart dramatically.

"How's it going with Mary?" Sirius said to Peter, while James daydreamed.

Peter shrugged. "Not too bad, really."

"Not bored of her yet?"

"Actually," Peter said, flushing scarlet. "I kind of...er... we... did, you know,  _it_  the other day."

Sirius almost fell off the bed he was laughing so much. James, oblivious to what Peter had said, looked at Sirius in confusion.

He was in stitches. He pointed at Peter. "He... Mary..." he couldn't continue without falling into another fit of laughter, leaving James even more confused.

James turned to Peter and raised his eyebrows.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Mary and I did it the other day."

There was a moment of silence and then James was just as bad as Sirius.

Peter stood up, grabbing all of his chocolate. "You guys are such children." With that, he left the room.

It took five solid minutes for James and Sirius to recover. When they finally stopped laughing, Sirius wiped the tears from his face.

"Can you believe it?" James said, shaking his head.

"No, not at all."

"Peter was the first one of us to lose his virginity," James continued, falling into another fit of laughter.

"Who'd have thought?" Sirius agreed, laughing.

"We're so cruel to him!" James said through tears of laughter.

Sirius exhaled and tried to stop himself from laughing again. At least some moments could be good moments.


	12. The Diagnosis

Regulus was annoyed. Frustrated, even. He didn't need to see a stupid therapist. He just wanted to sleep. He'd been forced to wake up at stupid o'clock by Sirius's owl. The owl had flown through the window and presumably been told to peck him till he was up. Regulus groaned and stepped out of bed.

"Stupid bird," he said, batting it away with his hand. He was so tired. He was always tired these days. He had gone to bed at half past seven last night, and now if was half past seven in the morning and he felt like he hadn't got enough sleep. It was getting to be a pain. He would wake up several times during the night, though, which was probably why he was always tired.

"What're you doing up so early on a Saturday?" Barty asked.

Regulus was surprised that Barty was awake at this ungodly hour. "Why are _you_ up so early? I didn't think you knew seven o'clock existed. And my brother wants me."

"I have a hot date, okay?" Barty replied, going red.

Regulus raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Are you not going to Quidditch practice, Reg?" Scabior asked. "The game's next week."

Regulus usually loved Quidditch. It was his favourite part about Hogwarts. The competition, the build-up, the feeling he got when he caught the golden snitch. Now, he wasn't bothered. It was a sad conclusion that he came to when he realised he was no longer interested in the sport.

"I quit the team yesterday," Regulus said.

"Why!? They need you, you're the Seeker."

"They can find a new Seeker, then," Regulus said, sighing and heading to the bathroom to get changed. Instinctively, he pulled his wand out. He wanted so badly to just say the spell, and release all of the negative feelings he was having, but he knew it would be a bad idea. He was seeing the _therapist_ today. What would he or she think?

He was like an inferius the way he got changed into his clothes. Slow, robotic. He felt brain-dead. He had no energy.

 _That's what you get for not eating_ , a voice that sounded very much like Sirius said in his head. He decided he should eat something for breakfast.

On the way down his friends caught up with him. "Reg," Barty called. "Wait up!"

Regulus walked faster, but it was clear that as soon as he got to the Great Hall, that they'd catch up. He ran. He ran out of the castle, and down the hill towards the lake. Sirius would meet him there. By the time he reached the lake, he felt faint and out of breath and like he would throw up.

He tried to think of something else, anything else.

He thought of his OWLs. _Right, like that'll make me feel better_ , he told himself bitterly. _I'm failing all of my subjects, and I don't even care_.

He felt like breaking down. What had happened to him? He had been so bright, so full of life. He'd been the star player on the Slytherin Quidditch team. He'd been the top of his class. His family thought the world of him. He hadn't had a care in the world.

 _And now_ , he thought. _What have I got to live for?_

With that, he fell to the icy ground and retched, bring up bile. He hadn't eaten in days so he had nothing to bring up. His throat burned, and he felt like somebody had slashed it. With horror, he noticed there was blood in the bile. He had tears in his eyes. He clutched his throat and hurried over to another tree, in hopes that Sirius wouldn't notice what had just happened.

* * *

Eventually Sirius turned up, looking cheerful. Regulus tried to smile back but failed.

"You ready to go?" Sirius asked.

Regulus just nodded, and followed Sirius through the clearing towards Hogsmeade. They walked through the village. Regulus felt nervous. He was afraid to tell a stranger all of his feelings and emotions. If he could only cut himself one more time...

He shivered at the blistery wind that was blowing through the nooks and crannies of Hogsmeade village. Sirius took his scarf off and handed it to Regulus.

"I d-don't-" Regulus said, teeth chattering.

"-There's barely anything left to you, Reg. Take it, you'll freeze."

Regulus wrapped the Gryffindor gold-and-red scarf around his neck and felt himself warm up a little from the remaining heat from Sirius's body radiating off of it.

"Thanks," he mumbled, smiling at Sirius.

"Not much further," Sirius replied, pointing at a little building on the corner of the street. Regulus followed him towards the building.

"It's t-t-tiny."

"Yeah. Apparently it's the best in the wizarding world. They use both Muggle _and_ wizard methods, and medication. If you've got any chance, it'll be here."

Regulus nodded, and they entered the small building.

There was a receptionist sitting at the desk, who smiled broadly at them when she heard the bell go. They headed to the desk.

"How may I help you?" she asked.

Sirius looked at Regulus, who shook his head. He didn't want to speak. Sirius looked back at the receptionist and smiled. "My brother has an appointment with Dr Smith."

"What's the name?"

"Regulus Black," Sirius said.

"Ah, yes," she replied, writing something down in a diary of some sort. "Yes, please, Mr Black, would you enter the door to my right and knock on the second door on your left down the corridor?"

"Can my brother come in with me?" Regulus asked, his voice embarrassingly small.

The receptionist looked a little sympathetic as she shook her head. "I'm afraid not. He'll be right out here in the waiting room."

"You'll be alright," Sirius reassured him, pulling him in for a quick hug.

Regulus nodded, and handed Sirius his scarf back. "See you in a bit," he said. He headed through the door and down the short corridor.

The second door on the left had a rectangular white plaque reading 'Dr Smith – Psychiatrist'.

Taking a deep breath, Regulus knocked on the door twice. There was a muffled movement from behind the door and then he was staring into the face of a young woman – maybe in her late 20s. She had kind eyes, and wore glasses. Her blonde hair was tied in a bun, and she was holding out her hand to shake Regulus's.

He felt slightly calmer. He shook her hand and she welcomed him into her office. It wasn't how he'd imagined. It wasn't clinical-looking or scary. It was just a normal office with photographs and books and papers. Just like if he'd been sitting in Dumbledore's office.

"Please," Dr Smith said, gesturing for Regulus to sit down on a sofa in the corner. He took his seat on the sofa and she sat opposite him with a clipboard and quill in her hand. She pushed a loose strand of hair behind her hair and then smiled warmly at him.

"So, _Regulus_ – am I pronouncing that right?"

"Y-yes," he stammered, his heart beating loudly in his chest.

"Regulus. It's very nice to meet you. I am Dr Smith. I'm a psychiatrist."

"Hello," Regulus said. "I thought – my brother said I'd be seeing a therapist."

"Yes," Dr Smith said. "You will be. I am just going to assess you today, and see if we can figure out how to help you. After that, you will go through as much therapy as you need depending on what it is that's troubling you."

Regulus nodded.

"So Regulus, please – tell me a little about you."

Regulus hated being put on the spot. His mouth went dry and he suddenly forgot everything about himself. "Er-"

"-What house are you in at Hogwarts? What's your family like? How old are you? Things like that."

"I'm in Slytherin," Regulus said.

"Oh, and do you enjoy being in Slytherin?" she asked.

"Well, it's okay," Regulus replied. "I don't hate it. It's just a... thing. Like having black hair. It's just... part of me."

"Go on, please tell me more."

"I'm sixteen," Regulus said. "My birthday was in September. I'm in fifth year and I'm doing my OWLs."

"How is that going?"

Regulus considered lying, but he knew it wasn't the time to lie. This lady was supposed to help him and she couldn't do that without knowing the whole truth. "I'm... failing," he sighed, looking down.

"Why's that, Regulus?"

"I've just had... a lot on my mind. I can't seem to focus in class. My mind keeps drifting off to other things. I work hard but it's just not enough and I get tired."

"Right," Dr Smith said, scribbling something down on her parchment. Regulus strained his neck to see what she was writing, but he couldn't see.

"Are you usually quite a bright student?"

"Yes. I was top of my class from first to fourth year."

"I see. Tell me about what has been on your mind."

"I'd rather... just... I can't."

Dr Smith smiled at him and reached out her hand to squeeze his. She looked him in the eye. "Regulus, sweetie. We can't do anything to help you unless you tell us what is wrong."

Regulus nodded quickly. "It's my family."

"Your family? What is it?"

"I hate them," Regulus admitted. "Since I was born, they've trying to force me into a life I don't want."

"How's that?"

"Are you allowed to tell anybody anything I say?" Regulus asked worriedly.

Dr Smith shook her head. "Not unless I fear that you are a danger to somebody."

Regulus nodded. "Okay, so I come from the oldest pureblood family in history, and they are determined that I live up to my name."

"How does that make you feel?"

Regulus sighed and shrugged. "Stressed. They want me to marry somebody they pick out for me, and they want me to... to... j-join Lord Voldemort when I finish Hogwarts."

Dr Smith looked a little shocked, but then her expression was back to normal as she started scribbling down some more things on her parchment.

"My mum and dad t-tortured my brother for being gay," Regulus said, shuddering at the memory of Sirius's screams.

"Tortured?"

"They used the cruciatus curse on him. I tried to stop them. He was in so much pain," Regulus closed his eyes.

"Do they... do this a lot?"

"They did it to me during the summer," Regulus said. "It's what... started all of this. It was when they told me that they wanted me to join Lord Voldemort. I refused and they got angry. They tortured me and then sent me to my room to pack for school."

Dr Smith shook her head in disbelief and started writing things down. "Are there any other things that have happened besides your grades dropping at school. Have you been eating properly?"

Regulus shook his head with tears in his eyes. Was it that noticeable? "I can't eat. I can't do anything."

"Why's that?"

"I don't have the energy. When I eat, I just throw it back up again."

"Okay, Regulus. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me before I start to ask you questions that will lead me to maybe making a disgnosis?"

Regulus sighed, and he could almost feel the scars on his arms tingling. He couldn't say it out loud. He pulled his sleeves up, revealing the scars from all of the times he'd cut himself.

Dr Smith gasped a little, and began writing. When she finished what she was writing, she put her clipboard down.

"Regulus, why did you do that to yourself?"

"It h-helps me to c-c-cope with the... the pain. The emotions. It cuts them off and I don't f-feel anything which is so much better. It help me to stay in control. I know it's bad," he said, closing his eyes. He couldn't look into another pair of eyes filled with pity.

It had happened with Sirius, and it had happened with Professor Dumbledore when he'd been called to the office after the incident with Sirius and Snape.

He heard Dr Smith getting up, and he opened his eyes again. She was rummaging through papers on her desk until she found what she was looking for.

She returned to her seat. "Would you like a drink?" she asked him. He couldn't.

He shook his head and she nodded.

"I am going to ask you a couple of questions."

"Okay," he mumbled.

"Do you have any known psychiatric disorders?" she asked, reading from her parchment.

"No, not that I know of."

She scribbled something down. "You haven't lost anybody close to you recently? A family member, a friend?"

"No."

"Do you have any illnesses? Chronic or otherwise?"

"No," Regulus said.

"Have you been drinking alcohol or taking any drugs in the past few months?"

"Apart from a glass of wine at home? No."

"Okay, thank you," Dr Smith said, scribbling away again. She cleared her throat. "I will ask you about a few different occurrences. If you feel that you have been through any of these occurrences in the past few months please tell me, and then tell me how often you go through these occurrences."

"Okay."

"Do you often feel sad, empty or tearful?"

"Yes. Um, every day."

She scribbled something down. "Have you experienced any loss of interest in activities?"

Regulus thought. Yes, he was no longer interested in the things his friends were interested in. He wasn't interested in Quidditch. He wasn't interested in trips to Hogsmeade. "Yes," he said. "I have no interest in the things I used to have interest in."

"Mmm," she said. "How about your weight? Have you gained or lost any weight?"

Regulus laughed a little. "Isn't it obvious?" he said, pulling at his clothes that were too big.

Dr Smith smiled a little and continued writing. "Any changes in sleep patterns?"

"Yes. I'm waking up a lot in the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. This happens almost every night."

"Okay," she said. "Any changes in movement?"

"In what way?" he asked.

"Are your reactions slower or faster, or the same?"

"Hm, not really. Maybe a little slower but it's mostly normal," Regulus said, thankful that at least one of these occurrences couldn't be linked with that he was going through.

"Do you feel fatigued, or like you have no energy?"

"Yeah, all the time," Regulus said.

"Have you had any feelings of guilt or worthlessness?"

"A little," Regulus said. "Sometimes I feel like the world would be better off... without me."

Dr Smith nodded, writing again. "Have you struggled to concentrate lately?"

"Yes. Every day."

"With your schoolwork," Dr Smith said. "Have you had any suicidal thoughts or urges to hurt yourself?"

Regulus just nodded. "Not suicidal, though."

"Thank you, Regulus."

He sat in silence as she looked through everything she'd written. She was concentrating very hard and it looked as though she was counting things.

Regulus was worried. Too many of those things, he'd experienced in the last few months. Was that a bad thing?

"Regulus, I just need to ask you a couple more questions."

"Alright," he said quietly.

"With these questions I'd just like you to choose either 'A' or 'B'."

"Okay," Regulus said. He didn't know what else to say.

"Regarding your family, are you – A, quiet, negative and oppositional – or – B, withdrawn, won't talk, angry and aggressive?"

"I think 'A'," Regulus said. "Though it's close to 'B'."

She nodded. "Regarding school, are you – A, your grades are deteriorating, you're missing class, putting in less effort and having school stress – or – B, failing, missing school, not caring about school, being argumentative and having extreme school stress?"

"'A' again," Regulus said.

"Regarding your peers, are you – A, not socialising much and not taking part in your extracurricular activities as much – or – B, isolating yourself and discontinuing extracurricular activities?"

"Um, 'B'."

"Regarding stress and anxiety, are you – A, denying that you have a problem and projecting your problems onto others – or – B, withholding your feelings, and refusing to talk?"

"Probably 'B'."

"Last one. Regarding self harm, are you – A, occasionally thinking about it, but not attempting it – or –B, cutting, and other self injury?"

"'B'," Regulus said, glad that it was over. He felt thoroughly questioned. He just wanted to go back to his dorm and sleep. Couldn't he just sleep?

"Thank you so much, Regulus. If you don't mind, could you return to the waiting room and I will call you back in as soon as I have made sense of your answers?"

"Of course," Regulus said, standing up and shaking her hand once more. She showed him to the door. As he headed down the hallway and spotted Sirius sitting in the corner reading a Quidditch magazine, he felt himself relax.

He sat down next to Sirius.

"Fancy meeting you here," he said. Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Jeez, Reg. Nearly gave me a bloody heart attack," Sirius said. "How'd it go?"

"It was... draining."

"Did they find some way to help you?" Sirius asked hopefully.

Regulus shook his head. "She's putting all of my answers together now and she'll call me back in soon."

"Ah, okay," Sirius said, smiling encouragingly at him. "It's a good thing, Reg. You're going to get the help you need."

"Yeah," Regulus nodded, though he didn't feel too excited. "What're you reading?"

"I'm not reading," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"That's why I asked, "Regulus laughed a little. "It's unlike you to sit there reading a magazine."

"I was admiring the dudes on the brooms," Sirius winked.

Regulus nodded, pursing his lips. "Awesome."

"Not awesome," Sirius said, pointing at a particular player. " _Sexy_."

"If you say so," Regulus said, rolling his eyes again.

"Look at the way his hands wrap around the snitch," Sirius said, staring dreamily at the page. Regulus tried not to laugh. "Oh he could wrap his hands around me like that."

"Okay, Sirius," Regulus said quickly, not wanting to hear the rest. " _Please_."

"What?" Sirius said defensively. "Seekers are _hot_."

"Thanks, Sirius. That means the world to me," Regulus teased.

Sirius flushed red and let out an embarrassed cough. "Damn, forgot you were a Seeker."

"So I'm not hot then? Ouch, Sirius. That hurts."

"Whatever," Sirius muttered.

"I'm not a Seeker anymore anyway," Regulus said.

Sirius frowned. "Why not?"

"Because I'm not interested in Quidditch anymore," Regulus said, matter-of-factly.

Sirius was about to say something when Regulus heard his name being called out, and he looked up to see Dr Smith standing at the door.

He smiled nervously at Sirius and followed her back to her office. There was a box of pills on her desk. His worry grew.

She told him to sit back down on the sofa, which he did wordlessly.

The silence went on too long. Regulus wanted to scream. He wanted to run from the room. He wanted to cry.

Finally she spoke. "With the things you've told me, and the feelings and emotions you've been having along with the physical things like not eating and slitting your wrists, I have come to a conclusion about what it is that is wrong with you."

"Yes?" Regulus whispered.

"Regulus, I have diagnosed you with Major Depression."

The word rung in his ears like it was echoing off of the insides of his head. _Depression_.

He swallowed hard.

"You are showing many of the symptoms linked with Major Depression. Luckily for you, we have many methods of treating this disorder."

"Y-you do?"

"What I think will benefit you the most is getting you in once a week to see a therapist. The therapist will help you deal with the cause of your problems. You cannot treat the problem without dealing with the cause.

Meanwhile, I have prescribed you a tricyclic antidepressant called Dosulepin. You are to take one of these pills once a day, before you go to bed. These will help reduce all of those horrible feelings you've been having."

She handed Regulus the box, and he read the word 'Dosulepin' on the front.

"Before you start taking these, I must give you a little information. You must only take _one_ per day. Overdoses of this drug can be fatal. You may feel as though nothing is happening, and sometimes it takes up to four weeks before you feel any changes. Don't fret – it will work eventually. Just give it some time.

When it does start to work on you and you feel well, don't stop taking the drugs until told do by me. You may feel okay, but if you stop, you may get your depressive feelings back again."

Regulus nodded. Could the answer really be as simple as taking a pill a night?

"Also, I must tell you about the side effects that can occur with this particular medication. Unfortunately there is a long list, but remember, most of these things won't happen. It's just something we need to reiterate to our patients.

Side effects include dry mouth, drowsiness, blurred vision, constipation, nausea, difficulty passing urine, feeling faint or dizzy, rapid heart beat, abnormal heart beat, sweating, tremor, skin rash, confusion, headaches, sexual problems, changes in behaviour, increased appetite, weight gain, changes in taste, fits or convulsions, itchy rash and increased sensitivity to sunlight."

Regulus felt overwhelmed. It sounded like disaster. All of those things sounded awful. Maybe it wouldn't be as easy as taking a pill a night. Of course there were consequences. He couldn't find it in himself to talk. He just nodded.

"You must tell me immediately if you experience any fever, loss of consciousness or yellowing of the skin. Also, if you think you are having allergic reaction to the medication, please see me."

"Okay," Regulus croaked.

"That's all, Regulus. We will be sending you an owl with details of your first therapy session. When you get down to two pills, please come to see me so we can renew your prescription."

Regulus nodded.

"Good luck," Dr Smith said warmly.

"Thank you," Regulus replied, smiling back, when all he wanted to do was break down and cry.

But at least he was going to get better. With that thought in his head, he left the office and headed back to tell Sirius the news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried, I really tried. I hope it's somewhat realistic in the whole diagnosis. I'm going off what I'm reading online and what I learnt in my Psych classes at school. I also understand that you wouldn't just get diagnosed in one day but this is a special magical psychiatrist haha.
> 
> Please remember it's just a story so if I do have some things slightly wrong, I don't deserve to be killed for it XD


	13. Sending Letters

Sirius couldn't deny that he was excited for the Christmas holidays for the first time in his entire life. He was even more excited by the way James described Christmases at the Potter household. Growing up, Sirius hadn't really celebrated Christmas. Christmases in the Black family were a quick affair; you'd be told 'merry Christmas' and given an old family heirloom as a gift. They seemed to have a never-ending supply of heirlooms.

It wasn't until Sirius arrived at Hogwarts that he realised how amazing Christmas could really be. He heard the way his friends talked about it. He saw the way they counted down the days and planned on what they'd be getting for their families. Sirius had to go home every Christmas, so this would be the first proper Christmas he'd have.

Sirius had bought his presents early this year in eager anticipation. He'd bought Peter a load of condoms, a make-your-own Butterbeer set, and a pair of socks that had pictures of rats on them. Of course, he didn't forget to buy him a luxury cheese set complete with a custom-made cheese board and the name 'Peter Pettigrew' engraved into the wood.

For James, he'd bought the newest broomstick on the market, a picture book called 'A Foolish Wizard's Guide On How To Make A Witch Fall In Love With You' – James didn't read so pictures were enough. He'd also bought him a selection of Muggle sweets, and a brew-your-own Firewhisky set.

Remus was the tricky one to buy for. It had been four weeks since the incident involving Snape and Remus, and the werewolf still wasn't talking to him. That didn't mean that Sirius wouldn't buy him a Christmas present. He picked out a hamper of Honeyduke's finest chocolate, and a bunch of difficult-looking books that he was sure Remus would enjoy. Finally, to top it all off, he got him a teddy bear of a giant black dog, holding a 'I'm sorry' sign with its mouth. The back paw of the dog had a name underneath – Padfoot.

After sorting out his friends' presents, he moved on to other people. He bought all of the girls in Gryffindor a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans (for Mary, he added a few condoms), and gave a Chocolate Frog to Frank Longbottom.

He bought Chris Jones in Hufflepuff a box of chocolates because well, he had a nice arse.

He bought each of his teachers a little gift. He was feeling very generous this year.

For Mr and Mrs Potter, he bought a bouquet of flowers, and a mug for each of them – one reading 'most amazing kinda-mum in the world' and 'most amazing kinda-dad in the world'.

The only person left to buy for was Regulus. He was still getting used to the fact that his brother was clinically depressed. It hurt Sirius more than anything that Regulus was struggling with so much. He wanted to just tell him 'it'll be okay' but he knew that it wasn't enough.

Regulus seemed to be getting better, though. He seemed happier around school. Sirius would keep an eye on him and have a chat with him every now and then to make sure he wasn't spiralling again. He'd asked to join the Slytherin Quidditch team again, and Sirius was happy for him.

Now, he just needed to find him a damned present. Sirius had snuck out to Hogsmeade again to go shopping. The streets were now lined with a two-inch blanket of freshly fallen snow. Sirius was freezing.

He headed to a little shop next to Zonko's and sighed contently at the warmth of the shop.

The shop smelt of cinnamon and Sirius loved it. He'd never been in this shop before. He walked along the aisles, looking for something that popped out.

He picked up a little brownish-caramel coloured feather, that was encased in a mahogany box with a latch keeping it shut. Underneath was a sign that told him that it was a Wishing Feather. The feather was tiny – about the size of a walnut.

"Ah, the Wishing Feather," the shopkeeper said, making Sirius jump.

"What's it do?" Sirius asked curiously. "Does it really work?"

"Oh no, m'boy. It's more of a hope thing. You carry it with you and it brings you hope. It helps your wishes come true by changing your views of the world."

"I don't understand."

"You are more likely to succeed if you have hope, am I correct?" the shopkeeper said, peering down through his glasses. "If you want your wishes to come true, then all you need is a little hope. The Wishing Feather has magical properties that evoke hope."

"I'll buy it," Sirius said, his mind made up. It was perfect.

Ten minutes later, Sirius was leaving the shop with his purchased item in his brown paper bag. He knew exactly what he was doing next. He headed straight to the jewellers and handed them the feather.

"How can we help you today, sir?"

"Is it possible to get this feather pressed into a circle of wood, and then put on a chain? As a sort of necklace? A man's necklace, of course, so it would be a long chain."

"Of course," the lady said, grinning at him. "Do you have an address we can send it to afterwards?"

Sirius gave the address for the Potter's. He wanted to give it to Regulus in person. Also, there was no telling what his mother would do if she got it before Regulus did.

* * *

Sirius got back to Hogwarts just in time. They were all headed to Hogsmeade Station. Sirius grabbed his trunk from James who had dragged it all the way from the dorm to outside the Great Hall.

"Get all you need?" James asked.

"Yeah," Sirius beamed.

By the time they were on the train, they were all too sweaty to feel the cold. The four of them sat in the same compartment. Remus stared out of the window, ignoring Sirius completely. He sighed and turned his attention to James and Peter.

"So Pete, what are you going to do for two weeks without  _doing_ Mary?" Sirius wiggled his eyebrows at Peter, who blushed furiously.

"Oh yes, whatever will you do, Wormy?" James teased.

"Shut up," Peter mumbled. "At least I can get some action, unlike you lot."

"Ouch!" James said. "Wormy, I'm wounded."

"I can get some action," Sirius said. "I just choose not to."

"Yeah right," James said.

"Yes," Sirius said.

"I don't know one other gay bloke at Hogwarts," James pointed out.

Sirius pouted. "They don't need to be  _gay_ ," he said. "I can turn the straight ones."

"Ha!" James laughed. "Nah, mate. You epically failed with me."

"You just didn't give me enough time to work my manly charm," Sirius replied.

"Eww, no thanks. You have dog breath."

"You have stag breath."

"Gross," Peter said.

"I'd rather kiss Sirius over  _you_  any day," James admitted, grimacing at Peter's chocolate-covered face.

Sirius sniggered.

"Sirius, though. In all siriusness. When are you going to find a boyfriend?" James asked. Sirius loved how accepting James was now. He'd have never thought it possible a few months ago. James really was the best friend anybody could ask for.

"Like you said, there're no other gay blokes in the school," Sirius said miserably.

"Like  _you_  said, you can turn the straight ones," James said.

"Doubt it," Sirius said. "Plus, there's nobody I have my eye on."

"You have that glow, though," Peter said.

"What glow?"

"The glow that people have when they're in love."

Sirius snorted. "I must just be a glowy person."

"James has it, of course. I have it. Even Remus has it."

The three of them glanced over at Remus, whose cheeks were now slightly pink. He continued looking out of the window.

"So who is it?" James asked.

"I don't bloody know," Sirius said. "I don't fancy anyone. If I have a  _glow_  it's because of something else."

"If you say so, mate," James said.

Sirius folded his arms and resigned to staring out the window, like Remus.

* * *

When they finally reached King's Cross, Sirius was glad to get out. They'd spent the remainder of the journey in awkwardness. James had gone off looking for Lily and never returned. Peter had fallen asleep, and Remus had continued to stare out of the window not uttering a single word to Sirius.

Sirius found James again on the platform. He handed his Christmas present to Peter and wished him a 'Merry Christmas'.

Remus was about to head off to his parents, when Sirius decided to stop being a coward.

"Remus, wait!" he shouted, so that he could be heard over the noise at the station.

He saw Remus stop, and turn around slowly. This was the first time he'd looked into Remus's eyes properly since the incident, and he hated how hurt the other boy still looked.

"I have a present for you," Sirius said, walking up to him and handing him the presents he'd bought.

Remus looked a little surprised.

"Um, thanks."

"Remus, I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry about what I did. Just know that."

Remus sighed. "Goodbye, Sirius. Enjoy your Christmas."

"Bye," Sirius said weakly, as he watched Remus walk away. Was this ever going to end?

"Come on!" James yelled, turning Sirius's attention back to him. He nodded towards his own parents and then Sirius suddenly felt extremely nervous. What if the Potter's changed their mind about him? What if he was forced to live on the street, or worse, go back home?

He physically shuddered and then helped James with their belongings.

They reached Mr and Mrs Potter, and it seemed like out of nowhere he had arms around him. He grinned.

When Mrs Potter let him go, Mr Potter slapped him gently on the back and smiled down at him warmly. "Welcome to the family, Sirius."

Sirius beamed. "Thanks for having me."

* * *

They'd been at the Potter's for three hours before Sirius and James got a chance to disappear to their room. The Potter's had set up an extra bed for Sirius. Sirius had been to James's house a couple of times, but this time it felt different – like it was home.

James fell back onto his bed and pulled out a quill and parchment from his chest of drawers.

"Doing homework already? You've gone soft, Prongs."

"Shut up, you dolt," James replied, rolling his eyes. "I'm writing a letter to my Lily-kins."

"Ah," Sirius said. "So I'm going to have to deal with love-sick James for the whole two weeks?"

"Pretty much," James shrugged.

Sirius sighed. "You'd better give me a quill and parchment then."

"Who're you sending love letters to?" James smirked.

"Gross," Sirius said, snatching the quill and parchment out of James's hand. "I'm writing to Regulus."

"Awkward," James muttered, writing his letter.

Sirius started writing.

' _20/12/1976_

_Dear Regulus,_

_It's Sirius here. Just so – you know – you don't have to scan to the end straight away to find out who it's from. Actually, you probably recognise my handwriting. Whatever, it's Sirius._

_I'm writing to ask you how you are. Are you alright? I know that your depression came from everything that's going on at home. Try to ignore them. Ignore them and they'll ignore you. That usually worked for me. Usually._

_I'm at the Potter's house. It's massive, and much nice than_ our _house. They're a pureblood family just like us, and it's amazing how different it can be. I wish you were here to see it. They treat me like I'm their son. It's perfect._

_Regulus, if you get the urge to cut yourself, please please think of my voice in your head yelling 'no'. You can do it. I know you can – you're strong._

_Please check in. I miss you._

_Sirius'_

* * *

' _21/12/1976_

_Dear Sirius,_

_Thanks for the letter. I kind of gathered it was from you. Not from the handwriting, but you're the only person that would send me a letter._

_I'm alright. They're just as awful as always. I envy you so much. I wish I was braver so I could escape them like you did. The only thing getting me through really is the thought that at least you still care about me._

_The Potter's house sounds like a dream. I wish I could be there too. I bet it's all light and open and they have happy family photos instead of stoic family portraits where you can't see one smile. Well, except the one next to the kitchen where you start smirking towards the end. Still my favourite. I'm glad you found a family that's kind and accepting. You deserve that._

_I haven't got the urge in a while, actually. I think the medication and the therapy is really working. Sirius, it's bloody annoying. My subconscious has started sounding like you now. Merlin, please save me!_

_I miss you too,_

_Regulus'_

* * *

' _24/12/1976_

_Dear Regulus,_

_Don't your friends send you letters? That sucks. I'll be your friend if your friends are as heartless as that. I know, I know. Contain your excitement about gaining_ the _Sirius Black as a friend._

_It's almost CHRISTMAS! I got you something. And no, I can't tell you what it is. I'm giving it to you on the first day back. I hope you'll like it._

_Actually, come to think about it, it's a little bit girly. Shit. Don't be mad._

_ANYWAY. James and I played Quidditch today. Just the two of us. It was hilarious. James thinks I should try for the Gryffindor Seeker position next year. Think of it, us against each other. I'd totally win. Ha ha, joking._

_Not really._

_Been keeping up to date on all of your homework, mister? I haven't. Shame on me. Don't tell mum._

_Write back soon! Merry Christmas!_

_Love, Sirius'_

* * *

' _25/12/1976_

_Dear Sirius,_

_My friends don't really care to be quite honest. Oh Merlin, have mercy! I don't want_ the _Sirius Black as my friend. He's bad enough as my brother!_

_Yeah, it's Christmas. I'm sitting in my room and the only time I've seen mum or dad today was in a photo on the wall when I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. On the bright side, I found a parcel at the foot of my bed with the head of Kreacher's great-great-great grandmother in it. It's better than nothing._

_Oh, you got me something? You shouldn't have. It's girly? Oh dear, it's not a tiara is it? I don't think I could rock that look._

_Bring it on, Gryffindor! I'd beat you at Seeking... Seekering... Sdhskffjhdsf any day!_

_I actually have been keeping up to date on my homework because unlike you I happen to be failing. It's a nice distraction from the hell hole I'm in._

_I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas._

_Love,_

_Regulus'_

* * *

' _26/12/1976_

_Dear Regulus,_

_Christmas was aweeeeeeeeeeesome! It was the best day of my life! I got so many presents. Most of it, stuff I'll never use, but it's the thought that counts. Kinda like the head you got from Kreacher's great-something grandmother._

_Oh dear Merlin, I just realised how completely_ wrong _that sounded._

_Ew._

_Excuse me and my dirty mind._

_I can assure you it's not a tiara. I'm staring at it right now. It arrived yesterday and it's amazing. If you're okay with girly things. I feel awkward now. I didn't notice the girliness (is that a word?) when I bought it. You'll just have to deal with it._

_You're such a bloody nerd. I swear you and Remus would get along perfectly. You could easily just have study dates in the library every day with all your homework like the nerds you are._

_Anyway, I should probably get going because James has started throwing Bertie Bott's at my head, and the earwax one is about to really have earwax in a minute when I shove it in his ear._

_Wish me luck!_

_Love,_

_Sirius.'_

* * *

' _28/12/1976_

_Dear Regulus,_

_Did you forget to reply or something?_

_Let me know you're okay._

_Love,_

_Sirius'_

* * *

' _30/12/1976'_

_Dear Regulus,_

_It's been five days since I've heard from you._

_I'm worried._

_Love,_

_Sirius.'_

* * *

' _31/12/1976'_

_Dear Regulus,_

_I'm coming to check on you. This is scaring me._

_I don't even know if you're getting these but just know that I'm here for you._

_Love from Sirius'_

Sirius let the owl fly away with his letter and turned to James.

"I'm going, James."

"I'm sure he's fine," James replied.

"Look," Sirius said, panic clear in his voice. "He's my brother. I can't let anything happen to him. Either you stay or come with me, but either way I'm not changing my mind."

James sighed. "Okay, fine," he said. "Let's go tomorrow."

"No.  _Now_."

"It's the middle of the night, Sirius."

"I don't care!" Sirius replied, annoyed. Didn't he understand?

James nodded. "Okay."

He followed Sirius out of his bedroom and down the stairs in silence. They didn't want to wake the Potter's. He just hoped that Regulus was alright.

That was all that mattered.


	14. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comment, guys!
> 
> Just a note so that you don't get confused - this chapter is happening alongside the previous one. The previous chapter was from Sirius's POV, but this is just showing it from Regulus's POV.

It was only day two of the Christmas holidays and it was already unbearable. Regulus had been greeted at Platform 9 ¾ by one of their family's house elves instead of his parents. The house elf hadn't said a word, and then Regulus was home and his parents weren't there either.

Being alone in Grimmauld Place was eerie. It was such a huge house, and although he despised his parents, he didn't want to be alone either. The first day, he stayed in his room until a knock on his bedroom door told him that dinner was ready. He ate dinner alone downstairs under the prying eyes of the house elves. He hurried back upstairs afterwards to find a letter from Sirius.

His parents had returned that last night. They'd proceeded to call him downstairs where he was scolded for his dropping grades.

He was just sending off his reply to Sirius's letter when he was called downstairs on the second day. He braced himself and headed downstairs. His parents were standing tall, as usual. They stared down at him with frowns on their faces.

This couldn't be too good.

"Regulus, your mother and I are going away," Mr Black said.

"Away?" Regulus answered, trying hard to keep the glee from his voice. "Where?"

"We are going to France for business," Mrs Black said. "Only for a couple of days."

"We'll be back on Christmas day," Mr Black said. "We want you on your best behaviour while we're gone."

"Okay," Regulus replied. "When are you leaving?"

"Right now."

"Oh. Well... have fun."

Mr Black nodded. "Off you go, upstairs!"

He hurried upstairs, grinning the whole time. He waited till he heard the front door slam shut before he felt the relief spread over him.

He considered going out. Maybe just to walk around the neighbourhood. He was sure the house elves would tell his parents if he went any further.

He waited about an hour after his parents had left, and then put on his winter cloak and headed down.

"Where is Master going?" one of the house elves asked.

"Just for a walk," he replied, opening the door and heading out before the elf could say otherwise. The cold winter breeze was refreshing. He smiled and started walking. He'd never walked around his neighbourhood before. His parents wouldn't let him leave. If they were ever going out as a family, they'd use the floo to get to where they were going.

He walked around the corner. There was a swing park across the street. He headed over to it, and sat down on a bench. Muggle children were playing, and their parents were dotted around chatting to one another. Regulus watched the children enviously. Why couldn't he have had a childhood like theirs?

The children looked so carefree and cheerful. He remembered his childhood being full of lectures and tellings off for things that didn't matter. He remembered asking curiously what Muggle children his age were like and getting locked in the cellar for a week with minimal food.

He shivered a little in the cold.

"Mind if I sit next to you?" came a voice, breaking him out of his morose thoughts. He glanced up to see a girl around his age. She was all wrapped up in winter clothes. She had long brown hair and she was wearing a woolly hat. Her face was red from the cold.

"Er-" Regulus moved over to the very edge of the bench. "Sure."

She sat down next to him. Although they weren't that close to each other, he could feel her. He wasn't sure what to feel. He'd never spoken to a Muggle before. He glanced up at her and she was smiling at him.

This made him look away again. He needed to make a quick escape. Now.

"I've never seen you around before," she said, before he could move.

"Yeah. Um, I don't get out much."

"Are you here with anyone?" she asked. "I'm here with my little sister. Park duty," she rolled her eyes.

"No. My parents are away," Regulus said. "My brother's... gone."

"Gone?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?" she asked. "If you don't mind..."

"He ran away," Regulus said.

"What's your name?" the girl asked.

"Regulus."

"That's a strange name," she giggled. "Are you, like, posh or something?"

Regulus wasn't sure how to reply. "Um... yeah, I guess. Kinda."

"I'm Dianne. It's nice to meet you."

"Yeah," Regulus mumbled.

"So what are you doing here all alone in a kid's park?" Dianne asked.

"Just – I don't know. Just thinking, I guess."

"You know, I don't bite," she teased. "You can sit next to me. You're about to fall off the end of the bench."

"Oh," Regulus said. He didn't move at all.

"If you don't mind, do you have a girlfriend?" she asked, looking hopeful.

"What?"

"Nothing," she mumbled, looking away.

"I haven't got a girlfriend," Regulus said. "And I'm not looking for one."

"Oh, okay," Diane said, expression sad. "Are you, like, just not interested?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Diane said. "I know it's a bit – I know we've just met, but... well, you're not even the slightest bit interested in me?"

Regulus glanced at her. "You interest me," he said. "But not like  _that_. I don't like anyone like  _that_."

"Why do I interest you?" she asked, playfully batting her eyelashes.

"You're a Muggle," Regulus said. "I've never met one before."

"What's a Muggle?"

"Never mind."

"So what, are you like, gay?" Diane asked.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "You must have me confused with my brother."

"How old is your brother?"

"He's seventeen," Regulus said. "And like I said, gay. So no, he's not interested."

"Is he as hot as you are?" she smirked.

Regulus blushed furiously and looked away. "I'm –  _what_?"

"You must know how good-looking you are."

"I'm not," Regulus replied. "I need to go."

"Aw, same time tomorrow?"

"No, sorry," he replied, getting up and walking away quickly. Were all Muggles so bloody intrusive? He shook his head. He wasn't  _hot_.

Who was she to question him like that?

When he got home, he was glad to shrug off his winter robes and sit on the floor in front of the fireplace. If his parents had been home, they wouldn't have allowed it.

He decided he'd better get bus with homework. He asked one of the house elves to grab his homework things and started writing away.

* * *

The next couple of days, Regulus spent in front of the fire doing his homework. He was quite proud at how much work he was getting done. He hadn't left the house again. He didn't want any more run-ins with overly-flirty intrusive Muggles.

It wasn't until Christmas morning that he started feeling that feeling inside – the dread that his parents would be home. He woke up to a parcel at the end of his bed. Inside was Kreacher's great-great-great grandmother's head.

He replied to the letter he'd received yesterday from Sirius, and then carried on with his homework, this time from his bedroom. He didn't want his parents to catch him sitting on the floor with all his things scattered around.

It was about five o'clock in the evening when his parents arrived. He was summoned downstairs, and then subjected to an hour long talk about their trip to France.

Apparently they'd been off looking for a suitable wife for him. He stopped listening after a while before their words broke through when he heard them say "she's coming tomorrow".

"Huh?"

"Adalyn Chevalier. She's coming tomorrow."

" _That's_  her name?" Regulus asked.

"Have you not been listening to a word we've been saying?" Mrs Black said, nostrils flaring. "Adalyn is arriving tomorrow and we will be aiming for a summer wedding."

Regulus felt light-headed. He couldn't get married. He didn't  _want_  to get married. Not to a random girl he'd never met before. She was bloody  _French_! She probably didn't even speak English.

He wanted to find someone by himself. He wanted to fall in love.

"Okay," he muttered.

"Please, go upstairs. We'll call you down when dinner's ready."

* * *

It was Boxing Day, and Mr and Mrs Black had put out some formal robes for Regulus to wear. He scanned over them in disgust, but grudgingly put them on.

Just as he was about to go downstairs to meet the dreaded future wife, he heard an owl at his window. He instantly felt calmer. He ran to open the letter that he knew was from Sirius.

He smiled and started writing a reply.

" _REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK, GET DOWN HERE NOW!_ "

He jumped and left his letter. He hurried downstairs, almost slipping on the last couple of steps. She was already here.

She stood tall, like his parents did. She had long blonde hair that fell into curls halfway down her back. She was wearing light green dress robes. She looked much older than him. It made him feel sick. Her mouth quirked up slightly when she saw Regulus, but then her expression was placid once more.

"Regulus, this is Adalyn. Adalyn, Regulus."

She curtsied. "It's nice to meet you."

Regulus was taken aback by her lack of an accent. "Um, hi."

His parents stared furiously at him. He straightened up and then bowed.

"We shall start to plan our wedding," Adalyn said coolly, walking towards him slowly. She took his hand. Every part of him wanted to scream. He didn't want this. He didn't want her. She wasn't the slightest bit attractive in his eyes. She had nothing. No allure. No personality. Nothing.

He fought the tears.

"When we're married, I will be moving to London. Your parents have set up a home for us. I expect we'll be starting a family almost immediately. I also hear you'll be joining Lord Voldemort soon, which will be excellent for our children."

"I'm  _sixteen_ ," Regulus couldn't help but say. "I'm not ready to be married or have children, and I am  _not_  joining Voldemort."

He heard his parents sigh from across the room. "Adalyn," Mr Black said apologetically. "Please excuse our son for his harsh words."

She nodded.

"I mean, how old is she anyway?" he said, yanking his hand away from her and childishly wiping it off as if it had been contaminated.

" _REGULUS_!" Mrs Black whispered loudly. "How  _dare_  you?"

"I am twenty-three," Adalyn replied, looking slightly offended.

"And it doesn't matter, because you will marry Adalyn and you will be a good husband to her and a good father to your children," Mrs Black said.

"No," Regulus said, feeling his heart race. He refused. He couldn't take this.

"What is this about?" Mr Black demanded furiously.

"Master, if I may," Deesy the house elf croaked. "Deesy saw Master Regulus sneak out a few days ago. Deesy was concerned for Master Regulus's wellbeing so Deesy followed him. Deesy saw Master Regulus speaking with a Muggle girl. Deesy thinks that Master Regulus might be in love with her."

Regulus was angry. Angrier than he'd ever been. This was ridiculous. He watched his parents' faces turn to fury.

"Adalyn, please return home. We will try to welcome you to our family another time. We have to deal with our son."

Adalyn nodded and headed back to the fireplace to floo back home.

Regulus gulped as he watched his parents' heads turn from the fireplace to look at him.

"You are a disgrace to our family," Mrs Black said, clutching at the part of her chest where her heart is.

"I talked to a Muggle girl," Regulus admitted, trying to be brave. It was difficult when his voice threatened to break with every word and his annoying stutter tried to force its way onto every word. "I am not in love with her. That's ridiculous."

"Why would you speak with such filthy scum?" Mr Black asked.

"I was curious," he said, backing up a little and realising he was being backed into a corner. His heart was thumping in fear.

Before he knew what was happening, he was on the floor. Pain stung in his left cheek. He touched his hand to his cheek hand realised there was blood. His mother had struck him.

He let out a deep breath and tried to keep calm.

"I don't understand," Mrs Black said, eyes watering. She looked at her husband. "Am I a bad mother?"

"Of course not," Mr Black said. "For some reason we have brought up two children who are disgusting, and disgraceful, and unworthy of their names."

"I understood more with Sirius," Mrs Black said. Regulus hadn't heard her say Sirius's name since half term. "He was always rebellious. He was always going to disappoint us. But  _you_ , Regulus? My youngest. My last hope."

"I'm sorry I disappointed you," Regulus spat.

"You have the nerve to talk to your own mother in such a way?" Mr Black asked.

"He's a waste of space," Mrs Black said, not looking at Regulus. "He won't amount to anything. Lock him in the cellar."

"No," Regulus protested. "No,  _please_!"

Regulus hated the cellar. It was dark and cold and damp, and he didn't know how long he'd be down there for. He tried to get up but four of the house elves were dragging him across the floor towards the cellar.

" _PLEASE_!" he cried, feeling panic rise up inside him.

He could see the cellar door. He couldn't get out of the house elves grips, and he was getting too close to the place he feared most.

He was thrown into darkness. The door clicked as it locked.

* * *

He wasn't sure how long he'd been in there. There was only darkness. It surrounded him, and it suffocated him. He couldn't even see his own hand inches from his face.

He'd cried all the tears he could cry. He had nothing left inside him. His stomach was screaming for food. His mouth was so dry.

He hated his family.

With nothing but darkness, everything came flooding back. All the pain, all the hurt, all the memories. Everything he'd tried to suppress came back in a tidal wave of emotions.

He stood up weakly. With all of his strength, he lunged at the cellar door, trying desperately to break through. Nothing happened. He banged against it again, and again, and again.

The pain felt good.

* * *

When one of the house elves apparated in with food, he was too hungry to care about begging to leave. He grabbed the tray of food and devoured it in seconds. The house elf was alone.

He felt around his tray for anything left to eat. He was still starving. He felt a goblet, and he hastily drank, letting the liquid fall down his throat. It was the greatest feeling. But then there was none left and he had no idea how long it would be before he got any more food.

His hand grazed over something sharp. A knife – for the bread he'd shoved down his throat.

He grasped the knife in his hand and brought it up to his wrist.

He shouldn't. He'd worked so hard to stop himself.

But what was there to lose? He was locked away in the cellar for Merlin knows how long, and his medication was upstairs.

He could indulge a little.

He just wouldn't tell anybody.

Regulus pressed the blade against his skin and felt the familiar feeling of relief as it cut his skin. He revelled in the feeling.

He cut himself again, and then again. Every time the pain came back he'd take control. It was suddenly not so bad in the cellar.

* * *

When he was finally let out, he was sent straight to his bedroom. He didn't argue. He went upstairs in silence, swaying a little from his lack of food and drink.

He entered his room, and dropped down on his bed.

Everything came back. Everything the cutting was making him forget when he was in the cellar. He couldn't live like this any longer. It hurt too much. It was too much pain for one person.

He tried to breathe evenly, but he couldn't. He knew at times like this that his medication would help him.

He fumbled around in his bedside table for the tablets and pulled them out.

He took one and exhaled.

Unsure of why he was doing what he was doing, Regulus took another tablet out of the box and swallowed it.

He took a third one, and a fourth one.

Before he could take a fifth one, he felt himself go light-headed.

His room was fading away.

His vision become dotted with black holes and his eyes felt heavy.

Everything went black.


	15. Where Are You?

The journey to the Black house had been a frustrating one for both Sirius and James. For Sirius, because of how long it took and how worried he was. For James, because Sirius was so bloody irritating. James was extremely happy to see the street sign 'Grimmauld Place' at long last after many trains and buses through London.

"Which house is yours?"

Sirius cast him an annoyed glance. "I don't live here anymore," he said.

"You know what I mean," James replied.

"Number 12."

James couldn't see a number 12. He thought Sirius was losing it. He followed Sirius without question while he wondered how long it would take his best friend to realise that there was not a number 12. Sirius was walking briskly up to number 11 and number 13.

"Can you see it?" Sirius asked.

James looked from Sirius back to the houses and to his astonishment, there was suddenly an extra house wedged in the middle of numbers 11 and 13. He blinked, and number 12 was still there.

"That's pretty cool," James commented, impressed.

Sirius smiled. "The only cool thing about this place, really."

They headed up to the front door. Sirius's heart was beating faster and faster with each step. What would his family say when they saw him? Would he get attacked? Would they slam the door in his face?

But he needed to know that Regulus was alright.

Using all of his Gryffindor courage, Sirius knocked three times on the front door.

"Hey, remember to breathe mate. You're going blue," James whispered.

Sirius let out a deep breath. The door creaked open. It wasn't his father or his mother. It was a house elf. He let out a sigh of relief.

"THE BLOOD TRAITOR!" Kreacher yelled. He was about to slam the door but Sirius forced his foot in the way.

"Look Kreacher. I know we don't really like each other much, but I want to see Regulus."

"Master Regulus does not want to see you," Kreacher growled.

James and Sirius glanced at each other before James spoke. "I think Sirius just wants to know that Regulus is safe."

"Master Regulus is fine."

"You know, after living with you for my whole life, I know for a fact that you are the most dishonest house elf in the house," Sirius stated, feeling angry. "Let me in!"

"Kreacher cannot."

Sirius shoved the door open, knocking Kreacher aside. The house was darker than he remembered. There was a musty smell, and he got a chill when he stepped into the hallway.

"This place is..."

"Horrible," Sirius finished.

"You lived  _here_?"

"Unfortunately."

They headed slowly down the hallway, trying not to make too much noise. Sirius led James up the stairs, avoiding the creaky ones and avoiding any portraits that could alert his parents that he was in the house.

They finally reached Regulus's bedroom. "There," Sirius whispered, pointing to his brother's door.

Opening the door, Sirius heart seemed to drop when Regulus was nowhere to be seen. His bed covers were messy and there was a piece of parchment on the desk. Sirius headed over.

He picked up the parchment with shaky hands.

' _Dear Sirius,_

_I'm glad you had a good Christmas. I'm also glad you got lots of useless presents that you'll never use. I'm sure that's very useful._

_You are disgusting. Honestly. And extremely dirty minded. EURGH._

_Actually Lupin and I do get on quite well at prefect meetings. I don't know about study dates though. I mean, I'm not ready for such a big commitment just yet. He might have to buy me a drink first._

_How do you know it's earwax before you've even eaten it? You are really-'_

The unsent letter stopped there. Sirius smiled a little at the letter and folded it. He put it in his pocket and then turned to James, who was still standing in the doorway.

"He replied to my letter," Sirius said. "But obviously never finished it or sent it."

"That's not good," James muttered, looking worried.

" _JIMMY!_ "

"Who's Jimmy?" James asked.

"He was my favourite house elf?"

"You're family named a house elf Jimmy?" James was amused. "It doesn't really suite the Black Family."

"He's actually called something else, but I've been calling him Jimmy for as long as I can remember and he answers to it," Sirius said, shrugging.

Suddenly Jimmy was standing in the room with them, looking at Sirius.

"Master Sirius has returned!"

"Yeah, man. I was worried about Reg. Where is he?"

Jimmy looked down at his feet. "Master and Mistress took Master Regulus to St. Mungo's a few hours ago. He was very unwell."

"Thanks, Jimmy," Sirius nodded to the house elf, and bolted from the room, grabbing James and dragging him along.

"Slow down, mate."

They rushed down the stairs. If his parents had taken Regulus away, then they couldn't be home. Which meant they could use the floo.

Sirius dragged James into the living room, and towards the fireplace. He took a handful of floo powder and handed some to James.

Stepping into the fireplace, Sirius said "St. Mungo's Hospital For Magical Maladies And Injuries."

He was engulfed in green flames.

* * *

When Sirius reappeared at the hospital with James following closely behind him, they were standing at the main reception.

Sirius walked up to the desk marked 'Inquiries' to the Welcome Witch. She smiled kindly at him.

"How can I help you?"

"My brother was brought in," Sirius said.

"What's his name?"

"Regulus Black."

The receptionist flicked through a large book, eyes scanning quickly. Sirius watched a frown appear on her face.

"What is it?" Sirius asked worriedly.

"I have nobody in the hospital with that name. Are you sure he came here?"

"Well, that's what I've been told," Sirius said frantically.

"Do you know what he came in for?"

"No, and I'm really worried. My house elf said my parents brought him in a few hours ago."

The receptionist's expression changed. "Same black hair and grey eyes as yours?"

"Yes."

"Your parents – very tall father and your mother has a mole on her cheek?"

"Yes," Sirius said quickly.

"They did bring him here, and left him in reception," she said. "Didn't even wait for us to tell them that we couldn't do anything because his problem wasn't magical."

"What happened?"

"They said they had errands to run, and then disappeared. We called an ambulance and he was taken to the Muggle hospital. Accident and Emergency."

Sirius couldn't believe what he was hearing. How bad was this?

"Which hospital?" he managed to choke out.

"I assume the nearest one," the receptionist said. "Which is the Royal London Hospital."

"Where is it?"

"It's just a couple of streets away. Here," she handed him a map. She circled the hospital on the map.

"Thank you," Sirius said, grabbing James again.

"You're very welcome. Good luck finding him."

* * *

When they finally found the hospital, Sirius searched the signs for 'Accident and Emergency'. When he found the sign, he ran through the corridors with James just behind him. It was a long way to the emergency department, and he was terrified now.

He finally arrived, and once again he was standing in the reception area.

Breathless, he ran up to the desk.

"My brother's been brought in," Sirius panted.

"What's his name?"

"Regulus Black," Sirius replied.

He watched the same look of confusion cross the receptionist's face.

"Are you sure-"

"-No, I'm not one hundred percent sure he came here, but he's only sixteen and he's alone and I need to be with him.  _Please_  look harder."

The receptionist smiled sympathetically at him and nodded. "We had a sixteen year old brought in a little while ago but we didn't get a name. It might be him. I'll need a description of what he looks like."

"He's slightly smaller than me. He's quite skinny, um, looks a bit similar to me. Same hair, same eyes. He is very pale. He wears a ring. A heavy one with a crest on it."

"That's fine. I'll go through now. If you'd just wait a minute," she said, walking out.

It felt like an eternity before she reappeared. She was smiling a little. She sat down.

"Yes, that's him. What was his name again? We need to put it in the book."

"It's Regulus Black. R – E – G – U – L – U –S."

"Thank you so much. If you'll come with me, we'll take you through. Is your friend there a family member?"

"Er, no," James said awkwardly.

"Can I ask that you wait in the waiting room, sir?"

"Yeah, sure."

Sirius followed the receptionist through a couple of corridors. He walked past cubicles of beds with patients lying in them.

"He's just in cubicle 4," she said, pointing towards a slightly larger cubicle with a number 4 above it.

"Thanks."

He rushed over and opened the curtain.

He wasn't prepared to see Regulus looking so unwell.

Regulus was hooked up to all sorts of weird machines, and there were a couple of people around, writing things down.

He felt the tears rise in his eyes when he looked down at Regulus who was sleeping. Under Regulus's hospital gown he could see fresh cuts on his arm.

Sirius tried not to cry.

"You must be the brother," a lady said.

Sirius couldn't find words. He nodded.

"Do you know what happened to him?" she asked.

"N-no," he managed.

The lady stood up and took him to one side. "My name's Anna and I'm the nurse who is looking after him. It's very nice to meet you. Unfortunately your brother was brought in by ambulance because he has had an overdose on his tricyclic antidepressant medication, which is very serious."

"An... overdose?" Sirius was shocked.

"Yes. I don't know why people insist on giving such dangerous medication to people who are vulnerable."

"Is he... is he okay?" Sirius asked in a small voice. He couldn't take his eyes off of Regulus.

"It's too early to tell right now," she replied. "These kinds of overdoses have many serious side effects. Some take weeks to begin. At the moment he is tachycardic."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that his heart rate is extremely rapid. Over four times the normal heart rate."

"Is that... really bad?"

"Yes it is," Anna replied. "Which is why he is being monitored. The amount of pills he has taken has caused his heart rate to rise so dramatically that he has SVT, which can be very bad."

"Can I sit with him?"

"Of course you can. We'll give you a minute of privacy." She nodded to her colleagues, who left the cubicle.

Sirius took his seat next to Regulus and let the tears fall. "What have you done to yourself?" he mumbled, taking Regulus's hand and squeezing it lightly. "You stupid bloody idiot."

Sitting so close he could see how fast Regulus's chest was rising and falling. He sat for a couple of minutes just watching Regulus breathe, before the sounds of the machines started changing. The beeps were getting faster and faster.

Sirius's heart rate seemed to pick up as quickly as the beeps. He jumped up, letting go of Regulus's hand. He ran from the cubicle.

"Something's wrong!" Sirius yelled to the nurses.

They immediately came running, and he watched their horrified expressions when the beeps stopped and changed.

"He's gone into cardiac arrest, grab the consultant!" someone yelled.

"You'll need to stand outside," Anna said quickly, taking Sirius out of the way and closing the curtain.

"What's happened?" Sirius asked.

"He's having a heart attack," she replied.

The words echoed through his head over and over. Heart attack.

Regulus could die.

Sirius covered his mouth with his hand and closed his eyes. He could hear people talking frantically behind the curtain, the bangs of electric as they tried to resuscitate Regulus.

It was the worst thing he'd ever had to go through.

It could have been seconds, or minutes, or half an hour. The doctor emerged from the cubicle and glanced at Sirius.

"May I have a word with you?" he asked.

Sirius heart dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I work as a receptionist in an A&E department, so I really enjoyed writing this. It's the kind of thing we see everyday, and it truly is heartbreaking when you see a family member standing outside when someone goes into cardiac arrest and all you can do as a non-medical member of staff is just sit and pray that they will be alright.
> 
> Don't kill me for the cliffhanger, also XD


	16. A Night On Ward 13

Sirius was fast asleep. It was a peaceful sleep – no more nightmares like the ones he'd been getting so often. He was dreaming of meadows and sunlight and fresh air. He was dreaming of paradise.

He jolted awake when a hand touched his shoulder.

His vision was blurry at first and then he remembered where he was, and he woke up a little quicker. He was sitting on a chair in Regulus's room on Ward 13 in the hospital. Regulus had been on the ward since this morning following his heart attack.

Sirius blinked at the nurse who had woken him up.

"You should really go home and get some rest," she whispered. "He will be fine."

"No, I won't leave him alone," Sirius said stubbornly, glancing over at Regulus who was still hooked up to machines.

"He's in good hands," the nurse said, looking sympathetically at him. "It can't be comfortable sleeping on that chair."

"I'm fine. As long as he's next to me."

"Hmm, alright then. Let us know if you need a pillow."

"Yes please," Sirius said with a tired smile. She left the room and reappeared with a pillow in her hand.

"Goodnight."

The room was now filled with beeps from the machines. Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't even want to know what ungodly hour in the morning it was.

"Sirius?"

Sirius's eyes shot open and he turned to look at Regulus, whose eyes were fluttering open. He looked confused. He hadn't been conscious since the overdose, and Sirius wanted more than anything to make him feel better but he knew that it wasn't possible.

"Reg, I'm right here," he reassured, reaching his hand out and taking Regulus's.

"Where am I?" Regulus croaked, blinking through the darkness at Sirius.

"You're in h-hospital," Sirius said, his voice breaking a little. Regulus groaned and put his head back against the pillow.

"I feel horrible," he mumbled. "What happened to me?"

"You... um... you overdosed on your medication," Sirius whispered. "Can't you remember?"

Regulus lay there for a minute in silence and then he made a small pained sound and clutched his side. "It hurts."

"I know it does, Reg. I wish I could make it better."

"I r-remember," Regulus trembled, closing his eyes. "I d-don't know why I did it. I was scared."

"You're not – I mean, you weren't trying to... kill yourself, were you?" Sirius asked cautiously. He'd been wondering this the entire day.

He saw Regulus frown. "I don't think so."

"Because if I ever lost you, you'd be in so much trouble."

Regulus smiled a little and shook his head. "Thanks."

Sirius smiled back and squeezed his hand. "What happened at home that led to... you know?"

"They found me a wife. They brought her over, and they said that we'd be married by summer and we'd be having children and I'd be joining Voldemort, and I just r-refused. "

"Don't blame you," Sirius muttered, shaking his head. "I wouldn't want to marry one of those things in a million years."

Regulus's mouth quirked up a little. "Those things?" he asked.

"Females, ugh."

Regulus laughed. "That's because you're gay."

"What's your excuse?" Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know her, and my first impression wasn't a very good one. I didn't find her the slightest bit attractive-"

"-You've never fancied anyone," Sirius pointed out.

"So?"

"So maybe you're just not the romantic type."

Regulus scoffed. "You got that right. It's too sweet and perfect and unrealistic."

Sirius shook his head. "So what happened after you refused?"

"Mother locked me in the cellar for Merlin knows how long, and I was starving and because I couldn't take my medication I got the urges back to hurt myself. I'm s-so ashamed, Sirius. I'm s-s-sorry."

"Hey, that's alright," Sirius said quickly, leaning in closer to him and rubbing his hand soothingly on Regulus's arm. "Don't be sorry. It's them who need to be sorry."

"B-by the time I got out, I had the worst ideas of h-h-hurting myself so I took my medication and I d-don't know why I decided to take more than one."

"Promise me you'll never  _ever_  put yourself in so much danger again," Sirius whispered. "You scared the crap out of me."

"I promise," Regulus whispered back. He glanced around the room and frowned at Sirius. "Is this a Muggle hospital?"

"Yes."

Regulus nodded and winced again in pain. "It hurts to breathe."

"You had a heart attack," Sirius said quietly, trying not to think about it. "They saved your life. The overdose sped your heart rate up so much that you had a heart attack, and I thought you were going to die and I was  _so so_ scared-"

" _Shhh_ ," Regulus said, reaching out and touching Sirius's cheek. Sirius knew there were tears on his face, and he knew that Regulus could feel them.

"I nearly lost you," Sirius said, wiping his eyes.

"But you didn't," Regulus said. "They saved me."

"What are you going to do when you leave here?" Sirius asked.

"I can't go home. I can't do it. I'm so afraid."

"Don't think about it, Reg. It'll only stress you out," Sirius whispered. "I will figure something out for you. Don't stress yourself, okay?"

"Okay," Regulus said with a smile. "Sirius?"

"Hm?"

"I love you," he mumbled quietly. "You're the best brother... the best friend a person could ask for. I'm so lucky."

Sirius felt his heart rate pick up and a grin appeared on his face. "I love you too, Reg."

"You'll make a good boyfriend, you know," Regulus stated. "When you find that special person."

"Why would you say that?" Sirius asked.

"Well, you're an extremely caring person and you will protect anybody that you love and you'd always put them before you."

"And also I'm sexy," Sirius said with a shrug.

"Well, if you say so," Regulus replied, rolling his eyes.

"You know it's true."

"Keep dreaming, Sirius," Regulus smiled.

"I was having a lovely dream actually, until the nurse woke me up," Sirius said. "I was dreaming that I was sitting in a meadow full of flowers with the wind in my hair-"

"-You are so gay," Regulus laughed. "I don't know how I never realised it before."

"I'm not  _that_  gay."

"You're the very definition of gay. I wouldn't be surprised if you started next term carrying a handbag around school."

Sirius poked him in the arm playfully. "That's stereotyping, mister."

" _That's stereotyping,"_ Regulus mimicked, dodging out of the way of Sirius's light punch.

"Idiot," Sirius muttered.

"Dumbass."

"Faggot."

"HYPOCRATE!"

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"You're the faggot," Regulus pointed out.

"That's very offensive."

"Well, you said it first so..."

"Dick," Sirius said.

"Moron."

"Imbecile."

"Bellatrix-Lover."

"That's taking it one step too far," Sirius grimaced. "Kreacher-Lover."

"I actually like Kreacher," Regulus said.

"So that's why you've never had any feelings for anyone," Sirius grinned. "You're in love with Kreacher."

"Obviously!" Regulus replied.

Sirius shook his head with a grin. "So seriously, how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling tired," Regulus said. "And upset and weak. But I'm trying to be upbeat."

"You don't have to pretend with me, Reg," Sirius said, squeezing his hand again.

"What's the best part about being away from Mum and Dad?" Regulus asked.

"The happiness. The freedom. The ability to be carefree. Reg, you'll love it."

"I wish I could be as brave as you are," Regulus replied. "I know I've been able to stand up to them lately but I'm terrified, Sirius."

"You're the bravest person I know," Sirius said. "I'm not just saying that. I mean it."

"Thank you," Regulus said. "That means a lot coming from the most Gryffindor-y Gryffindor there is."

"You know you're the most Gryffindor-y Slytherin I know?" Sirius grinned.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Hmm, I love Gryffindors so..."

"But not Slytherins so much," Regulus replied. "So it's kind of a love-hate thing."

"Well maybe we can convince Dumbledore to change your House when we tell him what happened at home," Sirius winked.

"I don't... I wouldn't want to," Regulus said hesitantly. "I mean, I like Slytherin. It's my home. A much better home than the one I'm used to."

Sirius smiled. "Yeah, that's how I feel about Gryffindor. Oh, I have your Christmas present!"

"Oh, the tiara?" Regulus teased.

"It's not a tiara," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes and reaching into his bag to pick up the necklace. He passed it to Regulus and then snatched it back quicker than ever.

"What?" Regulus asked, amused.

"It's... like...  _really_  girly now I think about it," Sirius flushed.

Regulus smiled. "I don't care, Sirius."

"But you'll probably hate it."

"I doubt that. Anything's better than great-great-great Kreacher's head."

Sirius smirked.

" _Don't_  you be all gross and dirty minded again," Regulus warned, giving Sirius a stern look. "Let me see the present."

"Manors!"

"Let me see the present,  _please_ ," Regulus smiled sweetly, holding out his hand.

Sirius hesitantly placed the box in Regulus's hand and looked away, trying to hide his embarrassed face. He knew he should have gotten Regulus a Quidditch magazine or something. This was far too embarrassing.

He glanced at Regulus for a second and then turned his head completely as he watched him take in the gift. Regulus was staring at it in awe, grazing his fingers over the pendant that Sirius had practically designed himself.

"Sirius... I love it," Regulus breathed slowly, looking up from the necklace and at Sirius. "It's... very girly, but I love it. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Sirius murmured quietly. "Er, the feather... it's a Wishing Feather... it er, brings you hope. It was just something I picked up in Hogsmeade. No biggie."

"It's wonderful," Regulus said firmly, putting it around his neck and letting the pendant drop down under his hospital gown. "What's next, the engagement ring?" Regulus teased.

This only cause Sirius to flush redder and he let out an embarrassed half-cough. "That's just-"

"-I'm kidding, I'm kidding," Regulus smiled. "It was the best gift I've ever gotten. I wish I'd got you something now."

"No need," Sirius said. "Just knowing you're okay and you're safe is a good enough gift for me."

Regulus nodded and let out a yawn.

"Is someone very tired?" Sirius cooed.

Regulus batted his hand away in annoyance and pouted. "I think they have me on some sort of sleeping drug."

"Go to sleep, Reg," Sirius said, more seriously. "You need some rest. You've been through a lot today."

"Goodnight, Sirius," Regulus whispered, letting his eyes fall closed slowly. Sirius watched him as he fell into sleep. He watched him as he breathed in and out, and he watched the way his mouth quirked into a slight smile for a moment and then it went back to normal.

He looked at Regulus as he slept and he could feel his heart pounding away in his chest faster than ever before.

He felt the sudden intense urge to kiss him.

 _What the actual hell_ , he thought to himself in disgust. What was wrong with him? He closed his eyes and tried to think of something else. Anything else. All thoughts led back to Regulus.

He couldn't be thinking those sorts of thoughts. That was gross, and disgusting, and completely inappropriate.

He glanced back at Regulus and his heart pounded impossibly faster. He tried hard not to look at Regulus's slightly parted lips, and failed miserably, letting the forbidden thought drift back into his head like water going through a sieve.

Damn, he wanted to kiss those lips.  _Only one kiss, he'll never know._

Sirius slid his chair back hastily, making a loud scraping sound against the floor. He instantly glanced up at Regulus, who rolled over in his sleep.

_I'm disgusting. I need to see a bloody therapist myself. He's my brother. What am I even thinking?_

But yet Sirius had never felt the urge to kiss someone so much in his life. It was overwhelming.

 _Think of something else._ Anything _else. Think of school. Think of all that homework you still have to do. Gross. Think of Remus. Damn, he still hasn't forgiven you. Think of James. Crap, he's probably really worried. Think of Peter. He's probably using the condoms you gave him for Christmas. EW EW EW._

Sirius glanced at the necklace that disappeared beneath Regulus's hospital gown and he felt physically sick. Why had he even picked a necklace anyway? Regulus was his brother – it was a dumb,  _weird_  idea.

Regulus made a small sound and Sirius watched as his eyes opened again. He felt himself turn crimson when Regulus looked at him.

_I'm Sirius Black. I don't blush like this. It's because I feel guilty. Terribly guilty. Oh Merlin, what if he can read minds and he knows what I was thinking? Oh Merlin, oh Merlin. SIRIUS HE CANNOT READ MINDS, CALM DOWN. Calm down. I still want to kiss him. Crap._

"Sirius?"

"Mmhmm?" Sirius said, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Will you stay here all night?" Regulus asked in a small voice.

_NO I CANNOT. THIS IS CAUSING DISTURBING THOUGHTS TO COME INTO MY HEAD. NEVER._

"I... actually can't, Reg," Sirius said. "I, er, have to see James."

He watched Regulus's face fall.

"I'm sorry," Sirius added, standing up quickly. "I have to go."

He headed towards the door quickly, desperate to get out and hoping that fresh air would clear his mind from his dirty thoughts.

"Sirius,  _please_."

He stopped and turned to look at Regulus.

"I don't want to be here alone.  _Please_ stay. I'll have the worst nightmares otherwise," Regulus pleaded.

The pained, hurt face of his younger brother made Sirius sit back down. He sighed and nodded.

"Okay, I promise I'll stay."

Regulus smiled brightly. "Thanks."

Sirius's heart rate picked up again and he smiled back. "No problem. Go back to sleep."

"Love you," Regulus yawned, closing his eyes.

"Yeah," Sirius said quietly. "I... me too."

Regulus smiled a little, and then he was lost again in sleep. Sirius watched him again, this time with curiosity.

Could it really be true?

Never. End of.

Sirius closed his eyes and filled his head with meadows again, and flowers, and bloody fresh air.

He knew it would be a long night.


	17. Defensive... Werewolves?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the lovely comments!
> 
> If you ever read my other multi-chap 'Passage of Hesitance' you will recognise the OC I put in this chapter. If you're wondering, he's the same guy. I liked him XD
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

Regulus sat up in his hospital bed and glanced out the window. It was light outside. He'd been on the ward for a couple of days now, and he spent most of his time sleeping. When he did wake up he wasn't sure what time of the day it was and what day of the week it was. For all he knew, the Christmas holidays could already be over.

He glanced at the table next to his bed to see a tray of food. He grimaced. The hospital food was truly disgusting. If he never spent another day in hospital after this he'd die happy.

"Oh, you're awake!" the nurse beamed. "Good good. We've done all of your obs. Your ECG is fine – your heart rate is back to normal. Your bloods came back perfect and you have a good GCS. I know that probably doesn't make much sense, but all it means really is that you can go home today."

"Oh," Regulus said. "Home?"

"Yes. I'll be back in a couple of hours to get you ready for your discharge."

"Okay," Regulus mumbled, feeling dread in his chest at the thought of going back home. He didn't know what else he was expecting, really. Of course he'd have to be sent home eventually. He just hadn't thought it would be so soon.

As soon as the nurse was gone, the door reopened and Sirius walked in.

"What'd she say?" Sirius asked.

"That I can go home today," Regulus replied, frowning. "I can't go home."

"Well," Sirius smiled. "Luckily for you, I'm amazing."

Regulus raised his eyebrows at Sirius's proud expression. "Go on..."

"I spoke to Dumbledore and the Ministry. I know, I know. I'm wonderful."

"What did you say? What did they say?" Regulus asked.

"Well, I told the Ministry about Mum and Dad, but they can't do anything without any proof. Because you're sixteen it's up to you whether you want to stay at home or not. So I spoke to Dumbledore, who is aware of everything. He said he can set up an arrangement for you to stay at Hogwarts all year round."

Regulus felt like he was dreaming. He didn't have to go home? There was another choice? He let out a sigh of relief and smiled.

"I can stay at Hogwarts?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sirius grinned.

"But where will I stay?"

"I dunno," Sirius shrugged. "You'll have to speak to him later when I take you there."

Regulus smiled again. "That's amazing! Thank you, Sirius."

"It's no problem," Sirius replied, shifting a little in his seat.

"Will you stay at Hogwarts with me?" Regulus asked hopefully. "I mean during the holidays."

"Er," Sirius said, shifting again in his seat. "I don't know. I mean, James's family are-"

"Never mind," Regulus said quickly. "I just thought it would be a little lonely, but it's a million times better than going home."

Sirius pursed his lips. "Well, I suppose I could stay during the Summer. People stay during Easter anyway, so you'll have company then."

"Thanks," Regulus replied. "That means a lot."

"It's alright."

The door slammed open, and James Potter entered the room. He grinned at Sirius and sauntered over to the bed.

Regulus had never really spoken to James before. He glanced at Sirius and then back at James cautiously.

"Hey, man," James said, casually sitting down on one of the visitor's chairs. "How're you feeling?"

"Um, I'm okay," Regulus mumbled quietly.

"I have asthma," James said. "It's like a breathing condition. When I was a kid, I was brought to this hospital all the time after having asthma attacks."

"I'm sorry," Regulus replied. "That sounds horrible."

"I can't remember it much," James said. "But I can remember the awful food."

Regulus laughed.

"So, being the wonderful person I am, I decided to go out to Diagon Alley and bring you back some real food. Not the Muggle rubbish, but wizard sweets."

"I'm sure sweets don't really class as real food, mate," Sirius pointed out.

James glared at him. "Chocolate frogs are better than that mushed up goo," he said, pointing at the tray of food on the bedside table.

"Here," James continued, tossing the bag of sweets onto the bed.

"You didn't have to," Regulus said.

"Of course I did," James rolled his eyes. "You're my best mate's little brother."

"Thanks," Regulus said with a small smile, opening the bag and opening a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Bean. "Want some?"

Sirius and James both took one.

James ate his first. His face broke into a grin. "Ha! Got a nice one. It was candyfloss flavour. Beat that."

Sirius shrugged at Regulus and rolled his eyes before eating his one. His expression went instantly from blasé to disgusted in a second. He choked out, "cat food," and grabbed the bottle of water next to him to wash it down.

"How do you know it's cat food?" Regulus asked.

"You don't wanna know," James advised, laughing a little at Sirius's face.

"Reg," Sirius said. "It's your turn."

He ate his jelly bean, and revelled in a nice toffee favoured one. He grinned at Sirius in satisfaction, who groaned.

By the time Regulus was back at Hogwarts that evening, he was thoroughly exhausted. Sirius was standing next to him outside the Great Hall.

"I'm glad you're alright, Reg," Sirius said. "You honestly gave me the fright of my life this week."

Regulus sighed. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Please try not to hurt yourself," Sirius said. "I mean self-harm."

"I'll try," Regulus mumbled. He still felt uncomfortable talking about it. Even to Sirius.

There were a few students around who had stayed at Howgarts during the Christmas holidays. Some of them were looking at Regulus. He wondered if they knew about his overdose. How could they? He felt himself shrink a little into Sirius's side.

Sirius flinched and stepped back. "What're you doing?" he demanded.

Regulus jumped at Sirius's sharp tone. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I just – nothing."

Sirius sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge."

"Why? What's wrong?" Regulus asked.

"It doesn't matter," Sirius said. "Are any of your friends at Hogwarts?"

"No, they're coming back on Monday," Regulus replied. "It's just me."

"Oh," Sirius nodded.

"Sirius? Can I have a word?"

Regulus and Sirius turned to see who had spoken. A Ravenclaw in Sirius's year was headed towards them. He was smiling broadly. Regulus glanced between them in confusion. He'd never seen Sirius and this other boy talking before.

"I'll be a second, Reg," Sirius said, walking off with the Ravenclaw.

Regulus stayed where he was standing, staring curiously at his brother and the other boy. He wondered what they could be talking about. Sirius looked a little confused, and then he looked interested and then he was smiling.

"Loser," someone muttered, shoving Regulus to the side and almost knocking him over. He grabbed the robes of the girl who had bumped into him and furiously pulled her towards him. He recognised her. She was a Hufflepuff in his year. Her name was Jane.

"Excuse me?" he said.

"I heard about your overdose," she smirked. "Attention seeker, much?"

"Where did you hear about that?"

"Uh, everyone knows," she said.

"It's none of your business," Regulus growled, shoving her into the wall angrily. "If you ever say anything to me again, you'll be sorry."

She looked terrified now. She nodded hastily and ran away, glancing back over her shoulder once.

Regulus sighed and leaned against the wall. Sirius was walking back towards him, looked extremely happy.

"What did he want?" Regulus asked.

"To ask me out," Sirius said, laughing.

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Yeah."

"What did you say?" He already knew the answer – Sirius wouldn't be smiling so much if he'd said no.

"I said yes," Sirius replied, smiling again.

"Oh."

"What?" Sirius asked.

"Do you even... like him?"

Sirius shrugged. "He's a guy. He's gay. He likes me."

"That's not really a reason to go out with someone," Regulus said.

"It's as good a reason as any."

"Do you even talk to him? What's his name? Is he pureblood? Half-blood? A mudbl-Muggle-born?"

"You were going to say it," Sirius's eyes narrowed. "I don't know his blood status. I don't give a crap."

"I'm not saying that," Regulus said. "I meant you don't even know the guy."

"His name's Will Parker. He's in some of my classes," Sirius said.

"And you really want to be kissing a stranger?" Regulus asked.

"What's your problem?" Sirius demanded. "You sound like you're trying to be an expert, when you've had all of zero relationships."

"Wow. Harsh," Regulus commented. "I was just saying-"

"-It's my life," Sirius said. "Leave your opinions out of my relationships. Okay?"

"Wow. Harsher."

"It's because I'm gay, isn't it?" Sirius questioned. "You really hate it, but you were just pretending to be okay with it because you didn't want to admit the truth."

"Um, stop putting words into my mouth," Regulus said, annoyed. "I never said that."

"Well, just tell me the truth. Are you okay with me being gay?" Sirius said.

"Yes," Regulus answered. "I always have been. Gosh, why are you being so defensive all of a sudden?"

Sirius sighed. "I gotta go," he said. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to snap."

"It's fine," Regulus said, watching Sirius's back retreating up the stairs towards the Gryffindor Common Room.

Regulus stood anxiously awaiting the next attack from a nasty student. He decided to go down to the Slytherin Common Room. There were only two other people inside.

Severus Snape was one of them. Regulus tried to walk straight past him, but he was cornered.

"I heard what happened," Snape said.

"Okay."

"I heard you started cutting yourself again."

"None of your fucking business," Regulus spat. Why couldn't people keep to themselves?

"Heard you could have died," Snape said. "Is that true?"

"I said it's none of your business."

"Look," Snape said. "I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm just curious."

"Who even told you all of this?" Regulus asked tiredly.

"I heard two Ravenclaws talking about it," Snape shrugged.

"How did they know about it?"

"I think by the sounds of it, Potter mentioned it to Pettigrew, who mentioned it to his girlfriend, who likes to blab things."

"Great."

"Actually, Regulus. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry," Snape said. "About what happened earlier in the year. I don't know why I did what I did."

"It's okay."

"It's not. You've never been rude or nasty to me. You didn't deserve that," Snape said, looking ashamed. "I was just trying to hurt your brother. I am truly sorry."

"Well, Sirius forgave you, so I suppose I can too," Regulus replied, smiling slightly.

"I wouldn't call that forgiving me," Snape muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"That week I spent at St. Mungo's," Snape said. "Your brother's doing. I'm guessing he never told you."

Regulus was confused. How could Sirius have hurt him so badly that he ended up in St. Mungo's?

"What did he do?" he asked.

"I'm sworn to secrecy," Snape said, gritting his teeth. "But a word of warning – don't go anywhere near the Whomping Willow on a full moon."

"Why a full moon?" Regulus asked.

"You're clever, put it together," Snape said, walking off.

Regulus headed up to his dormitory feeling extremely confused. What on Earth had Snape been talking about?

He had gone to St. Mungo's and returned with some ugly scars. Surely Sirius couldn't hurt him that bad.

He tried to think.

Full moon. Whomping Willow.

The Whomping Willow tried to attack anybody who came near it. But why? Maybe it was protecting something. No, probably not. Maybe it was concealing something.

Or maybe it was keeping something locked inside.

Regulus felt himself shiver when the realisation hit him.

There was a werewolf. At Hogwarts.

He shivered again, as the second realisation hit him like a bludger.

The werewolf was Sirius.

He did not sleep that night.


	18. Insane

Sirius was going insane. No, he'd gotten past that point. He was at a point where he was full on crazy and he needed to sort himself out before he ended up at a point of no return. He tossed and turned and tossed and turned in his sleep, until he finally awoke from an unsettling sleep at 4:35am. He was unable to get back to sleep. Thought kept creeping into his head and refused to leave.

In all honestly, Sirius despised sleeping now. After leaving home, he'd been bombarded with nightmares. They'd disappeared now. After his encounter at the hospital with Regulus that left him with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, the only dreams he was having at night were dreams of his younger brother.

And no, they weren't good dreams.

 _Nightmares_ , he'd call them. But he'd always wake up aroused and then humiliated and utterly mortified with himself. Last night had been the official first night back. He'd kept out of the way of his friends mostly, only because he didn't want to ruin Remus's first day back seeing them. He'd been with James almost the whole two weeks so he thought it only fair to give Remus some time with him.

At this early hour, Sirius sat up in his bed, forehead sticky from sweat. He squinted through the dark at the sleeping forms of his friends. James and Peter were fast asleep, James snoring rather loudly. He squinted at Remus's bed and noticed that Remus's silhouette wasn't lying down like the others, but he was sitting up in his bed.

With horror, Sirius wondered whether he'd moaned Regulus's name in his sleep, and if it had woken Remus up. He felt his face reddening and put the thought right out of his head. He buried it deep down where he buried all the disgusting thoughts he'd been having recently.

"I know you're awake," Remus whispered, just loud enough for Sirius to hear him.

Sirius wasn't sure what to say. He and Remus had barely spoken since the incident with Snape.

"Yeah," he said lamely. An awkward silence followed, and then Sirius heard a bed creak and then suddenly Remus was sitting on Sirius's bed. Sirius could see him more clearly now. He looked extremely tired.

"Is it almost Full Moon?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah. Three days," Remus mumbled. "I... wanted to thank you for the present. It was thoughtful of you."

"Er... it's okay," Sirius said quietly, hoping more than ever that Remus would forgive him.

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

"It's nothing," Sirius said.

"You're blushing. Yes, I know it's dark but I have werewolf senses, remember? It's a guy."

"Are we like, friends again?" Sirius asked, confused.

Remus sighed. "I'm trying."

Sirius grinned from ear to ear. "Really?"

He heard Remus laugh a little. "Yeah, you're difficult to stay mad at."

"I am really sorry about what I did," Sirius said.

He saw Remus nod. "So it's about a guy," he stated.

Sirius shifted awkwardly. "Perhaps."

"Who?"

"I can't tell you," Sirius said. "It's not something I can just  _tell_."

Remus raised his eyebrows, and then glanced at James's bed.

"It's not about  _James_  , is it?" he whispered.

"Ewww, no," Sirius said quickly. "I won't tell you, so don't bother guessing."

"What's the problem? Is he gay? Is he already with someone?"

 _Well, he's kinda my little brother who I have no clue whether or not is gay – probably not. Actually he's never shown any attraction to anybody so I have NO chance because – wait, WHAT? Why am I even considering the idea that I even_ want _a chance with him? That's disgusting. EW. LA LA LA._

"Earth to Sirius," Remus said, smiling a little.

"It doesn't matter," Sirius said. "I have a boyfriend now anyway."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Will, in Ravenclaw."

Remus smiled. "That's good. I hope it goes well."

"Hm, we'll see," Sirius replied. "Why couldn't  _you_  sleep?"

He saw Remus glance back at James before speaking. "It's Lily," he whispered.

"What about her?"

"She asked me out."

"And you said-"

"-No, of course," Remus replied, looking miserably down at his hands. "I couldn't do that to James. And now all three of us are miserable."

"I'm not miserable," Sirius pouted.

"Not you," Remus rolled his eyes. "I mean Lily, James and I. It's the worst situation."

_Probably not much worse than fancying your brother._

"I'm sorry, man," Sirius said sympathetically.

"So I'm finding it difficult to sleep. I can't stop hating myself for blowing my chance."

"You haven't blown it," Sirius said. "I'm sure she's still mad for you."

"Mad  _at_  me," Remus muttered. "She won't even talk to me."

"Oh."

"I told her it's because James is my best friend, and she went mental saying James has no say in the matter, but he  _is_  my friend, and I just couldn't."

"I understand," Sirius said, smiling sadly. "You did the right thing. Even though it hurts."

"Thanks, Sirius," Remus said.

"For what?"

"Letting me talk about it," he replied, standing up and heading back to his own bed. "And you know, if you ever want to talk about the guy you're crushing on, then I'm here."

Sirius blushed furiously and shook his head. "There's no guy."

"Mmmhmm," Remus nodded. "Tell that to your man parts."

Sirius blushed, if possible, redder and covered himself up. "You pervert!"

Remus laughed and drew his curtains. Sirius drew his own curtains and sighed. He was indeed aroused again.

He closed his eyes and tried to get back to sleep, but the thoughts decided to come back.

Without thinking of the consequences, Sirius moaned and slid his hand beneath his boxers and let himself indulge in the thoughts.

* * *

It was lunch time, and Sirius was happier than ever that their group was back to normal. Remus was acting as though there had never been a fight. He was so very grateful to him. He knew he didn't deserve the forgiveness. He also knew he couldn't screw up again.

James was staring very obviously down the table at Lily, who was talking to her friends about the transfiguration homework. She happened to glance over, and then her previously cheerful face turned into one of disgust at James's wink.

Sirius glanced at James, who only looked slightly wounded. He then glanced at Remus, who was busy looking down at his food as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

He felt a little pity for both of his friends. Lily Evans wasn't worth it.

"Mary wants to meet up later," Peter said, breaking them all out of the silent tension.

"About what?" James asked, mildly interested.

"I don't know. She's been acting weird."

"Good luck, mate," James said, patting him on the shoulder.

Sirius found his eyes wandering to the Slytherin table and scanning the students. He couldn't see Regulus there.

He became aware that Remus was watching him intently. Probably trying to work out who he was 'crushing' on. Sirius aimed a hard kick at Remus under the table.

"Oops, sorry Remus. My foot slipped," Sirius smiled sweetly.

"Sure," Remus replied, looking suspiciously from Sirius to the Slytherin table.

"What's going on?" James asked, sensing the hidden messages.

"Nothing," Remus and Sirius said in unison.

James's eyes narrowed. "You two aren't dating now are you?" he asked.

"Gross!" Remus said, looking horrified.

"Thanks, man," Sirius said. "I feel so full of self-esteem after that. I'm dating Will anyway."

"Oh yeah."

Sirius caught a glimpse of Regulus standing in the doorway to the great hall. Regulus gestured for him to come over. Sirius tried not to blush as he stood up.

"I... have to go," he said hurriedly, rushing over to Regulus.

They headed outside into the cold, without a word being spoken. Sirius suddenly remembered what he'd done in the night, and a wave of shame washed over him. He'd actually done  _that_  to thoughts of  _Regulus_.

He wondered what Regulus wanted to talk to him about.

They stopped a couple of metres from the castle doors. Regulus frowned at Sirius and then folded his arms.

"I have to... to talk to you about... something," Regulus said.

"Go ahead," Sirius replied. Regulus's eyes looked brighter than normal. They looked nicer. More... mesmerising.

 _No, Sirius_ , he scolded himself.

Regulus shifted and closed his eyes, and then opened them again. "I don't know how to ask this."

_Shit, he knows. Shit, shit, shit. He knows I'm a creep and a pervert and that I deserve to rot in hell for everything I've been thinking. CRAP._

"You know," Sirius whispered, feeling the blood drain from his face.

Regulus nodded solemnly, looking wary. He hesitantly took a step back. "I don't understand it."

"Neither do I, Reg," Sirius said. "Please, please don't hate me. Please forgive me. I know I'm disgusting and gross and you probably never want to speak to me again."

"I could never hate you," Regulus replied. "You're an amazing person. How long have you been – you know?"

"Only a little while," Sirius mumbled, looking down at his feet.

"How did it happen?" Regulus asked. "I mean, are you dangerous? I never would have suspected you. You hide it so well."

"Wait, what are you talking about? Dangerous?" Sirius felt a little confused. He wasn't going to rape him or anything, if that was what he thought.

"You know," Regulus said. "I heard you attacked Snape."

"That wasn't  _me_ ," Sirius said quickly. "That has nothing to do with it anyway."

"How does Snape getting attacked by a werewolf have nothing to do with you being a werewolf?" Regulus asked.

Sirius stood in stunned silence for a moment, and then he couldn't help himself. He let out a loud laugh and shook his head, tears rolling from his eyes.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, you have it all wrong, Reg!" Sirius laughed. "I'm not a bloody werewolf."

"You're not?"

"No, of course not you idiot," Sirius said.

"So someone else is?" Regulus asked, looking wary again. "Are they dangerous?"

"No, not at all – I  _mean_ , there's no werewolf," Sirius said quickly angry for letting it slip.

"Who is it?" Regulus asked. "Look, I'm trying to be open-minded here. It took me days before I came to terms with you maybe being one. You know how much Mum and Dad taught us about werewolves. You must understand why I'm wary."

"I understand," Sirius said. "Yes, there's a werewolf. I was also wary at first but they're not dangerous. The only reason Snape was attacked was because I was angry at him and I let it slip where the werewolf was. It was my fault."

"Oh," Regulus said, nodding. He smiled. "That's a relief. I was so afraid you were one."

Sirius knew that Regulus was smart. He was a little anxious of Regulus figuring out who the real werewolf was, because then Remus really  _would_  hate him forever.

"Look, the person who is one – they're, er, very close to me. Please, if you ever figure out who it is, don't mention it to anyone," Sirius said.

"Of course," Regulus replied. They stood for a moment before Regulus spoke again. "Wait, you thought I knew about something else?"

_CRAP CRAP CRAP NO._

"No," Sirius said innocently.

"Liar," Regulus teased. "You have a secret."

_Yeah, a secret crush on you._

"Nope," Sirius said.

"Can't stop lying, can you?" Regulus raised his eyebrows. "How are things with the guy?"

"Not too bad," Sirius said.

"You haven't seen him since, have you?" Regulus guessed.

"Nope."

"Told you so," Regulus grinned proudly. "It was a bad idea."

_Is he trying to make me go crazy or something? That smile could literally kill someone! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? No, stop thinking about him. Think about Will. He's your boyfriend. And he's hot._

_Kinda..._

When Sirius thought of 'hot', all roads led back to Regulus and he felt a little unnerved at that. It wasn't a healthy thought to be having.

"I have to go, Reg," Sirius said quietly.

"Alright," Regulus replied.

"You haven't been hurting yourself again, have you?" Sirius asked.

"No," Regulus mumbled. "It's difficult, but I've done well so far."

Sirius smiled warmly at him. "That's good. I'm proud."

"Thanks," Regulus smiled back.

Before Sirius knew what was happening, they were hugging, and Sirius let himself indulge in his brother's warmth and oh-so-perfect scent. He leaned into the hug and wrapped his arms tighter around him.

He could feel himself getting aroused at the closeness, so he pulled back quickly and tried not to look at Regulus.

"Well, see you around," he muttered embarrassedly, and started heading up towards the castle again.

He didn't glance back.

* * *

When Peter returned in the evening looking distraught, his friends knew instantly what Mary had wanted to talk about.

Remus had run up to him straight away and handed him a chocolate bar.

James had run up to give him a hug.

Sirius had been the one to speak. "You deserve better, mate," he said. "She's a bitch."

Peter nodded, mouth half full of chocolate. "A stupid bitch," he agreed.

"What'd she do?" James asked.

"She was with me as a 'back-up' apparently," Peter mumbled, looking heart-broken. "She said she's been in love with the muggle guy down her street for years and he finally asked her out."

"That's disgusting," Remus said, looking sympathetic. "So she was only with you till  _he_  started noticing her?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"And you  _did_  it with her, too," James said, making a face. "Bitch stole your virginity."

Remus cast him an annoyed glance.

"I stole hers too," Peter shrugged. "It was a fair trade."

"I'm sorry," James said. "We'll get you another girl soon enough." He glanced at Remus. "You too."

"I don't need you to 'get me a girl'," Remus said.

Sirius didn't want to hear the rest of the conversation. He dreaded the day that James would find out about Remus and Lily. He didn't want to be the one in the middle who knew all about it but never told.

He muttered a quick "I'm tired, g'night," and disappeared behind his curtains.

He stared up at the ceiling and sighed. The hatred he felt for Mary for using Peter only made him feel worse. He was using Will to stop himself having thoughts about Regulus.

He decided that he would officially try harder to like Will.

He wanted it to work.

Why? Because he desperately didn't want to go insane. And he was definitely headed that way.


	19. Packages

The days went by quickly, and the days soon turned into weeks, and soon enough it was mid-February. Regulus could honestly say he was doing good. The feelings that came from being free from his family were refreshing. It was like he was seeing life in a new light. Everything was slightly less scary and more exciting.

He was focusing now on his schoolwork. He wanted to do well, no matter what anybody thought. So, he may be acting like a 'nerd' but he couldn't care less. There were far more important things in life than what people thought of him.

He hadn't cut himself since the Christmas holidays, which he was proud of himself for. He'd had urges, sure, but had never given in. He felt strong.

He was sitting in the Slytherin common room one morning reading his Charms textbook to refresh his mind before the lesson. They were having a mock exam today. He seemed to be the only Slytherin revising.

He was broken out of his concentration by a slap on the back. Regulus jumped and turned around.

"Hey! How's our little nerd doing today?" Barty asked, sliding into the chair next to him and slouching back with a grin.

"I'm not little," Regulus commented.

"You kinda are," Scabior replied, taking the other seat. "Out of the three of us, you're smallest."

"So? Maybe you guys are just freakishly large. Ever thought about that?"

"Hmm, what do you think, Scab? Is there more of a chance that the _two_ of us are freakishly large, and Reg is normal size, or the opposite?" Barty asked playfully.

"I think it's the other way," Scabior agreed.

"Oh, shut up," Regulus rolled his eyes. "The best things come in small packages."

Barty sniggered and elbowed Scabior. "He said 'package'."

Scabior rolled his eyes. "How childish are you? Bet he has a small package."

Regulus blushed and snapped his book shut. "Excuse me? I _am_ still here you know?!"

"You heard," Scabior said, trying to keep a straight face. "You're small – It only makes sense."

"Not that either of you need to know," Regulus replied quickly. "But I have a bigger… er… one of those than you may think."

Both boys almost keeled over with laughter, their faces reddening.

Regulus stood up, whacking them both over the heads with his book. "We have to get to class you idiots, come on."

As they headed through the castle towards their classroom, the laughing slowly faded away and Regulus was glad.

"So, it's Valentine's Day this weekend," Scabior said. "I haven't got a clue what I'm getting for Lisa."

"Get her a personality," Regulus muttered. They all fell about in laughter again. Barty and Scabior had just got girlfriends at the beginning of term. Scabior was dating Lisa Parkinson, who was the very definition of 'snob'. He'd told them that he was only with her to 'get lucky'. Regulus disapproved of this.

Barty was dating Helena Greengrass, who was slightly more likable. She was undeniably the prettiest Slytherin girl in their year, but her constant lectures on blood purity made Regulus take in instant dislike to her. She reminded him too much of his family.

"I've already gotten Helena's gift," Barty said. "Can't go wrong with a box of heart-shaped chocolates."

"Lisa doesn't eat chocolate," Scabior said.

"What kind of lunatic doesn't eat chocolate?" Regulus asked. "Told you she wasn't a good fit."

"Look, my gift can be my manly charms," Scabior said, puffing out his chest in an attempt to prove his 'manly charms'.

"You do know it's not right to use her like that, right?" Regulus questioned. "You're going to sleep with her and then never speak to her again?"

"Why not?" Scabior asked, pouting. "It'll be fun."

"You're wrong."

"Yeah, he could've picked a better girl, at least," Barty agreed. "Speaking of which – Regulus. What _are_ you doing?"

"What do you mean?" Regulus asked, flattening his hair down self-consciously.

"We mean, where's _your_ girl?" Scabior asked.

"I don't have a girl."

"That's our point, mate," Scabior said. "You need one."

"I don't need a girl," Regulus rolled his eyes. "I'm not interested in a relationship."

"You're a guy. Of course you're interested."

"Maybe I'm just waiting for the right person to come along," Regulus pointed out.

"Maybe that's a dumb idea," Barty replied. "You need to get the whole dating experience, you know? You're a catch. I'm sure any girl would date you."

"Can we just, not have this conversation?" Regulus sighed, blushing slightly. "I said I'm not interested, and we're going to be late if we don't hurry."

He walked faster ahead and glanced back to see his friends shrugging at each other.

* * *

It was lunch time and Regulus was sitting at the table, casually chewing away at his chicken and glaring at the Gryffindor table. He hated Sirius's boyfriend. He wasn't even sure why, but it was something deep inside that he couldn't explain.

The idiotic grin on his face made Regulus want to vomit. He watched as Sirius fed Will a spoonful of something, and shook his head. Why was Sirius so… open? And why was he feeding the fool like he was a baby?

Will was practically sitting on Sirius's lap. Regulus growled. Where was his brother's dignity?

"What was _that_?" Barty asked, glancing at Regulus from across the table with an expression that was both alarmed and amused.

"That was me," Regulus said simply.

"Well duh. You _growled_."

"Yup."

"Why?" Scabior asked.

"My brother's making a fool of himself with that guy," Regulus muttered. Scabior and Barty turned to watch Sirius and Will, and then Scabior turned back to Regulus with a snort.

"Stupid fags," he said. "Just ignore them."

"That's rude," Regulus said. "He's my brother and I love him. Don't say things like that."

" _Why_?" Scabior asked. "Look at him. He's awful."

Regulus was angry. "How dare you?"

"I'm sorry, Reg. It's the truth."

"Fuck you," Regulus spat, standing up. He was about to storm off when an owl appeared in front of him with a letter attached to its foot. He frowned. Who could be sending _him_ a letter?

He took the letter and he felt like his heart stopped when he saw the Black family crest on the envelope.

He couldn't open it.

Clutching the letter tight in his hands, he headed to the Gryffindor table and stopped behind Sirius. Sirius turned and glanced up at him for a second, and then planted a kiss on Will's cheek.

"I'll be back soon, sexy," Sirius winked at him.

Regulus tried not to let his disgust show, as he waited for Sirius.

"What is it?" Sirius asked as he reached Regulus. Regulus handed him the letter.

"I'm scared to open it."

"Do you want me to?" Sirius asked softly.

Regulus nodded, feeling the dread in his chest. He watched in silence as Sirius flicked his finger under the seal and opened the envelope.

"Shall I read it to you?"

"Yes," Regulus breathed nervously.

" _Dear Regulus,_

 _It is your Mother. I cannot express to you the pain I feel at losing you. Maybe I was a little too hard on you, which is understandable due to your brother's disgusting ways –_ hey, that's rude!"

"Carry on," Regulus said quietly.

" _I apologise if I made you feel unsafe or unwanted in your own home. You must know that your Father and I love you, and we know that you will produce a worthy heir and carry on the blood-line to our satisfaction._

_It was unfair of us to try and force you into marriage. We have been too strict – we didn't want you to end up like your brother. If you come home to us, we will allow you to finish school before we find you a suitable wife._

_We are also very sorry that we were not there for you in the hospital. I cannot imagine the horrors you went through. If I'd known that St Mungo's would send you to that Muggle place, I'd have been there straight away to take you home._

_Please consider coming home to us. We're your family, and blood is everything._

_I look forward to hearing back from you,_

_Mother."_

Regulus sighed and shook his head.

"Do you want the letter back?" Sirius asked.

"No," Regulus said quickly. "Get rid of it."

"Well at least it wasn't a Howler," Sirius said.

Regulus smiled a little. "Yeah, I guess. Thanks."

"You're welcome," Sirius said. "I'll burn it tonight. How've you been?"

"Okay," Regulus replied.

"Just okay?"

"My friends are trying to get me a girlfriend," Regulus said, rolling his eyes.

Sirius's expression was unreadable. He made a small sound and closed his eyes. "They can't force you," he said.

"They're not. I said to leave it."

"Good," Sirius nodded. "I mean,er – if that's what you want."

"Yeah, still waiting for the right person," Regulus said.

"Me too," Sirius mumbled.

"You're with someone, Sirius," Regulus said.

"Yeah, but he's not the one."

Regulus snorted. "Then why were you so cosy with him?"

Sirius's expression was unreadable again. "He's my boyfriend, of course I'm going to be cosy with him."

"So publically, too," Regulus muttered, unable to help himself.

"And?"

"It's embarrassing," Regulus replied. "And it makes me uncomfortable."

"Why? Because I'm gay?" Sirius asked.

"No. People shouldn't _do_ that in public. Get a room, you know?"

"Hmm."

"And he's not good for you either," Regulus carried on. "I mean, have you not seen him? He doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone who's as brave as you, and as cheerful as you and as wonderful as you."

Sirius beamed at him.

"Don't go and get all big-headed now," Regulus said quickly, smiling.

Sirius's face reddened and he cleared his throat. "Thanks, Reg. But he's cool. I like him."

"Yeah, well I don't," Regulus muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing," Regulus said, faking a grin. "Anyway, I should go. I have Transfiguration and you know what Professor McGonagall's like when you're late."

"Huh, okay," Sirius said. "You playing this afternoon?"

"Yeah," Regulus replied.

"Bring it on," Sirius grinned. "We'll beat you."

"In your dreams, Sirius."

"You don't even wanna know my dreams," Sirius said quickly.

Regulus raised his eyebrows and smiled. "Tell me some time. Don't give me that look, you've made your dreams intriguing now. See ya," he said, heading off to Transfiguration.

* * *

It was 5:30 pm, and the Quidditch match was going well so far. Slytherin were winning 80-60 against Gryffindor.

The wind was freezing against Regulus's hands as he clutched onto his broomstick. He hovered around, keeping his eyes peeled for the snitch. The movement was keeping him a little bit warmer than if he had been staying still.

He watched James Potter try to score, but he was blocked by the Slytherin Keeper, Wilkes. Regulus glanced into the audience to find Sirius.

Sirius was watching him, with a curious expression on his face. Regulus grinned at him and he saw Sirius grin back almost instantly. He started flying down in search of the snitch.

When he looked up, Sirius was still watching him and Regulus shook his head. He flew up towards the Gryffindor stands and hovered next to Sirius.

"HEY!" Sirius shouted to him with a smile.

"You can't stop staring, Sirius. I know you think Seekers are sexy and all, but I'm your _brother_ ," Regulus teased.

He watched Sirius turned redder than the massive Gryffindor banner above him and start spluttering about something that Regulus couldn't quite make out.

"I didn't quite catch that," Regulus said, cupping his ear.

Sirius cleared his throat. His face was still bright red. "I shouldn't really be telling you this, but the snitch is right behind you."

Regulus swerved round quicker than ever and caught a glimpse of gold. He raced after it without a glance back.

He was inches away – he stretched his hand out in front of him and before he could do anything he caught sight of a bludger on his right.

It collided hard with his side, knocking him off of his broom.

The pain shot through him like nothing he'd ever felt in his life and he was falling fast.

With a thump, he collided with the ground and the whole word disappeared.


	20. Secrets

Sirius had never ran so fast in his life. The moment Regulus had been hit by the Bludger, Sirius was out of his seat like a bullet and halfway down to the Quidditch pitch. His lungs ached by the time he reached were Regulus was lying, surrounded by professors.

Sirius swallowed hard when he saw that Regulus was unresponsive. His heart thumped hard in his chest.

"Is he… okay?" Sirius managed to croak. Professor Dumbledore turned around at his voice and smiled a little at Sirius.

"He'll be okay. He's going to the hospital wing. Mr Black, people get hit by Bludgers all the time."

"I know, but-"

"-Then there's no reason to worry," Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling.

Sirius watched as they magically raised Regulus into the air and began moving him off the pitch. He hurried to follow them, trying to get as close to Regulus as possible. When they reached the hospital wing, the door was slammed in Sirius's face and he was told to wait.

He waited for what seemed like forever for the doors to open again. He paced back and forth, trying to think of anything else to take his mind off of what happened. He wondered if that meant Gryffindor won?

He didn't really care.

Finally, the doors opened and he rushed in.

"Only for a while, he needs his rest," Madame Pomfrey said sternly to Sirius. Sirius nodded quickly and took a seat next to Regulus, who looked annoyed.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.

"I seem to always be in hospital," Regulus complained.

"Not as much as… never mind," Sirius said. He'd almost mentioned Remus's name and he was so glad he'd stopped himself, considering Regulus knew that there was a werewolf at Hogwarts.

"Your werewolf friend," Regulus finished.

Sirius tried to change the subject. "How are you feeling?"

"I shattered all of the ribs in my right side," Regulus said. "So I'm feeling wonderfully cheerful."

"Is that sarcasm I sense?" Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"No, of course not, Sirius. Did we lose?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. "I've been waiting outside the room."

"Damn it. I messed up, didn't I? Slytherin will never win now," Regulus groaned.

Sirius smiled. He loved to see Regulus caring about Quidditch again – it was like he was almost back to normal.

"Tell me your dreams," Regulus said.

Sirius was confused for a moment and then he remembered their conversation earlier that day and he wished he'd kept his mouth shut.

"Ha, nah you're alright," he said quickly, trying not to think of the dream he'd had last night about Regulus.

"Oh, come on," Regulus said with a smirk. "Can't be that bad."

"Okay. No laughing."

"Sure."

"I've been having… you know, er…  _dreams_  about…. you know…"

"Sex dreams," Regulus said.

Sirius blushed at the thought of Regulus knowing he was having sex dreams.

"You're blushing," Regulus commented.

"Yeah, sex dreams. About someone I shouldn't be having them about."

"When you say you've been  _having_ them," Regulus said.

"-Every night," Sirius finished, feeling like his cheeks were on fire.

"That's not that bad really," Regulus said.

" _WHAT_! It's awful!" Sirius spluttered.

It was Regulus's turn to blush. "I just mean… you know… I wouldn't mind having one once in a while…"

Sirius could feel himself getting turned on at the thought of Regulus having a sex dream about him. He bit his lip and tried to clear his head. He couldn't be having these thoughts. Not after he'd tried so hard to get rid of them.

He had a boyfriend.

The way Regulus's cheeks were tinted with pink made him look so…

Sirius wanted to kiss him. Again. Just like at the muggle hospital. This time it wasn't just a thought. Sirius  _wanted_  it, and desperately.

All he had to do was just close the gap between them. It would be so simple.

"Sirius?" Regulus said, breaking Sirius out of his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"You were looking at me weird," Regulus said.

 _Because I want you so bad but I can never have you_ , Sirius thought.  _Crap, I've admitted it. I love him. I love him. Jeez, I'm a freak. How can this be happening? I'm actually in love with him._

"Sirius?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong?" Regulus asked, looking concerned.

"I have to go," Sirius said. "I need to do something."

"Wait, Sirius," Regulus said quickly. "Are you alright? You seem really… vague."

"I need to break up with Will," Sirius replied.

Regulus's expression was confused, but Sirius saw the traces of a small smile there. The hopeful parts of Sirius's mind believed that Regulus didn't like Will because he was jealous.

He doubted it could be true though.

"Why?"

"Because I told you before – I don't love him," Sirius said.

"Good," Regulus said. "I'm glad. You shouldn't just use people like that."

 _What you're really trying to say is that you're glad I'm breaking up with my boyfriend because you hate seeing us kissing in public because you want it to be_ you _that I'm kissing_ ¸ Sirius thought hopefully again.

"You love someone else," Regulus said. "The person you're dreaming about."

 _Damn, you're good._ "Yeah, kinda. I guess."

"Who is it?" Regulus asked.

_YOU. YOU DAMMIT! YOU'RE GOOD AT FIGURING THINGS OUT. FIGURE IT OUT._

Sirius's heart was pounding. He was torn. He wanted Regulus to know because he  _needed_ to know that Regulus loved him back. On the other hand, he was terrified of him finding out in case he hated Sirius afterwards.

"Figure it out," Sirius said quietly, hoping that his words weren't too revealing.

"So it's going to be like that then?" Regulus smiled. "You know I'm good at figuring things out, right?"

"Yep," Sirius said.

"Like I know Remus Lupin is your werewolf friend," Regulus said casually.

Sirius was ready to blurt out a million lies, but Regulus spoke again.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anybody. I'm just saying, secrets don't stay secrets with me," Regulus said, looking proud.

Sirius was suddenly very scared. But surely Regulus wouldn't even consider that it could be him that Sirius loved. It was too strange.

"You look worried," Regulus said. "Is it really that bad?"

Sirius just nodded, and stood up. "I gotta go."

"Bye," Regulus said with a small smile. "Thanks for coming to see me."

"It's alright," Sirius smiled back.

* * *

"Hey, Sirius," Will said, as they sat down together in the library.

"Hey," Sirius replied, feeling a little awkward. He wasn't sure how to break up with someone. He'd never done it before.

"What's up? Is this about Valentine's Day? I don't know what to get for you either," Will said quickly.

"It's not about that, it's just…"

Sirius closed his eyes.

"I think we should break up."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Sirius said. "I'm sorry."

He opened his eyes to see Will glaring at him from across the table.

" _Why_?" he demanded, looking stung.

"I love someone else."

"Wow," Will said, laughing. "Woooow."

"Sorry," Sirius said again, awkwardly.

"Well, I love someone else too, actually," Will said. "Only dated you to get close to him and now he hangs out with me all the time, so thanks."

"What? Who?"

"Remus," Will said.

Sirius laughed. "He's straight."

"Well, I'm sure it hurts you that I used you," Will said.

"So much," Sirius lied. "Can we… er… be friends?"

"No."

"Okay," Sirius nodded, standing up. "Goodbye."

"Okay," Will replied, looking away.

Sirius headed out of the library feeling a wave of relief wash through him.

* * *

It was the night before Valentine's Day, and Sirius was sitting at a desk in the corner of the Gryffindor common room. He had this urge to send a card to Regulus, but he knew he shouldn't.

His hand wasn't listening to his brain. He picked up his quill and folded the parchment in front of him.

He doodled a little picture on the front with hearts and flowers and random other Valentinesy things. After he'd drawn his picture, he opened the hand-made card and started writing.

'Regulus,

You might not know this, but you are loved. There is someone out there (me) who is thinking about you constantly and wishing I could be with you.

I love you more than you could imagine.

Have a great Valentine's Day.

Love, your secret admirer

Xxxx'

He made his handwriting different than usual and prayed that Regulus wouldn't work it out. He knew it was risky, but he wanted Regulus to know that he was loved.

He wanted Regulus to smile.

He would head down to the owlery to send the card. He stood up and then hastily hid the card when he saw his friends heading to his table.

He sat back down and acted normal.

"Hey guys," he said.

"Hey," Remus replied.

"Guys," James said. "I have a plan."

"What's the plan?" Peter asked.

"I'm spiking Lily's drink with love potion tomorrow," James grinned.

"That's wrong," Remus said.

"What's so wrong about it?"

"You can't just  _force_ someone like that," Remus gritted his teeth. "Don't do it."

"I'm sorry, Remus, but don't you  _want_  me to get with the love of my life?" James asked, looking annoyed.

Sirius watched Remus and frowned. It wasn't fair.

"Of course he does," Sirius cut in. "But he's right."

"Well, I don't care," James said. "I'm doing it anyway."

Remus stood up and walked away. Sirius hurried to follow him. He grabbed his arm and turned him round to face him.

"I can't listen to that anymore."

"I know," Sirius said.

"You don't know, Sirius," Remus said, dropping down on the sofa hopelessly. "You can't know. It's the worst feeling loving somebody you can't have."

"Trust me, I know," Sirius replied, sitting down next to him.

"How could you possibly know?"

"I love someone I can't have."

"That guy we talked about before," Remus said, catching on. "You love him."

"Yeah," Sirius said sadly.

"Who is he?" Remus asked.

"I can't-"

"-Yes you can. You can trust me, okay?"

Sirius wanted to tell him. He wanted to. He  _needed_  to. But what if he reacted badly?

"It's not… normal," Sirius whispered, conscious of every person around them.

"I'm very open-minded," Remus smiled a little. "Please, I need to get my mind off of Lily."

"I haven't ever told anyone," Sirius said. "I'm scared you'll think I'm a freak."

"You are a freak," Remus said rolling his eyes. "That much I knew already."

"Shut up," Sirius muttered, his lips quirking up bit at the sides. "I'm serious."

"Hey Sirius, I'm Remus. Now tell me."

"You're bloody annoying, you know," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I know," Remus grinned. "Honestly Sirius, just tell me. I promise you I won't think any different of you. I  _promise_."

Sirius gave in. "I'm in love with… um…" Sirius had never felt so awkward in his life. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt and cleared his throat. "Um, my brother," he finished, refusing to look at Remus.

"Sirius, look at me," Remus said.

"No."

"Come on."

"I can't. I'm too scared," Sirius said. Before he could do anything, Remus shifted and was kneeling on the floor in front of Sirius.

Sirius couldn't help himself. He smirked a little. "Are you going to propose to me?"

"Duh," Remus said. "It's okay, Sirius. I'm here for you."

That was all that Sirius really needed to hear. He smiled a little and let out a sigh of relief. Remus took his seat beside Sirius again.

"Thank you," Sirius said quietly.

"You aren't a freak," Remus said. "You can't help who you love."

"Yeah."

"Does he know?" Remus asked.

"No," Sirius said, laughing. "Thank Merlin."

"That's why you were with Will?" Remus guessed. "To stop thinking about him?"

"Can you blame me?" Sirius said. "I hated myself."

"So why did you break up with him? Was it just not working?"

"Pretty much," Sirius said. "And Regulus knows that I love someone and he's  _really_  good at figuring things out." Sirius was getting panicky. "CRAP WHAT IF HE FINDS OUT?"

"Calm down," Remus said quickly. "I doubt he'll find out."

"What if he  _does_?"

"Then you'll deal with it when it happens. There's no point in worrying about something that might never happen."

"You're right," Sirius said. "You're right. I knew I could count on you."

"You can talk to me whenever you need," Remus smiled.

"Thanks," Sirius said. "And that goes for you too. I'm going to the owlery now to deliever my Valentine's card."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Bad idea."

"Pfft."

"Just saying," Remus said. "If he's as good at figuring things out as you say, bad  _bad_  idea."

"It's just a card."

"Okay, don't listen to my advice you silly mutt."

"Shut up, wolfboy," Sirius grinned, standing up and heading for the owlery. He was determined to see Regulus smile tomorrow.


	21. Fake Dates

"GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY WAKE UP!"

Sirius groaned and rolled over in his bed, trying to block out the sounds.

"WAKEY WAKEY! IT'S MORNING!"

Sirius pulled the duvet up over his head and tightened it around his ears. His bed was so warm and it was too early. He didn't want to get up. He heard the curtains open and then the covers were wrenched out of his hands on onto the floor.

"WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!"

Sirius opened his eyes and glared up at James, who was unusually chipper for the morning.

"I'm awake," Sirius said.

"THEN GET  _UP_!"

Sirius folded his arms and didn't move. Without warning, he felt hands on his arm and next minute he was on the floor with his duvet.

"That was rude," Sirius said, standing up and throwing his duvet back on his bed. He glanced around the room and noticed Remus and Peter were also awake and also looking annoyed.

"Why are you all so down? It's Valentine's Day!"

"What are you, Prongs? A five-year-old girl?" Sirius said, dodging out of the way of an incoming punch from James.

"I'm a man who's about to get lucky," James grinned.

"It's funny how he thinks he's a man," Peter murmured. "He's the only one of us that hasn't grown any facial hair yet."

"HEY!" James pouted. "At least when I get my facial hair, it won't be blond, Wormy."

Peter self-consciously covered up the little blond tuft of hair that was growing from his chin. Remus sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"What're you doing, Remus? It's Valentine's Day – get  _up_  and help me get my Lily-kins!"

"James, can I have a word?" Remus said. "Alone?"

"Er, sure," James said, glancing at Sirius in confusion. Sirius tried to make eye contact with Remus to tell him 'NO' but Remus wasn't looking at him. James and Remus headed into the bathroom and closed the door.

"Wonder what that's about?" Peter asked.

"I hope it's not what I think," Sirius said. "Otherwise… well that could end badly."

"You got any plans for today?" Peter asked, fishing in his bedside table for a bar of chocolate.

"Not really, how about you?"

"I'm going to ask Shannon Bowler out, from Hufflepuff," Peter said proudly, grinning with chocolatey teeth.

"Ew," Sirius said.

"I know, sorry. I'll brush my teeth after," Peter said quickly.

"I meant…ew," Sirius said. "About Bowler. You  _are_  talking about spotty snotty Shannon aren't you?"

"Yes," Peter said. "I mean, that's unfair. She's spotty, but so am I. She isn't snotty, she just has a bad immune system so she sneezes a lot."

"Hm, if you say so," Sirius said, conscious not to be judgemental over who Peter fancied – after all he himself fancied his own brother. He wasn't in a place to judge others.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL  _FUCK_ , REMUS!"

Sirius and Peter both jumped at the muffled-but-still-loud outburst from the bathroom.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

"YOU  _KNOW_  HOW MUCH I LOVE HER!"

"WELL MAYBE I LOVE HER TOO!"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"WHAT'S NOT  _FAIR_  IS YOU THINKING YOU OWN HER. SHE LIKES ME AND I ONLY SAID NO TO HER BECAUSE YOU ARE MY MATE!"

There was silence, as Sirius and Peter stood frozen – Peter with his chocolate bar inches from his half-open mouth.

The door opened, and James stormed out with a face like thunder. He turned around to face Remus.

"Not anymore. Go fuck yourself," he spat, and walked out of the dormitory, slamming the door shut behind him.

Remus walked out of the bathroom a minute after, looking shaken. He had his fists balled up at his side and Sirius had never seen him look so angry in his life. This was  _Remus_  – he didn't get angry.

"What a twat," Sirius said, trying to break the tension. "He was in the wrong, Remus."

"Yeah," Peter said, holding out his half-eaten chocolate bar for Remus. "I don't really get what happened but I'm with Sirius. You did nothing wrong."

"Thanks," Remus muttered, grabbing the chocolate bar and biting into it without a second thought. "I mean, how selfish can he be?"

"I think he's just mad and doesn't know what to do about it," Sirius said. "I'm sure he'll calm down and apologise."

"He better, because  _I'm_ not apologising," Remus said quickly.

"That's understandable," Sirius replied. "Shall we go down?"

"You guys go," Remus said. "I have work to catch up on anyway."

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked.

"I'll leave you some chocolate," Peter said, taking a couple of bars out of his chest of drawers and handing them to Remus.

Remus smiled a little and nodded. "I'll be fine, thank you."

Sirius smiled back and headed to the bathroom to get dressed.

* * *

The Great Hall was filled with chatter and excitement. Sirius took his usual place next to James. James grunted and continued waffling his food down his throat.

Peter glanced at Sirius, who lightly nudged James.

"Huh?" James answered, milk spilling out of his cereal-filled mouth.

"Oh Prongs," Sirius said, shaking his head. "Acting like this won't impress Evans at all."

James snorted and wiped his mouth. He swallowed and then glared at Sirius. "Don't talk to me about Lily  _bloody_  Evans."

Peter flinched at James's tone and shrunk back a little in his seat. Sirius sighed. "It's Valentine's Day."

"Who gives a damn about Valentine's Day?" James asked. "Not me."

"Tell that to the guy that  _literally_  dragged me out of bed for the occasion," Sirius pointed out.

"Well I can't- I can't bloody… just, argh!" James slammed his fist down on the table, knocking over Peter's drink. "I can't have her now, can I?"

"Of course you can," Sirius said.

"No, I can't."

"Better that she gets with Remus than Snape, anyway," James muttered. "I would be the better choice though, obviously."

"She's not with anyone," Peter piped up.

"Yeah, mate," Sirius said. "She isn't with anyone. Just be passive and wait for her to come to you."

"And what if she doesn't?" James whined, looking heart-broken.

"Then, there are plenty more fish in the sea," Sirius said with a confident nod.

Just then, the owls flew in with an unusual amount of mail. Valentine's cards. Sirius grinned. He scanned the Slytherin table for Regulus but he wasn't there. Sirius frowned. He must still be in the hospital wing.

"Sirius, you've got more Valentine's cards than the rest of the Gryffindor table put together," Peter said, looking annoyed. "I didn't even get one."

"I got one," James said, opening the card. "Oh, listen to this. Hi James, happy Valentine's Day. Maybe you'll consider going out with me. Love, Marlene."

James ripped up the card and tossed it on the floor.

Sirius was well aware of Marlene glaring at James from down the table. Sirius picked up his pile of cards.

He opened each one and read.

' _Dearest Sirius,_

_I don't think we've ever talked and I know you're interested in guys but I am in love with you._

_Please be my valentine!_

_Love from, Sophie'_

Sirius snorted.

' _Sirius Black,_

_I love you. Be mine._

_Dorcas Meadowes'_

Sirius raised his eyebrows and glanced at Dorcas who was giggling away with her friends.

' _Sirius,_

_I love you man. Thanks for being my best mate._

_James'_

Sirius nudged James and grinned. "Thanks for the card, babe."

"No problem, honey," James replied with the smallest trace of a smile.

' _To Sirius,_

_Happy Valentine's Day. Maybe you'll consider going out with me?_

_Love, Marlene'_

Sirius showed James the card and he rolled his eyes. "I wonder how many other people she sent  _that_  to?"

"Not me, anyway," Peter groaned, looking upset.

"Sorry man," Sirius said, hastily putting his cards away to look at later. "I'm just going to go and see how my brother is doing."

"Okay," James and Peter said in unison. Sirius got up and strolled towards the door of the Great Hall, ignoring all the winks and dreamy stares that were following him.

* * *

When Sirius reached the hospital wing, he noticed that Regulus was sleeping. He looked so peaceful. Sirius smiled at him and sat down next to him. The Valentine's Day card that Sirius had sent was with the owl that was sitting on the bedside table waiting for him to wake up.

Sirius poked Regulus's arm, and the younger boy's eyes fluttered open almost instantly. He blinked and took in his surroundings and then noticed Sirius and sat up quickly.

"I'm still in here?" he muttered unenthusiastically.

"Well, you did kinda shatter your ribs," Sirius said.

Regulus rolled his eyes.

"You have mail," Sirius said, nodding at the owl. Regulus turned and frowned at the owl. Realisation hit him and he grabbed the card and shooed the bird away.

"It's Valentine's Day, isn't it?" Regulus said.

"Yup."

"Crap. I have a card?" Regulus asked, sounding shocked.

"Yup. Open it!"

Regulus stared at the card like it would bite his head off. Hesitantly, he opened up the envelope and pulled out the card. He looked at the pictures on the front and Sirius saw him smile a little bit. He opened up the card and started reading.

Sirius's heart was pounding loud in his chest. Regulus was reading something Sirius had written about how much he loved him. Remus's words echoed in Sirius's head. "BAD IDEA."

Regulus's cheeks turned pink and he closed the card with a smile.

"Has someone got an admirer?" Sirius teased.

"Nooo," Regulus said quickly. "Well… maybe…"

Sirius grinned at him. "You're all embarrassed now."

"Shut up," Regulus said, trying to stop himself from smiling but failing. "Fine, I've never had a secret admirer before, okay? I know you have millions so it's not a big deal for you, but this is my first."

Sirius couldn't comprehend why on Earth Regulus had never had a secret admirer before. He had to be the most wonderful, amazing – not to mention sexy – person on the planet.

_I did not think he was sexy. Oh man._

"I'm glad," Sirius said. "It's nice to see you smiling again."

Regulus's smile grew bigger and he shook his head. "Huh, who'd've thought? Wait till my friends hear. They'll be so proud. So how many did you get?"

"Loads," Sirius shrugged.

"Any from the guy?"

"Guy?"

" _The_  guy," Regulus said. "Come on, don't act dumb."

"Nope, not that I've read yet. I only read a few," Sirius said. He knew he shouldn't ask, but he did. "So, er… any leads on that yet?"

"On who 'The Guy' is?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah…"

"A few," Regulus said. "I have a little list going on."

_Oh crap._

"You've given me quite a lot to go on. He's a guy, for sure. He goes to Hogwarts, obviously. There's only, what – five guys to a house, and four houses to a year. So there are twenty guys in a year. One hundred and forty guys to work it out from."

"Idiot," Sirius muttered.

"Plus, I can cross a lot of those guys off the list – like first, second and third years. Unless you're really creepy," Regulus said.

"Why weren't you in Ravenclaw?" Sirius asked.

"The Sorting Hat wanted to put me there," Regulus said. "I've never told anyone before. I was so scared of what mum and dad would say, I begged it to put me in Slytherin. Apparently Ravenclaw would have been perfect for me."

Sirius smiled. He could imagine Regulus as a Ravenclaw. He would fit in perfectly. And the blue, oh the blue….

_He'd look so SO hot in blue…_

"Mister Black, you have been discharged," Madame Pomfrey said. "Just take it easy, alright?"

"Woohoo!" Regulus grinned, throwing the covers off himself and getting up. "I'm free!" He held his hand out and Sirius high-fived him. "Shall we go do something?"

This was better than Sirius had expected. "Sure," he smiled.

* * *

They found themselves in Hogsmeade an hour later. Sirius couldn't help himself from imagining them on a date. The only difference would be that Sirius would be holding his hand.

He hated himself for being so perverse. If only Regulus could hear what he was thinking…

"I want to get some sweets," Regulus said, nodding towards Honeydukes. "Can we go in?"

"Of course," Sirius replied, following him. "What would you like? I'll buy."

Regulus turned and shook his head. "That's alright, Sirius. I have money."

"I want to," Sirius said. "Please?"

"Well, if you insist," Regulus said, shrugging. He picked up various chocolate bars and lollypops and every variety of sweet that he could find.

"Looks like you've got a sweet tooth," Sirius commented. "Trying to turn into Wormtail, are we?"

Regulus looked confused. "Wormtail?"

"I mean my friend, Peter," Sirius said.

"It wouldn't hurt to put on a bit of weight," Regulus said. "I mean, I am like a stick."

_Sexiest stick I've ever seen._

"You don't need to gain weight," Sirius said. "Just exercise and get more muscular. Maybe you can impress your secret admirer."

_Aka, me. I wouldn't mind seeing your muscles._

"I wonder who it is?" Regulus said. "I never really talk to anyone. I know – don't give me that look – I'm a loner. I never see anyone staring or anything."

_Because you're so adorably oblivious to how perfect you are._

They headed to the till and Sirius paid for everything. When they left the shop Regulus thanked him and they walked around for a bit.

Sirius felt himself blushing furiously when he saw Remus, and saw Remus's expression change when he noticed who Sirius was with.

_Crap, he knows, and he probably thinks we're on a date._

Remus walked towards them and Sirius straightened up, trying to act normal.

"Hey," Sirius said.

"Hi," Remus replied, nodding to Regulus and then looking back at Sirius with a knowing expression.

"So you left the room?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah. I thought I'd come down to get some things from Honeydukes and then eat them all while I mope," Remus said with a shrug. "What are you two doing here?"

"Just shopping," Sirius said quickly. "Neither of us have dates, so…"

"I see," Remus replied, glancing between them again. Sirius wished he would stop. He was making it too obvious. "You feeling better?" he asked Regulus.

"Oh," Regulus said. "I… yeah. Much better, thanks."

"Good. You took a nasty hit," Remus said.

"Yeah," Regulus laughed. "I can't even remember it really."

"Well, I should get going. Sirius, can I talk to you alone quickly?" Remus asked.

"I'll just wait by The Three Broomsticks," Regulus said quickly, walking away and leaving them alone.

"What are you  _doing_?" Remus demanded as soon as Regulus was out of ear-shot.

"What are  _you_  doing?" Sirius asked. "You're making it so bloody obvious!"

"What are you doing out on a date with him on Valentine's Day?" Remus asked, ignoring Sirius.

"It isn't a date!" Sirius hissed.

"It so it," Remus replied. "How much of that did you buy for him?" he asked, pointing at the bag from Honeydukes.

"All of it," Sirius said. "But that doesn't mean anything. He doesn't even know I like him."

"Mmm, he probably does now," Remus smirked. "You took him out to Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day and bought him stuff, and now you're going to the Three Broomsticks? Very romantic."

"Whatever," Sirius said. "Maybe it's a date. He just doesn't need to know that."

Remus shook his head with a smile. "Did he get your card?"

"Yeah," Sirius grinned. "He was happy."

"Sirius, I don't want you to get hurt," Remus said quietly. "I know you're in love with him, but I'm sure you know as well as I that it's a difficult situation, and it probably won't end well for you."

"I know," Sirius said, suddenly feeling depressed. Remus was right, of course.

"Just be careful, okay? You don't want to lose him. He is your brother," Remus said.

"Okay," Sirius nodded. "Thanks."

"Now I'll let you go kiss your boyfriend," Remus grinned, nudging him and walking away. Sirius shook his head and laughed, and headed over to Regulus who raised his eyebrows.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing."

"It was about 'The Guy', wasn't it?" Regulus asked. "He knows! How come you told him and not me?"

"Because," Sirius said.

"Great answer," Regulus replied dryly.

"Butterbeer?" Sirius asked, changing the subject.

"Okay. I'll get us a table," Regulus said.

* * *

"He doesn't seem like a werewolf," Regulus said, when they were settled at their table with their drinks.

"No, he's just a normal person."

"I can see that," Regulus said. "He's nice. I can see why you're his friend."

Sirius decided now would be a good time to find out whether Regulus was gay or not.

"You don't fancy him, do you?" Sirius asked casually, taking a drink from his mug.

Regulus rolled his eyes. "No."

"I just kind of wondered about you… you aren't… you know, like me, are you?"

"Elaborate," Regulus said.

"Are you gay?" Sirius practically blurted out.

He saw Regulus's lips quirk up a little and he shook his head. "Not that I know of," he said.

"Great answer," Sirius said, copying what Regulus had said earlier.

"Why does it matter?" Regulus asked.

"It would be nice to have another gay person to talk to… you know, excluding my ex," Sirius lied.

_No, it's really because if you are gay, you might like me._

"I picked up something cool from Zonko's when you were talking to Lupin," Regulus said, reaching into his pocket to pull out a funny device.

"I didn't even see you leave," Sirius said, confused.

"Yeah, it was cold," Regulus said. "Anyway, it's like a handwriting recognition device. I can decipher the card!"

_OH SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. NO._

_HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT!_


	22. Hungover

Regulus jumped straight up from his seat to avoid getting covered in Butterbeer. The entire table was soaked.

"Sirius!" he exclaimed.

"Sorry," Sirius shrugged. "Ah crap, I think your device thing's broken."

Regulus glanced down at it and frowned. It had been crushed by Sirius when he'd jumped back from the table.

"You're so clumsy," Regulus said, shaking his head. "Come on, let's go."

"Okay," Sirius replied. They headed out of the Three Broomsticks, letting the bartender know about the mess before they left. The cold outside was overwhelming. Regulus shivered into his cloak and folded his arms around himself.

Sirius smiled at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Sirius replied quickly, looking away.

Regulus couldn't deny that Sirius had been acting a little strange lately. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, but he knew there was something.

"Where do you want to go now?" Sirius asked.

"Hm, let's head back. I'm freezing!"

Sirius nodded and they trudged up the hill towards Hogwarts. It was peaceful. Regulus was happier than he'd ever been. He didn't want his happiness to end, but he knew it wouldn't last forever.

When they reached the castle and stepped inside, Regulus let out a relieved sigh at the warmth that enveloped him.

"That's better," he grinned.

"Well, enjoy your sweets," Sirius said, handing him the bag. Regulus nodded.

"Thanks," Regulus replied. "See ya!"

He headed down the stairs towards the Slytherin common room. When he entered, there was no sight of his friends – in fact, the common room was mostly empty. He thought that was probably because everybody was with their significant others.

He took his seat at his usual table and rested his head on his hands. He thought about his Valentine's Day card, which had been such a shock to him.

Who in their right mind would like _him_?

Regulus was astonished. And flattered. He had never thought of himself as the romantic type, but when he thought about the fact that _someone_ fancied him, he decided that if he ever found out who the person was, maybe he would give it a try.

He was annoyed that Sirius had broken his handwriting recognition device. He considered going back to get a new one, but then decided it was too cold outside. The thought made him shiver.

He thought about Sirius. That would keep him occupied. He pulled out a piece of parchment and his quill, and wrote a title at the top of the page:

' _Ideas About Who 'The Guy' Is'_

He stopped writing and pondered for a bit. He tried to think about the clues that Sirius had let slip. He'd mentioned that it was someone he _shouldn't_ like. That helped… a little.

He tapped his fingers on the table as he thought. It could possibly be one of Sirius's best friends, then.

But he'd said before that it wasn't.

_God, Sirius. Why can't you just tell me?_

Remus Lupin knew. Which meant that it wasn't him. He wrote _'not Remus Lupin'_ on his parchment. He also decided that there was no way in hell that it could be Severus Snape.

Regulus thought back to the conversation he and Sirius had had when Regulus thought Sirius was a werewolf. Sirius had freaked out, thinking Regulus had figured something else out.

" _Please, please don't hate me. Please forgive me. I know I'm disgusting and gross and you probably never want to speak to me again."_

Regulus pursed his lips. Could it really be that bad?

He crossed Will Parker off the list – it definitely wasn't him. Maybe it was one of Regulus's friends? Why else would Sirius be so apologetic towards him over it?

But Regulus really couldn't believe that. When had Sirius ever even acknowledged Regulus's friends? He probably didn't even know their names.

He was broken out of his thoughts with a hand on his shoulder. He glanced up to see Barty standing there.

"Come to Hogsmeade with me, will you?" Barty asked.

"Why?"

"Bad Valentine's Day," he groaned. "I need a pick-me-up. Like a major one."

"What happened?" Regulus asked.

"She dumped me," Barty whined, holding his hand to his chest dramatically. "Told me that if I really wanted to impress her, I should have got her something with more value. I mean, really?"

Regulus raised his eyebrows, and then stood up. At least this gave him a chance to go and buy a new recognition device. "You deserve much better anyway, come on. Firewhisky?"

"Are you a mind reader, Black?" Barty replied with a grin.

* * *

It was getting dark now, and colder. Regulus had made sure to get a second cloak before he'd left to go to Hogsmeade. By the time they reached the shops, it was almost closing time.

"I just have to go to Zonko's quickly before they shut," Regulus said to Barty, who nodded whilst shivering into his cloak.

"I'll go get us a table in the Hog's Head," he replied. "Anything to stop my teeth chattering."

Regulus nodded at him and then headed into Zonko's and went straight to where he'd picked the device up the first time. There was only one left.

_Phew_

He picked it up and headed to the counter.

"Didn't you buy this earlier?" the shopkeeper asked, looking confused.

"Yup, my brother broke it," Regulus replied.

"Brothers," the shopkeeper rolled his eyes. "It's on the house."

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Oh, thank you," Regulus smiled. He put it in his bag and headed out of the shop. It had started to snow now, and Regulus practically ran to the Hog's Head.

When he got in, he scanned the room for Barty.

He finally spotted him and headed over to take his seat. "Cheers!" Barty said, holding up his glass and clunking it against Regulus's.

* * *

Two hours and five Firewhisky's later each, and they were both extremely drunk. Regulus wasn't really the type to get drunk – in fact this was his first time.

_It feels funny, like why is the room even swaying like this?_

" _REG_!" Barty yelled at Regulus. "They just put up a sign that said 'closed"! He squinted at the sign and then at the bartender who was cleaning tables and glaring at them. "OH, I think it means they're closed!"

"Ohhh," Regulus said, standing up and almost falling over. He grabbed the table for support. Barty grabbed Regulus's arm and dragged him out of the pub.

As soon as they stepped out into the cold, Regulus felt the amount of alcohol he'd drunk. He wasn't sure if he'd make up back up to Hogwarts.

They strolled up through the snow.

"I can't do it anymore!" Regulus yelled dramatically, dropping down onto the snow and refusing to get up.

"We have to! It's only… ten more miles… give or take a mile… or two…" Barty said, looking utterly confused.

"Ten miles!?"

"I don' bloody know!" Barty shouted, grabbing Regulus and throwing him over his shoulder.

"You're str-str-strong," Regulus hiccupped. "How'd you carry me?"

"You're not really tha'heavy," Barty said. " _OUCH YOU JUST KICKED ME."_

"M'sorry."

The swaying made Regulus want to throw up. He tried not to. He closed his eyes and tried to think of something else.

_Count to ten._

"1…2…. 3….4…."

"Regulus, what happened?"

Regulus glanced up from over Barty's shoulder and saw Sirius standing by the side of the castle.

"Pu'me down," Regulus said, kicking Barty again.

Barty dropped him on the floor and pouted. "Tha' hurt me you idiot!"

"Sorry… I'm gonna talk to Sir'is," Regulus said, pointing at Sirius. Barty sighed and walked off towards the entrance hall.

Sirius came running over, looking concerned.

"Are you… WOW," Sirius said, stepping back a little. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Jus' a few, really," Regulus said, grinning.

"Why?"

"My friend got his-his-his heart broken t'day," Regulus nodded very seriously.

"Ah," Sirius said. "Where's your cloak? It's freezing."

"Oh," Regulus said, looking down and realising that he had his bag but not his cloak.

"Here," Sirius said, handing Regulus his own cloak.

"But you'll get cold," Regulus frowned.

"Better me than you," Sirius replied. Regulus wrapped the cloak around himself and smiled.

"Smells like you," he murmured.

Sirius blinked and cleared his throat. "Well, of course it does. It's mine."

"S'good. Thanks."

"You're welcome," Sirius replied. "Now go to bed."

"Yes mum," Regulus sighed. "What you doin' out here a' this time?"

"Nothing, Regulus. Go to sleep."

"'Kay," Regulus yawned, walking away towards the entrance hall.

The walk to the Slytherin common room was a very difficult one. He almost slipped down the stairs three times and he walked into four different walls, waking up the sleeping people in the portraits.

He finally got to the door and had to say the password three times because he kept slurring his words.

By the time he reached his bed, he dropped down fully clothed and fell asleep straight away.

* * *

Regulus had the worst headache in the morning. He groaned and rolled over, and then realised he was still wearing his shoes. He glanced down and noticed he was also still wearing his clothes, and Sirius's cloak. He could only vaguely remember his journey back to Hogwarts last night.

He knew that Sirius had been outside.

 _Weird_.

He sat up and regretted it almost instantly. The pain in his head was horrible.

_It's your own fault. Deal with it._

He sighed and got out of bed. He quickly headed to the bathroom to have a shower and get dressed. By the time he headed to the common room, he was presentable.

His head was still killing and he was on the verge of throwing up but he was stubborn. He would not let it bother him.

He sat down at his table and pulled out his handwriting recognition device and his Valentine's Day card. Opening the pack, he lifted it above the words that were written.

It made a funny noise and some sparks came out.

He waited for a moment. Nothing seemed to happen. He sighed.

Then the device made another sound and lit up. He glanced down. The device was writing projecting a name onto the card.

He watched as it started spelling out the name of his "admirer".

_Sirius Black._

Regulus stared down at the name in confusion. There must have been some mistake. It couldn't possibly be…

There was no way…

Or could it be?

Regulus let his guard down for a second, and then he couldn't stop himself from rushing to the toilets to throw up.

"Ugh," he groaned, wiping is mouth and heading up to brush his teeth. His head was pounding, and it wasn't just the headache.

He sat down on the bathroom floor and ran his hands through his hair.

_It can't be._

He thought about everything Sirius had said about the person he was in love with. It all made perfect sense, and Regulus didn't even know what to think.

_That's why he told Lupin and not me._

Regulus let out a long sigh and shook his head. This couldn't be happening. There was no way in a million years that Sirius was in love with _him_. It was just too… weird.

But Sirius had said that he was "disgusting" and "gross" and that Regulus "probably wouldn't want to talk to him again".

And Sirius liked Seekers.

Sirius smiled at him a lot these days.

He destroyed the handwriting recognition device.

He gave him his cloak.

He was having dreams about someone he shouldn't be having dreams about.

He even got himself a boyfriend to keep his mind off of it.

Regulus closed his eyes. What was he meant to do now?

_I can't just pretend I don't know. But it'll be awkward if I tell him I know. Oh, Merlin. It's going to be so awkward._

_Okay, stop. It might not even be true. I need to watch him. Make sure this is true, before I do anything._

He stood up. Today, he would spend the whole day with Sirius.

And he would find out the truth.


	23. Long Conversations

When Regulus reached the Great Hall and took his seat between Barty and Scabior, breakfast was almost finished. Barty was looking as rough as Regulus felt. He glanced up at him briefly when Regulus sat down and then returned to gulping down his orange juice.

Scabior nudged Regulus and smirked. "Hungover, are we?"

"Just a bit," Regulus replied, voice thick with sarcasm. "You didn't even leave me any breakfast?"

"Of course I did!" Scabior said.

"Well, where is it?" Regulus demanded, stomach rumbling.

"Well, I ate it," Scabior said with a sly grin. " _WHAT_!" he yelled, dodging a punch from Regulus. "You guys didn't even invite me on your little Valentine's Day date to Hogsmeade last night to get smashed!"

"So how come _he_ got breakfast?" Regulus moaned, pointing accusatory at Barty, who barely noticed.

"He got here first," Scabior said.

Regulus sighed and grabbed a goblet of pumpkin juice. He'd have to settle for drink at the moment. His eyes absent-mindedly drifted around the Great Hall and landed on the Gryffindor table where he saw Sirius laughing away with James Potter and Peter Pettigrew.

Regulus wasn't sure what to feel. He watched in curiosity.

Sirius looked at him and he hastily glanced down at his pumpkin juice. He could feel himself blushing.

 _Wait, why am_ I _blushing?_ He's _the one who bloody fancies me._

He felt himself blushing even more about the fact that Sirius could see him blushing.

_This is a mess._

Regulus stood up abruptly. "I'm spending the day with my brother," he said to his friends. "We have things we need to talk about."

"That sounds like a _fun_ idea," Barty said into his orange juice. It was hard to tell whether he was speaking to Regulus or the juice.

"Yeah," Regulus replied, sighing. "See ya."

He braced himself and strode over to the Gryffindor table. Sirius looked up at him and smiled.

"I would like to… um… steal you for the day," Regulus mumbled, feeling himself going red again. "Is that okay with you guys?" Regulus added to Sirius's friends.

"Take him," Potter said, looking gleeful.

"Yeah, _please_. We need a break from him," Pettigrew added.

Sirius glared at his friends and stood up. "I'm all yours."

Regulus didn't like the way Sirius's lips quirked up slightly when he'd said it. He started walking towards the door of the Great Hall, and Sirius followed.

"Where are we going, then?" Sirius asked.

"Um, well first I need to get all those Honeydukes sweets from my room," Regulus said. "Since my friends didn't save me any breakfast."

"Kind of them," Sirius said. "How's the hangover?"

Regulus turned to look at him and shook his head. "Don't even start, okay. It sucks."

Sirius grinned.

They headed down to the dungeons, and Regulus quickly slipped into the Slytherin common room and up to his dormitory. He took a deep breath. He could already feel the awkwardness with Sirius and he hated it. He was terrified in case he was right about Sirius's feelings.

He grabbed his sweets and headed back down. Sirius was leaning against the wall. He stood up straight when Regulus closed the door.

"Where shall we go where we can talk?" Regulus asked.

"Hmm," Sirius said. "Room of Requirement?"

"What's that?"

"It's a room that – oh, come on. I'll show you," Sirius said with a grin. Regulus followed him up a couple of staircases and through a few tapestries. He wasn't even sure where he was. Sirius sure knew the castle well.

They finally reached a corridor and Sirius stopped, closing his eyes.

Regulus was a little confused. "Sirius, what're you doing?" he asked.

Sirius didn't reply. A few moments later, he opened his eyes and said "come on."

Regulus blinked. There was a door in front of them. It had definitely not been there before. He was now _really_ confused.

"What the-"

"-It appears when someone needs it," Sirius said. "It's pretty cool if you ask me. We found it in third year."

"That's… amazing," Regulus said, as they opened the door. Inside was a sofa and a fireplace. It was all very cosy.

"It doesn't always look like this, either," Sirius said. "It depends what you need it for. I just asked it for a place we could sit and talk, and this is what it came up with."

"I'm still in shock a bit," Regulus laughed. "You'll have to draw me a map so I remember where it is next time."

Sirius snorted. "Been there, done that."

"Of course you have," Regulus rolled his eyes, and took a seat on the sofa. Sirius sat down next to him.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Well," Regulus started, unsure of what to say next. To stall things a little he reached into his bag and pulled out a lollypop. Not the healthiest of breakfasts but it would do. He opened it and started sucking on it.

He watched in awkward silence as Sirius's eyes dropped down to his mouth and he practically started drooling.

Regulus took the lollypop out of his mouth and cleared his throat. "So why were you out so late last night, Sirius?"

"That's none of your business," Sirius replied.

"Oh come on," Regulus said.

Sirius looked a little bit uncertain. "You can't tell anybody, because I could be arrested for this."

Regulus was confused. What on Earth could it be? "Go on. I promise."

Sirius nodded and let out a breath. "Well… uh… well, basically I'm an animagus…"

Regulus raised his eyebrows. " _Really_?" he was dubious.

Sirius nodded, and without warning his form blurred and suddenly there was a large black dog sitting on the sofa next to him. It dropped its head to the side and let its tongue roll out.

Regulus stared in awe. Sirius had managed to become an animagus – that was supposed to be one of the most advanced types of magic. He was proud.

Sirius suddenly changed back and grinned at Regulus's expression.

"Like it?"

"Well you always were a bit of a dog," Regulus said.

"Hey!" Sirius's eyes narrowed.

"That doesn't really explain why you were out so late, though," Regulus said.

Sirius nodded. "Well you know how Remus is a werewolf, right?"

"Yeah."

"He used to tear himself apart every Full Moon because he locked himself up. I wanted to help him so badly, and eventually I discovered that werewolves aren't harmful to animals. I had this ingenious plan to become an animagus to help him, and it works."

Regulus thought about this for a moment. It was pretty smart. He wondered if the other two were also animagi. "Is it just you?"

Sirius paused for a second, and then nodded. "Yeah, just me."

"That's really nice of you," Regulus said. "He must have been so thankful."

"Oh, he wasn't to begin with. Breaking laws and all," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "He came around in the end, but at first he was angry. He didn't want me getting into trouble."

"Are you _sure_ he's not 'The Guy'?" Regulus asked hopefully.

Sirius smiled at him and shook his head. "No, he's not."

_Dammit, why?_

"Well done, by the way," Regulus said. "For managing it."

"Thanks," Sirius grinned from ear to ear.

There was a short silence that probably wouldn't have been awkward if Regulus hadn't been wondering whether Sirius was thinking of him in a romantic way.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked.

"Hm? Yeah, just thinking."

"Did you ever figure out who your secret admirer was?" Sirius asked.

_Wait. What?_

"Er-"

_Dammit, what do I say now?_

"Kind of," Regulus said, mentally kicking himself afterwards. He knew he shouldn't have said it. He chanced a look at Sirius, and he decided his suspicions were correct – Sirius looked terrified.

Sirius swallowed hard and coughed. "Uh, who?"

"Well, I have my suspicions," Regulus said quietly. "I'm not one hundred percent sure."

"Oh, okay," Sirius said.

"Yeah."

"So, um, any ideas about 'The Guy' I love?" Sirius asked.

Regulus sighed. He really didn't know if he could do this. His stomach was doing somersaults. Did Sirius _really_ want them to have this discussion?

"Same. I have my suspicions," Regulus repeated.

"Go on," Sirius prompted.

_This is beginning to get really awkward._

"Right… so, if I'm right you have to tell me," Regulus said.

"Okay, I promise."

"And if I'm wrong, then please don't laugh at me."

Sirius smiled a little. "Okay, Reg."

Regulus breathed out, and tried not to look at Sirius. "I… erm… have this idea that maybe… and _please_ don't laugh if I'm wrong, okay?"

"I already said I wouldn't," Sirius replied.

"Yeah, so," Regulus said. "I have this weird feeling that 'The Guy' is… er… god, this is so embarrassing, Sirius."

"Just spit it out, will you?" Sirius laughed.

"Okay, okay," Regulus said quickly. "Is 'The Guy' m-me?"

He watched the blood drain from Sirius's face and the horrified expression appear. Sirius didn't say a word, and then he looked down solemnly and nodded.

"Didn't think you'd get it so easily," Sirius said with a small forced laugh.

"Yeah, well. Told you I'm good at figuring things out. Also, I went back to Zonko's and got another device," Regulus admitted.

"I feel so humiliated," Sirius whispered, glancing up a Regulus. "Please don't hate me."

Since Regulus had worked out that Sirius was in love with him, he'd been unsure of how to react, but now – looking at Sirius's terrified, embarrassed face, filled with such fear – Regulus knew he couldn't be mad or disgusted.

Regulus shook his head and smiled. "I couldn't hate you," he said.

Sirius's whole body seemed to relax at his words. The relief was almost visible.

"You _can_ finish your lollypop, you know," Sirius said, glancing down at the lollypop in Regulus's hand. He was obviously trying to move the conversation _way_ along.

Regulus put the lollypop back in his mouth. He took it straight back out again when Sirius's expression turned back to the lust-filled one from earlier.

"Now, I _can't_ eat it," Regulus said, annoyed.

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"Because! You're doing that thing," Regulus replied.

"What thing?"

"Nothing," Regulus said.

_I know exactly what you were thinking of, you dirty-minded idiot._

They sat for a moment, and then Sirius sighed and leaned back on the sofa. "Can I just ask something?"

"Of course."

"You don't think that… you know…um, you couldn't ever return the feelings could you?"

Regulus thought about Sirius's words for a minute and shrugged.

"I haven't thought about it," he said. "It's… a little strange."

"That's an understatement," Sirius said.

Regulus grinned. "Yeah. Um, look I'm just trying to get used to the idea of you… you know… me being 'The Guy'."

"I understand," Sirius said. "You have no idea how wonderful you are."

Regulus could feel himself blushing.

"No, I don't mean it like – I meant as in the fact that you're not freaking out," Sirius said quickly. "But you're wonderful in general too."

"Er, thanks."

"I'm sorry. Too soon?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," Regulus said. "Let's just talk about something else."

Sirius nodded hastily. "How are you doing, cutting-wise?"

"Of all the things you could change the subject to, you choose _that_?" Regulus asked, shaking his head. "No, I haven't cut."

"Good," Sirius smiled. "How're the scars looking?"

Regulus self-consciously pulled his sleeves down, even though they were already covering his scars. "They're not good."

"Let me see," Sirius said softly.

Regulus shook his head. "No, Sirius. They're horrible."

"I've seen worse," Sirius murmured.

Regulus knew he was talking about Lupin. Of course his scars were worse. Sirius probably thought he was pathetic. His best friend hurt himself every single month without any control over it, when Regulus had just been doing it deliberately.

He felt ashamed of himself.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What are you sorry for?" Sirius asked.

"I wish I'd never done it," Regulus replied, looking down at his hands. "I felt like I had to at the time, you know? It made me feel stronger."

"I know," Sirius said. "And maybe it did, but it was unhealthy and dangerous, and I'm just really glad you've managed to stop. I'm really proud."

Regulus smiled a little. "Thanks. Me too. It's been fifty days."

"That's amazing."

Sirius reached out and grabbed both of his arms.

"What are you doing?" Regulus asked.

When he realised that Sirius was lifting up his sleeves, he tried to protest but Sirius had his arms locked in place. He watched Sirius's face as he stared down at Regulus's scars.

"I can help with them," Sirius said, looking back up at Regulus.

"How?"

"I have some scar cream. They won't go away completely, but it will make them a lot less visible."

"You don't have to do that," Regulus said.

"I want to," Sirius smiled.

"Thanks," Regulus replied as Sirius let go of his arms. "That would be really great."

* * *

The rest of the day flew by. They talked for hours. They didn't even go down for lunch. Instead, they ate bars of Honeydukes chocolate. Regulus was glad it was no longer uncomfortable between them. He tried not to think about Sirius's feelings for him, and then he was alright.

But sometimes he just couldn't help it. Every time Sirius's eyes met his, he could see the feelings in them. It unnerved him a little bit. He wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed it any sooner.

"Ah crap," Regulus said. "I just remembered I have a prefect meeting tonight."

"You're such a nerd, aren't you?" Sirius said, shaking his head.

"Better than being a turd," Regulus grinned.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Well-"

"Jerk," Sirius said.

"Idiot."

"Loser."

"Creep."

Sirius laughed and stood up. "Come on then, let's get you to your nerd meeting."

Regulus rolled his eyes. "You're starting to sound like my friends."

"Great," Sirius replied dryly.

"They're not as bad as you think, you know?" Regulus said.

"They look at me like I'm a piece of crap," Sirius said.

"Barty doesn't," Regulus replied. "And Scabior looks at everyone like that. Don't take it personally."

"They hate me," Sirius said.

"Who _doesn't_ hate you?" Regulus teased.

"Take that back!"

"Nope," Regulus grinned, opening the door and then realising he had no idea which way to go.

"Come on, you," Sirius said, leading Regulus down a corridor and through a tapestry, and then down a secret passageway. And out of nowhere, they were standing outside the classroom where they held prefect meetings.

"Oh, thanks," Regulus said.

"No problem. See ya," Sirius said, heading off.

Regulus stared after him for a moment, and then walked into the classroom. He took the last seat next to one of the older Ravenclaw prefects.

* * *

Prefect meetings always started with the head boy and head girl giving a little speech. Then they would complain about one thing or the other, and then they would go into congratulating certain prefects for things they'd done. Regulus got a mention.

"And we were sorry to hear about our fifth year prefect Regulus Black, who ended up in the hospital wing a few days ago due to a Quidditch injury."

Regulus had felt his cheeks grow hot as he shrank back in his seat.

Then the head boy and head girl would pair prefects up and send them to certain parts of the castle to monitor students.

Regulus was paired with Remus Lupin.

He stood up and headed out the room, stopping and waiting for Lupin to reach him. He finally emerged.

"Where are we?" Regulus asked.

Lupin grimaced. "Boat house."

"Fun," Regulus said, wishing for his bed already.

The boat house was the worst of the areas to be allocated. Nobody was ever there. It was more of a necessity. Just in case by any chance a student decided to venture down there after curfew. But nobody ever did.

They walked down to the boat house in silence, and when they arrived, there was nobody there as usual.

"Is it time to go back yet?" Regulus joked.

"Nah, just about three more hours left."

"Ooh, how exciting."

Regulus sighed and sat down on a countertop. Lupin sat down on the floor and pulled a book out of his bag and started reading. Regulus wished he'd brought something to occupy him.

He stared through the windows up at the castle. It really was a beautiful sight.

He let his mind wander, and unfortunately it wandered to Sirius.

Regulus thought about Sirius's question from earlier – could Regulus ever return the feelings?

Of course he couldn't.

But then why did the question keep popping into his head?

"Whatcha thinking about?" Lupin asked.

"Huh?"

"You looked very deep in thought," he prompted, putting his book down.

"Oh. It's… nothing, really."

He looked down at Lupin and sighed.

"Okay," Regulus said. "It's Sirius."

Lupin nodded. "What about him?"

"Well," Regulus said. "I _know_."

"Know what?"

"About, you know," Regulus said, standing up and then walking towards him and sitting next to him. "His feelings."

"Did he tell you?" Lupin asked, looking surprised.

"No, I guessed."

"Does he know you know?"

"Yeah, we talked about it today," Regulus replied. "He asked me if I could ever return the feelings."

"Wait, you're not even freaking out?" Lupin asked, looking impressed.

"It's a bit… weird. But no."

He smiled at Regulus. "So you were trying to figure out whether or not you like him?"

"What?" Regulus said quickly. "No!"

"Oh, don't lie," Lupin said. "You and Sirius aren't that different, you know. Especially your facial expressions. I can read Sirius like a book."

"Why does he like me?" Regulus asked.

"I think he _loves_ you, actually," Lupin replied. "And you'll have to ask him why. I don't know."

"Oh god, he had those _dreams_ about me, didn't he?" Regulus exclaimed, with horror. "Oh No!"

Lupin smirked at him.

"No, it's not funny. That's just – that's – ugh!"

"You're blushing," Lupin commented.

"Of course I am! My brother's having _sex_ dreams about me!" Regulus said. "God dammit, Sirius!"

"Calm down," Lupin said. "They're just dreams."

"But they're not just any dreams," Regulus said. "I wonder what disgusting things were actually happening in them?"

"Try not to think of it."

"Oh man," Regulus said, sighing. "This is weird. This is _really_ weird."

"You want my opinion?" Lupin asked.

Regulus nodded quickly, desperate for someone else's input.

"I think you fancy him too," he said.

"I-what-huh?"

"Yeah. You just don't realise it yet."

"No," Regulus said firmly. "No, that's not true."

"Okay," Lupin said. "Imagine he tried to kiss you tomorrow. What would you do?"

Regulus huffed. "He wouldn't dare."

" _If_ he did."

"I'd shove him away, of course! Tell him he's a disgusting pervert!" Regulus answered.

"Regulus, your reaction to my question makes me think you like him even more than I thought you did," Lupin said. "You're too defensive."

"But, it's too weird," Regulus said. "I refuse to even-"

"-Tell me the thought of kissing him repulses you."

"It repulses me."

"Say the whole thing," Lupin said.

"The thought of kissing him," Regulus sighed, and leaned back against the counter. "I've never thought about it before. Why _would_ I?"

Lupin smiled. "Think about it."

He thought about it. He hated himself for doing it, but he tried to imagine kissing Sirius. Oddly, it gave him a funny feeling in his stomach. It felt fluttery. Like… butterflies.

_Crap._

"No."

"You just thought about it," Lupin said, rolling his eyes. "Don't give me that 'no' business. You smiled."

"I didn't smile," Regulus protested.

"Now imagine you and Sirius are together and he's holding you in his arms."

"You're gross," Regulus grimaced. He thought about Lupin's words though, and he felt a warmth spread through him and that dreaded fluttering returned. What was _wrong_ with him? Sirius was his _brother_.

Not to mention _male_.

"Okay, my last comment on the topic, I promise," Lupin said.

"Do I _have_ to listen?" Regulus moaned.

"Yep. When you get into bed tonight, I want you to imagine what it would feel like to have Sirius there with his arms wrapped around you."

"You're a pervert, aren't you?" Regulus asked. This seemed to be the only explanation. "You think the two of us together would be hot or something, don't you?"

Lupin made a face. "Er, not really," he said. "But I want Sirius to be happy."

"Are you sure you're not the one who's thinking about kissing him?" Regulus's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"I'm very sure," Lupin said, laughing a little. "But think about it tonight, okay?"

Regulus sighed. "Fine."

"Come on, it must be time to walk back up to the castle now."

They stood up, and Regulus smiled a little. "Thank you, Lupin."

"Call me Remus."

"Well, thanks Remus," Regulus said. "I needed someone to talk to about it who wasn't Sirius, you know?"

"I understand," Remus smiled back.

* * *

As Regulus got into bed that night, he did as Remus wished. He let his mind wander to Sirius. He tried to imagine Sirius's arms wrapped around him, holding him close.

He could almost feel the warmth of Sirius's body pressed against his. He could almost feel Sirius's chest moving up and down. He could almost hear Sirius's soft whisper in his ear of "I love you."

Regulus smiled and whispered "I love you, too."

He woke up with a startle. He stretched his arms out and it was only him in his bed. He felt a sudden emptiness.

_Oh no. Remus was right._

Regulus closed his eyes, but he knew he was getting no more sleep tonight.


	24. Gryffindor Courage

The rest of February flew by and merged into March and then April, and soon enough it was May. It was a pleasant day outside, and it was also the weekend. Sirius had come to terms completely with his feelings for Regulus. He'd also come to realise that he would eventually be crushed because those feelings would probably never be returned. He'd hoped that after telling Regulus about his feelings, they'd talk about it – unfortunately that didn't happen. Regulus hadn't even brought it up since the day he told him.

Sirius was sitting in the Gryffindor common room, waiting for Remus to emerge from the dormitory. At last, he caught sight of him and called him over. Remus sat down next to him.

"What's up?"

"I'm going to Hogsmeade today," Sirius said. "Wanna come?"

"Sure," Remus said.

Sirius grinned. "You're gonna love me."

"Why?" Remus asked suspiciously.

Sirius shook his head and stood up. "Let's go."

Remus followed him hesitantly towards the exit of the common room.

* * *

When they arrived at the Three Broomsticks, Sirius scanned the pub. When he saw the girl he'd been searching for, he led Remus over to her table and sat down. The girl had light brown hair and green eyes. She smiled warmly at Sirius, and then at Remus.

"Hello," she said.

"Hey Andie," Sirius said, gesturing for Remus to sit down next to him. He cast an annoyed glance at Sirius and then sat down next to him.

"How are you guys?" she asked. "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."

"It's not even been a year," Sirius said. "Where's the family?"

Remus shrunk into his chair a little bit. Andromeda smiled at him. "She's been dying to see you."

"That's sweet," Remus murmured.

"They're just getting us drinks," Andromeda said, answering Sirius's question. "Ah, here they come."

Sirius turned in his seat to see Andromeda's husband, Ted, carrying a couple of drinks. Next to him was a small girl with bubblegum pink hair and a massive smile on her face. She came bounding across the room towards Sirius and leaped straight into his lap.

"Siris!" she squealed, wrapping her arms around his neck and cuddling him. He smiled. This was Andromeda and Ted's three-year-old daughter, Nymphadora.

She looked up at him and started playing with his nose. "I miss you."

"I missed you too, Nymphie," Sirius said. "And look who else came to see you."

He could practically hear Remus growl at him. Nymphadora turned her head to look at Remus, and in less than a second she was sitting on Remus's lap.

"I MISS YOU WEMUS!"

"Me too, Nymphie," Remus said, forcing a smile.

"I old nuff to marry you yet?" she asked, grinning up at him.

"Not yet," Remus said. "Sorry."

"I want marry you!" she squealed, grabbing his hand and slapping herself in the face with it.

"What're you up to?" he asked.

"You big hands."

"Well Nymphie," Remus said. "Maybe you just have tiny baby hands."

"I no have baby hands!" she yelled, her hair turning red.

He smiled and shook his head.

Sirius found it hilarious how his baby cousin had a massive crush on Remus. He always dragged Remus along with him just so he could laugh at him.

"How've you been, Sirius?" Andromeda asked.

"Yeah, not too bad."

"How's my baby sister?" she asked coolly.

"Still as awful as ever," Sirius said. "You know she's the reason I got disowned?"

"Then I guess you have one thing to thank her for," Andromeda said, smiling a little.

"That's true," Sirius said. "It's so much better now."

"Just so you know, our offer still stands if you ever needed somewhere to stay," Ted said.

"Thanks," Sirius replied. "But I'm staying with James."

"Yeah, you're telling me you could've stayed with them but instead you climbed in my window in the middle of the night and forced me to look after you for a week," Remus joked.

"You look after Siris like he a baby?" Nymphadora asked.

"Yes, yes I did," Remus nodded. "He's a big baby, that one."

Nymphadora let out a loud infectious laugh that had everyone in stitches.

"I so funny!" she yelled, grinning from ear to ear.

"Sweetie," Andromeda said. "How about we give Remus some room to breathe."

Remus looked thankful, but Nymphadora grabbed him and hugged him tightly. "I no want to."

"It's okay," Remus said.

"Wemus love me," Nymphadora said to her mother with a proud smile.

Remus glanced sideways at Sirius with a look that clearly said "help".

"So how's the love life?" Andromeda asked Sirius.

Sirius glanced at Remus again and then coughed.

"Oh-OH!" Andromeda exclaimed, glancing between the two of them, and looking thrilled. "Oh, Sirius, Remus. That's… wonderful!"

"Ew, _please_ ," Remus said. "I can do better than _that_."

"Oh," Andromeda said, looking embarrassed. "I didn't meant to- I'm sorry. I just assumed."

"I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back," Sirius said.

"How do you know that's the case?" Ted asked.

"It's pretty obvious," Sirius groaned.

"Have you asked him?" Andromeda asked.

" _HIM?_ " Nymphadora yelled.

"Yes, sweetie. Him."

"But boys can't love boys," she said, confused.

"Actually, sweetheart," Andromeda said. "Anybody can love anybody. Boys can love boys, and girls can love girls, and boys can love girls."

"Really?" Nymphadora asked, looking curious. "That intesting."

Sirius smiled at her and ruffled his hand in her hair. "You're precious, you are."

"Thanks!"

"But no I haven't asked him," Sirius said. "It's just obvious."

"I wouldn't say _that_ ," Remus said.

Sirius looked at him and narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"I may have spoken to him," Remus said.

"You _what_?"

"Ages ago!" Remus said. "I think you might have a chance."

" _WHAT_!"

"What's his name?" Andromeda asked, smiling.

"I can't tell you that," Sirius said.

"Oh come on. I don't even know the guy."

Sirius laughed. Oh how wrong she was.

"Maybe I'll tell you some other time," Sirius said. Andromeda nodded.

"You don't have to," she said. "I was just curious."

"Er, I need to use the bathroom," Remus said. "She's fallen asleep, can someone take her?"

Sirius tried not to laugh at Remus's uncomfortable expression. Ted reached over the table and pulled her away. Remus had to untangle her fingers from his shirt.

Remus thanked him and stood up.

"I think I need the bathroom too," Sirius said quickly, following him.

As soon as they reached the bathroom, Sirius cornered Remus. "You _spoke_ to him?"

"Oh, calm down, Sirius," Remus said. "It's not a big deal. I spoke to him the day you told him your feelings, and it hasn't changed anything."

"Why would you speak to him about it?" Sirius demanded.

"He actually came to me," Remus said defensively. "He was confused. I listened, and spoke to him. Problem?"

"Why would you think he likes me? Did he say anything?"

"I asked him questions and he reacted over-the-top," Remus said. "He got all embarrassed and he was a bit _too_ defensive."

Sirius tried not to smile. It didn't mean anything.

"Then why hasn't he even mentioned it since?" Sirius asked.

"Maybe he's trying not to think about it because he's scared he likes you too," Remus replied. "This is just my opinion anyway. Don't get your hopes up."

Sirius let the grin make its way to his face. He would use all of his Gryffindor courage later and speak to Regulus about it.

* * *

Sirius used the Marauder's Map to find Regulus. He was sitting in the library alone. Perfect. Sirius headed up to the library and sauntered over to his desk, sitting down opposite him without a word. Regulus looked up from the book he was reading and raised his eyebrows at him.

"Yes?" he asked.

_Say it. SAY IT._

"You look so sexy when you're being all studious," Sirius whispered.

He watched in glee as Regulus's cheeks turned bright red, and he slammed his book shut.

" _Sirius_ ," he scolded, looking anywhere but Sirius.

"Did I embarrass you?" Sirius asked, feeling bold. "Because you're even sexier when you get all embarrassed."

"Oh my god, Sirius!" Regulus said, now redder than Sirius had ever seen him.

"Yes?" Sirius smiled.

"Hello to you too!" Regulus said.

"Oh, hey," Sirius said.

"What's gotten into you?"

"I just thought I wouldn't hold back anymore," Sirius said with a shrug. "I'll just be honest about what I'm thinking about."

"This can't be good," Regulus said.

"No, because right now I'm thinking of climbing over this desk and snogging you."

"Oh God," Regulus said, moving his chair back a little bit. "You can't say stuff like that!"

Sirius stood up and moved over to the other side of the table and sat next to him. "Yes I can," he whispered.

" _Sirius_!"

Sirius knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself. He reached over and placed his hand on Regulus's thigh. He heard Regulus's breath hitch in his throat.

"What are you doing?" Regulus whispered.

"Reg," Sirius murmured. "I want you." He moved his hand slowly up Regulus's thigh, watching his face carefully.

Regulus's expression was unreadable. Finally, he grabbed Sirius's hand and pushed it way.

"Let's talk," Regulus said, standing up and staring at the library exit.

"Okay," Sirius grinned. They headed out of the library, and without a word they ended up outside the Room of Requirement. Sirius closed his eyes and the door appeared.

They walked inside. It was identical to how it looked before. Sirius sat down on the sofa and Regulus sat down next to him.

"Sirius, I-" Sirius cut him off by planting a kiss on his lips and then leaning back. "Oh."

Sirius could feel himself blushing. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."

"It's… okay," Regulus said. "I, um. I can't remember what I was going to say now."

"Sorry," Sirius said again. Regulus opened his mouth to speak again, but Sirius couldn't help himself. He leaned in and kissed him again. This time it was longer, and he reached for Regulus's hands and held onto them. Regulus kissed back, much to his surprise. When they broke apart, they were both bright red.

"Um, okay then," Regulus mumbled.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while," Sirius admitted, smiling a little.

"Sirius, I don't know-"

"It's okay, I understand," Sirius said. "I know."

"Let me speak," Regulus said.

Sirius nodded.

"This is really embarrassing," Regulus said. "But I need to tell you. Since the day you admitted your feelings for me, it's been all I can think about. It's been driving me crazy. I have been trying really hard not to think about you in _that_ way, but I can't help it and I feel so mad and disgusted at myself."

Sirius couldn't believe what he was hearing. He didn't want to believe it.

"But I think I want you too," Regulus whispered. "And it scares me."

"Okay, Reg," Sirius said. "Let's leave it at that."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's leave it," Sirius said. "Let's leave it at 'we have feelings for each other' and just see what happens. No need to rush into anything."

"This is wrong, Sirius."

"Did that kiss feel wrong to you?" Sirius asked, smirking at the memory. He saw Regulus blush.

"No," Regulus said quietly. "It was really good."

"Then who cares?" Sirius said. "Who cares about wrong and right? As long as it makes you happy."

"Will you kiss me again, please?"

Sirius didn't need asking twice; he leaned in, wrapping his arms around Regulus and pulling him in closer. Their lips crashed together hungrily as they explored the parts of each other that they had never experienced before. It was like Sirius was intoxicated – all he could feel, hear, taste was Regulus and it made him feel extremely aroused.

They pulled apart, breathing heavy, and stared at each other. Sirius's arms were still around Regulus.

"What goes on in this room stays in this room?" Regulus whispered.

"I like the sound of that, Reg."

"Want to snog again?" Regulus asked, blushing a little.

"Mm, go for it."


	25. Snogging Sessions

It was morning, and Sirius felt achy. His neck was killing him and his left arm was dead. He groaned and opened his eyes, and then it all came back to him. He was still in the Room of Requirement. He had slept on the sofa last night, and Regulus was lying sleeping next to him. He had an arm underneath Regulus and an arm draped over him, holding him close.

He grinned and let out a content sigh. He couldn't believe this was really happening to him. He glanced down at Regulus who was sleeping, and smiled warmly. He looked so calm and peaceful and Sirius just wanted to kiss him.

And now he could.

He leaned down and planted a kiss on Regulus's temple, making the other boy let out a small sound and cuddle in closer to him. Sirius tightened his grip on Regulus and began tracing circles on his back.

He vaguely wondered what time it was. He also dreaded to think what his friends were thinking. They were probably worried about him. He still had the Marauder's Map in his bag.

"Hey Sirius," Regulus mumbled.

Sirius turned his attention to Regulus and smiled once more. He looked so perfect, staring up at Sirius with tired eyes. Sirius felt as though his heart could just leap out of his chest.

"Hey, you," Sirius said.

"Did that really happen yesterday?" Regulus asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yup. We one-hundred percent had a steamy snogging session that lasted all afternoon and night."

Regulus blushed. "Good."

"I wouldn't mind, you know, carrying on where we left off," Sirius said off-handedly, trying to seem uninterested.

Regulus grimaced and shifted in Sirius's arms. "No thanks."

"Aw, why?" Sirius pouted.

Regulus sat up. "Uh, morning breath. Hello?"

"I don't give a crap about morning breath," Sirius said.

"Well, I do," Regulus said quickly. "Shall we meet up here after dinner?"

"Aw, fine," Sirius said. "I'll be thinking about it all day though."

Regulus smiled. "Me too."

"Come on then, mister," Sirius said. "We should probably get going before everybody gets worried about us."

"Alright."

* * *

When they reached the Great Hall, they parted ways. Sirius headed over to the Gryffindor table. His friends stared at him as he sat down and started eating as though nothing was wrong.

"Where have you been?" James asked suspiciously.

Sirius shrugged and gulped down his orange juice.

"Don't just shrug at me," James said. "You look like you just got laid."

Remus spat his drink out of his mouth, covering Sirius in juice.

"You idiot," Sirius said, wiping the juice off of himself.

"I'm sorry," Remus said. "But is that accurate?"

"I didn't get laid," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"Then where have you been all night?" Peter asked. Sirius wished they would stop asking questions. He glanced over at Regulus and smiled. Regulus looked just as uncomfortable – probably dodging questions from his own friends.

"That's a secret," Sirius said.

"Can't keep secrets from me, mate," James said.

"Oh, believe me I can," Sirius replied. "It's you who can't keep them from me. I remember that time you said you were going to Diagon Alley when really you were-"

"-Okay, okay!" James said quickly, flushing.

Sirius noticed Remus and Peter exchanging confused glances.

"But siriusly," James said. "Is there a guy?"

Sirius looked at Remus, who gave him a look that said 'it's up to you'.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, there's a guy."

"Who?" James demanded.

"Why do you want to know?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, is he good enough for you?" James asked. "Is he hot? Do you love him?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You sound like an excited mother."

"Well you live with me now so I do see you as a son," James said.

Sirius snorted. "Merlin help me."

"Don't be rude or you're grounded," James said, smiling a little. "Oh, come on Padfoot. Tell me."

"I can't, sorry," Sirius said. "I'm not ready to tell."

"Hmm," James said. "Well do we need to go through the importance of safe sex?"

"Ew," Remus said, looking horrified. "I don't need to hear this."

"You're just jealous," Sirius said. "But James –  _I_ was the one who taught you about safe sex."

"Do I even want to know how you taught him about safe sex?" Peter asked.

"Well it involved fruit," James said. "He even ate the banana after he showed me to correctly insert my-"

"Okay, I think I've heard enough!" Peter said quickly.

James shook his head at Sirius and laughed. "I should have realised you were gay after you ate the banana."

"It was a nice banana," Sirius said. "Best banana I ever tasted."

"This conversation is getting really wrong," Remus said, standing up. "And we're late to class. Come on."

* * *

Potions was boring. Sirius found his mind wandering to yesterday, and a stupid grin appeared on his face. He was sitting next to Remus, whose eyes narrowed at Sirius's grin.

"What're you grinning about?" Remus whispered.

"Nothing," Sirius whispered back.

"Working with you partner, please brew one of the three potions we just talked about," Professor Slughorn said to the class.

Remus and Sirius were partners. Sirius picked a potion and started brewing it while Remus sat back and watched him suspiciously. When it came to Potions, Sirius did all the work. If Remus tried, he would end up in in the hospital wing.

"Did you... and him…"

"You have to be more specific," Sirius said.

"You and Regulus," Remus whispered.

"Yes? What about us?"

"Did you… were you with him last night?"

"Yes, I was with him," Sirius replied.

" _Sirius_!" Remus almost yelled. "What happened?"

Sirius couldn't help but grin. "Well, we kissed."

"You  _kissed_?" Remus exclaimed, nudging him.

"A lot," Sirius said.

"You must be so happy," Remus said with a smile. "I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Sirius replied. "You are amazing, you know? For not judging me."

"I could never, Sirius," Remus said. "You're my best friend. I want you to be happy and if he makes you happy then so be it. So, you slept with him then?"

Sirius could feel himself going red. He shook his head quickly. "I didn't  _sleep_  with him."

"No, I mean you slept with him. Like, next to him."

"Yeah," Sirius said. "It was amazing."

"So are you two officially together?" Remus asked.

"No," Sirius said quietly. "It's more like we're testing the waters."

"And how are those waters?"

"Very  _very_  good," Sirius said with a satisfied nod. "He's a bloody expert at kissing."

"Nice," Remus said. "Lily's coming."

Sirius looked up to see Lily approaching their desk. She sat down opposite Remus and sighed.

"Remus, I came to apologise," she said quietly. "I was wrong, and out of order."

"It's alright," Remus said. "I can understand it from your perspective."

"I was just hurting," Lily said. "I loved you and it hurt that I couldn't be with you, but I understand that Potter is one of your best friends and I understand that friends come before girls always."

Sirius felt a little awkward, so continued brewing the potion as he pretended not to listen.

"I was silly thinking we could be together," Lily continued. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Lily. Honestly," Remus said. "We'll just be the best of friends."

"Definitely," Lily agreed. "I like that idea."

"It's good to have you back," Remus said. "I need my library buddy."

"Me too," Lily said. "I've been studying with Marlene and she spends the whole time waffling on about Black."

Sirius glared at her. "My name is Sirius."

"Black."

"Evans," Sirius muttered.

"Well," Lily said, turning back to Remus. "I'll see you later. Bye, Remus."

"Bye," Remus said, smiling after her as she walked away.

"What do you see in her?" Sirius asked. "She's rude as hell."

"She's only rude to you because you're rude to her," Remus said. "And besides, I'm kind of getting over her."

"You are?"

"I'm trying," Remus sighed. "It messes with my head, and I can't deal with it. I just want things to be simple."

"Have you and James spoken?" Sirius asked.

"Only one word here and there," Remus said, looking upset.

"I hate seeing you two not talking," Sirius said. "Evans is a bitch."

"Hey, that's not fair," Remus said. "It's not her fault. Besides, I'm sure you're the reason Marlene and Dorcas don't talk anymore. We both know they have massive crushes on you."

"They need to take a hint that I'm not into their kind," Sirius said.

"That's not the point," Remus said. "You're their Lily."

"Ew," Sirius said, grimacing. "For one, I don't have boobs – thank  _god-_ "

"-Yeah that would be pretty weird," Remus said.

"But they'd be kinda fun, actually," Sirius said. "Imagine you could just bounce them around?"

"I worry about you," Remus replied, with a small smile.

Sirius flashed a grin at him and continued with the potion. "Come on, let's get back to work."

* * *

Dinner was a boring affair. Sirius was too excited to go back to the Room of Requirement. He shoved his food down his throat quicker than ever.

"So," James said casually, looking at Sirius. "What did Evans want?"

"She was speaking to Remus, not me," Sirius said.

He watched James nod, and there was an awkward silence. Remus looked as though he'd rather be anywhere else but at the table with James.

"I gotta go," Sirius said, getting up quickly.

"Why?" James asked.

"He's off to get laid, duh," Peter said, speaking for the first time.

"Go for it," James said.

Sirius laughed, shook his head and walked out of the Great Hall. Regulus was leaning against the wall waiting for him.

The way he stood with his arms folded and his hair falling into his eyes, with that smile he did, Sirius just wanted to attack him there and then. Regulus walked over to Sirius.

"Let's go," he said.

When they reached the stretch of wall where the Room of Requirement was, Sirius decided to think of something a little different. He wanted a bed. A double bed. He tried not to blush as he thought of all the things they could get up to in a double bed.

When they opened the door and stepped into the room, Regulus seemed to read Sirius's mind.

"You're not trying to get lucky are you?" he asked.

"Mmm, I'd love to," Sirius said with a smirk, taking Regulus's hand and leading him over to the bed. Boldly, Sirius started to unbutton his shirt. He watched Regulus's eyes trail down to stare at his bare chest.

Sirius shrugged the rest of his shirt off and tossed it on the floor. He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes.

"Kiss me," he ordered.

"That's rude."

"Kiss me now!"

He opened his eyes and felt himself getting turned on as he watched Regulus slowly unbutton his own shirt and throw it away. Next minute, Regulus was straddling him. He leaned down so that his mouth was next to Sirius's ear.

"Make me kiss you," Regulus whispered.

Sirius reached up and pulled Regulus's face closer to his own. Their lips connected like magnets. It was better than he could remember from yesterday. It was so sweet and electrifying.

Sirius didn't want to stop but he could feel his erection in his trousers and knew he should stop. He dug his nails into Regulus's back and with all his strength, rolled over so that Sirius was now on top. He pulled back, and sat up.

Regulus was staring up at him, looking flustered. Sirius could feel how hard Regulus was against him, and he just wanted to thrust into him, but he stopped himself.

"Sirius," Regulus said. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can," Sirius replied, moving a strand of hair out of Regulus's eyes.

"Do you feel guilty?" Regulus asked.

"Not at all," Sirius said. "Do you?"

"A little bit, I guess," Regulus replied. "You're my brother."

"Is it weird that turned me on?" Sirius said quickly.

"What, me reminding you that you're my brother?" Regulus asked, smiling a bit. "Yeah, that's weird."

"I'm a pervert," Sirius nodded.

"Yes," Regulus said. "I feel guilty because I love kissing you."

"Who wouldn't love kissing me?" Sirius pointed out.

"You're so big-headed."

"That's not the only thing that's big," Sirius said, unable to help himself. He watched Regulus's cheeks redden.

"Yeah, I know. I can feel it," Regulus whispered.

"Shall we have another snogging session?" Sirius suggested.

"As if I'd say no," Regulus laughed.

"Oh, I love you," Sirius murmured, leaning down and kissing him once more.

 


	26. Seduction

OWLs came and went far too quickly. Regulus was sure he'd failed most of them, and he dreaded getting his results. Summer holidays started tomorrow, and this would be his first summer away from his parents. He was excited. Not just because he'd be away from his parents but because it would only be him and Sirius.

"I'm worried about you, mate."

Regulus blinked and stopped watching Sirius from across the Great Hall, and turned to Scabior, who was looking at him with a pained expression.

"Why?" Regulus asked.

"You never seem to be with us these days. You're always in another world."

"Oh," Regulus replied awkwardly. Was he really turning into one of those lovesick people he used to cringe at?

"You're blushing. It's a girl."

"Not exactly."

"Yes it is! Who is it?" Scabior asked. "Are you with her or just wishing you were with her?"

"I'm not – neither."

"Come on! You're _with_ her, aren't you?" Scabior said, smirking.

"What do you mean _with_ her?" Regulus asked.

"You know. _With_ her. _Sleeping_ with her."

Regulus laughed. "I'm not sleeping with anyone."

"You barely sleep in the dorm anymore," Scabior said.

"So?"

"Who are you sleeping with?"

"Nobody!" Regulus replied, blushing again.

"The fact that you're blushing like a little girl means you're sleeping with someone."

"That's enough," Regulus said. "I'm not sleeping with anyone. End of discussion."

"But you wish you were," Scabior said, nudging him.

Regulus sighed, and let his eyes wander back to Sirius. Sirius was staring back at him with a smile. He felt as though his heart could jump out of his chest. They seemed to be in some sort of staring connection that was promptly broken by Remus Lupin elbowing Sirius in the ribs and scolding him.

They were probably being too obvious. Regulus stood up and walked out of the Great Hall. He reached the secret corridor behind the kitchens and stood against the wall. He waited.

Sirius's map would lead him straight there. Regulus hastily put a hand through his hair and messed it up a little. Feeling brave, he loosened his tie and undid the top two buttons of his shirt, exposing his chest. He folded his arms and leaned against the stone walls.

It took less than five minutes before he heard footsteps coming towards him. He felt the nerves start to kick in, as they always did. His heart rate picked up and he was in two minds whether to run away or to stay.

Before he could make a decision, Sirius walked around the corner and stopped rooted on the spot. Regulus smiled at him and Sirius shook his head and strode over to him.

"What are you doing to me?" Sirius asked, staring up and down at Regulus hungrily.

Regulus smiled innocently. "I don't know what you mean. It's quite hot in here, isn't it?" he asked, sliding his tie off and tossing it onto the floor. He undid another button and watched Sirius with satisfaction. Sirius seemed to be in some sort of trance.

"Why are you so bloody sexy?" Sirius practically growled at him. "I want you."

"Why don't you show me how much you want me?"

Sirius didn't need telling twice; he lunged forwards and almost crushed Regulus against the wall. His hands pinned Regulus's hands over his head against the wall and their lips crashed together aggressively.

Regulus couldn't move. He didn't think it could get any better until Sirius thrust roughly against him. The electric feeling rolled over his entire body, making him feel weak at the knees. He let himself moan into Sirius's mouth. It was just too good.

Sirius was holding Regulus's hands so tightly, that even with all of his strength, he couldn't pull them away. He was completely in Sirius's control and that turned him on more than anything.

Biting softly on Sirius's bottom lip, Regulus thrust against him hard. This only made Sirius kiss him back more passionately.

They finally broke apart, at the sound of footsteps. Sirius hurried to the other wall, and Regulus hastily grabbed his tie and buttoned up his shirt again. Regulus was very aware that they were both extremely flustered.

The person who walked around the corner was a third-year Hufflepuff. She glanced at Sirius and then at Regulus and timidly walked past them. As soon as she was far enough away, they both let themselves breathe again.

"That was too close," Sirius said. "I can't believe you just did that."

"Did what?"

"Seduced me in the middle of the corridor like that!" Sirius replied, staring Regulus up and down again with lust-filled eyes.

"I like when you look at me like that," Regulus whispered.

"You like it when I stare at you while I think of all the ways I can fuck you?" Sirius replied in a low voice that sent a thrill of pleasure through Regulus's body.

"God, Sirius," Regulus said slowly. "You're driving me crazy here."

"I _want_ you," Sirius said.

"I'm yours," Regulus replied.

"No, Reg," Sirius said. "I mean I _want_ you."

"I know. I'm running out of reasons why we shouldn't."

"There's no reason why we shouldn't," Sirius muttered, leaning in closer to Regulus. The closeness was intoxicating. All coherent thoughts left Regulus's mind and he was screaming at himself to just give in and let Sirius have him.

"I'm – we're – oh – " Regulus's words were cut short as Sirius's lips met his in another kiss. "Mmm."

Sirius pulled back. "You were saying?"

"I, uh-"

"Spit it out," Sirius smirked, brushing the back of his hand over Regulus's cheek.

"We're-"

"-Don't even say 'but we're brothers'," Sirius said, reaching down and grabbing Regulus's erection through his trousers.

"Oh, Sirius," Regulus groaned, thrusting into his hand. "Fuck."

"Because I don't care if you're my brother. I still want to fuck you into oblivion," Sirius whispered, gripping him tighter.

Regulus used all of his self-control to reach down and push Sirius's hand away. "We can't."

Sirius laughed a little and shook his head. " _Why_?" he whined.

"Because," Regulus sighed. "I don't think I'm ready for that."

"But when I say I want to fuck you I don't mean _straight_ away," Sirius said quickly. "I mean we would start slow."

"I know, but-"

"-But _what_ Reg?"

"But once we start doing _that_ , then there's no turning back," Regulus said.

"There's no turning back anyway," Sirius smirked. "I'll never just see you as my little brother anymore after the way you just seduced me."

"Sirius," Regulus hissed, feeling himself blush once more.

"In all siriusness," Sirius said. "Are we done testing the waters?"

Regulus smiled a little and nodded. "Well, I think it's pretty clear that we both have feelings for each other."

"So you're my boyfriend, then?" Sirius said, face lighting up.

Regulus grimaced. "That sounds weird. I can't just start calling you my boyfriend."

"Why not?"

"We're more than that," Regulus replied.

"Lovers," Sirius winked.

"Not yet."

"Soulmates?"

Regulus shook his head with a smile. "No, Sirius. Let's just start with the idea that I'm 'Yours' and you're 'Mine'."

"Fine," Sirius said. "Hi Yours."

"Shush."

"We should go on a date," Sirius said.

"Okay, where?"

"My bed," Sirius smirked.

Regulus raised his eyebrows and whacked his arm. "Enough, Sirius. I don't know why you're so horny today but-"

"-Because you're so sexy."

"Okay," Regulus said, clearing his throat. "Time to say goodbye."

"Come here."

Regulus leaned closer and Sirius pulled him into an embrace. He stared up at Sirius and let himself relax. He was so unbelievably happy. He'd never thought that anybody would ever look at him the way Sirius was looking at him right now.

He felt so loved.

"I love you so much," Sirius mumbled softly, as if on cue. Their lips met in a kiss that lasted a second and then Sirius's arms were no longer around him and he instantly felt lonely.

"I'll see you later," Sirius said, smiling and heading down the corridor.

* * *

The rest of the day went by quickly, and before Regulus knew it, he was saying goodbye to his friends for the summer.

"Are you sure you don't want to go home?" Barty asked.

"I'm sure."

"You're gonna be so bored," Scabior said. "I feel for you."

"I'll be fine," Regulus said. "You guys have a good holiday."

"Good luck for your OWL results," Barty said. "I mean… I don't know why I'm wishing _you_ luck – you can't go wrong. You should be wishing _me_ luck… you practically had to force me to study and oh god, I'm going to fail and—"

"Barty, calm down. I'm sure you've done fine, okay?"

Barty exhaled. "Yes. Definitely. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too," Regulus replied, smiling.

"Bye, Regulus."

"Bye, guys," Regulus replied, as he watched them step onto the Hogwarts Express.

The train departed from the station shortly afterwards, leaving Regulus standing on the platform. He stared after the train and then turned around to see Sirius waving at his friends for as long as he could until they could no longer see him.

He glanced at Regulus, who smiled back.

"Just us now, Reg," Sirius said, when he reached Regulus.

"Yep," Regulus grinned. He knew this was going to be the best summer ever. He glanced around quickly to make sure nobody was there and then took Sirius's hand.

"Let's go," Sirius said, and they headed off to start their summer, hand-in-hand.


	27. Weeks Passing By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! I have writer's block :( Hope you can forgive me!
> 
> And thanks for all the lovely reviews :)

Dumbledore had outdone himself with making them comfortable for the summer holidays. Sirius had just expected they'd be sleeping in a classroom-turned-dormitory for six weeks but when they returned to Hogwarts on the last day of term after saying goodbye to their friends, Dumbledore had shown them to their new home.

It was on the first floor near the professors' quarters. The room was perfect for them. There was a sofa and a table for playing games and doing work. They even had their own bathroom. Dumbledore had told them when the meal times would be, and the house elves would send some food up magically onto their tables at those times.

The only part that wasn't so perfect was the beds. Of course they'd been allocated two single beds. It wasn't long before the beds were shoved together.

It was day three of the summer holidays and Sirius was feeling completely loved-up. He couldn't believe that all those years at Grimmauld Place could have been so much more bearable if they'd realised their feelings sooner.

Either way, they were here together now, and that was all that mattered.

They were sitting on the sofa in their room, Sirius's arm around Regulus, who was reading a Quidditch magazine. Sirius was pretending to read it, but it didn't really interest him. Regulus was reading a particularly boring article called "Polishing Do's and Don'ts – A Guide On How Not To Slip Off The End of Your Broom".

"My lips are feeling lonely, Reg," Sirius whispered.

Regulus turned to face him, and smiled. He leaned closer and planted a quick kiss on Sirius's lips and then went back to reading his article.

"Oh come on, is that all I get?" Sirius pouted.

"Shush, I'm trying to read."

"You're saying  _that_  is more interesting than kissing Sirius Black?"

Regulus shook his head and smiled. "You need to learn to be more modest. We both know you're perfect but you don't have to boast about it all the time."

"Kiss me, then," Sirius said, slowly grabbing the magazine from Regulus's hands and tossing it onto the floor.

Regulus swallowed and found himself being pushed down against the arm of the sofa by Sirius, so now he was lying down with Sirius straddling him. Sirius's arms made a barrier around him with no escape.

"You're so-" His words were cut off by Sirius's lips crashing down onto his own.

Sirius didn't want to let Regulus get his way. Not this time. He would make Regulus forget whatever he was about to say with the most mind-blowing of kisses.

* * *

The rest of the week continued in the same fashion. The two of them trying to get on with their own things but then being unable to resist each other. Every activity ended in relentless kissing. It was like heaven, Sirius thought. And heaven was amazing.

Sirius decided that he wanted to take Regulus out one Tuesday. They woke up and Sirius told Regulus to get ready. They hadn't been out at all yet except to the Hogwarts grounds to sit in the sun.

Sirius led Regulus outside and down the path.

"Where are we going?" Regulus asked.

Sirius smiled. "That would be telling."

"Come on, it's getting annoying now. Just tell me."

"Nope," Sirius grinned. Regulus sighed.

"Fine," he said in defeat.

Soon, they had arrived at the Quidditch pitch, and Sirius told Regulus to wait. He headed inside and picked up a broomstick, and then headed bac out to where he'd left Regulus.

"We're flying?"

"Yes," Sirius said, straddling the broom. "Hop on."

Regulus let out a loud laugh. " _Really_?"

"Yes, really," Sirius replied, but Regulus remained rooted on the spot.

"I'm not letting  _you_  fly us," Regulus said, folding his arms. "If anyone's flying, it'll be me."

"Have you ever seen me fly a broomstick?" Sirius asked.

"Yes!" Regulus said. "You tried to get through a window and ended up hitting the side of the castle and were in the hospital wing for a month!"

Sirius snorted. "Come on – that was just me being dumb. I'm actually quite good on a broom."

"I'll believe it when I see it," Regulus muttered.

"Trust me?" Sirius asked softly, taking Regulus's hand gently. "Please?"

Regulus thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Okay, fine. But if we die I'm blaming you."

"Deal."

Sirius felt Regulus climb onto the broomstick behind him and then two arms wrapped around his body and he instantly felt happier and more relaxed. He lifted off from the ground shakily – he had lied – he wasn't very good at flying broomsticks.

When he reached a good enough height, he started moving forwards. He was pretty terrified – he'd never rode a broom this high before. They were higher than some of the turrets of the castle now, and he tried not to look down.

"We're a bit high, Sirius," Regulus said in his ear.

Sirius scoffed. "I can go as high as I want."

He heard Regulus groan from behind him and then the arms gripped tighter. They flew away from Hogwarts and over the hills and mountains of Scotland. It really was beautiful. He loved the feeling of flying – he didn't do it often because he wasn't that great. But he could see why Regulus loved flying. It was so exhilarating.

"Sirius, you're aiming for a tree," Regulus said in a tone that indicated he was trying not to panic.

Sirius realised that his train of thought had prevented him from noticing that he was in fact moving closer to the ground and heading for a tree. He pulled the broom back to gain height again, and soon enough they were out of harm's way.

It was a little while before Sirius caught sight of buildings and Muggles, and he searched around for somewhere private where they could land.

His eyes landed on grassy area dotted with thick bushes and trees. He decided they'd land in the shrubbery.

The landing was even shakier than the taking off. Sirius was sure he could hear Regulus having a panic attack in his ear. They finally reached the ground and Regulus jumped off as soon as he could.

"I will be flying on the way home," Regulus stated. "That was one of the scariest experiences of my life. You know flying is meant to make you feel good?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed Regulus's hand. "Come on, darling."

"Darling?"

"Yes my love," Sirius winked. He pulled Regulus towards him and kissed him lightly on the lips.

"Sirius, we shouldn't hold hands in public," Regulus mumbled, looking cautiously around at the Muggles.

"I don't care what they think," Sirius replied, gripping Regulus's hand tighter.

"We're brothers."

"They don't know that," Sirius said.

"Sirius," Regulus said. "We  _do_  look like brothers, you know?"

Sirius sighed and stopped, turning to face Regulus. He lifted Regulus's hand up to his mouth and kissed it softly, while staring into his eyes. "I love you, okay? I want to hold your hand and nothing is going to stop me."

Regulus smiled and blushed a little. "Okay, fine."

* * *

It turned out they were in Edinburgh, which was a city in Scotland. This was perfect, and exactly what Sirius had had in mind. He wanted to take Regulus out on a date to a Muggle city.

Sirius watched in amusement as Regulus stared at the Muggles. He stared at them like he wasn't quite sure what to make of them – like a cat seeing a new toy for the first time.

One of the Muggles bumped into him as they walked past and Regulus looked as though he'd just been hit by a bus. He stared after the Muggle with his mouth open, not saying a word.

"What is it, Reg?"

"I haven't really seen Muggles in… you know, their natural habitat. Not like this, anyway," Regulus said, looking around at them in awe.

"Natural habitat?" Sirius asked, trying to keep a straight face. Regulus was so adorably oblivious to the Muggle world and what Muggles did. He wasn't full of hate like the rest of the family, and Sirius was thankful for that.

"Yes," Regulus nodded. "So why'd you bring me here, anyway?"

"It's called a date," Sirius said.

"Oh," Regulus blushed. "A date, huh? Should I have dressed better?"

"No, you look perfect," Sirius whispered. "I just can't get over how perfect you are."

Regulus cleared his throat. "Stop it. It's all lies."

"It's not. I promise you," Sirius said with a smile. "Ooh, let's go into this shop."

Sirius led them into a shop that sold motorbikes. Sirius decided in that moment that he needed to get one. He wasn't even sure why, but he needed one.

"I want that one," Sirius said quickly, pointing at a blue motorbike that was on one of the stands.

"What is it?" Regulus asked, peering curiously at it.

"It's a motorbike," Sirius said. "It goes fast."

"Does it fly?"

"No, it's a Muggle thing," Sirius said. Then he leaned closer to Regulus and smirked. "But it doesn't mean we can't  _make_  it fly."

Regulus grinned. "That sounds like a challenge. Let's get it. How much does it cost?"

Sirius scoffed. Taking out his wand, he discreetly cast a shrinking spell and watched as the motorbike shrunk before his eyes. Absent-mindedly, he dropped his wand and then picked it up along with the shrunken bike.

They headed out of the shop, and soon enough they were sitting in a cosy little restaurant ordering food.

They sat across from each other and Sirius felt a light kick, and then he looked up to see Regulus smirking at him.

"Did you just  _kick_  me?"

"Nope," Regulus smiled.

"You're the only person here," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows. He suddenly felt another kick in the leg. "Now that was you."

"Prove it," Regulus said playfully. He smiled and Sirius just wanted to grab him right there and then and kiss him forever.

"I love you," Sirius whispered, staring right into Regulus's eyes. Regulus smiled and looked down.

"You're too sweet," Regulus said. "Ooh, look – our food is coming."

Sure enough, the waiter brought their food to them and they began to dig in. Sirius wasn't too sure how he was going to pay for this meal. He didn't have Muggle money. He put the thought aside as he ate his spaghetti. It was one of the nicest meals he'd ever had.

And that was mainly because he had Regulus sitting right across from him looking absolutely amazing.

He couldn't be happier.

* * *

A few hours later and a few quick escapes from various Muggle establishments where they hadn't paid, and Sirius and Regulus were ready to go home. They reached where they'd left the broomstick, and Regulus picked it up hastily. He gestured for Sirius to climb on behind.

Sirius did so, and soon enough they were flying through the sky back towards Hogwarts. The journey was, admittedly, much smoother this time around. Sirius loved it. He could just sit there and hold onto Regulus.

 _Oh no_ , Sirius thought, as he felt himself getting aroused by being so close to Regulus. He knew that soon enough Regulus would be able to feel him pressing against him. There was nothing he could do but sit there and hope Regulus wouldn't mind.

And it happened. Regulus noticed it.

"You're... is that really… you're turned on, Sirius," Regulus said.

Sirius coughed to hide his embarrassment. "Well I am all pressed up against you. Can you blame me?"

"Well you better turn yourself off, because you know I'm not ready for that yet," Regulus said.

"I know," Sirius whined. "It's so devastating."

"You're so dramatic," Regulus laughed.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No," Regulus said softly. "I love it."

Sirius smiled and pressed his cheek against Regulus's back as they continued their journey.

* * *

The next couple of weeks consisted of them trying to make the motorbike fly. They spent hours upon hours in the library – something that Sirius never did.

They were finding it difficult to hide what they were doing from Dumbledore, so they could only spend a couple of hours per day researching.

When they weren't researching, they were kissing.

And when they weren't kissing or researching, they were sleeping. It was pretty simple.

Sirius had received owl upon owl from James asking him to come and visit for a week, and he'd brought the subject up with Regulus only to get shut down very quickly.

He sat on the sofa one morning, with James's fifth owl asking to come and visit in his hand. Regulus was sitting at the table studying.

"So," Sirius said casually. "I was thinking about going to James's house."

Regulus looked up from his work and shook his head. "Don't leave me."

"It'll only be a week," Sirius said. "I haven't seen him in ages and he really wants me to come and visit. You'll be okay for a week."

"I don't want you to go," Regulus said. "Please?"

"He's my best mate."

"I'm your," Regulus said, pausing to think of what he'd say next. "Your-"

"You're my everything, yes," Sirius nodded. "But there's no discussion. I'm going."

"You're not going."

"Reg, what's gotten into you?" Sirius asked, feeling annoyed.

"You spend all year with him, and you can't even spend this time with me without missing him?" Regulus asked, voice getting more aggressive.

"Are you  _jealous_?" Sirius asked in shock.

Regulus folded his arms and frowned. "Should I be?"

"Of course not!"

"Then stay with me," Regulus said desperately. "Please, I don't want to – I mean – I  _can't_  be alone."

"You can," Sirius said, standing up and heading towards him. Regulus stood up so that they were standing face-to-face.

"If you leave me I'll – I just can't – why would you?"

"I can't believe this is even an issue!" Sirius said angrily. "You're  _really_  getting mad at me for wanting to visit my best friend?"

"So I'm pathetic now?" Regulus asked. "Thanks."

"I never said that."

"You meant it," Regulus accused. "But fine, go."

"Reg," Sirius said. "I don't want you to be upset. What's the problem?"

"Just  _go_!" Regulus yelled. "You made your decision."

"I don't want to leave you like this," Sirius said. "Something's obviously wrong. You would never normally react this way."

"I said  _go_ ," Regulus hissed. "I don't want you here."

"But you just practically begged me not to go," Sirius said, feeling thoroughly confused.

"Well I don't want you here anymore," Regulus said, turning around and heading to the bedroom and slamming the door behind him.

Sirius wasn't sure what to make of what had just happened. It was like how his friends described girls. Confusing as hell.

As much as he wanted to comfort Regulus and find out what was making him act so strange, he really wanted to see James again.

He grabbed a piece of parchment from the table and scribbled down a message.

' _Reg,_

_I love you. Don't be mad. I'll be back in a few days._

_Love, Sirius'_

He left the piece of parchment somewhere that Regulus would find it and headed out of the room and to Dumbledore's office.

When Dumbledore emerged, Sirius asked him if he could floo to the Potter's house. Dumbledore smiled and handed him the floo powder. He'd try to enjoy this week without thinking about the dispute he and Regulus has just had.

He was engulfed in green flames and then he was staring at his bespectacled best friend who grinned at him.

"Hey, man."

"Good to see you."


	28. Nightmares

Being alone at Hogwarts was the worst thing that Sirius could have possibly inflicted on Regulus. Regulus wasn't mentally ready to be left alone. Surrounded by people, Regulus felt alright. He felt safe. But alone, without all of that, he felt vulnerable.

All these crazy thoughts kept coming into his head. What if his family found out that he was alone? What if they came to Hogwarts? What if they got hold of him and dragged him back? What if they forced him to join the Death Eaters?

Regulus shivered against the window he was staring out of. He  _needed_  Sirius. He couldn't deal with this.

 _It's only a week_ , he told himself constantly. But every second felt like an eternity. He spent all day staring out of the window. That way he'd be able to see if someone was coming for him.

Hours passed by. He sat in silence. The only company he had was his negative thoughts. They gnawed at him and buried themselves deep in his brain. Soon enough they were all he could think of.

Every cloud looked like a puff of smoke that would reveal a Death Eater.

Every rustle of a tree looked like someone had just apparated.

Every sound made him jump.

He tried to keep his mind off of it. He thought about Sirius. Sirius who was probably having the time of his life with James Potter. Regulus felt anger bubble up inside him.

Potter didn't need Sirius to be with him as much as  _he_  did. Couldn't Sirius see that?

He understood that James Potter was Sirius's best friend but couldn't he just wait till school started again, so that Regulus would have others to make him feel safe?

He squinted as he spotted something coming closer. His heart rate picked up, and then dropped back down when he realised it was only Sirius's owl. He sighed and opened the window to let the owl in.

Regulus took the letter and opened it.

' _Regulus,_

_I'm sorry about how we left things yesterday. You must have realised that you were being a bit unreasonable though. I'm sure you're perfectly fine._

_Anyways, James and I are doing more research for the bike and we think we've figured it out! I have the bike with me and we're about to test it flying for the first time. Pretty cool, huh?_

_I'll let you know how it goes._

_How are you doing? I miss you loads already. It's weird not having someone next to me in bed. I miss cuddling you._

_Anyways, James is trying to beat me up so I should go._

_I love you,_

_Sirius'_

Regulus felt even angrier. Sirius thought he was "perfectly fine"? Oh, how wrong he was. And Sirius had taken  _their_  project – the project they'd spent  _weeks_  on – to James  _bloody_  Potter and Regulus wouldn't even be one of the first people to fly the bike?

Gritting his teeth, he ripped the letter to shreds and flung the remains across room.

"Go," Regulus commanded the owl, opening the window again. He wasn't replying. Sirius would have to suffer the consequences of leaving him like this.

* * *

Regulus tossed and turned in his sleep that night. The bed was far too big for him. At about 2am, he got up and pushed the beds apart so that they were back to two single beds. He got back into his bed and lay awake for another hour before finally drifting off to sleep.

"I'm back, Reg," Sirius said. Regulus sat up tiredly and blinked in the darkness. He could see Sirius standing there in the doorway, looking sad.

"What are you doing here?" Regulus asked in confusion. "I thought you were going for a week?"

Sirius stepped forwards and took in the two beds split apart. "You moved the beds apart?"

"Yes. What are you doing here?"

He heard Sirius sigh, and then the bed dipped down as Sirius was sitting next to him. "You didn't reply to my letter. I was worried."

"I didn't reply because I'm angry at you," Regulus said. "You didn't have to come all the way here to check on me."

"I came for another reason," Sirius said, his tone changing.

"What's that?"

"I want you to know how sorry I am-" Sirius said.

"-Sorry about  _what_?" Regulus asked, heart thumping loudly. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"I didn't do it on purpose," Sirius continued quickly. "Please know that."

"Spit it out, Sirius," Regulus said.

"I was missing you," Sirius said. "And James – he was there – I just – It was only one kiss."

Regulus felt like his heart had stopped. He didn't know what to say. He could only stare at Sirius with what? Hate, anger, pain?

His bottom lip wobbled against his will and the tears broke through like a waterfall. This couldn't be happening.

He knew he shouldn't have let Sirius leave. He  _knew_  it.

But it was too late, and now Sirius was already falling in love with somebody else.

Someone who was much better for him. Potter was strong, and he was brave. Potter had more in common with Sirius, and they weren't brothers. It wasn't wrong.

Regulus used all his strength to lift his hand up and shove Sirius back off the bed. Then, he lay back down on his bed and pulled the covers up above his head.

"Leave me alone," he yelled through strangled sobs.

"Reg, I'm sorry."

"I said  _leave_!" Regulus cried, sitting back up again. Sirius was gone.

It was no longer dark. Regulus still had tears rolling down his cheeks, but it had all just been a dream. No, a nightmare.

He blinked a couple of times and swallowed. He wiped the tears from his eyes and let out a sigh of relief.

But it had felt too real, and that scared Regulus more than anything.

He knew he wasn't getting anymore sleep so he got up and headed back to his window.

* * *

A couple of days passed, and Regulus had nightmare after nightmare just like the one he'd had on the first night. It was unsettling. These horrible doubts in his head were feeling more like the truth with every day that passed.

Sirius's owl emerged again, with another letter. He never replied to the first letter. He wondered what Sirius would be writing to him. He found himself terrified of reading it.

With shaky hands, he opened the letter and began reading.

' _Reg,_

_What's wrong? You never replied. Don't tell me you're still annoyed with me? If you are, I'm sorry. I'll be home tomorrow._

_Anyway, you won't believe what I got the other day. James and I were bored so we started searching around in the basement in his house for cool things and we found the best thing ever! It's a pair of mirrors that you can talk to each other through. You look into the mirror and you can see the other person through their mirror._

_The motorbike is perfect. Flies very smoothly. Well, when James flies it it goes smoothly. I'm pretty bad at flying, as you know. Guess bikes and brooms aren't that different really. James is giving me flying lessons._

_How's Hogwarts? And how are you? Please reply this time. It's been torture not hearing from you. You're my everything._

_Lots of love,_

_Sirius'_

Every time Regulus read the name 'James' he felt like throwing up. He was jealous. He could admit that. And he was probably unjustified in being jealous, but he couldn't help it. Sirius had kissed James once before, surely he could do it again. He must have had some sort of attraction to do it the first time.

And why was  _Potter_  teaching Sirius how to fly when everyone knew that Regulus was the better flier?

He was about to shut the window, but then he saw another owl heading for him. He didn't recognise this one, and for a fraction of a second he was terrified it was from the Ministry and that it would force him to go home.

He grabbed the letter, and he almost threw it away when he saw the wax seal. It had the Ministry of Magic seal on it.

Breathing in and out slowly, he cautiously began opening the letter.

' _ **ORDINARY WIZARDING LEVEL RESULTS**_

 **Pass Grades: Outstanding (O)**  
Exceeds Expectations (E)  
Acceptable (A)

 **Fail Grades: Poor (P)**  
Dreadful (D)  
Troll (T)

_**REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK HAS ACHIEVED:** _

**Ancient Runes - O**  
**Astronomy - E**  
 **Care of Magical Creatures - O**  
 **Charms - O**  
 **Defence Against the Dark Arts - E**  
 **Herbology - E**  
 **History of Magic - A**  
 **Potions - O**  
 **Transfiguration - E'**

It was his O.W.L results, and he'd done… good. Actually really good. He had passed every subject. He allowed himself to smile for a minute at his results. Considering the fact that he'd been through the toughest year, he had managed to get back on track with his work.

He wondered for the first time all summer what his friends were doing. He wondered how their results were.

And now he had to think of which subjects he would carry on in his final two years at Hogwarts. As a N.E.W.T student, he would get to choose between taking one to five classes that he had passed at his Ordinary Wizarding Level.

He already knew he'd definitely carry on with Potions and Care of Magical Creatures. He considered taking Ancient Runes again because he enjoyed that, and perhaps Charms because he got an O in it.

He knew it was something he'd have to think about, but he was glad it gave him something a little different to think about.

The rest of the day went by relatively quickly, and soon enough he was getting into bed again. He tossed and turned and tried to put off going to sleep because he knew he'd be forced to have another nightmare about Sirius cheating on him.

He fought off sleep for as long as he could but it inevitably won, pulling him into another awful nightmare.

* * *

Regulus awoke to the sound of a door shutting. Sirius must have arrived back. He could hear talking coming from the other room. Regulus slowly got up and headed out to the front room to see who Sirius was talking to.

Sirius was standing by the door holding a mirror in front of him with a massive grin on his face.

"It's so cool. I never thought it'd work so long-range like this. It's like you're right in front of me."

"I can almost touch your stubbly chin," James Potter replied through the mirror.

Sirius sniggered and then looked up and noticed Regulus standing watching him. "Oh, I have to go. See ya!"

"Bye," Potter said.

Sirius hastily tucked his mirror away and then smiled at Regulus. "I'm back!"

"I can see that."

Sirius headed over to him to pull him into a hug, but Regulus stepped back before he could. Looking a little stung, Sirius frowned.

"What's wrong?"

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "I have had the worst week of my life. Thanks for that."

"It couldn't have been that-"

"-Shut up," Regulus said, cutting him off. "It  _was_  bad. I wouldn't be saying this if it hadn't been."

"I don't understand," Sirius said, glancing at the floor which was littered with the pieces of his ripped up letter. "Why was it the worst week ever?"

"You wouldn't understand," Regulus muttered. "But you should trust me when I say I can't be here without you."

"Help me understand, then," Sirius said softly, looking concerned.

"I'm not… emotionally stable," Regulus sighed. "It's hard to be alone. I haven't left this room all week. I'm terrified."

"Reg," Sirius said, stepping closer. "I'm so sorry."

"It's too late for that. I'm a mess at the moment, thanks to you."

"James is my friend. I wanted to see him," Sirius said. "I didn't know it would upset you."

Regulus clenched his fists by his side and then unclenched them. "Yeah," he muttered, not knowing what else to say.

"What's your problem with him?" Sirius asked. "I refuse to believe this is you just being sad about being alone."

" _Sad_?"

"Yes, sad."

"I'm not sad, Sirius," Regulus said angrily. "I'm  _losing it_!"

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, reaching forwards. Regulus slapped his hand away.

"You  _really_  want to know?"

"Yes, I do."

"Every single night I woke up after having nightmares about you and  _Potter_ ," Regulus yelled hysterically. "You cheating on me with him, and you realising you love him."

Sirius could only laugh, which made Regulus even angrier.

"Why are you  _laughing_?" he asked through gritted teeth. He couldn't believe Sirius was finding this funny. This was anything but funny.

"Because you're being ridiculous!" Sirius practically shouted. "Don't you see that?"

"You've kissed him before," Regulus said.

"That was ages ago," Sirius said. "That was a long time before we were even thinking of each other."

Regulus couldn't think of anything to say. He didn't need to explain his feelings.

"You're feeling insecure," Sirius stated. "I don't know why. You know I love you."

"If you loved me, you would have stayed with me!"

"It's not my fault you're having stupid nightmares about something that will never happen," Sirius said. "I can't believe you're mad at me for what you're dreaming about!"

"I'm mad at myself, okay!" Regulus shouted back. "For not being more like that idiot. You two would make a much better couple than you and I. I'm useless. You're the only person that cares about me and even  _you_  left me to be with someone else."

"Oh, stop wallowing in self-pity," Sirius said. "Stop it."

"You don't know how it feels to be me. You don't understand."

"Yeah, I don't know how it feels to be a stupid Slytherin who thinks the world revolves around him," Sirius spat.

Regulus flinched. "Is that what you think of me?"

Sirius sighed. "Of course not, but right now you're acting like that."

"The one time I'm letting you know exactly how I feel, and you accuse me of thinking the 'world revolves around me'. Wow," Regulus said. "Wow."

"Stop it!" Sirius said, sounding exhausted. "Can we just go back to how things were?"

"No, we can't. Because I know I'll go to sleep tonight with another nightmare because you left me," Regulus yelled.

He could see the anger in Sirius's eyes but he still jumped when Sirius fist made contact with the wall behind him. "You know what, Reg? I don't give a shit anymore. Do what you want!"

"So you don't care about me?"

"You can cry yourself to sleep tonight for all I care. I know I'm not in the wrong."

"Fine," Regulus said angrily. He blinked the tears out of his eyes while shoving past Sirius towards the door.

"Wait, Reg – come back," Sirius said quickly.

Regulus wasn't having it. He stormed down the corridor without even a glance back. He heard Sirius running behind him so he began running. He didn't want Sirius to catch him. He couldn't hear another hurtful word come from Sirius's mouth.

He hurried down the stairs towards the dungeons, Sirius's footsteps echoing off the walls loudly.

When he finally reached the Slytherin common room, he quickly uttered the password and the door opened. He managed to slam the door shut just as Sirius reached him.

He was safe.

The moment he was completely away from Sirius's eyes, he broke down in tears, falling to the ground.

He didn't know why he was being so emotional, but he couldn't help it. He had some deep-rooted issues, and some of the words Sirius had just said to him had cut through him like a knife.

He hated this feeling. He hated feeling this way all of the time. So scared, so lonely. So lost.

He wanted to be numb.

His sobs were getting louder and more violent and he was so glad that Sirius couldn't hear him. He wanted it all to stop and for him to feel normal again.

He finally stood up. He heard a clatter and looked down to see that his wand had fallen out of his pocket. He reached down to pick it up and then headed to the sofa.

He twirled the wand around in his hands for a while as he thought about everything that had just happened. Every small memory of the argument clenched at his heart a little bit until soon he felt as though he was suffocating again.

He thought very briefly of obliviating himself but then pushed the thought away quickly.

He sighed and headed upstairs to his dormitory. It was only early but all Regulus wanted to was to curl up in bed and go to sleep.

He got underneath the covers and placed his wand on the bedside table. Closing his eyes, he prayed for a dreamless sleep.

* * *

"Regulus, we need to talk."

"Yes?"

"We kissed again. James and I," Sirius said.

"Oh." Regulus felt his heart break.

"It's all your fault actually. You messed me up with that argument. James was there for me. He loves me."

"I'm sorr-"

"-You  _should_  be sorry," came another voice, and James Potter emerged. "Sirius is mine now. You broke him."

"I didn't mean to – Sirius, I'm so sorry!"

"Regulus, it's over. Just promise me one thing?"

Regulus couldn't speak – he just nodded.

"Don't join the Death Eaters after going back to live with mum and dad. Fight it," Sirius said.

"Back with them?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said. "They're coming to take you home now. Look."

Regulus turned around quickly and he realised he was standing outside and his parents were running towards him wands ablaze.

Regulus turned back to face Sirius, feeling terrified. When he turned, all he could see was Sirius and James tangled together in a kiss.

He wanted to throw up. He wanted to die.

He woke up in a panicked state. It must have been the middle of the night now. He was sweating and shivering all at once and he felt like he was about to explode from all of the thoughts in his head.

He sat up quickly, trying to keep his breathing even. He knew he was breathing far too fast and far too loud.

His hand grabbed blindly in the dark for his wand. He found it and picked it up.

"Lumos," he said, lighting up the empty dormitory. He started to cry again and this time it wouldn't stop. He was a complete mess.

He wasn't even sure if he could come back from this.

Especially after what he was about to do.

Slowly, carefully, he raised his wand and pointed it to his pale scarred wrist.

"Forgive me, Sirius," he whispered through his tears. "Sectumsempra."

The pain broke through everything and for a moment he was completely numb. His blood looked black in the wandlight. It was sort of symbolic, like the darkness that had taken over him was being bled out.

He let out a sigh of relief as the familiar feeling took over and he felt back in control of himself for the first time in a week. It was the greatest feeling.

He pointed his wand and slashed his wrist just above his other laceration. All of his emotions dissipated and turned into pain as he bled onto the bed sheets.

He headed to the bathroom after a few minutes and washed his wrist. He covered up his cuts and headed back to bed.

With a smile on his face, he went back to sleep. This time he slept through without a single nightmare.


	29. More Secrets

After a couple of awful days alone pacing around Hogwarts, Sirius was relieved that it was the first day of term. His friends would be coming back soon, and he would finally be able to let off some steam in a healthier way than punching walls and throwing his pillow across the room.

He hadn't seen Regulus at all since their argument. The day of their argument he'd sat outside the Slytherin common room shivering from the cold for hours upon hours until at last he finally gave in and stumbled up to his own common room. His skin covering his knuckles was broken and bleeding and probably unfixable by the following morning, and over the next couple of days it only got worse.

He was _so_ angry. Not just with Regulus, but with himself. He wished more than anything that he could take back the horrible things he'd said. He knew he was right, but he also knew that Regulus _was_ emotionally unstable and his words could be lethal.

Sirius paced back and forth in front of the doors in the entrance hall. His legs were getting tired and his brain hurt from all the thinking.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doors opened, and students came flooding into Hogwarts. Sirius moved to the side and tip-toed so that he could find his friends. When he spotted them, he dived into the crowd of students and emerged between Remus and Peter with a relieved grin.

"Sirius!" Peter exclaimed in surprise. "Where'd you come from?"

"I've missed you guys," Sirius said.

* * *

Dinner went quickly. Sirius was so busy catching up with James, Remus and Peter that he forgot to look for Regulus. When he finally looked, Regulus had already finished his food and was sitting silently waiting for Dumbledore's speech. He looked very pale and very skinny and very sombre. Sirius's heart ached just looking at him, but he knew that this would not be the time or place to speak to Regulus.

It turned out that James and Remus were finally talking again after all of their problems regarding Lily. Remus had acquired a girlfriend over the holidays by the name of Sarah. She was a muggle, and he admitted he was probably just using her to get over Lily.

Dumbledore's speech was short, and soon enough they were in their dormitory passing around the sweets. It was their annual tradition to stay up late on their first day of term talking.

"James, why didn't you tell us you'd been made Head Boy?" Remus asked.

James shrugged, ears going pink.

"Yeah, we had to find out from Dumbledore announcing it," Sirius pointed out.

James glared at him and snapped, "well, maybe if you actually _used_ your mirror, you'd have known."

Sirius sighed. "Sorry," he said. "I've been… well, preoccupied."

"Yes, I can see," James said, staring pointedly down at Sirius's bandaged knuckles.

"Yeah, what happened to your knuckles anyway?" Peter asked, his mouth filled with sweets.

"Nothing."

"I'd say you couldn't handle being stuck babysitting your idiot brother all summer so you finally gave him the punch he deserved," James said.

Sirius gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. _I will not get mad, I will not get mad._

"Hey, that's enough," Remus said quickly. "That's his brother. Don't talk about him like that."

"I'm sorry, but if he's the reason Sirius has been so annoyed then he deserves a punch!" James said.

"He's not the reason," Sirius lied through gritted teeth. "Just forget it."

"Are you okay, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"Yeah. Fine. Going to bed. Night."

Sirius got up and headed to his bed, drawing the curtains before his friends could say a word, and falling asleep in an instant.

* * *

It wasn't until Sirius was in charms practicing a particularly difficult new spell that Remus managed to speak to him. Remus had been trying to get a word in all morning but Sirius had avoided him. Now they were partners in Charms and Sirius had no escape.

"Want to tell me what happened?" Remus asked.

"There's nothing to tell."

"Oh come on," Remus said. "What're the bandages for?"

"I punched a wall," Sirius replied. "Several times."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "You punched a wall?"

"Yep."

"Okay," Remus said, pausing for a moment to pick out his words. "Why?"

"Because I did, okay?"

"Sirius…"

"I was angry," Sirius said.

"Is it Regulus?" Remus asked quietly.

Sirius sighed and nodded. "He's mad at me."

"Why?" Remus asked.

"Because I went to visit James and left him alone. Apparently it was the worst week of his life and has emotionally damaged him or some crap, and now he's having nightmares that I cheat on him with James or something dumb like that."

Remus looked a little confused. "Why would he be dreaming about that?"

"I have no idea! I was really mad at him when he told me this, and I said some horrible things to him, and he ran away and locked himself in his common room and I never saw him until last night at dinner."

Remus sighed and placed a comforting hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, there's-" Sirius paused and bit his lip in thought. "-Actually, yes. Any chance you can have a word with him in your prefect's meeting tonight?"

"Sirius, unless I get paired with him-"

"Well, James is Head Boy now," Sirius said. "Ask him to pair you up."

Remus laughed. "Don't you think James will be a little suspicious of why I want to be paired with your brother?" Remus looked a little awkward and coughed. "I mean your… er…"

"He's my brother," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Just because we're other things doesn't stop him from being my brother."

"Er, right. Of course," Remus smiled. "Anyway, what shall I say to James?"

"I don't know, okay. I just want you to talk to him. He listens to you. Tell him he's being unreasonable, please?"

"I can't promise anything apart from that I'll try," Remus said.

"That's all I ask," Sirius said with a smiled. "Thanks, Remus."

"No problem."

* * *

It was six o'clock, and Sirius was sitting in the Gryffindor common room alone with only his parchment and quill as company. He dipped his quill in the ink and started writing.

_Dear Regulus_

He scrunched his parchment up and threw it into his bag, pulling out a new one. His hand hovered over the parchment and then he began writing once more.

_Regulus,_

_It's me. Sirius._

Sirius sighed and ripped his parchment in half, pulled out a new one and started again.

_Reg,_

_I don't even know where to begin. I just want you to be okay, and to be happy. I hope you're not unhappy because of me._

Again, Sirius scrunched up the parchment and threw it away.

_Regulus,_

_It's Sirius. I want you to know that I'm so so sorry about what was said that day. I didn't mean a word of it. I love you._

Sirius gritted his teeth and tossed the parchment aside.

_Reg,_

_I hope you're okay. There are some things I'd like to tell you. No, things that I_ need _to tell you._

Sirius ripped it in half.

_Regulus,_

_I love you. Just know that, okay?_

He was about to continue but he caught sight of James heading his way so scrunched up the parchment and tossed it into his bag, wiping away the tears that were in his eyes with his sleeve.

"Hey," James said, taking his seat opposite Sirius.

"Hi."

"Look, about last night. I'm sorry," James said. "I didn't mean to act that way."

"It's fine."

"So what happened to your knuckles anyway?" James asked.

Sirius sighed. "Not now, James. Please?"

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Huh?" Sirius was confused.

"Your boyfriend. You and him having some problems?"

"Yeah."

"Are you going to tell me who he is yet?" James asked, with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"I can't," Sirius said, frustrated. He hated the fact that he couldn't tell his best friend about it, but he knew that James wouldn't understand.

"I don't get why you can't tell me. I thought we had a level of trust, man."

"We do," Sirius said. "But – okay, look at the way you reacted to me being gay. You can understand why I'm wary of telling you things."

"I just needed time to adjust. I wasn't accustomed to hanging around a gay dude."

"Yes, you were!" Sirius said. "I was gay that entire time, you just didn't know it. That's why I can't tell you. You don't understand that once I tell you, I will be the same person I've always been. The only difference will be that I'd have told you something and you won't see me the same anymore."

"Wow," James said. "You haven't even told me, and you automatically assume that I'll react badly."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. The only person who should feel sorry is me. I feel sorry for you – for the fact that you're dating someone who must be so bad for you that you're afraid of telling your _best friend_."

Sirius smiled sadly and nodded. "Spot on, James."

"So why are you with him, if you know that he's bad for you?"

"I can't tell you."

"Too many secrets, Sirius.

"I'm sorry," Sirius repeated. "The time just isn't right."

"Mm, never is." James stood up. "I'll see you later. Got to speak with Lily about the prefect meeting tonight."

"See ya."

Sirius waited for James to reach Lily at the other side of the common room before trying to write his letter again.

But he had a horrible feeling heavy in his chest following his conversation with James. He had a feeling he was about to lose someone close to him, but he just wasn't sure who.


	30. Reasons For Feeling Guilty

Regulus was the first prefect to arrive in the charms classroom – the room where they held their meetings. He sat at the desk in the corner and slouched back in his seat, drumming his fingers on the table impatiently. He wanted to be back in his dormitory. He wanted to be able to relieve himself once more from the pain that was seeping in. It was like a dam ready to burst, and he needed to mend it before the damage was irreparable.

He closed his eyes and tried to think of happy things. He thought of Quidditch and his OWL results, and the fact that he was away from his family.

Regulus shivered a little as his family entered his train of thought. He desperately tried to push the subject away, but like a plague it pushed back relentlessly. Each of their faces swam before him in his tears and each teardrop that fell reminded him of a time one of them yelled at him, or hit him, or worse.

He shook his head. He couldn't do this. Not here. The last tear fell, and landed on the desk in front of him. He always reserved his last teardrop for the person that had hurt him the most. This teardrop was for Sirius.

The door opened and the other prefects flooded in. Regulus hastily wiped his eyes and sat up, pretending all was well. Seconds later, everybody was seated. A fifth year Hufflepuff girl sat next to Regulus. He was not looking at her, but he could see from the corner of his eyes that she was beaming at him.

He glanced at her and she hurriedly turned away, turning pink. He rolled his eyes. He couldn't be dealing with crushes.

"Don't waste your time," Regulus muttered.

She looked a little confused. "A-are you talking to me?" she stuttered, blushing further.

"Yes."

"Oh," she smiled.

"I mean it. I'm not interested," Regulus said. "Find someone your own age, and your own House."

"Oh," she mumbled, blinking fast but failing in concealing her tears. Regulus watched the girl fall apart in front of him and a tiny part of him revelled in it. It was nice to see someone else hurting for once, instead of his own face in the mirror. He smiled, and then instantly regretted it, realising how selfish he was being. He couldn't hurt someone else just to feel better.

He looked away, and luckily Lily Evans began speaking, so his thoughts turned to her words instead of his guilty conscience.

"Hello, everybody," she said nervously. "Welcome to the first prefect meeting of the year. As you know, I am the new Head Girl and James is the new Head Boy."

James Potter, who was slouched against the desk behind her, stood up and waved sheepishly to the others.

Regulus tried very hard not to look at Potter. Just looking at him made Regulus feel sick.

"So, we'll get right into it then," Evans said. "Any queries or suggestions, you know where to find us. James, I'll leave it to you to allocate."

"Er, allocate?"

"Yes. Pair them up and allocate them to an area of Hogwarts to patrol."

"Oh," Potter said. "Er, okay. Katie and Derek – main corridors. Gilderoy and Aaron – boat house. Remus and Regulus – astronomy tower-"

Regulus tuned out. Potter's voice was making him angry anyway. He was glad he was paired with Remus. The two understood each other.

When Potter finally stopped droning on, everybody got up to find their partners and head to their allocated areas.

Remus found Regulus before Regulus had even stood up.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

"Come on, let's go."

* * *

They reached the astronomy tower and Remus headed towards the balcony. He stared across the Black Lake peacefully. Regulus followed him, folding his arms on the railing and staring out into the night. It was beautiful.

The stood for a while in silence, until Remus's voice ruined the tranquillity.

"How are you holding up, Regulus?"

Regulus didn't look at him. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"Well," Remus said, somewhat carefully. "Sirius isn't holding up too good."

Regulus closed his eyes and sighed. "You want to talk about Sirius?"

"Yes."

"Well I'd rather not," Regulus replied. "Let's just talk about something else."

"Okay," Remus said calmly. Regulus glanced at him to see he was smiling a little. "What's your favourite subject?"

Regulus laughed.

"I'm serious."

"Um, let's see," Regulus said. "Care of Magical Creatures."

Remus nodded. "Good subject. Why do you like it?"

"I like the animals."

It was Remus's turn to laugh. "That's only because you're not handling the dangerous ones."

Regulus nodded. "I guess. But I'd love to."

"You want to be a Magizooligist?" Remus asked.

"I'd love to. Or maybe a Healer. But I'd rather be a Magizooligist. I'm interested in magical creatures. The dangerous kind."

"You're saying you'd be excited to come across a Lethifold, or a Dragon?" Remus asked.

"I'd love to study them," Regulus said.

"You're not scared?"

"I'm standing right next to a werewolf and I'm not scared," Regulus said before he could stop himself. He mentally kicked himself. "I mean-"

Remus had gone very pale. "He told you."

"I-no. Of course not. I figured it out myself," Regulus said quickly.

This only made Remus go whiter.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anybody," Regulus said. "And don't worry. I'm very perceptive. More perceptive than most people. I doubt anybody else would figure it out."

"Thank you," Remus said quietly, avoiding eye contact. "I mean, for not hating me."

Regulus smiled. "It's okay."

"Now, let's stop putting it off and talk about Sirius."

Regulus didn't have time to protest before Remus thrust a piece of parchment into his hand.

"What's this?" Regulus asked.

"Just read it, Regulus."

With shaky hands, Regulus unfolded the parchment.

' _Reg,_

 _I suck at writing letters. I suck_ really _bad, actually. Especially apology letters. Or love letters. This is a bit of both._

_I love you, Reg. I love you more than anybody could possibly love anyone else. I am a dramatic person. Everything I do, I do with all of my heart and my energy. I love you with all of my heart._

_But you know that. You know me really well. You know I say stupid things without thinking, and I'm so sorry. I am trying to change. It's a weakness, and all it does is hurt you, which is the worst thing I could possibly do. I'm sorry, Reg. Truly sorry._

_You are the strongest person I have ever had the privilege of knowing. You have fought and struggled, and you've come so far. You have overcome obstacles that seemed impossible to overcome, and you have survived. I wish I could be as strong as you. I need you. I need you hold me up. I need_ your _arms around_ me _._

_I don't know how it escalated into this, but I am ready to go back to how things were the moment you say 'yes'. That's all you have to say. And I want you to say it, because you have the sexiest voice in the world and to see you standing before me, looking so perfect and saying that word, would be the greatest gift you could give me._

_I just want to kiss you again, and feel your warmth next to me in bed. I just want you to look at me the way you used to and smile at me. I love you._

_I LOVE YOU._

_Please, hear me. I'm so very sorry._

_Sirius'_

Regulus folded up the letter and placed it in his robes pocket. He looked at Remus, who was looking away.

He felt angry at himself. For making Sirius believe that he was strong. He wasn't strong – he was a weak, useless mess. He still cut himself every night, and did bad things. He felt ashamed that Sirius had so much respect for a liar.

No, he felt guilty.

Sirius didn't deserve someone as weak as him. He was so sincere and loving and caring, and Regulus was the opposite. He could feel his eyes prickling again and he knew he was about to burst into tears. He didn't have time to stop himself.

Before he knew it, he was on the ground sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't stop the tears. The dam had broken, and his cries were loud and it hurt his chest with every sob.

It took a couple of seconds before he realised that Remus was kneeling next to him, holding onto him. He knew he should feel embarrassed, but he didn't have it in him. His other emotions were running too strong.

Remus sat with him until his sobs faded.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly after a while.

Regulus sniffed, and shakily sat up. He forced a smile and nodded. "Yes, Remus."

"You can talk to me."

"I know."

"As a friend of Sirius, and a friend of James, I can tell you that there's nothing going on between them. You should never doubt Sirius. He really loves you."

"I know," Regulus said again. "It's me that's the problem."

"You're not the problem," Remus assured.

"I am. I don't deserve Sirius. I have too many issues. I only bring him down."

"You're wrong," Remus said. "You're a great person. You're interesting, and you're funny in a sarcastic sort of way, and you are kind, and you are smart, and you are everything that he needs in his life."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because," Remus sighed. "I'm your friend, too."

Regulus smiled. "We're friends?"

"I'd say after you've cried in someone's arms, it makes you friends," Remus laughed.

It all happened very quickly. One moment they were sitting normally, and the next Regulus leaned forwards and started kissing Remus.

He stopped himself immediately. Remus looked shocked, but stayed still. Regulus gritted his teeth and shook his head.

What was he doing?

And suddenly his lips were against Remus's again and his arms were around Remus's neck. Remus kissed back, which surprised Regulus. It felt nice.

But it only lasted for a minute.

As they pulled apart, Remus smiled sadly. "Are you alright?"

"Why do you always ask me that?"

"Because I care about you," Remus said. "Why did you kiss me?"

"I don't know," Regulus said. "I felt the urge."

"Let me guess. You're trying to prove yourself guilty."

"I don't understand," Regulus replied.

"Well, you need a reason to blame yourself for what's going on with Sirius. It's what you do. You like to blame yourself. You have too many insecurities."

"Stop it," Regulus muttered.

"And you liked it. Because you felt relieved you finally had something Sirius could be angry at you for."

"Maybe I just kissed you because I like you!" Regulus practically yelled.

Remus shook his head. "I don't think so."

"If you're so quick to comment on my actions, why did you kiss me back?"

"Because I care about you," Remus said once more. "I kissed you back so that you could have the experience you were looking for. You were upset and desperate and I just thought if I kissed you back it would make whatever you were trying to do easier."

"Are you going to tell Sirius?" Regulus asked.

"No," Remus said. "I won't."

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Remus," Regulus said, feeling helpless. "I don't even know why I kissed you. I don't think of you like that. I swear."

"I know you don't. You're just emotional."

"You and Sirius are meant for each other," Remus said. "I never thought I'd say that, but I am. You balance each other out. You need each other."

"He's better off without me."

"Stop it, Regulus," Remus said. "Please, talk to Sirius. Or else I will force him to talk to you. This was all over something stupid and you just need to talk it out. You've realised that you were being stupid thinking he'd cheat on you, and Sirius has realised he was wrong to talk to you the way he did."

Regulus nodded. "I appreciate you talking to me."

Remus smiled. "I just want you both to be happy."

"Me too," Regulus said. "It's hard to be happy. I'm trying."

"That's good. As long as you're trying. Come on, it's time to go."

Remus stood up, and Regulus followed. They headed back down to the main castle in silence, and then parted their separate ways with a quick "goodnight" uttered.

Regulus had a lot to think about after his talk and the letter. He wanted more than anything to be with Sirius, but he had gone so far back to a place where Sirius would be ashamed of him.

And Remus had been right. He'd kissed him for a reason for Sirius to hate him. He was self-destructive.

As Regulus got into bed, he tossed and turned, thinking about everything that had happened. Regulus was not the same person who Sirius had fallen in love with. He was a sad, broken, worthless remnant of who he once was.

And after all he'd done, Sirius could never love him anymore.


	31. The Waiting Game

Sirius sat up late that night waiting for Remus to return. He'd never been so nervous in his life. Every second felt like a minute, and every minute felt like an hour, and every hour felt like an eternity. He sat and sat, waiting.

Finally, as his eyes were dropping shut, the common room door opened. He sat up straight. Remus emerged, and Sirius practically lunged at him demanding answers.

Remus stepped back, looking tired. "Calm down, Sirius."

"What did he say?"

"He read your letter," Remus said. "He's very… er, fragile. I feel like if I say one thing wrong to him he will completely lose it."

"That's not good," Sirius frowned. "Did he say he forgives me?"

"I think he forgave you a long time ago," Remus said. "But he's mad at himself for doubting you and treating you like crap."

"So did he say what happens next?"

"Well, I told him to talk to you," Remus replied. "I think you should give him a bit of time, because he seems to be in a bad place right now. I think he needs to get his thoughts straight."

"But how long do I have to wait?" Sirius whined. "I miss him."

"I know you do. Give him a few days. If not, I told him I'd make _you_ go to him."

Sirius sighed and nodded.

"You look upset."

"I am," Sirius said. "I think I'd convinced myself that you'd come through the door with really good news."

"Sorry," Remus said quietly. "I really tried, but he's hard to talk to. He's constantly putting himself down and not listening."

The door opened again, and James entered the Gryffindor common room. He glanced at Remus and Sirius and frowned. "What are you doing out of bed, Sirius?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"I'm Head Boy," James sighed.

"James, it's just Sirius," Remus said. "I think it's fine."

"You should be in bed, too," James said. "The prefect patrol finished ages ago."

Sirius and Remus exchanged annoyed looks and then wordlessly headed upstairs to go to bed.

* * *

The next day, Sirius was very excited and nervous. He got up early and got dressed hurriedly. He was downstairs before any of his friends.

He sat at the Gryffindor table at breakfast, eating absent-mindedly whilst staring fixedly at the Slytherin table. Regulus still hadn't arrived. He would not look away until he was there.

He watched and watched as the Great Hall filled up with students. Regulus still hadn't arrived.

Peter dropped down on the bench next to him. "You were up early."

"Yeah."

Regulus's friends weren't there either. Sirius guessed they just weren't up yet.

He'd completely finished his breakfast by the time James and Remus emerged.

"Why were you two up so late last night anyway?" James asked.

"We're always up that late," Sirius said. "You never _used_ to have a problem with that, Mr _Head Boy_."

"Look," James said, sounding apologetic. "If you guys had been down there when Lily got back, then she would have accused me of favouritism."

"Okay," Sirius said, still staring at the Slytherin table.

Finally, he arrived. Sirius's eyes followed him as he walked across the room and take his seat. He looked troubled. Sirius desperately wanted to hug him, but he knew that Regulus needed his time.

_Please, look at me._

But Regulus didn't look at him. He ate his food in silence, not glancing up once at Sirius. All he wanted was for their eyes to connect for even a second. But it didn't happen.

As quickly as Regulus appeared, he disappeared, after finishing his food.

Sirius was half out of his seat before Remus kicked him under the table and shook his head. Sirius sat back down, feeling annoyed. Regulus obviously wasn't ready to talk yet. How long would this last?

* * *

After the morning lessons were over, Sirius was just heading back to his common room when he spotted Regulus on the same corridor. They were walking towards each other. Sirius's heart rate started going quicker immediately.

He kept his eyes on Regulus as they walked. Regulus hadn't seen him, or he was pretending he hadn't seen him.

Sirius slyly moved to the right and looked away as if interested in something go on out the window. A second later, he collided hard with someone and he was on the floor.

His plan had worked. He tried not to grin.

He looked at Regulus, who was also on the floor.

"Sorry," Regulus mumbled, obviously trying to look away from Sirius and grab his books.

"Look at me," Sirius said softly.

Regulus shook his head.

" _Please_ , look at me," Sirius said. He heard Regulus sigh, and then his heart fluttered as their eyes met for the first time in weeks. Sirius had almost forgotten what it felt like staring into those eyes. He wanted this moment to last forever, but he knew it couldn't.

"I love you," he whispered, keeping his eyes on Regulus's.

Regulus looked away again. "I have to go. Bye." And like that, Regulus hurried away, leaving Sirius alone in the middle of the corridor surrounded by students on their ways to different places.

Sirius got up, and trudged up to the Gryffindor common room. When he arrived, he noticed an owl tapping on the window. He headed over and opened the window. He took the letter and the owl flew away.

The envelope read 'Sirius Black'. He wondered who it could be from. The handwriting looked similar to Regulus's. He smiled.

' _Dear Sirius,_

_Please meet me at Hogsmeade on Saturday at midday in front of the Hog's Head so that we can talk. See you soon.'_

This letter gave Sirius a new sense of hope. Saturday was only a few days away. He could do this.

* * *

The next couple of days dragged by. All could think about was Saturday. The amount of homework that was piling up was horrendous. He couldn't find a reason to do his homework at the moment. He was too preoccupied.

Finally, Saturday arrived. Sirius spent far too long deciding what to wear. He settled with a choice that was more muggle attire than wizard. He was wearing a pair of trainers with black skinny jeans. He wore a loose white shirt that had a low neckline, and a black leather jacket.

Sirius stood in front of the mirror, messing around with his hair. He wanted to look good. Good enough for Regulus to fall head over heels for him and take him back instantly.

When he finally sorted his hair out, he snuck over to Remus and asked him to cast a charm creating a bouquet of flowers.

Remus did so, shaking his head and rolling his eyes at Sirius's romantic notion.

It was time to leave, and Sirius was very nervous.

_You're Sirius Black. Don't be nervous._

The walk down to Hogsmeade was about fifteen minutes, but Sirius did it in five. When he reached the Hog's Head, he was sweating. He hoped he didn't smell. He checked his watch. It was eleven forty-five.

Fifteen minutes.

He leaned back against the wall and kept glancing at his watch every now and then. Twelve o'clock couldn't come sooner. The wait was agonising.

"Sirius."

The voice that had spoken his name was not Regulus's voice – it was a female voice. He looked at his watch and it was twelve.

He swivelled round and dropped his flowers. The woman standing before him was his mother.

She glanced at the flowers and then at Sirius's shocked face. "Expecting someone else, were we? There's a reason I didn't sign my letter. You would have never met me otherwise."

Sirius wanted to run away, but he seemed rooted to the spot. Probably a spell.

"Don't worry," she said. "Don't be afraid."

"Let me go!"

"You've broken my heart, Sirius," his mother said. "All I ever wanted was for my sons to grow up and marry and carry on the family line."

Sirius could do nothing but kick the dirt in anger.

"It seems the two of you are very stubborn. I'm extremely disappointed. But I am willing to forgive. It seems your father and I have produced a faulty generation."

Sirius snorted. She talked of him like he was a machine.

"You have your freedom from our family, like you always wanted."

"You didn't give me that," Sirius spat. "I had to take that for myself!"

She ignored him. "Bellatrix is now a Lestrange, and Narcissa is now a Malfoy. You and Regulus are the only two left who can carry on the line. All I want is grandchildren with the Black name."

Sirius felt like laughing. "What exactly are you asking me?"

"We will find a woman for you-"

"I'm gay. You know that."

She flinched at this, and a look of disgust spread over her face. "It makes no difference. All you will do is impregnate this woman, and then I will raise the child."

Sirius really did laugh this time. He couldn't believe she was asking this. "And what would you do with the mother afterwards?"

"Dispose of her. It's all about the child. I need another heir."

"You're disgusting, Mother," Sirius said.

"Sirius, be fair. It's not a lot I'm asking."

"Um, yes it is. It's ridiculous!"

She sighed. "Okay. I see. Maybe Regulus will take me up on this offer."

"Don't you go anywhere near him!" Sirius yelled angrily. He knew how much Regulus feared seeing their family again.

"Once you finish seventh year, I will find you," she said coldly. "You will have no protection from Hogwarts anymore. One of you will give me what I want. I don't care how I go about getting it, but I'd prefer if you'd cooperate, Sirius. It will be easier that way. See you soon."

She disapparated before him, and suddenly he could move again. He swallowed hard. He didn't know what to think of the conversation. It sounded to him like blackmail. If he didn't do as she asked, she'd go after Regulus.

And Sirius had thought that he was free from his family. Without a thought of the consequences, he punch the wall hard. Once, twice, three times.

* * *

When Sirius got back to the Gryffindor common room, James called him over.

"What's up?"

"I saw you in Hogsmeade," James said. "What did that bitch want?"

"It doesn't matter," Sirius said. "She's not getting it."

"Come on, man. What did she say?"

"She wants me to get a girl pregnant so that she can have heirs," Sirius said. James looked just as disgusted as Sirius felt.

"That's…"

"I know."

"But you're gay!"

Sirius laughed. "It doesn't make a difference to her. I still have the ability to have kids."

"Did you tell her you have a boyfriend, and that could put a downer in the relationship?" James asked.

Sirius laughed again. "Do you think she'd care?"

"Hm, I guess not. Just don't do it."

"She sounded like she'd go to any lengths," Sirius said. "She said she'll be waiting after I finish seventh year."

"Can't Regulus do it?" James asked.

"No," Sirius growled.

"Why not?"

"Because he can't!" Sirius said. "I won't allow it."

"He's his own person. You don't own him. Better him than you," James shrugged.

"Rather me than him," Sirius corrected.

"Sirius-"

"-Look, I have to go," Sirius said. "I need to speak to someone."

"Your boyfriend?"

"Yeah. If you could even call him that," Sirius said.

"You going to tell me who he is yet?" James asked.

"No," Sirius replied, getting up and heading out of the common room. He walked downstairs and it wasn't until he was in the main corridor of the castle that he realised that he should have brought the Marauder's Map. He had no idea where to find Regulus.

He just knew that he'd given him time, and now it was his turn to find Regulus and talk.

Sirius walked down a couple of corridors. He checked outside, and in the Great Hall, but he could not find Regulus. He walked down to the dungeons, but he wasn't there either. He decided to check the library.

And there he was. Sitting alone in the corner, reading a large book and writing things down on a piece of parchment.

Sirius drew in breath. This was it.

He walked towards Regulus and sat down opposite him. Regulus didn't look up.

"You've had your time, now it's time to talk."

Regulus looked up at this and sighed.

Sirius couldn't help but smile at him. He looked so kissable just sitting there being studious and confused.

"Come on, Reg. Come with me."

Regulus closed his book and stuffed it into his bag with his parchment, and followed Sirius silently out of the library.

They walked for a while until Sirius opened the door to an empty classroom and led Regulus inside. Sirius closed the door behind them.

"What do you want to talk about?" Regulus asked, folding his arms.

"I want to talk about us."

Regulus nodded.

"You got my letter."

"Yes. It was nice," Regulus said quietly.

"Then you know that all I want is for us to be happy again. We were so happy. Can't we have that again, Reg?" Sirius asked.

"I want it," Regulus whispered, looking close to tears.

Sirius stepped closer to him so that they were only inches apart. "Then let's be together."

"It's more complicated than that," Regulus said. "You won't like the new me."

"The new you?"

"Yes," Regulus said, exasperated. "The new me is a horrible person."

"Reg, please."

"You want to know what I've done?" Regulus asked. "I'll tell you. I've cut my wrists night after night after night. I've bullied people. I've cheated on you. I've given up."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak but he didn't know what to say.

"Exactly," Regulus said. "You hate me."

"I… I could never hate you," Sirius said. "I love you."

"Stop saying that!" Regulus yelled. "It just makes me feel worse because you deserve so much better."

"It just makes me sad that you've gone back to that place."

"Listen to me, Sirius. I _cheated_ on you."

"I heard you the first time," Sirius said, annoyed. "Who?"

Regulus looked away and shook his head. "It doesn't matter. It will never happen again."

"I know that," Sirius said. "You're in a bad place. We're not even technically together right now. I forgive you."

"Why can't you hate me!?" Regulus cried. "Please, I deserve it."

"Because it's not possible for me to hate you. It kills me to see you like this. Please, let me help you."

"I can't be helped."

"I've spent my whole life looking after you," Sirius said. "You know I can."

"It's different now Sirius."

"You're still my little brother," Sirius whispered softly. "Even if that's all you want to be. I will always be here for you."

"I want to be more than that," Regulus said. "I want to be everything to you, but that's selfish of me to ask."

"It's not," Sirius said. "You're already my everything."

"I just don't know what to do or what to feel," Regulus said. "Everything's just gotten so bad."

"Regulus, I just want to kiss you," Sirius admitted.

Regulus hadn't been expecting this. He looked lost for words. He was backed against a wall and Sirius was almost against him.

They could feel each other's breaths. Sirius lifted his arms so that they were against the wall and Regulus was trapped with no escape. He saw Regulus swallow.

"Let me kiss you," Sirius murmured, eyes on Regulus's lips. Sirius moved even closer so that he was pinning Regulus against the wall. Their bodies pressed together, Sirius could feel Regulus's heart beating fast.

Sirius's hand came down from the wall to caress Regulus's cheek gently. Regulus leaned into Sirius's hand and smiled a little, eyes closed.

"Kiss me, then," Regulus whispered, opening his eyes and staring up at Sirius.

Sirius closed the small space between them without a second thought, their lips meeting in an electrifying kiss that sent shivers through their entire bodies. Sirius's other hand came down and he wrapped both arms tightly around Regulus, keeping their lips together.

It felt like nothing else; it was perfect. It was like they were kissing for the first time again, and Sirius didn't want to let go of Regulus.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever kissed Regulus like this – there was a sense of desperation about the kiss. It was sweet and loving, but heated at the same time.

And then it was over. Sirius kept his arms tight around Regulus, and they stood in silence staring into each other's eyes.

"I love you," Sirius whispered.

"I love you, too," Regulus murmured, leaning up and kissing Sirius softly.

Sirius smiled. "That's the first time you've ever said it to me."

"I've said it before," Regulus said.

"Yeah, but you know that was different. We weren't _together_ then."

"I know," Regulus said. "Will you help me get through this?"

"Anything for you, Reg. Anything," Sirius smiled. "I've missed you so much."

"Me too," Regulus replied with a smile. "I've missed this feeling."

"You'll never have to miss it again, I promise."

Sirius let go of Regulus and took his hand. "Meet me in the Room of Requirement tonight."

"Okay," Regulus nodded. "Thanks, Sirius."

"For what?"

"For loving me, and never giving up on me."

"Never, Reg. You're everything."

They shared one last kiss that lingered on Sirius's lips all the way back up to the common room. He touched his lips and smiled.

He hoped it would only get better from here.


	32. Mess

It was evening, and Regulus was pacing back and forth in his room much to the annoyance of his friends who were attempting to study. He was extremely happy that he and Sirius were back on good terms, but it only made him nervous that Sirius would suddenly realise how horrible and worthless Regulus was. He worried that he'd do something stupid and screw it all up again.

"Reg, mate," Barty said. "Can you please stop?"

"Mm?" Regulus said absent-mindedly.

"Pacing," Barty said. "It's really annoying."

"I'm sorry my pacing to deal with my problems inconveniences you," Regulus snapped. Barty hadn't been expecting this response and looked stung.

"Wow, uh… sorry? Not my fault you got up on the wrong side of the bed."

Regulus was getting frustrated and he knew it wasn't Barty's fault but he couldn't help taking it out on him.

"You have no idea of the stuff I'm dealing with, so back off."

"I'm _trying_ to study, and I believe Scabior is too. Take your negativity somewhere else," Barty said.

"Yes, I am trying to study," came Scabior's voice for the first time.

"We're not mad at you. You just need to calm down from whatever is bugging you," Barty said.

Regulus aimed a kick at the bed, not even feeling the pain in his foot afterwards. He gritted his teeth and walked away into the bathroom. He pulled his wand out and held it a few inches above his wrist.

He let out a breath, and closed his eyes.

 _Don't do it_ , he told himself. His voice in his head sounded like Sirius. _Think of Sirius. Don't do it._

But the thoughts in his head were unbearable. His friends were unbearable. His guilt for kissing Remus was unbearable.

"Sectumsempra."

* * *

An hour later, Regulus's wrists were all cleaned up and he was waiting patiently outside the Room of Requirement for Sirius to arrive. His mind felt cleansed for his meeting with Sirius. He was more comfortable this way.

Finally, Sirius emerged and Regulus couldn't help smiling. It felt nice to smile again. It didn't last long though. It never did.

"Shall we?" Sirius asked, glancing at the door that had just appeared. Regulus just nodded, and they headed into the room.

In the centre of the room was a double bed.

"We're sleeping here?" Regulus asked.

"Yes," Sirius said cautiously. "I mean, unless you don't want to..."

"Let's... not."

"Okay," Sirius said, obviously upset. Regulus felt a pang of guilt but it didn't change his mind. He wasn't ready to sleep with Sirius again yet. Not with the state he was in.

Sirius reached for Regulus's hand. It was warm and comforting and just what Regulus needed. Sirius led him over to the bed, kicked off his shoes and disappeared under the covers with only his head sticking out.

"Join me, Reg."

Regulus kicked off his own shoes and slipped under the covers with Sirius. An arm wrapped around him, holding him close to Sirius's chest.

Regulus inhaled deeply, revelling in Sirius's addictive smell. It seemed like forever since he'd smelt it. It was highly intoxicating.

"What's on your mind?" Sirius mumbled.

"You."

He felt Sirius smile. "Go on."

"Just, you smell good," Regulus whispered. "Too good, actually."

"You don't smell so bad yourself," Sirius replied, kissing Regulus's hair softly and playing with a strand. "So what's new with you?"

"Nothing much."

He heard a sigh from Sirius, and glanced up at him. "I mean, um, my friends got some Firewhisky today so we're going to drink all day tomorrow," Regulus said, unable to think of anything else.

"That's not good," Sirius said.

"Like you haven't done the same."

"I can handle my alcohol, actually," Sirius said.

Regulus snorted. "Yeah right. I've seen you drunk. Halloween."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "So what? I kissed Ja-" he stopped himself. "Sorry."

"Don't be. It happened."

"Anyway," Sirius said. "I've seen you drunk too and it's not good."

"I can handle my alcohol better than you anyway," Regulus said.

"I take this as a challenge," Sirius grinned. "Wait here."

And Sirius was gone. Regulus was almost asleep by the time Sirius returned, and he was not empty handed. He was holding several bottles of Firewhisky close to his chest.

"We're going to get drunk."

Regulus sat up eagerly. This would certainly numb his emotions.

* * *

They sat on the bed with the Firewhisky in front of them.

"How about a game of truth or dare while we drink?" Sirius asked, taking his first swig and gesturing for Regulus to do the same.

Regulus nodded and drank.

"Truth or dare?" Sirius asked.

"Truth."

"Did you actually like Kreacher?"

Regulus rolled his eyes. "Yes."

Sirius made a face and drank again.

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Sirius grinned.

Regulus thought. He hated thinking of dares. "I dare you to go back to your friends tonight telling them how you've had a change of heart and that you love Slytherins and you desperately want to be one because we're so amazing and inspirational."

"Ew," Sirius muttered. "Gross."

"And you have to make it sound convincing," Regulus said. "I'll even turn your hair green for the occasion."

"Okay," Sirius said regretfully. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Boring," Sirius said. "How often do you think about me naked?"

Regulus could feel himself going red. "Erm, a lot."

"Clarify what 'a lot' means," Sirius grinned.

Regulus took a large swig of Firewhisky. "Pretty much every time I see you," he mumbled, embarrassed. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"I thought that was boring," Regulus said, narrowing his eyes. "Okay, how often do you think about _me_ naked?"

"Well, I'm imagining it right now," Sirius said, his stare burning into Regulus, making him shiver slightly.

"Oh," Regulus said quietly, blushing again.

"Truth or dare?" Sirius asked, drinking again. Regulus drank, shrugged and cleared his throat.

"Dare."

"Mm, my sexy dare-devil," Sirius smirked.

"Go on..."

Sirius smirk grew and Regulus regretted choosing dare. "I dare you to get naked."

"You... really?" Regulus said, taking another swig.

"Mm, really."

"I can't."

"All you have to do is take off your clothes," Sirius said. "Or if that's too difficult for you, I can take your clothes off for you."

Regulus glared at Sirius. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Sirius hadn't seen him naked, and he'd expected to keep it that way until, well, they did the deed.

"Do I _have_ to?"

"Yep," Sirius said with a grin, watching eagerly.

Regulus unbuttoned his shirt and threw it into a pile on the floor. He then stood up and unzipped his trousers, letting them fall to the floor, removed his socks, and then sat back down on the bed.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "You're not naked yet."

Regulus had expected this. He sighed, stood up and slowly took his boxers off, skin burning under Sirius's gaze.

He felt more embarrassed than ever. Sitting back down, he grabbed a pillow to cover himself up.

"Sexy," Sirius said.

"Shush."

"I'm going to have some good dreams tonight," Sirius continued. "It's bigger than I thought."

Regulus blushed again. "I don't know whether to take that as an insult or a compliment."

"I never thought it was small," Sirius said quickly. "But that's massive!"

"It's not massive, calm down," Regulus said. "Truth or dare?"

"It is massive, and truth."

"If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be?"

"You," Sirius said. "That way I could touch that body."

"Oh, Sirius," Regulus said. "Alcohol makes you horny."

"Nah, _you_ make me horny."

Regulus drank again, finishing his first bottle and opening his next. Sirius was already on his third.

"Can I touch you?" Sirius asked.

"No," Regulus replied. "Not ready."

Sirius groaned and pouted. "You're driving me crazy."

"Sorry," Regulus said. "Take your clothes off."

"Eh?"

"I shouldn't be the only one naked. Go on."

"Okay," Sirius grinned, undressing in an instant. He stood completely naked before Regulus.

Regulus swallowed hard as he stared Sirius up and down and took in the sight in front of him. He couldn't tear his eyes away. Sirius was unbelievably hot. He wanted more than anything to pounce at him but he knew he wasn't ready for that yet and he'd be annoyed with himself if he did.

It took ever last inch of self-control that Regulus had not to touch Sirius.

"Truth or dare?" Sirius asked.

"Dare."

"Kiss me."

Regulus threw the pillow to the side and slid over to Sirius's side of the bed, kneeling on the edge so that he was level with Sirius's mouth.

He reached to wrap his arms around Sirius's neck, and pull him close. Their lips crashed together as their naked bodies collided in a drunken hot tangle.

Sirius pushed against him, pushing them both down on the bed, Sirius straddling Regulus. Their breathing became more and more rugged as they both fought for dominance in their kisses.

Regulus's hands were all over Sirius's naked body, his nails digging into his back and down his spine. He held onto Sirius tighter as Sirius's kisses went down from his lips onto his neck.

"Mmm," Regulus moaned. "S-stop."

Sirius stopped and sighed. "Are you _sure_ you're not ready?"

"I'm sure," Regulus said quietly.

Sirius nodded and planted a soft kiss on Regulus's lips. "Then let's stop before I fuck you."

Regulus liked the sound of that but hid it as he nodded.

* * *

Regulus opened his eyes and it was dark. He was still in the Room of Requirement, and he had his boxers on again. He must have fallen asleep.

He definitely had. He could still remember his nightmare like it had just happened for real.

He shivered and pulled the covers closer.

Regulus had dreamt that he'd been out with Sirius and then suddenly Sirius had disappeared into thin air and everything had gone dark. He'd dreamt that Death Eaters had appeared before him and grabbed him so hard that he felt like he would be torn apart, and that they'd branded him with the Dark Mark. He'd dreamt that his parents had appeared in front of him and forced him to go back with them.

His mouth was dry and he was dehydrated from the alcohol. He felt awful. Glancing at Sirius's sleeping form, he decided he could get away with cutting himself.

He pulled his wand out and mumbled "sectumsempra" not once, not twice, not even three times. He repeated the spell over and over, littering his forearms with gash upon gash. He needed to erase the nightmare from his mind. He needed to be numb.

He reached over and grabbed the half-full bottle of Firewhisky by his bed and gulped it down like one would drink water. The bottle was finished in a couple of seconds.

His vision was becoming blurred at the edges and he was starting to feel giddy. He was grinning stupidly and it was ridiculous but it felt better than being miserable.

He pointed his wand at his wrist again and cut it. Again, again, again.

He opened another botte of Firewhisky, and it was finished before he knew it.

 _It's weird_ , he thought to himself as he stared down at his body, which seemed to be rippling. _Looks so red. My arms are red._

He laughed louder than he would have liked, and then glanced at Sirius who was still sleeping.

_I hope I dream of Sirius and other nice things. Nothing is as nice as Sirius though._

He lay down, watching Sirius sleeping, and he could feel his eyes closing with a smile on his face.

* * *

"Wake up!"

Regulus opened his eyes, and the room was spinning. It was morning, and Sirius was above him, looking both furious and upset.

"What's wrong?" Regulus yawned.

Sirius grabbed Regulus's arms and lifted them into view for Regulus's to see. They were stained with dry blood and his arms were covered in fresh cuts.

"I don't know how to deal with this anymore," Sirius whispered, close to tears. "You're going to kill yourself.

"I'm sorry."

"You need to stop."

"I know," Regulus said. "But it's not that easy."

"I will confiscate your wand," Sirius said. "I'll confiscate anything sharp if I have to. I can't stand seeing you do this to yourself."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you even _trying_ to stop?"

Regulus was angry. "Of course I'm trying!"

"Doesn't look like it."

"I struggle with this every second of every day, Sirius. You can't understand what I struggle with. It's a miracle I haven't killed myself. That's some sort of achievement."

Sirius reached for his hand and smiled sadly. "I will help you. I promise. I don't know how yet, but I will. Just please stop hurting yourself."

"I'm trying," Regulus said.

"We should go," Sirius said. "Our friends are probably wondering where we are."

"Yeah," Regulus replied.

"Don't drink with your friends," Sirius said. "We had fun last night, but I don't want you getting addicted to alcohol because it numbs you."

"You make me sound like a mess," Regulus said.

"Are you denying it?"

Regulus smiled a little. "No. I _am_ a mess."

"Messes are meant to be cleaned up," Sirius said quietly.

Regulus nodded. He wanted more than ever to be happy and healthy again, but it was so hard. He just felt blessed that he had Sirius in his life.

Even if it was the only good thing.


	33. The Betrayal

As promised, Sirius left the Room of Requirement sporting a lovely new green hairstyle. He got a couple of people glancing oddly at him to which he just rolled his eyes and continued walking. He was late for Charms, and he doubted Professor Flitwick would be too happy about his tardiness or his green hair. Either way, he was heading there.

He still felt a little bit drunk and disoriented after the night before and the image of Regulus's bloody arms plagued his mind. It was horrific. He wanted to do something – anything – to help.

He finally reached the classroom and tried to edge in without being seen but his green hair was hard to miss.

"Mister Black!" came Flitwick's squeaky voice. "Why are you late? And why is your hair green?"

"Sorry, Sir," Sirius replied sheepishly, flashing his teeth in a grin. "I was discovering my inner Slytherin?"

He happened to glance over at James who was looking disgusted.

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" Flitwick said, going back to whatever he'd been talking about prior to Sirius's arrival.

Sirius took his seat next to James, who was looking at his hair.

"You were _discovering your inner Slytherin_?" James whispered, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged. "I love Slytherin now. I desperately wish I'd been in Slytherin."

James looked repulsed. He lifted a hand and placed it on Sirius's forehead. "You're not feverish. Maybe you're losing it."

"Losing what?"

"The plot," James said.

Sirius laughed. "I never had the plot to begin with."

James smiled. "That's true." He leaned closer to Sirius. "Speaking of Slytherin, I have to tell you something."

"What's that?" Sirius asked.

"A few days ago before the prefect meeting, Remus was acting really strange, practically begging me to pair him up with your brother."

"Oh?" Sirius said, trying to remain passive.

"Yeah. I agreed to pair them up, but he wouldn't tell me why so I did a little snooping."

Sirius closed his eyes. This couldn't be good. What had he heard? He was acting nice enough to Sirius so he hoped that it meant James wouldn't judge his relationship.

"I followed them to the astronomy tower, but I got caught up with a couple of first years, so when I finally reached them they were finished talking about whatever it was they were talking about. I was about to leave because I felt bad for sneaking up on them but then... well... they, um, started kissing. I didn't even know they were gay!"

Sirius sat very still as he took in James's words. It had been _Remus_ who Regulus had kissed.

"They kissed and pulled apart and then they kissed again properly and at that point I was almost sick and left. I tried talking to Remus about it but he got annoyed and told me never to tell you."

 _I wonder why_ , Sirius thought angrily. Anybody else, Sirius could have dealt with. In fact, he had been quite content with not knowing who this mystery person was, but it made his blood boil that it had been Remus.

He had trusted Remus with this. While Sirius had sat for hours more nervous than he'd ever been waiting for Remus to _talk_ to Regulus for him, they'd been off kissing.

Remus had betrayed him.

"Sirius?"

"What?" Sirius snapped.

"Are you alright?"

"No."

"You're annoyed?" James guessed. "He's your little brother. I get that. You're protective."

"Too right," Sirius growled. James looked a little ashamed of telling Sirius. Remus had obviously not wanted Sirius to know. "Where is he?"

"He's not feeling well today. Took the day off."

"Is that right?" Sirius said. "Fine. Thanks for telling me."

"Sirius, don't do anything stupid."

"Mhm."

* * *

The end of the lesson couldn't come any quicker for Sirius. He desperately wanted to get to Remus and give him a peice of his mind. It was just shrugging off James that was the hard part.

" _Please_ , James," Sirius said. "I need to speak to him alone."

"Don't be angry with him."

"Already am."

"Regulus can kiss whoever he wants. He may be your younger brother but you can't control who he dates, and if you ask me, Remus is a good choice."

Sirius laughed. He wasn't sure what else to do. He was livid.

"He'll hate me for telling you," James whined.

"I'll say that Reg told me," Sirius shrugged. "Now let me speak to him, James."

James sighed and let Sirius past. "Go easy on him. I think you're being a little bit unfair."

"Mhm," Sirius muttered, storming off towards the Gryffindor common room. He entered without uttering a word to a single person. He walked all the way up to his dormitory, his heart racing with anger.

Slamming the door open, he scanned the bedroom. Remus was lying in his bed looking awful. When Remus spotted him, he sat up slowly with a smile.

"Nice hair," he croaked.

Sirius stopped in his tracks. He couldn't have a serious argument with green hair. He pulled his wand out and pointed it at his head, muttering the reversal charm under his breath. He glanced into the mirror on the wall to see that his hair was back to black, but his face was red with anger.

He struggled to find the words.

"I. _Hate_. You," he managed, forcing his tears back.

Remus's expression changed and he looked completely confused and hurt by Sirius's words.

"You can't look at me like that," Sirius said through gritted teeth. "You're not allowed to look at me like that."

"Like what?" Remus asked.

"Like you're _confused_ and _hurt_ ," Sirius said. "That's how I'm meant to be looking at you."

Remus stood up and walked towards Sirius, who took a step back. "What's wrong, Sirius?"

"You _know_ what's wrong."

"I'm sorry. I don't," Remus replied.

Sirius let out an exasperated sigh and balled up his fists. "Just admit what you did, you fucking prick!" he spat.

Remus looked as though he'd been hit in the face, and if he didn't admit what he'd done then Sirius had no qualms about actually hitting him.

"Admit it," Sirius said coldly, glaring at him whilst trying to remain calm.

"I'd happily admit it if I actually had a clue what you are talking about!" Remus said, raising his voice for the first time. There was a slight breathiness to his voice as he wasn't feeling well.

"Let me help you, then," Sirius said through gritted teeth. "Prefect meeting."

He watched as the realisation hit Remus and if he'd any doubts about whether they'd kissed or not, they were dissolving rapidly. They had definitely kissed.

"Sirius, listen to me-"

"-No, you listen to me," Sirius cut in. "You betrayed me. You broke my trust. You're a disgusting person and I want nothing to do with you."

"It's not what you think," Remus said quickly, sounding desperate.

"Did you kiss him?" Sirius asked bluntly.

"Yes, but-"

"Was it one-sided?" Sirius demanded.

"We were both kissing. It was only for a minute Sirius, I promise. And it's nothing like what you must be imagining."

"So, I asked my best friend to go and talk to my boyfriend because I thought he was the kindest and most compassionate person I know, and that he'd be able to help. I trusted him to do this for me. What happens? He turns around and stabs me in the back by kissing him."

" _He_ kissed _me_!" Remus cried. "And no, I didn't stop him because I didn't want to upset him further. He'd just broken down in my arms minutes earlier. He was a mess!"

"James thinks you're good for each other," Sirius muttered. "Maybe Regulus wants _you_."

"Sirius, I'm straight. You know that," Remus said. "I didn't enjoy it. It was me helping him with whatever it was he was trying to achieve. Besides, haven't you forgiven him? Why are you so mad at _me_?"

" _BECAUSE HE WAS BROKEN AND UPSET AND VULNERABLE AND YOU JUST ABUSED THAT!"_ Sirius yelled with tears streaming from his eyes. _"YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM!"_

"Aren't you listening to me?" Remus said. " _Regulus_ kissed _me_! I never wanted to. I would never have even dreamed of kissing him! I'm _straight_."

"You just don't want us to be together."

"Of course I don't!" Remus yelled. "It's wrong!"

Sirius felt like Remus had grabbed a knife and stabbed him right in the chest, and then twisted it. He didn't know how to respond to Remus's words.

"You're brothers. You shouldn't be together, end of. I am your friend and I want you to be happy, but this relationship is going too far. I've tried and tried to be okay with it, and initially I was, but I'm sorry. It's not right, and I think he kissed me because deep down he knows that too. _You_ know that."

"It's not wrong," Sirius muttered, feeling empty. All of that acceptance he'd recieved from Remus was fake. If possible, Sirius was even more hurt.

"Listen, Sirius. You are _related_. _Siblings_. You can't get any more incestuous than that, really. It's disgusting and I'd rather you were alone than with him."

"FUCK YOU!" Sirius screamed, grabbing Remus roughly by the shoulders and pulling back his fist, extending it back with great force. It made contact with Remus's jaw making a loud cracking sound and knocking Remus to the floor.

Remus scambled to get back up, clasping at his jaw, but Sirius kicked hard at his leg, making Remus cry out in pain. He kicked again in the same place, crippling him. He lunged down at Remus and aimed punch after punch after punch at him. He had him pinned down completely. Remus was helpless, but Sirius didn't care. He just kept on punching.

Remus's eyes were black and his nose and jaw were out of place.

"S-Sirius..."

"No, FUCK YOU."

Sirius punched him again, and again, and again. Suddenly, he was being pulled back by someone and he was only punching air.

James was holding him back, and Peter was helping Remus up. As Remus stood, he was almost unrecognisable. Sirius had completely distorted his face. He was glaring at Sirius.

"Let's get you to the hospital wing," Peter said, wrapping an arm around Remus to help him. Remus shrugged off Peter's arm and limped over to Sirius, stopping a few inches in front of him.

"You're no better than the rest of your vile family. In fact, you really lived up to your name today. Consider our friendship over," he hissed, spitting blood in Sirius's face, making him flinch.

Sirius tried to grab Remus but James's restraint was too strong.

"Leave him," James said.

"Guess werewolves can't be trusted then," Sirius growled.

Remus swung round in an instant, his fist making contact with Sirius's face, knocking both him and James back.

"Come on, Remus," Peter said quickly, grabbing Remus. Remus took Peter's helping arm this time and they headed out of the room. As soon as the door was closed, James released Sirius.

"Don't go after them," James warned, his voice sounding stern. He was using his newly acquired 'Head-Boy' voice.

Sirius clasped at where Remus had punched him, cursing beneath his breath. He wiped the blood off of his face with his sleeve.

"Please tell me this wasn't all because I told you about that kiss," James said, looking guilty.

"Sort of."

"You can't really be _that_ angry about it," James said in confusion. He then gasped. "Unless... Remus is your boyfriend, isn't he?"

"Don't be so disgusting," Sirius said. "I wouldn't date that traitor if he was the last person alive."

"You guys need to fix this," James said. "I'm not having this. We're all meant to be mates. I feel like lately there's always two that's fighting."

"This can't be fixed," Sirius replied. "He crossed a line."

"Tell me what's going on, Sirius."

"I can't."

"You will," James replied with a hard stare. "We all need to start being honest with each other."

Sirius scoffed. "Remus can't be honest. I'd never trust him again."

" _Why_?"

Sirius sighed. "I don't want to tell you because then _we'll_ be fighting too."

James smiled sadly at him. "We won't be. I promise. You're my best mate."

"Fine," Sirius said, not caring anymore. "Remus has been lying to me for over half a year about being okay with my relationship. He practically just tore me apart with his words before you guys came in. Telling me how wrong it is and that he would prefer me being alone than in my relationship."

"You're going to have to tell me who you're with," James said. "I promise I won't say anything. Even if it's Sniv- er – Snape."

"I'm in love with my brother, okay?" Sirius said, looking away. "And no, I can't help it. It just happened and no it isn't wrong. It feels like the most right thing in my life."

"Um, right," James said slowly, chosing his words carefully. "So... that's why you were so mad, I'm guessing."

"Yes."

"So you've told me the hard part, so tell me everything else."

Sirius sighed, not wanting to remember what had just happened. He sat down on the edge of the bed and replayed everything that had happened.

After he was finished, James sat for a minute thinking.

"Honestly, Sirius, it sounds like Remus is being sincere about his intentions with the kiss," James said. "And you were understandably angry. I think things got a little out of hand. He had no right to say what he said about your relationship, just like you had no right to make that werewolf comment. You shouldn't have beaten him up, and he shouldn't have punched you. You're both in the wrong."

"He's more in the wrong than me."

"You're _both_ in the wrong," James said. "It's fixable. It'll take some time, but I think that once things have calmed down, you will be able to apologise to each other and forgive each other."

"Unlikely," Sirius snorted.

"No more fighting, Sirius. I mean it."

"Okay," Sirius said. "I won't punch if he doesn't."

"That's fine. I'll have a word with Remus too."

"Be careful he doesn't try to kiss you. He likes doing that," Sirius muttered.

James looked exhausted. He didn't reply to Sirius's remark. They sat for a while in silence and Sirius decided now would be a good time to speak to James about his predicament with Regulus's cutting. He could now speak freely to James. That was good, at least.

"James, I need your advice."

"Go on," James said.

"It's Reg," Sirius said. "He's been cutting his wrists again lately. And a lot. I don't know what to do to stop him."

James thought for a moment. "I have an idea but it might be a little extreme. It'll be dangerous for you."

"Tell me."

"That spell we were learning today in Charms," James said. "You could use that."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You think I was _actually_ listening in Charms?"

"Of course not," James laughed. "It's a binding charm. You can bind yourselves together so that if he cuts his wrists, he'll be cutting yours too."

Sirius didn't like this idea, but at the moment, this was all he had. "But do you think it will work?"

James shrugged. "That's why it's dangerous. It could cause some serious damage if you're not careful. Do you think he cares about you enough to stop if he knows he'll be hurting you in the process?"

"I hope so, because that's my only option. I'm desperate," Sirius said. "What's the spell?"

James looked a little uncomfortable as he reached into his bag and pulled out his Charms book.

* * *

Sirius followed Regulus's dot on the Marauder's Map the next day. He felt that he'd perfeced the spell. Now all he had to do was enact it, and hopefully it would bring an end to Regulus's cutting.

Regulus was outside by the Quidditch pitch. Alone, as usual.

Sirius sat down next to him, watching as he read his book, deeply immersed. He hadn't even noticed Sirius sit down.

"Hey," Sirius said softly. Regulus looked up and smiled, putting his book down.

"Well, hello," Regulus replied. "What happened to your face?"

"Nothing," Sirius lied.

Regulus raised his eyebrows, glanced around to make sure nobody was watching and leaned forwards to kiss Sirius's bruised face.

Sirius smiled. "All better," he said. "Thanks."

"It's okay," Regulus said.

Sirius felt awful as he pulled his wand out discreetly and waved it between his arm and Regulus's. Regulus was being his usual perceptive self, and stared at Sirius in confusion as he completed the spell.

"What did you do?"

"I'm sorry it had to come to this," Sirius said. "It's hopefully going to deter you from wanting to cut yourself."

Regulus was confused. "How?"

"I've linked us," Sirius said. "Now if you cut yourself, you'll be cutting me too."

"What!"

"I'm sorry," Sirius said quietly. "I couldn't think of anything else."

"I'll hurt you, Sirius!" Regulus cried, looking panicked. "It's an addiction! I won't be able to stop and I'll hate myself even more for hurting you!"

Sirius grabbed Regulus's hands to stop them from waving around frantically. He stared at Regulus's face with a soft gaze.

"Look at me, Reg."

Regulus stopped panicking and met his gaze.

"You can do this. I trust you, okay? I _love_ you."

"I love you, too. But-"

"-Nope. No more 'I can't's and more 'I can's," Sirius said. " _I_ know you can do it, and now I just need you to realise that. You went for half a year without doing it before. You're strong. You can do it. I promise."

Regulus smiled a little. "How did I get so lucky?"

Sirius grinned and shrugged.

"Honestly, you're so amazing," Regulus said. "I could be having the worst day and just seeing your face will brighten it up straight away."

"I'm glad," Sirius said. "Me too."

"Want to go to the Room of Requirement?" Regulus asked.

"Are you insinuating something?" Sirius asked with a smirk.

"Just to kiss!" Regulus said quickly, blushing.

"Mm, we'll see about that," Sirius joked, winking at Regulus. They stood up and headed up to the castle, both feeling a little bit more hopeful for the future than they had felt recently.

 _This is good_ , Sirius thought in satisfaction as they headed up for their much needed kissing session.


	34. Elixir To Induce Euphoria

It had been a week since Sirius had linked himself to Regulus, and Regulus had not cut himself once. He was doing quite well, but it was one of the most difficult things he'd had to do. He'd had many, _many_ urges. One time he had even lifted his wand above his wrist and opened his mouth to say the spell, but then realised what he would be doing to Sirius and stopped. On one hand, he was relieved that he was doing so well, but on the other hand, he was going crazy with the thoughts that filled his head. He had no escape from the nightmares or the voices or the dark fantasies. He had to deal with them, which he wasn't doing very well. Instead of dealing, he was just ignoring, which only made them worse. He knew he'd crack soon, and he dreaded that more than anything.

It was Wednesday morning, and Regulus was in Potions. The room smelt strongly of peppermint, which was nice to begin with but it was becoming more and more irritating as the minutes went by. They hadn't even began class yet and Regulus felt like he needed to sneeze.

"I'm very sorry I'm so late," Professor Slughorn said, as he walked into the classroom. He was out of breath and red in the cheeks. "I was setting up for today's lesson when I realised we were completely out of Sopophorous beans!"

"Please, open your textbooks to page thirty-seven," Slughorn continued, talking his place at the front of the classroom.

Regulus opened his book and his eyes rested on the name of the potion they'd undoubtedly be brewing in today's class - The Elixir to Induce Euphoria. The picture showed the potion to be a goldish-yellow colour.

Professor Slughorn passed a basket of Sopophorous beans to one of the Ravenclaws in their class - Sarah Hoskins - and she handed each person seven beans.

"Right, so today we are brewing the Elixir to Induce Euphoria. Who can tell me what this potion does?" Slughorn asked. "Yes, Miss Goldstein?"

"It induces sudden happiness or euphoria in the drinker," Tianna Goldstein said.

"Correct!" Slughorn said cheerfully. "Five points to Ravenclaw. The Elixir to Induce Euphoria causes sudden happiness in the drinker that can last up to four hours given the quality of the brew. It is a very effective potion for one who needs a pick-me-up. It is a useful little potion that you will probably use in later life. Now without further ado, please begin by using the instructions in your books."

Regulus liked the sound of this potion. He decided he'd definitely have to try it once he was finished making it. Barty was sitting next to him, staring at him expectantly. Barty had never been the best at potions but his mother had forced him to take it at NEWT level, so as usual, he planned on following Regulus's lead. Regulus was - as Slughorn often liked to point out - the best at potions in their year.

He picked up a couple of sprigs of Shrivelfig and sprinkled them into the cauldron. Then, he added the porcupine quills and stirred anti-clockwise four times. He then waited as the instructions told him to do for the potion to turn blue. It was currently a lime green.

"So are you even going to _try_ yourself this year?" Regulus asked Barty, who had just copied exactly as Regulus had done.

He shrugged. "I could try but I'd end up getting a T and my mum would kill me. Would you rather I copied you or ended up dead? Could you deal with staring at my cold dead corpse knowing it was your fault?"

Regulus rolled his eyes and laughed. "Don't be so dramatic."

"You can't talk about _me_ being dramatic," Barty exclaimed, looking amused. "After what you did to that poor bed the other day."

Regulus's lips quirked up a little at this. "Maybe I was a little bit over-the-top."

Barty sniggered. "So have you heard from your idiots recently?"

Regulus was confused. "My idiots?"

Barty raised his eyebrows. "Did I say idiots? I means _parents_."

Regulus smiled and shook his head. "No, thank god," he said. "I'm terrified I'll get a letter from them soon though."

"Parents are difficult."

"That's an understatement," Regulus replied.

"No, really. My dad keeps talking to me about what I want to do when I start working with him at the Ministry," Barty said, looking irritated. "But I don't want to work at the Ministry, and I know that he'll be mad with me if I tell him that. He keeps lecturing me on Voldemort and how it would be a bad idea if I joined. He looks at me like I'm evil or something, just because I'm nothing like _him_."

"You don't want to join, do you?" Regulus whispered.

"No," Barty replied. "But rather that than the Ministry."

Regulus shook his head. "What would your dad do if you got a normal job that has nothing to do with the Ministry?"

"Probably kill me."

Regulus laughed a little. His potion had now turned blue. "Don't continue with yours till it goes blue," he told Barty, as he dropped a sprig of peppermint into his potion. The colour instantly changed to a rich purple colour. He then had to stir till it was pink.

He stirred while Barty caught up and explained to him that he was to stir till it turned pink.

"I'm with Helena again," Barty said quickly.

"Since when?" Regulus asked.

"Since yesterday," Barty replied. "She just asked me out in the middle of the corridor and told me she missed me and she was sorry for being so materialistic before."

"And you think it will last?" Regulus asked. He never cared much for Barty's ex-girlfriend nor their relationship. He knew his friend could do so much better.

"I really hope so," Barty said. "Have you ever met someone who you just _know_ that you want to be with forever? You just _know_ that you want to marry her and have a family with her?"

"Not really," Regulus said slowly, thinking about Sirius. Marriage. That notion just seemed odd in their relationship. He was pretty sure it was illegal on so many levels, but even the idea of them having a wedding seemed wrong. Who would they even invite? Their parents?

"Hmm," Barty shrugged. "Me neither. I was just hoping that actually _having_ a girlfriend would make me feel that way about her. We'll see."

The potion had turned pink. Regulus added his seven Sopophorous beans and the wormwood, and stirred ant-clockwise six times. He then needed to wait till the potion was sunshine yellow.

"What about your secret lover?" Barty asked, winking at him.

Regulus pretended that he had no clue what Barty was talking about. "Secret lover?"

"That one you kept sneaking off to sleep with," Barty prompted. "You've been seeing her again, haven't you? You've stopped sleeping in the dorm again."

Regulus laughed. "If that's what you think, then who am I to tell you you're wrong?"

"Just admit it," Barty said. "I'm jealous. I wish I was getting laid that often."

"I'm not," Regulus said. "Honestly."

"You must have some serious self-control. If my girlfriend wanted to sleep in the same bed as me every night, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off her."

"Maybe I'm just not ready for that yet," Regulus replied.

Barty raised his eyebrows. "Not ready for sex? You're seventeen! You're a guy! Of course you're ready."

"It's complicated."

"Have you seen her naked yet?" Barty winked.

"Er, yeah."

"What do naked boobs look like up close?"

Regulus sighed. "Um, you know, like you'd imagine..."

"More details!"

"Look, you're my best friend," Regulus said. "I understand you're curious but you're asking personal questions now."

"At least tell me who she is," Barty said. "You can tell me that."

"I can't."

"I tell you _everything_ that goes on in my life," Barty said. "Don't you trust me?"

"I trust you, and I care about you," Regulus said quietly. "Which is why I don't want to lose you. If I tell you, then I'll probably lose you."

"I'm not going to stop being your friend just because of who you're dating," Barty said, rolling his eyes. "Give me more credit than that."

"I don't know..."

"You could be dating a mountain troll for all I care," Barty continued. "A _Hufflepuff_ mountain troll."

Regulus couldn't help laughing at this. "If mountain trolls could go to Hogwarts, they'd definitely be in Hufflepuff."

"Exactly," Barty agreed.

"Okay," Regulus said, drawing in a breath. "But if you hate me afterwards, then I'll be the one saying 'I told you so'."

"I won't hate you."

"Well," Regulus started, lowering his voice. " _She_ is not a she."

He watched in nervous apprehension as Barty registered this information. He glanced briefly at his potion which was now orange.

"So you're... gay?"

"I guess," Regulus said.

"I wouldn't have taken you for a gay guy," Barty said. "You don't really fit the part."

"Do you hate me?" Regulus asked.

"Do I sound like I hate you?" Barty asked.

"We've never really… discussed… you know, gay people. I wasn't sure what you thought of the whole thing."

"I have nothing against gay people. It doesn't bother me. I have nothing to be jealous about now. You're not sleeping with women before me – it's all good!"

Regulus smiled, relieved. "Thanks."

"But I'd rather not know the details," Barty said quickly. "You have a boyfriend - great. That's all I want to know."

"That works for me," Regulus replied. In fact, it was better that way. It meant he wouldn't get awkward questions on who he was with. "You're not telling Scabior, are you?"

"Nah," Barty said. "I don't want the whole school to know."

Regulus nodded. His other friend had a bit of a reputation for spreading gossip around the school.

"Ah, perfect!" Slughorn exclaimed, interrupting their conversation. Regulus looked up to see that the professor was standing above him, admiring his potion. "As expected, Mister Black, you have brewed the potion perfectly. I suspect if you were to drink this now you'd be bouncing off the walls with happiness!"

Regulus forced a smile at Slughorn, who pulled out a vial and poured some of Regulus's potion into it, stoppering it and handing it to him.

"Thirty points to Slytherin," Slughorn said loudly. "Undoubtedly the greatest potions student in sixth year. A round of applause, please!"

Regulus felt himself going pink as the class clapped for him. He placed his potion into his bag and tried to ignore the fact that he was the centre of attention.

* * *

A few hours later and Regulus was waiting outside the Room of Requirement for Sirius to arrive. He fingered the vial of potion in his bag and decided he'd drink it while he waited. Unstoppering it, he took in the sweet scent of the yellow potion and then in one large gulp, finished the vial. The effects were almost instant. He could feel his troubles just evaporate in his mind, like they were nothing. He smiled like it was the easiest thing in the world.

He was practically bouncing with happiness by the time Sirius arrived, breathless.

"Sorry," he said quickly, looking annoyed. "I got detention."

"You got into another fight," Regulus observed. Sirius's face was black and blue.

Sirius nodded solemnly and the door appeared to the Room of Requirement. They stepped inside and lay down together on their usual bed. Sirius wrapped his arms around Regulus and they both relaxed.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Regulus asked softly.

"It doesn't matter."

"Tell me, Sirius."

"Have you seen Remus lately?" Sirius asked.

Regulus thought about this and realised that he hadn't seen Remus. "No..."

"That's because he's pretty much permanently attached to the hospital bed," Sirius said, his tone harsh. "Courtesy of me."

Regulus was surprised. Sirius and Remus had always been close.

"Picking a fight with a werewolf," Regulus said. "Probably not a good idea. What happened?"

"Nothing."

Regulus sighed. Sirius was really putting a downer on his happiness potion. "Tell me."

"I found out about you and Remus's little kiss in the astronomy tower," Sirius muttered. "And he also said some pretty harsh things about our relationship."

Regulus felt himself go numb. He didn't want Sirius to find out. He knew that Sirius would react the way he did, and he also knew that it wasn't fair on Remus.

"You shouldn't have done that-"

"-Save it," Sirius said. "He kissed you. He knew we were together, and yet he kissed you when you were vulnerable. It makes me sick. He deserved what I gave him."

"It was me that kissed him," Regulus said quietly, not wanting to discuss this but knowing he owed it to Remus.

"I know," Sirius said bitterly. "But he shouldn't have kissed you back."

Regulus sighed. "Leave him alone now, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because I think you've conveyed your message," Regulus said. "I'm sure he gets it. Now just carry on your life."

"I can't promise anything," Sirius said. "Every time I see his face, I want to punch it."

"I'm happy today, Sirius," Regulus said, changing the subject.

He saw Sirius smile at this. "Good," he replied. "I'm glad you're happy."

"I told one of my friends that I'm gay," Regulus said. "And he wasn't even mad."

"That's surprising," Sirius said. "Why are you so happy anyway?"

"It's been a good day," Regulus shrugged, not really wanting to tell him about the potion he'd taken. "I've been thinking about us."

"What about us?"

"Imagining what it would be like if we got married," Regulus laughed. "Can you imagine it?"

"I can imagine it," Sirius whispered, kissing Regulus softly on the forehead. "You'd look perfect."

Regulus smiled more broadly at this than he would have if he was potion-sober. "I'm sure you'd look pretty perfect too."

"We'll get married one day," Sirius promised.

"Yeah right," Regulus said. "It's impossible."

"Not when you're Sirius Black," Sirius grinned. "Anything's possible when you're me."

"I love you," Regulus mumbled, resting his head against Sirius's chest. He could feel Sirius's heartbeat beneath him. It felt nice.

"And I love you," Sirius replied, holding onto him tighter.

* * *

When Regulus woke up in the morning, he hadn't had a single nightmare. He knew it was to do with the potion. It was like some sort of miracle. The feeling was wonderful.

He knew what he had to do. He'd be drinking this potion every night before bed from now on, and that meant he'd need to get some ingredients from Hogsmeade.

He smiled up at the ceiling. It was a relief that happiness was right around the corner. All he needed now were those ingredients.


	35. Criminal

It was two o'clock in the morning, and Regulus was lying wide awake in his bed. He'd been lying there in silence for hours. He was sure his room mates were all sleeping now, so he slowly crept out of bed, and tip-toed across the room without a sound. He opened the door carefully, as it creaked, and then headed up the stairs to the common room. The common room was empty.

He hurried across the room and out of the door. It was cold in the dungeon corridors. The walls were like ice and just being near them was like standing outside on a wintry day. Regulus hugged himself and shivered as he carried on across the corridor towards Slughorn's office.

He paused for a moment to make sure he wasn't being watched or followed, and then proceeded to _alohamora_ the door, which opened. He had been expecting a more advanced locking charm, but was relieved that it had been simple.

The office was dark and eerie. Though there were no windows, Regulus could still sense that it was the early hours of the morning just by the feel of the room. The candles had been long since blown out.

Regulus cast the _lumos_ spell, and headed towards the ingredient cupboard. He tried _alohamora_ again but it did not work.

_There must be a key..._

He searched the room by wandlight, looking in the obscure places and the simple places.

"Accio key,"he whispered. Nothing happened. He sighed as he realised where the key must be.

Diffusing his _lumos_ charm, Regulus headed towards the other door that led into Slughorn's sleeping quarters. Very quietly, he opened the door and slipped inside. Slughorn was snoring loudly, which Regulus decided, was a good thing. It was an indicator that he was still asleep.

He edged closer to the bed, scanning the room for the key. It was nowhere in sight. He reached over to open the drawer to the bedside table next to where Slughorn was sleeping, and the snoring ceased suddenly.

Regulus froze in place, afraid to breathe. He would be in so much trouble if he was caught.

"Ah yes, a nice cup of tea would be lovely!" Slughorn said loudly in his sleep, and then continued with his snores.

Regulus let out a sigh of relief and opened the drawer. It was empty. There seemed to be nowhere else it could be.

 _Damn it_ , he thought, annoyed. Unwillingly, Regulus resigned to leaving. _I'll need to come up with something else._

* * *

The next morning flew by. He managed to catch Sirius in an empty hallway where they shared a kiss that was too heated for seven o'clock in the morning, and he'd spent the morning studying dragons in Care of Magical Creatures. That class always flew by because he enjoyed it so much.

After he finished his class, he had a few hours free and decided that he'd go and visit Remus in the hospital wing.

He reached the hospital wing and Madame Pomfrey told him that he had half an hour to visit. As he walked around the corner, he gasped at the state that Remus was in.

He was almost unrecognisable. Regulus couldn't believe what Sirius had done to him. It made him sick.

Regulus stepped towards Remus's bed and sat down on the chair next to him.

"Hey," he said.

Remus looked up at him with his good eye. The other was black and completely closed up. "Hi," he croaked.

"I'm so sorry," Regulus said quietly. "I feel responsible."

"Don't," Remus replied quickly. "If anyone should feel responsible it's _Sirius_ ," he said, spitting out Sirius's name.

"Hey, you threw a few punches too," Regulus said defensively. "He's been covered in bruises."

Remus laughed harshly. "He deserves worse."

"You two need to stop."

"This whole thing was completely blown out of proportion," Remus said with annoyance in his tone. "I never wanted to fight with him."

"I'm sorry, Remus," Regulus said again. "I shouldn't have kissed you."

"But you did," Remus said. "You can't change that, _I_ can't change that, and neither can Sirius. He needs to just deal with that."

"Give him some time," Regulus pleaded. "I don't want to be the reason you two stop being friends. And your friendship with him is the reason I'm friends with you."

Remus smiled. "I know. I'll forgive him when he apologises for what he's done. When he realises that _he_ was in the wrong."

Regulus sighed. He knew he wasn't getting anywhere. Neither of them wanted to forgive the other without the other admitting they were wrong. He decided that he should change the subject. "So we were learning about dragons today in Care of Magical Creatures."

"Oh yeah?" Remus said. "Did you enjoy it?"

"It was probably the most interesting lesson I've had so far," Regulus said enthusiastically, pulling his book out, about to show Remus everything he'd learned when he suddenly had the thought that Remus probably didn't care. He started putting the book away again when Remus held his hand out to take it. Regulus handed it over and watched as Remus read over his work.

Remus smiled and handed the book back. "Looks really interesting," he said. "I would have loved to take Care of Magical Creatures for NEWT level, but I only got an E in it for my OWLs."

" _You_ got an E?" Regulus asked. He knew that Remus was supposed to be one of the smartest students in Hogwarts.

"Yeah," Remus said with a hint of disappointment in his voice. "Anyway, apparently I was a mark away from an O."

"That's practically an O, then," Regulus said encouragingly.

"I could have done better," Remus said. "Oh well. It is what it is."

"Do you want me to bring you anything?" Regulus asked. "You must be pretty bored in here all day."

"I'm alright, thanks," Remus replied. "James and Peter have been bringing me chocolate and books."

Regulus nodded. "Well I hope you heal up soon. Don't go picking anymore fights."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Tell that to Sirius."

"I will," Regulus said. "I'll see you around."

"Thanks for seeing me," Remus said with a smile. Regulus smiled back and headed out of the hospital wing.

* * *

Regulus had time to kill. He wanted to be with Sirius, but Sirius's day was jam-packed with lessons. His friends were also in lessons, so he resigned to sitting in the library. He pulled his books out, and started his homework, which was starting to pile up.

It was relatively empty in the library, which Regulus preferred. He managed over half of his Charms essay when somebody walked into the library and distracted him. Regulus glanced up at Antonin Dolohov, who had just walked in. Dolohov was also in Slytherin, but in Sirius's year. Regulus had never really spoken to him before, but he had heard stories about him.

Hastily closing his books and putting his essay away, Regulus sprung up and headed over to Dolohov. He cleared his throat.

"Can I help?"

"Yeah, uh, can we talk?" Regulus whispered.

Dolohov raised his eyebrows and nodded. They headed round the back of one of the bookshelves so that they were hidden from view.

"So, er... I've heard you're able to get certain things..."

"Spit it out, Black," Dolohov said in a bored tone. "I have things to do."

"Can you get me some ingredients?" Regulus asked.

"No," Dolohov said. "You must have heard wrong. I don't _get_ people ingredients. I make them potions."

"Oh," Regulus said. "I'm pretty good at making potions though, I just need the ingredients."

"That's not what I do," Dolohov said. "I can make you a whole batch of potions, undetected, discreetly, and even add a couple of my specialties into the potions to give you that extra boost. People that have tried my potions can vouch for me that you can't find a better one anywhere."

"I don't know where to get the ingredients from," Regulus said. "I tried Slughorn's office last night, but I couldn't find the key to his cupboard."

"You're never getting in there, trust me," Dolohov said. "There is an ingredients market in Hogsmeade in a few days."

"We're not allowed to buy them. We can get expelled for even going there," Regulus said.

"That's why you _steal_ them," Dolohov said.

"Steal?" Regulus asked, feeling uneasy. He wasn't a criminal.

"Yes, steal," Dolohov replied. "Are you a Slytherin or not?"

Regulus thought about this. Sure, he could make the potion himself but he would still need to get the ingredients somehow. At least this way, he'd only be stealing the ingredients and wouldn't have the added offence of brewing the potion. He _needed_ that potion. It was unquestionable. He knew what he needed to do.

"I'll do it," he said, sounding braver than he felt.

Dolohov nodded. "So you know the ingredients, I take it?"

"Yes."

"The market is on in two days. Get the ingredients to me as soon as possible and I can have your batch ready in three days."

Regulus nodded. "Thanks," he mumbled.

Dolohov nodded back, and walked away, leaving Regulus alone to think about the decision he'd just made.

* * *

Regulus finally had a bit of time off when Sirius did. He met Sirius in the corridor leading to Charms class, and dragged him away into an unused classroom. When the door shut behind them, they were instantly on each other. It wasn't long before shirts were on the floor and breathing was heavy.

"S-stop!" Regulus panted, pushing Sirius off of him. "It's not the time or place."

"I say anywhere and any time is the time and place," Sirius mumbled, leaning closer. Regulus could feel himself getting high on Sirius's scent. His closeness was intoxicating. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"No, Sirius," Regulus said softly. "Stop seducing me."

Sirius groaned and picked their shirts off the floor, tossing Regulus's back at him, and putting his own shirt back on. "'Sup bro?"

"Don't say that," Regulus muttered, flushing deep red.

"Say what?" Sirius smirked. "Bro?"

"Yes."

"There's nothing wrong with calling you bro," Sirius said. "You _are_ my brother, after all."

"Enough, Sirius."

"Mmm, Reg... are you all embarrassed?" Sirius whispered, leaning closer again, planting soft kisses up and down Regulus's jaw and neck. Regulus groaned. It just felt too damned good. He really _really_ wanted to just let go and just take their relationship to the next level. In fact, he was struggling to find a reason not to. As usual.

"How do you _do_ that?" Regulus groaned, letting his head fall back as Sirius kissed him.

"Do what, love?" Sirius asked between kisses.

"You turn me on so easily!" Regulus mumbled, biting his lower lip to stop himself from moaning again.

"You must find me very sexy, bro," Sirius smirked, watching carefully as Regulus flushed scarlet again.

"Stop _saying_ that!"

Sirius laughed, and planted a kiss on Regulus's forehead. "You're adorable."

"I'm not adorable," Regulus said defensively, folding his arms.

"You really are," Sirius grinned.

"I'm a man," Regulus stated, his voice automatically going deeper. "Men can't be adorable."

"But you are," Sirius shrugged. "You're the most adorable man I have ever seen in my life."

Regulus huffed. "I'd prefer 'hot' or 'sexy'."

"Oh, you're those too," Sirius replied, sitting down on the desk next to Regulus. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did, but yes, you can ask something else."

" _Why_ can't we have sex?" Sirius asked.

Regulus laughed a little. "You're so desperate."

"Because you're bloody sexy and I need to fuck you."

"Calm down, Sirius," Regulus said quietly. "I have my reasons."

" _Why_?"

Regulus sighed. "I'll tell you if you do me a favour."

"Done, what's the favour?"

"I need to borrow your friend's invisibility cloak in a few days - _don't_ ask why," Regulus said quickly.

Sirius looked a little confused but nodded. "Now tell me why."

"Right, so I remember learning about sex," Regulus said slowly. "I know how things work. But, well... I don't have a clue about what, er, gay sex is. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared I'll do it wrong."

"Pretty simple really," Sirius said. "Blowjobs and anal."

" _Sirius!"_ Regulus hissed, embarrassed.

"You must know what a blowjob is," Sirius said.

"Of course I do," Regulus said, feeling himself blushing again.

"And you must know what anal sex is," Sirius continued.

"Yes," Regulus said. "But I still don't think I'll be able to do it right."

"All you have to do is lie there and let me do all the work," Sirius smirked, licking his lips.

"So why do I have to be the one getting fucked?" Regulus asked.

"Because I'm older," Sirius said. "Makes more sense."

Regulus pouted, his eyebrows furrowed. "That's not my fault."

"If you really want to be on top, that's fine, but we both know I'm the dominant one," Sirius winked.

"Fine," Regulus mumbled. "You can be it. The one on top."

Sirius nodded. "So are you ready?"

"Not yet," Regulus replied.

"You're driving me crazy here, Reg," Sirius said.

Regulus smiled a little. "I'm sorry."

"I'd better get back, my lesson started ten minutes ago," Sirius said, kissing Regulus firmly on the lips, leaving a lingering tingle through Regulus's body.

"Bye," Regulus said softly, as Sirius left the room.

* * *

It was the day. He'd convinced his teachers that he was ill, and so everybody thought that Regulus was sleeping in his room. In reality, he was standing behind a shop in Hogsmeade wearing James Potter's invisibility cloak. His heart was thumping so loud, he was amazed that nobody else could hear it.

He stared at the market, at the different stalls and the different witches and wizards. He tried to memorise were he needed to go. He tried to rationalise what he was about to do in his head.

_It's not stealing, it's just borrowing._

He shook his head. He couldn't call it borrowing because he wasn't going to return the ingredients.

_It's just taking what I need. It shouldn't be classed as stealing._

But he knew that if he was caught, he could be expelled from Hogwarts, or worse - sent to Azkaban.

He heard footsteps behind him and drew in a breath. He was caught. It was over.

But the person walked straight past him. He sighed in relief and decided it was now or never. He tip-toed across the cobbled path into the centre of the market. Even though he was under the invisibility cloak, he felt like people could see him. It was terrifying.

He slowly headed towards the stall which held the first of his ingredients, and shakily reached into the basket and grabbed a handful of Shrivelfig sprigs. He silently dropped them into his bag that he had under the cloak, and headed to the next stall.

This stall was very busy. Somebody barged right into him, knocking him over. He scrambled back up and hurried far enough away so that the person who had walked into him wouldn't detect him.

_Calm down, you can do this._

After composing himself, Regulus headed back over to the stall and hastily grabbed some porcupine quills and peppermint sprigs.

_Only two more stalls._

He headed over to the next stall, which wasn't as busy as the last. The wizard who was manning the stall was busy talking to an interested customer, so Regulus took his opportunity and grabbed the wormwood.

The last ingredient was the sopophorous beans. They were extremely expensive and extremely valuable. He knew this would be the hardest ingredient to obtain. Sure enough, the stall was right in the middle of the market, in view of everyone.

Regulus stood in place, watching the people around him carefully. The stall wizard was talking to two customers, while another customer browsed. Regulus edged closer to the basket and kept his eyes on the two customers and the stall wizard. When nobody was watching, he reached his hand out and took a handful of beans.

_"THIEF! THIEF, RIGHT THERE!"_

Regulus froze. Surely they couldn't be talking about him - he was invisible. He turned around and noticed that the person who had yelled was standing right behind him. To Regulus's horror, he realised his hand had been uncovered when he'd gone to pick up the beans.

" _RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! THERE'S A THIEF WEARING AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK! GRAB THEM!"_

Regulus tossed the beans into his bag and sprinted away from the market. He ran faster than he ever imagined was possible, and he didn't stop until he was safe in the Slytherin common room. He was sure people were staring at him. He was probably panting so loud that they knew he was there.

He headed up to his dormitory and threw the cloak off. That had been a close call. If he'd been caught...

He tried not to think about it.

He knew he should be happy that he managed to get the ingredients. He knew he should be proud of his achievement. He knew he should be relieved that he'd get his potion.

But he just couldn't feel any of those things.

He was a criminal, and things could only get worse from there. Once a criminal, always a criminal. Only the crimes get worse.

Regulus closed his eyes and sighed. At least the potion would take away his uneasy thoughts.

He lay down on his bed and pulled the covers over himself, and he no longer had to pretend that he was feeling ill, because he felt sick to his stomach as he drifted of into restless sleep.


	36. The Full Moon

Sirius was sitting alone in the Gryffindor common room, staring out of the window. It was already dark, and the nights were getting colder. It was misty outside, and just staring out made Sirius shiver a little. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on what he was there to think about. He lost focus when he heard a chair move. He turned to face James, who had just sat down opposite him.

"What's wrong?" James asked.

Sirius sighed and shrugged. "Nothing."

"Sirius, you forget I've known you for seven years," James said. "I know your worried face, and you have it on right now."

"Not worried," Sirius said. "Just… unsure of what to do."

"What's up?"

Sirius glanced out of the window and then back at James. "It's a full moon tonight. I'm still _so_ angry at Remus, but I've never not helped him at the full moon."

James nodded. "I know what you're feeling."

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Remus and I weren't talking for almost seven months," James said quietly. "I never missed one full moon though."

"I _want_ to miss it," Sirius said through gritted teeth. "Does that make me a horrible person?"

"Of course not," James said. "You're upset, and you're hurt. So you want him to hurt too."

"Exactly!"

"But haven't you hurt him enough these past few weeks?" James pointed out. "He's been in the hospital wing so much lately."

"Of course I don't want him to rip himself apart tonight. I don't want that. I hate him but I still care about him, on a higher level. The very thought of missing a full moon just feels like that's the end of our relationship forever."

"So you must still want him as a friend," James said. "Otherwise you wouldn't care."

"In the past, he's been the most wonderful, empathetic and compassionate friend. He even taught me those big words. Why would I want to lose a friend like that? But then I think to myself, was he really empathetic? Maybe it was just a lie. I don't know, James. He's broken my trust."

"I know you'll do the right thing," James said with a smile. "Do you know what helped me when I was angry with Remus? I tried to think of things from his point of view. It really made me realise that maybe _I_ was being a bit of an idiot."

"A bit?" Sirius joked. "I'm kidding. But when I think of things from Remus's perspective all I can imagine is them kissing and I don't want that image in my head."

James nodded. "Incoming," he said, his voice dropping a few octaves.

Sirius turned around and rolled his eyes as Lily walked in. "I'm going upstairs then."

"Hey, Evans!"

"I thought we were now on a first name basis after becoming head boy and girl?" Lily said.

"Well, that suits me just fine. How are you, Lily?"

"I'm fine. We have a prefect meeting to plan," Lily said coolly.

"Or we could just kiss?" James said.

Sirius heard a thump and glanced down to see James clutching at his forehead and Lily holding a particularly heavy book. Sirius laughed to himself and opened the door to his dormitory.

Peter's curtains were closed, so Sirius could only assume he had smuggled Shannon Bowler into the dormitory and was doing unspeakable (and unthinkable) things behind the curtains. Sirius tried to scourgify his mind.

Remus was sitting on his own bed. He had looked up when Sirius had entered the room, and hastily went back to reading his book.

Sirius sat down on his own bed and looked at Remus. He looked awful. He was covered in bruises still, even though it had been a few days since Sirius had last gotten into a fight with him. Remus always looked awful before a full moon, but today he looked terrible. Sirius hoped it had nothing to do with their fight.

"It's a full moon tonight," Sirius said quietly, not looking at Remus.

He didn't get a reply.

"I've spent all day wondering whether I should go down the Shrieking Shack tonight."

He glanced at Remus who was looking at him now. Remus shrugged.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked.

"It means that I don't care."

"You do care."

"I really don't. You mean nothing to me," Remus said coldly.

Sirius nodded. "That's fine, I won't be coming then."

"Cool."

"Right."

Remus went back to reading his book, and Sirius used all of his strength to stop himself walking up to Remus and punching him again. Just looking at Remus made him angry.

He stood up and headed back out of the dormitory again. He walked straight past James and Lily, who were sitting at a desk talking quietly. Sirius was amazed at how civil Lily was being. It was a rare occasion to see the two of them like that.

He headed down through the different moving staircases and through tapestries and corridors, not really headed anywhere, just walking.

Sirius had a feeling that if he didn't go down to the Shrieking Shack tonight to be there for Remus, he would regret it for a long time. At the same time, he felt like he was letting himself down by going.

He hated this. The amount of difficult choices and decisions he had to make, and the number of things he had to be stressed about – it wasn't normal for someone of his age. Couldn't he be carefree like others?

He wished he was in Hufflepuff. They always seemed so happy and calm. Not a care in the world. He shook his head. That would be a wonderful thing.

He was so deep in thought that he didn't realise that he was about to walk into someone until they were both on the floor.

"Sorry," he muttered. When he looked up, he groaned. He wished he hadn't apologised.

"Watch where you're going, Black," Snape spat, getting to his feet. Sirius stood up.

"You too, Snivelly."

"Heard you put Lupin in the hospital wing," Snape said with a sneer. "Is that how you treat your friends?"

"Mind your own business," Sirius said.

"Makes me think you've had a disagreement," Snape continued. "He can't be in a good place right now."

"As much as this has been a lovely conversation, I am sick of hearing your voice to I'm going now," Sirius said, starting to walk away.

"It's a full moon tonight, isn't it? I heard that werewolves have died on full moons after going through stressful situations. Let's hope he's not too stressed, shall we?"

Sirius swivelled round to see Snape smirking at him. Why did he think this was funny? He wanted more than anything to hex him, but he knew he shouldn't.

"You're making that up!"

"I'm not, actually," Snape said, with a satisfied smile. "The anger or stress that he feels, the wolf will feel too. He could literally claw himself to death. That's the leading cause of death in werewolves, since most are clinically depressed _because_ they are werewolves. It's a tragic cycle."

"Why are you smiling? You're sick, if you think somebody killing themselves is funny," Sirius spat, angrily.

"Oh, I'm not smiling because he might kill himself," Snape said. "I'm smiling because if he did kill himself, you would be responsible. I'd love to see your face then."

Sirius had no words.

"I'd love to see _you_ spiral out of control. Maybe you'd handle it better than your brother, or I'm hoping you won't be so lucky and you take one too many pills."

"How _dare_ you!" Sirius yelled, his blood boiling beneath his skin. "If you're not careful, I'll fucking kill _you_. I'm sure your parents wouldn't find _that_ funny."

"And you really would kill me, wouldn't you?" Snape said, unbothered by Sirius's harsh words. "See, that's the difference between you and I. I think before I act, and you act before you think. You almost killed me once, you will _probably_ kill Lupin tonight, and you've just threatened to kill me right now."

"You say that like I'm a murderer," Sirius said, irritated.

"Not yet, but I don't doubt that you will be," Snape replied. "I should get going. Say 'hello' to Lupin for me."

Sirius clenched his fists and gritted his teeth.

_Don't go after him. Don't go after him. Calm down. It isn't worth it._

He inhaled, and exhaled. Heading into a classroom nearby, he checked the time. Remus should be on his way down to the Whomping Willow right about now.

Snape's words haunted his mind.

' _You will probably kill Lupin tonight'._

Sirius shivered and walked back the way he'd came. He hoped to encounter Remus on the way back up to the Gryffindor Tower, but he hadn't. He would have said anything to put Remus's mind at ease for this one night.

But he was too late – Remus was already down there.

Sirius's choice was made. He would have to go down there tonight, and do everything within his power to stop Remus from killing himself. He also feared for his friend's lives because if he was angrier than usual, they probably weren't safe.

By the time Sirius entered the dormitory, James and Peter were getting ready to go down to the Whomping Willow.

"I'm coming with you," Sirius said breathlessly. "I need to."

James smiled. "That's good. I knew you'd make the right choice."

"Are you okay, Sirius?" Peter asked, looking worried. "You seem upset."

"I don't think Remus is safe," Sirius said. "Apparently werewolves have killed themselves in the past if they've been upset or angry about something. If he kills himself…"

"-He won't," Peter said. "Who told you that?"

" _Snivellus_."

"Since when do you take what _he_ says seriously?" James said. "Remus will be fine. Come on."

Sirius nodded and followed them out of the dormitory, but he had a bad feeling that Snape had not been lying.

* * *

The three of them were standing before the Whomping Willow, as always. They nodded to one another before transforming into their animagus forms. James stood tall, while Peter disappeared in the long grass. Moments later, the tree froze, and Peter reappeared and climbed up onto James's antler.

They headed down through the secret passageway that led to the Shrieking Shack. It was a very long passageway, but Sirius could always hear Remus from afar with his dog hearing.

Remus certainly sounded more dangerous than usual. His growls were louder, more ferocious. Sirius was not sure he wanted to enter the room at the end of the tunnel.

They finally reached the door, and Sirius stood up on two legs to open it. The three of them slowly edged into the room, and Sirius was immediately flung to the ground.

He looked up and the wolf was on top of him, teeth bared. Sirius was truly terrified. He barked at the wolf, in hope that he would back down, but he kept snapping at him.

Remus was thrown off of him by James, and Sirius took this opportunity to get up. Remus was definitely acting out of the ordinary.

Ordinarily, the three of them would keep him company and he wouldn't dare to attack them.

Now, his stare was burning deep into Sirius. He let out a fierce growl and lunged back at him. Sirius managed to get out of the way.

James stepped forwards, leaning his head down so that his sharp antlers were in place to attack Remus if he had to. Remus could see that this was what James had planned, so backed away.

Hesitantly, Sirius stepped towards the wolf. He made a small sound which was the equivalent to a 'sorry' in dog language.

The wolf growled at him again, and Sirius bravely continued forwards.

It happened all at once – one moment Sirius and Remus were standing facing one another, and the next, the wolf was tearing shreds into him.

The pain was excruciating. He was desperately trying to get free, but the wolf was much bigger and much stronger.

He knew that James was attempting to help but Remus wasn't having it.

Sirius tried to bite back, to cause some sort of damage, but before he knew it, the wolf had sunk its teeth deep into Sirius's side, causing him to let out a loud howl.

The more Sirius struggled against the wolf, the more painful it was becoming. Remus's claws were like razorblades, cutting deep gashes into him from all angles.

He was ready to pass out from the pain. He used every ounce of strength he had left in him to try and push Remus off of him, but he was only awarded with another excruciating bite to the front leg.

And suddenly the weight had been lifted, and Remus was no longer on top of him. His vision was going blurry, and he was barely conscious of what was happening.

All he could see was a flash of light, and all he could hear was the wolf howling in pain.

He glanced over to James, who was no longer a stag. He had transformed into human form and had his wand out, his arm shaking. His wand was still pointed at Remus.

"Peter, turn and help Sirius out of the room," James said.

Sirius saw Peter turn back into himself, and he could feel himself being pulled out of the room.

A loud growl came from the room, and then the door slammed, and James was next to him. He had left Remus alone in the room.

"We need to get Sirius to the hospital wing. Can you hear me, mate?" James said quickly. Sirius let out a whine to acknowledge James.

"You'll need to turn back into a human," James said.

Sirius turned back and the pain seemed to triple. The dog had been stronger than Sirius, so he immediately let out an ear-splitting cry and grasped at his side, where Remus had bitten him.

"Is that – I mean – will you become a werewolf too?" Peter asked, sounding terrified.

"He won't," James said, but Sirius could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

He felt himself being lifted, and somewhere between the door to the Shrieking Shack and the hospital wing, he completely blacked out.


	37. Placing The Blame

_It was magnificent. Everything was magnificent. That was the only thing that Regulus could think as he stood in the middle of the rainforest, staring around at his surroundings in complete awe. It was like paradise. He couldn't wipe the smile off of his face._

_The sounds of the trees rustling from wildlife, and the trickle of water from the stream, and faint sounds of a waterfall somewhere in the distance only made him smile more. The smell of leaves and greenery were like Amortentia to him._

_He walked, careful not to stumble over the roots of the tallest tree he had ever seen in his life. He wanted to look at everything all at once but he knew he wouldn't get anywhere if he did. There was something about being in the rainforest that was very peaceful. He felt like he could spend the rest of his life here and be content._

_Away from the world, away from people, away from reality._

_There was an opening in the trees ahead of him. He headed over to the opening, and pushed the branches aside. When he stepped out, he realised that he was standing on the edge of a cliff. He must have been at least three thousand metres from the ground. As much as he was scared, he couldn't help but look down at the fantastic valley so far beneath him._

_Along the cliff line, he could see the waterfall that he had heard earlier. He could not tear his eyes away from it. He had never imagined a waterfall as tall as this one. It looked impossible but yet it was there, before him._

_He sat down on the mossy ground, hanging his legs over the side of the cliff. Just sitting there was exhilarating. He put his hand into his bag to take out his camera-_

Regulus awoke very suddenly, clutching at his right arm. The pain in his arm was so intense that he had to grit his teeth to stop himself from crying out.

And suddenly another there was another shoot of pain right down his leg. It felt as though someone had taken a knife and scraped it down his leg. He could feel something wet on his leg.

Regulus fumbled for his wand, and cast the _lumos_ charm. With great difficulty, he pulled his pyjama trousers up to examine his leg. There was a long, deep gash down his shin with a copious amount of blood streaming out of it.

Before he could even react to it, the same thing started happening all over his body. It was like there was some invisible person slashing him with a knife. The pain was agonising, and he could not even stand up. Every time he tried to move, he would get slashed again.

He let out a horrific scream as he felt the most awful pain in his left side. It was like someone had taken a chunk out of him, and he felt like he would black out from the pain.

He was vaguely aware of his curtains opening, and his friends staring at him with panic. He felt their arms around him, lifting him out of his bed.

There were more of the slashes all over, and he was sure he was about to lose all of the blood in his body. He was sure he was dying.

He wasn't holding back now on the screaming. It was impossible not to scream.

Barty and Scabior were talking to him – probably trying to reassure him, but he couldn't hear their words. Their voices sounded muffled. All Regulus could hear was his own cries.

" _MAKE IT STOP!"_ he shouted desperately, and as if it was punishing him, another intense pain started in his arm. He couldn't bear it anymore.

Darkness engulfed him.

* * *

Regulus opened his eyes, and he sighed when he realised he was in the hospital wing. _Again_. He felt like the hospital wing was a second home to him.

He was lying there for about a minute when it all came back to him. The terrific pains, the gashes, the blood. He tried to sit up, but he felt too much pain in his side.

"Oh, hello Mister Black," Madame Pomfrey said when she realised that Regulus was awake.

"What happened to me?"

"I was hoping you could tell _me_."

Regulus was confused. Was he supposed to know what had happened? He'd been sleeping when it happened, and he had been having a very nice dream.

"I don't know," Regulus said. "One second I was asleep, and the next, I felt like I was dying."

Madame Pomfrey raised her eyebrows, and grabbed the curtains that were concealing his hospital bed from the rest of the wing. She pulled the curtain open and then headed off to attend to another patient. Regulus glanced at the person in the bed next to him. It was Sirius.

" _Sirius_?"

Sirius turned to face him. He looked awful. He was covered in lacerations, and that was just his face.

"What are you doing here? What happened?" Regulus asked worriedly.

"I was attacked," Sirius croaked.

"By… oh… it was a full moon last night, wasn't it?" Regulus said. "He attacked you."

"And you," Sirius said. "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry."

"I don't understand," Regulus said.

"We're linked, remember," Sirius replied, looking guilty. "It's my fault."

Regulus closed his eyes. That made sense. He pulled up his shirt to take a look at the wound in his side. It was covered with bandages.

"Did you get bitten?" Regulus asked.

"Yeah," Sirius wheezed. "In my side and in my arm."

"You're not going to become a-"

"-Of course not," Sirius said quickly. "I wasn't human," he said, lowering his voice. "It won't do anything."

"Are you sure?" Regulus asked.

"I hope," Sirius said. "James is looking it up right now. But the whole reason I became an animagus was so that he wouldn't be a danger to me. I think I'm safe."

"Good," Regulus said. "You still look sexy," he said quietly.

Sirius smiled. "So do you."

There were loud footsteps, and the James Potter appeared.

"Sirius," he said breathlessly. He was stopped in his tracks when he noticed Regulus there. "Regulus," he said. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm linked to him," Sirius said. "Your idea, remember?"

"Oh," he said, looking horrified. "I'm sorry," he said to Regulus.

Regulus waved it off.

"Good news, Sirius. It won't have an effect on you," Potter said. Regulus inwardly sighed in relief and smiled at Sirius, who smiled back at him.

"Thank Merlin," Sirius said.

"Time to sleep, boys," Madame Pomfrey said, handing Sirius a potion and then handing Regulus a potion. "You need your rest."

Regulus took his potion without a second thought.

* * *

"Reg."

"Mmm, what?" Regulus mumbled.

"You're awake," he heard Sirius say.

Regulus opened his eyes to see Sirius sitting on a chair next to him. His wounds had pretty much healed. He still had cuts on his face but they were almost all gone.

"You're better," Regulus said happily. "That was quick."

"I know," Sirius said, frowning. "You're not."

Regulus tried to sit up, but the pain in his side was still excruciating. He felt like it was still bleeding, and it probably was. It wasn't exactly a small wound.

"Why?" he asked.

"I don't know," Sirius said. His mind seemed to be elsewhere. The look on his face was worry.

"What's wrong, Sirius?"

"Nothing," Sirius said, shaking his head. "How are you feeling?"

"Good actually," Regulus said. "Now that you're here, I mean. You smell amazing. It just automatically cheers me up."

"I probably smell like sweat," Sirius said, laughing. "You're weird."

"Well it smells nice, anyway," Regulus said. "Blocks out that disgusting medicine smell."

"I don't smell anything," Sirius said.

"Count yourself lucky," Regulus replied. "It's burning my nostrils."

He felt Sirius's hand on his face, caressing his cheek. "I love you," Sirius said softly.

Regulus smiled. "I love you, too. I was having the most amazing dream that night before you were attacked."

"What happened in your dream?"

"I was in a rainforest. Just me. It was so peaceful and beautiful," Regulus said, closing his eyes and smiling. "It was just perfect. I would love to go there in real life. I'd love to travel and study the magical creatures in the rainforest."

Sirius smiled at him. "That sounds wonderful," he said. "So you want to be a Magizoologist?"

"It's my dream job," Regulus said.

"I think you could do it," Sirius said. "You're good at Care of Magical Creatures and Defense Against The Dark Arts, aren't you?"

"Yeah, pretty good at them," Regulus replied.

"They do exchange programmes, you know?" Sirius said. "You could go to Castelobruxo and study there for a year."

"I know, Sirius," Regulus said. "It sounds amazing, but I couldn't afford it."

"Neither could I. But I promise you, we'll go there – to the Amazon Rainforest. We can build a house there or something."

Regulus laughed. "You have some wild ideas."

"I just want you to be happy, Reg," Sirius said. "Anyway, I was attacked by a dog. That's the story, if anybody asks."

"Quite ironic," Regulus said. "Since you are a dog."

"Yeah. I had to explain to the teachers about how we were linked. They made me reverse the spell. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Regulus said. "I'm alright now. I won't hurt myself."

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," Regulus replied. "I'm happy now."

Sirius beamed at him. "I'm glad."

Regulus had been taking the Elixir to Induce Euphoria for a few weeks now, and he hadn't been happier. The horrible thoughts that had plagued his mind the last couple of months were just _gone_.

The only price was going into Hogsmeade once a month to steal ingredients. The stealing still made him feel uneasy, but it was worth it. The feeling after taking the potion was worth everything.

"How is Remus?" Regulus asked, suddenly realising that Remus must be tearing himself up inside for what had happened.

"He's in his private hospital bed," Sirius said. "He won't talk to me."

"Does he know what happened?" Regulus asked.

"I don't know. Probably. I'm sure he's talked to James," Sirius said. "I don't blame him at all. He didn't know what he was doing, and he was angered anyway."

"Do you think it's safe to go and be with him next month?" Regulus asked.

Sirius nodded. "It was because he was in a bad place. His emotions have an effect on the wolf. It's _my_ fault."

"It's not your fault," Regulus said. "If it was anybody's fault, it was mine."

"No, Reg."

"It was," Regulus said. "I'm the reason you two are fighting. He attacked you because you're fighting. It's my fault."

"Don't think like that," Sirius said softly. "You should sleep, you look tired."

"I just want to get out of this place," Regulus sighed. "Can you give me some of your magic healing powers?"

"I think I healed quick because it happened to me in dog form," Sirius said. "I don't know how that even works, but I'm sure that's the reason."

Regulus nodded.

"Go to sleep," Sirius said, leaning forwards and kissing him on the forehead.

"How can I say no to that?" Regulus asked, smiling up at him. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, love."

* * *

"Mister Black, please wake up," Madame Pomfrey said. Regulus unwillingly opened his eyes. Sirius was still sitting next to him, though he was wearing different clothes. A day had passed. Maybe more.

Sirius looked worried, scared and nervous all in one.

"Your wounds in your side and in your arm are not healing," Madame Pomfrey said.

"That's weird," Regulus croaked. "He certainly didn't feel much better. If anything, he felt worse.

"Sirius, you need to be honest with me," Madame Pomfrey said, sounding stern. "Was it a dog that attacked you?"

Sirius glanced at Regulus, and then at the matron. "Er, no. It wasn't a dog."

Madame Pomfrey nodded. "I am struggling to understand why they attack has not affected you in the same way it has your brother, Sirius."

"I'd rather not get into it," Sirius said awkwardly, shifting in his seat.

"Mmhmm," she mumbled. "Well, unfortunately it's not good news."

"What is it?" Regulus asked.

"I am assuming that the bite was from a werewolf," Madame Pomfrey said. "Am I right?"

Sirius nodded.

"You are very lucky, Sirius. The bite should have turned you."

"But it didn't," Sirius said. "So what's wrong with Regulus?"

"The reason I had my suspicions that it was a werewolf bite is because of your injuries, Regulus. The gashes have mostly healed but they have scarred. Your bites – the only bites I know that don't heal like that are werewolf bites. They kill you."

"But I'm still alive," Regulus said.

"I'm thinking since it wasn't a direct bite – how it came through the link to Sirius – it's not the same. You are dying, slowly."

Regulus couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was dying? This couldn't be true. Sirius looked as though he would be sick.

"Well what can you do about it?!" Sirius yelled hysterically. "I'm not letting him die."

"I can heal it," Madame Pomfrey said. "With powdered silver and dittany. The only risk is that because it's such a unique situation, there may be consequences. I don't know whether healing your wound will turn you into a werewolf."

Regulus's breath hitched in his throat. "I might… become a werewolf?"

"I truly hope you won't. But you will die otherwise," Madame Pomfrey said.

"This isn't fair," Sirius said. "This is all my fault."

"Stop blaming yourself," Regulus said quickly. "Just heal the bites, please."

"Are you sure?" Madame Pomfrey said.

"Well," Regulus said. "Rather that than be dead, right?"

Madame Pomfrey nodded. "I shall go and get the powdered silver and dittany. I will be back in a moment."

She left them alone, and Sirius reached for Regulus's hand, holding onto it tightly. "You'll be okay, Reg."

Regulus nodded, trying to stay brave. "Of course I will."

Madame Pomfrey reappeared, and Sirius didn't let go of his hand. She lifted Regulus's sleeve, and pulled away the bandage that was concealing one of his bites. Regulus hadn't seen it yet, and it was worse than he had expected.

"This may sting a little, but it should be instant. You will feel better."

Regulus nodded, and she put her hand into the bowl and sprinkled the powder over his wound. It did sting a little, but it was nice compared the pain he had felt before.

And instant it was. He looked down and the wound had closed up. There was a silvery tinge to the scar that remained. Madame Pomfrey then proceeded to healing his other bite that was on his side.

It was such a relief to sit up without wincing. He smiled confidently. "I don't feel any different."

"You wouldn't," Madame Pomfrey said. "If you were going to become a werewolf, you would have felt the changed since the moment you woke after being attacked."

"What would I feel?"

"Werewolves in human form have certain tendencies. They have heightened senses. They can hear things from further away, smell things that others can't. They are slightly stronger than humans. Silver burns them."

"I thought that was just a myth," Regulus said.

"No, believe me it's real," Sirius said. Regulus wondered when poor Remus had been subject to silver-testing by his friends. "Reg, you could smell that medicine when I couldn't."

"I'm sure that's nothing."

"It's something," Madame Pomfrey said. "Here, hold onto this." She was holding a silver spoon in her hand.

Hesitantly, Regulus reached for the spoon. He took it in his hands. It wasn't hot, like he'd have imagined. It didn't burn him, but after letting go his hands stung a little. It was like touching a stinging nettle. Irritating but bearable.

"You're not a werewolf," Sirius said, with relief heavy in his voice.

"It stung, though."

"I agree with Sirius," Madame Pomfrey said. "It didn't burn you. You aren't a werewolf. I suspect you are part-werewolf, though. I'm not sure what that means. We will have to monitor you, and we will need to take precautions at the next full moon. We need to be very careful as we don't know what will happen."

Regulus shivered at the thought. What if being part-werewolf still meant that he would have to transform at the full moon? He had heard terrible stories about werewolf transformations. He'd heard about the pain, and the feeling of dread of hurting someone. He'd heard it was one of the worst afflictions one could have.

"What should I do?" he asked.

"Come back to me if anything happens that you are worried about," Madame Pomfrey said. "I will need to tell Professor Dumbledore about this, unfortunately. I'm sure he will want to speak with you regarding what to do at the full moon."

"Okay," Regulus said.

"You are free to go, now."

"Thanks," Regulus said, slowly climbing out of his hospital bed. Sirius stood up, nodded to Madame Pomfrey, and helped Regulus walk out of the hospital wing.

When they entered the corridor, Regulus was taken by surprise as Sirius pulled him into a kiss. He kissed back, smiling into it. He'd forgotten what it was like to kiss Sirius. He felt like he'd been in the hospital wing forever.

Sirius's arms were wrapped tight around him, like he never wanted to let go. When the kiss broke, Sirius still held onto him.

"I'm here for you, Reg," Sirius whispered in his ear. Regulus rested his head on Sirius's upper chest and smiled again.

"Thank you, Sirius. I love you."

"I love you, too. We will get through this, I promise."


	38. Long Talks and Loveseats

Sirius was sitting in his room surrounded by a pile of books. Peter had actually picked up one of the books and hit himself over the head with it just to make sure he wasn't imagining things. Sirius surrounded by books was like seeing a fish that could walk. It was strange.

He was desperately searching through every book he could get his hands on for something about being part-werewolf. So far, he had had no success. He was getting more and more frustrated by the lack of information on the matter – then again, he had to admit that their situation was a pretty extraordinary one.

He slammed the last book shut and tossed it aside on top of the 'not-going-to-help' pile. The pile was getting pretty large. He was distracted by the sound of the dormitory door opening, and Remus shuffling into the room, looking weak.

Sirius hadn't seen or spoken to Remus since the day of the full moon before the attack. He watched in silence as Remus shuffled along over to his bed and sat down on it.

He wasn't sure whether to say anything. Remus made his decision for him.

"Sirius, I'd like to talk to you," Remus said quietly. Sirius nodded quickly and slid off of his bed and sat down next to Remus.

"I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about what happened," Remus said. There were tears forming in his eyes. "On the day of the full moon, I said that you mean nothing to me. That's not true. I'm so sorry. The thought – if I had killed – Sirius, that would have killed _me_."

"It's okay," Sirius said.

"No, it really isn't okay." Remus said. "I could have killed you!"

"But you didn't," Sirius replied. "So don't worry about it, honestly."

"The point is, I could have killed you," Remus continued as if Sirius hadn't spoken. "I could have killed _myself_ , and the thought of leaving you feeling guilty and thinking that you mean nothing to me is tearing me apart inside."

Sirius wasn't sure what to say. On one hand, he was happy that Remus alright, but on the other, he was still furious with him about everything else. This incident wouldn't make amends for their problems.

"Mmhm," he said simply, looking away.

"You don't mean nothing to me. You mean everything. You're my best friend. And I am _so_ incredibly sorry for what happened on the full moon. Not only that, I'm so sorry for what happened with Regulus and what I said about your relationship."

"Remus, can we just leave it?"

"I don't want to leave it with you hating me," Remus pleaded. "I miss you. This has made me realise that I need you by my side. If anything ever happened to either of us, the other would regret not making up, right?"

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said, shrugging. "But you're suggesting that I forgive you for kissing him and telling me that you don't condone my relationship after acting so supportive before, _just_ in case one of us dies and the other feels guilty that we aren't talking? That's ridiculous, Remus. Because I'm still pissed at you."

Remus nodded slowly. "I get it. And I'm sorry."

"Not good enough," Sirius said. "Let's just pretend we were never friends, okay? A clean break."

"I don't want that, though."

"Well _I_ do," Sirius said, although he could feel no truth beneath his words. "I want nothing to do with you. I won't be at the full moon with you next month, and I want you to be okay with that so that you don't let your emotions get in the way during your transformation."

"You're really ending our friendship over one _stupid_ kiss?" Remus said, disbelief thick in his voice. "I'm not even – I'm straight, Sirius. You _know_ it meant nothing-"

"-Don't talk about it," Sirius said through gritted teeth. "It's done. If you are going to keep trying to get me to forgive you, I'll make it easier and I won't sleep in this dormitory anymore."

Remus let out a deep breath and shook his head. "You don't have to. I just thought we would get past this. But just know that I _do_ care about you."

"Okay," Sirius said, standing up and heading back to his own bed to begin another fruitless search for answers that he knew in his heart of hearts that he would not get.

* * *

It was four o'clock – Sirius and Regulus were both on free period – and Sirius was headed to the Room of Requirement. He and Regulus had agreed to meet there to discuss the werewolf problem – and kiss.

Sirius turned round the corner to catch Regulus taking a swig of something and then hastily stashing it away in his bag.

"Hey, Reg," Sirius said, walking towards him and pulling him in for a hug. They stood and waited for the door to appear to the Room of Requirement, and headed inside.

"Hey," Regulus said. "Any luck?"

"What were you drinking?" Sirius asked as they sat on a loveseat the room had conjured up. Regulus frowned at him.

"Huh?"

"That thing you were drinking just before I arrived – what was it?"

"Oh, it was nothing," Regulus said quickly.

"It was something."

"Just something we made in potions this morning," Regulus said. "I was just trying it out."

"You don't have potions first period on a Thursday, Reg. I know your timetable, remember?" Sirius said. "You lied to me."

Regulus sighed. "It doesn't matter, okay."

"Why did you lie to me?" Sirius asked. "Is it something I won't approve of?"

Regulus snorted and rolled his eyes at Sirius. "You aren't at liberty to approve of what I do."

"I'm your-" Sirius tried to think of something that could sum up their relationship in a single word, but he couldn't. "I'm your other half."

Regulus laughed. "You're going with _that_?"

"It's not funny. I'm serious."

"Would it be funny if I made the Sirius joke right now?"

"Reg," Sirius said, annoyed. "I mean it. What were you drinking?"

"You don't need to know," Regulus said, folding his arms and leaning back in the seat. "It's really none of your business."

"I'm your brother!" Sirius yelled.

Regulus raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "And?"

"I _don't_ approve of you drinking something and not telling me what it is," Sirius said. "It makes me think it's not good for you, and given your history, I am allowed to have those suspicions."

"You're not allowed to act like the concerned older brother anymore," Regulus said. "You said goodbye to that role the second you started thinking of me in a romantic way."

"Stop it," Sirius said sternly. "I'm not _acting_ like anything. I _am_ a concerned older brother, and I _do_ love you, which is why you need to tell me."

Regulus groaned. "It's just a potion."

"And what does it do?"

"It just makes me happy. No big deal," Regulus said.

"How long have you been taking it?" Sirius asked.

"About a month. Why?"

Sirius ignored Regulus's question. "How often do you take it?"

"I don't know, Sirius. Maybe five or six times per day. Sometimes more. Depends."

Sirius didn't like the sound of this. He'd heard stories of people getting addicted to potions, and he already knew that Regulus had the sort of personality for it.

"Where are you even having the time to make this potion?" Sirius asked. At this, Sirius saw Regulus's expression change from a forced innocent expression to an undoubtedly guilty one.

"Forget it."

"No. Tell me."

"Antonin Dolohov is making it for me," Regulus shrugged.

"And you're paying him how?"

"Oh, he's doing it because he's my friend," Regulus said, but Sirius could hear the lie as though it was yelling at him.

"He isn't your friend," Sirius said bluntly. "What are you paying him?"

"I'm getting the ingredients for him," Regulus said, shrugging again. "For my potion and for others."

"How are you getting the ingredients?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Regulus!"

Regulus looked a little stunned. Sirius never called him that.

"Don't hate me," Regulus whispered. "I'm not doing it because I _want_ to, and I definitely don't agree with it. I'm doing it because I _need_ the potion. It stops the horrible thoughts and it stops me from wanting to cut myself, and I just _need_ it."

"Do you even _hear_ yourself?" Sirius said, angry. "What are you doing, stealing ingredients?"

Regulus was quiet for a minute and then he sighed. "Yes."

"That's beneath you," Sirius said, and for the first time in his life, he wished his mother was there to set Regulus straight. "What would Mum say?"

"Who gives a crap what _she_ would say?"

"She'd call you a disgrace and an embarrassment."

"Is that what _you_ would call me?" Regulus challenged, looking hurt.

Sirius sighed. "No. You aren't a thief. I'd say you have a troubled mind, and you need to work through your problems – not cover them up and add to them further."

"I don't understand the problem," Regulus said. "I'm stealing. Okay, not ideal, but it's not a big crime. It's not like I'm stealing from people's houses. It's just a few ingredients. And in return I get to feel happy."

"All you did was replace one addiction with another, and in the process you broke the law," Sirius said.

"Okay, but you really have no say in the matter," Regulus replied, shuffling further away from him. "Just pretend you never saw."

"Stop taking the potion," Sirius said.

"No."

"Reg," Sirius said, moving closer to him and taking his face between his hands. "I _love_ you. I know what's best for you, and this isn't."

Regulus stared back into Sirius's eyes, and for a second, Sirius thought that he was considering it. But then Regulus took Sirius's hands and dragged them away from his face.

"Your views are twisted by being in Gryffindor," Regulus said. "This is the right thing to do, for me."

"What can I say to stop you from taking this potion?" Sirius asked.

"Nothing," Regulus said.

Sirius knew he really shouldn't allow Regulus to get away with this, but he knew that he had to let him make his own choices – even if they were the wrong ones.

"I'll be here for you when it comes back to bite you," Sirius said in defeat, squeezing Regulus's hand.

Regulus smiled at him. "Thank you, Sirius," he replied, bounding forwards and kissing Sirius on the cheek.

Sirius could feel himself melting beneath Regulus's touch, and he couldn't help but turn his face in so that their lips were now together. For a brief moment, all the tensions from the earlier conversation were gone, and all that Sirius could see, feel, breathe was Regulus. It was amazing.

But then it was over, and Sirius tried to bask in the feeling that was slowly slipping away.

Regulus rested his head on Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius smiled. He loved when things were like this. If only they could always be like this.

"You know, I could make you happier than that stupid potion ever could," Sirius pouted.

"Are you jealous?"

"Of?"

"The potion," Regulus teased. Sirius could feel him smiling.

"Well, it gets to be inside you," Sirius said in a low voice. "I want that."

Regulus pulled away to look at Sirius, and Sirius couldn't help his body from reacting to the smirk that Regulus was giving him.

"You want that, huh?" Regulus whispered, biting his lip softly and glancing down longingly at Sirius's growing erection, and then back up into his eyes.

Sirius groaned loudly, grabbing Regulus's arms and pinning him down roughly on the loveseat. Keeping him pinned down, he lifted his leg over Regulus's, so that he was straddling him. Regulus had no escape, even if he wanted one. He was stuck in place.

Sirius hastily took off his shirt, tossing it to the floor and then held Regulus's hands down again. He lowered himself so that his face was inches, centimetres from Regulus's. Sirius could feel Regulus's hot heavy breaths against his skin, sending a tantalising quiver through his entire body.

Regulus's eyes were practically yelling at him. It was like he could read his brother's mind. The words were so clear.

_FUCK ME._

And how could Sirius resist those eyes, and that unspoken demand?

"Mmm, Reg," Sirius groaned again, forcing himself against Regulus. The feeling was like nothing before. It was almost impossible not to tear Regulus's clothes off and fuck him right there and then but he knew he shouldn't.

But he wanted to. He could be bad this once. He could let go. Regulus was just there, writhing beneath him, all for the taking.

Sirius _wanted_ him.

He was so hard that he felt as though his trousers would rip from the strain. He knew he should stop, but before he could attempt to, he felt Regulus thrust up into him, making him go weak at the knees. He could feel how hard Regulus was, and it turned him on so much more.

"Fuck," Sirius breathed in a raspy voice, thrusting back against his brother and making them both moan from the contact. Sirius felt Regulus trying to move his hands free, but he would not allow it. No, he wanted to keep him pinned down. It made it feel so much more forbidden.

Sirius leaned down, closing the gap between their flushed faces. He kissed Regulus with a hunger that could not be matched by any other kiss they'd had.

They kissed, lips and tongues crashing together harshly while they thrust against each other hard and fast. It was so overwhelming. Their breathing was so heavy and soon enough their kisses had to stop because they were both panting so much.

"God," Regulus gasped. "Sirius, _please._ "

Sirius resigned to kissing every inch of Regulus that he could reach, while keeping him pinned down. He kissed his soft, parted lips, his hard jawline. He kissed in the nape of his neck, his protruding collar bone, his heaving chest.

Regulus was making sounds that were so irresistible that they were driving Sirius crazy.

 _He's so fucking perfect,_ Sirius thought as he thrust again, and again, rolling their hips together in a clumsy, inexperienced sort of rhythm.

He was so damned close.

It was as though Sirius's body was going into overdrive. He could practically feel his orgasm vibrating through him, urging him to thrust again.

"Fuck, Reg," Sirius panted. "I'm so close."

"Mmm," Regulus murmured, closing his eyes and rolling his hips upwards against Sirius's erection again and losing it completely. Sirius watched, concupiscent, as Regulus's whole body seemed to shake from the intensity of his orgasm. Regulus's arms went limp from where they were trying to break away from Sirius's strong hold on them.

Regulus was breathing heavy and hard, staring up at Sirius with full blown pupils.

Just the very sight of Regulus climaxing beneath him pushed Sirius over the edge with one last thrust. He had never felt anything quite so incredible in his life, and he collapsed on top of Regulus, a sheen of sweat covering his body.

They lay together for a good five minutes, just breathing and enjoying each other's closeness. Sirius could feel Regulus's heart beating beneath him, gradually slowing until it was back to normal.

Sirius didn't want to move, or to ever leave. He would be quite content to lie there on top of Regulus forever, but he had to come back to reality.

Begrudgingly, he sat up. "Do you have your wand on you?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," Regulus said, reaching down into his bag and pulling it out, handing it to Sirius. Sirius pointed the wand at his groin and muttered a quick cleaning charm. He handed the wand back to Regulus, who did the same, and then put the wand back into his bag.

"That was just-"

Regulus laughed, putting a hand to Sirius's lips to stop him from saying anything. "I know, Sirius. Just kiss me."

Sirius, acting like his usual sarcastic self, kissed Regulus's palm that was covering his mouth.

Regulus pulled his hand away and rolled his eyes. "My lips, you idiot."

"Well _someone_ was covering my mouth," Sirius smiled, leaning in to plant a kiss on Regulus's lips.

"Stop being smart with me," Regulus said, throwing his arms around Sirius's neck and pulling him closer. "And kiss me properly, Sirius."

Sirius could not deny Regulus of a proper kiss. He just looked too kissable sitting there staring at him with Sirius's favourite half-smile and his ruffled just-had-sex hair. And so they kissed like they had no cares in the world.

* * *

When Sirius walked into the common room that evening, he could not keep the grin off of his face. Yes, technically it had not been proper sex. They hadn't even touched each other directly – they had been wearing clothes. But Sirius was intent in calling it sex – in his mind – as he kept replaying it over and over.

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand grabbing his arm and pulling him into a seat. He glanced at James, who had been the one to grab him, and raised his eyebrows in a way that suggested 'why would you break me out of my amazing thoughts?'.

"What?" Sirius said, a little more demanding than he would have liked to sound.

"Sirius, you smell sweaty," James noted, scrunching his nose up and eyeing Sirius up and down. "What have you been doing?"

"None of your business," Sirius said, folding his arms. "Why did you grab me?"

"You're all red in the face," James continued. "And your hair is a mess. You got laid!"

"Shhh!" Sirius said quickly, glancing around to make sure nobody had heard James's announcement.

"You did!" James accused. "Tell me everything! I mean, no I'd rather not hear. But, you're my best mate. We're supposed to talk about the details! But it's just – I don't know whether I want to hear. But you're my _best mate_. But he's your brother and that's just – oh god. You know what, just tell me the details. Quick, before I change my mind."

Sirius tried not to laugh at James's argument with himself.

"Well, we were having an argument," Sirius said. "And then things just happened and next minute I was on top of him and he pushed his dick against mine, and-"

"-Oh, okay, I was wrong. I can't hear this!" James said quickly, covering his ears like a child.

"At least you tried," Sirius said, shaking his head at James's reaction. "I didn't really think you'd get past the first sentence anyway."

James shuddered. "Well, at least you got laid. AT LAST!"

"Not _really_ ," Sirius said slowly. "I mean I wouldn't count it as, like, properly getting laid. If you know what I mean?"

"Not really."

"We were wearing clothes," Sirius said.

"Oh," James said. "Er, well, sorry mate. That doesn't count. Not in my books anyway."

Sirius shrugged and then smirked. "I have a plan, anyway. It involves your invisibility cloak. Can I borrow it?"

James looked at him hesitantly. "Um, you better not get any bodily fluids on it…"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I won't get any bodily fluids on it."

"Okay. You know where to find it," James said. "Do I even want to know?"

Sirius thought about it. It would be pretty hilarious see James's reaction to the plan that was formulating inside his head, but he decided against it. He'd better not scar James's mind any further.

"No, probably not," he said. "So why did you grab me and pull me out of my _amazing_ thoughts?"

"Okay, ew," James grimaced. "And because I have big news."

"Go on."

James grinned broadly at him. "Lily asked me to look after her cat over the half term when she goes home!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows at James. He was really so excited that he was babysitting a cat? Sirius forced an excited smile. "Oh, wow, that's great!"

"It means she trusts me!" James said. "First the cat, then her heart."

"If you say so," Sirius shrugged. "Just don't let it near me. I hate cats."

"If I take good care of it, then she might kiss me," James said. "Sirius, are you hearing me? SHE MIGHT KISS ME!"

"I got it," Sirius smiled. "Good luck. Have you ever even had any experience with cats?"

"No, but I'm good with dogs. How different can they really be? I mean I know all the right places to scratch and that."

"That's because I tell you, and then you scratch me there."

"This conversation is getting weird," James said. "When I scratch Padfoot, it's just a dog. It's not you."

"If you say so," Sirius said. "Shall we go down and have dinner?"

"Sure," James said. "I'm starving. But Sirius, I mean it. If I catch you making disgusting sex faces across the great hall at Regulus, I will actually vomit all over you right in front of him. Got it?"

"Fine," Sirius agreed. "Same goes for you and Lily. If I catch one longing glance or ugly lust face, my half-digested food will be all over you."

"You're disgusting, Black."

"I learn from the best, Potter."


	39. Breakfast

It seemed that one minute, Regulus was in the Room of Requirement and the next he was eating dinner. He couldn't really remember much of what had happened in between, because he had been so lost in his thoughts of what had happened with Sirius earlier that day. He couldn't keep the smile off his face, and for once it wasn't from the Elixir. He was truly happy.

So it was, that when he was halfway through chewing a piece of chicken at dinner that night, that Barty broke Regulus out of his 'Sirius bubble' and he finally became aware of his surroundings.

"Mmm?" Regulus said, absent-mindedly.

"You're really quiet," Barty said. "What is on your mind?"

_Oh, I just had sex. Hot, passionate, wonderful sex._

"Not much," Regulus simply replied with a shrug.

"Anyway, did you even hear what I was talking about before?" Barty asked.

"Sorry, no," Regulus said. "What were you saying?"

"I was saying that I got a letter from your parents," Barty said. This certainly woke Regulus out of his dazed stupor. What could his parents be writing to Barty about?

"What did it say?" Regulus asked.

"They want you to contact them," Barty said. "Apparently they tried to get through to your brother but they think he hasn't passed the message on to you. They wanted me to tell you that they really want you to reach out to them."

Regulus frowned. Sirius hadn't told him that their parents had tried contacting him. Surely he would have told Regulus, had it been true. If they had, he would be pretty annoyed that Sirius had kept it a secret. He had the right to know if his parents wanted to speak to him – he didn't need Sirius to protect his feelings.

On the other hand, Regulus wondered why on Earth they were trying to contact him. What more could he offer them?

"Hello?"

"Sorry," Regulus muttered. "I'm not talking to them. No way."

"Thought you'd say that," Barty said with a shrug. "Oh well."

Regulus went back to day-dreaming. He rested his head in his hands and glanced across the room to the Gryffindor table, where Sirius was chatting away with his friends. He watched every little movement Sirius made with awe, and every time Sirius laughed, Regulus could feel a small flutter in his chest.

He thought about what they had done before. How they had been pressed against each other, rubbing against each other. How they had made each other come. Regulus could feel himself getting turned on again, and he didn't care. He stared at Sirius with such intensity that anybody looking at him would just _know_ that they were definitely more than just brothers.

And out of nowhere, Sirius's eyes flickered towards his own, drawn like magnets. They held each other's gaze for what felt like a long time, eyes burning deep into the other's. Regulus could hear his heart hammering in his chest, and the blood rushing down to his groin area. The look that Sirius was giving him was tantalising. And then suddenly, Sirius was looking elsewhere and the connection was broken.

But Regulus was still turned on. His gaze lowered to where Sirius's body disappeared under the table. He tried to imagine what was underneath those clothes. He tried to imagine himself touching what was beneath those clothes…

He let out a loud moan.

"What was _that_?" Barty exclaimed, breaking him out of his horny day-dream.

Regulus coughed loudly and flushed deep scarlet, placing his hands in his lap to hide his erection.

"What was what?"

"That… _moan_ ," Barty said again, looking a mixture of disgusted and stunned.

Regulus feigned ignorance. "I have no clue what you're talking about."

"Regulus," Barty hissed, leaning closer. "You just _moaned_ in a sexual way at the dinner table. Don't pretend you didn't."

Regulus laughed, more from embarrassment than that he thought it was funny. "You're hilarious, Barty. Really."

Barty sighed and shook his head. "Of course you won't admit it."

"Even if I did do it, I wouldn't admit to it. You're right," Regulus smiled innocently.

"You're such a bloody proud creature."

"I'm not a creature!" Regulus said, rather loudly and with more defensiveness in his tone than necessary.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Reg. Joke."

"I know," Regulus said quickly. "Just don't say things like that."

"Okay, mate. Calm down," Barty said.

Regulus knew he had over-reacted. Of course Barty didn't know about the internal struggle that Regulus was going through. He was slowly becoming consumed with the dread and the utter fear that when the full moon arrived in just under three weeks time, he might turn into a slavering beast. He physically shuddered.

"I'm going downstairs. Are you coming?" Regulus said.

"Yeah," Barty said. They stood up and headed out of the Great Hall. They talked about normal stuff all the way back to the Slytherin common room. No mentions of creatures of moaning. It was all good, but Regulus couldn't shake the thoughts of the full moon from his mind. When they reached the common room and went their separate ways, Regulus headed straight to a quiet corner, and pulled a bottle of Elixir out, unstoppering it, and gulping it down like he was dying of dehydration and he'd just been offered water.

Werewolves, transformations, full moons, his parents all became a faded, distant memory and his frown was replaced with a broad smile.

He had homework to complete, so he reached into his bag and pulled his books out. Another 'O' graded essay was on its way, he could feel it in his fingers as he wrote. Lately, he was doing so well at school, that he didn't really struggle at all with essays. He decided it probably had something to do with the potion. He was naturally clever, and the only thing that stood in his way was stress, so it made sense that without stress, his cleverness was shining through.

Professor Flitwick had even had the nerve to pull him aside and accuse him of cheating. Regulus hated the fact that professors didn't believe the work was his own, solely due to the fact that he wasn't in Ravenclaw.

"Slytherins can be clever too!" he said loudly, turning a few heads.

That was another side effect of the potion – he was developing a tendency to speak aloud out of the blue. It was kind of like being tipsy, minus the alcohol of course.

When Regulus finally headed to the dormitory that night, he was surprised to see a piece of parchment lying on his bed waiting for him.

For a brief moment, his heart gave an uncomfortable jolt as the thought crossed his mind that it could be from his parents. But then, the potion made the uneasy feeling dissolve in an instant.

He sat down on his bed and opened up the folded parchment. It read:

' _Regulus,_

_Please meet me in my office tomorrow evening at seven for us to discuss the ins and outs of what will happen during the full moon._

_See you soon,_

_Professor Dumbledore'_

Regulus sighed. An equally uneasy note. _On the bright side_ , he thought, _at least I'll know what will happen at the full moon. It might make me feel a bit better._

And he let himself relax as the potion's effects kicked in again. He scrunched up the parchment and tossed it in the bin in the corner of the room.

Letting out a loud yawn, he decided it was time to sleep. He changed into his pyjamas and slipped under the covers to dreams of Sirius, Sirius and more Sirius. Thus, he was smiling all night long as he slept.

* * *

The next morning consisted of a quick shower, and a quick drink of his Elixir as Regulus waited for his friends to get ready for breakfast. When they were all ready, they headed up through the castle into the Great Hall.

It was Friday today, and Regluus loved Fridays. He had Care of Magical Creatures first lesson, and then a long break that lined up perfectly with Sirius's timetable, and then he had a thirty minute Charms lesson and Quidditch Practice at five. There was a big match coming up against the Hufflepuffs who had gotten increasingly and annoyingly good in the last few matches since they got two new Chasers.

"So, I was thinking we could ditch lessons today and just sneak into Hogsmeade," Scabior said, piling one of everything on his plate. "How 'bout it?"

"Sounds like a plan," Barty said, turning to Regulus. "You in, Reg?"

"No, I can't," Regulus said.

His friends sighed loudly.

"What?" Regulus replied.

"You're such a goody-goody," Barty said in a whiny tone. "Can't you break the rules just this once? For _us_? Your best friends in the whole world?"

"Nope. NEWTs are coming up," Regulus shrugged. He absent-mindedly glanced towards the Gryffindor table. Potter and Pettigrew were there, and so was Remus. Sirius was nowhere in sight. Regulus thought that was strange. Where could he be?

"In nearly _two years_!" Scabior exclaimed, clapping Regulus on the back. "Live a little!"

"You see it as nearly two years, and I see it as just under two years," Regulus said. "You think it's ages away and I think it's coming too quick."

"Nerd," Scabior said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Hey Barty, do you reckon if I bought that expensive necklace I showed you that Lisa would let me into her pants?"

Regulus grimaced and tuned out of the conversation. He looked towards the Gryffindor table again, and Sirius still wasn't there. He was vaguely aware of Barty and Scabior talking across him, but his mind was focused elsewhere. He was even beginning to become a little worried.

"Stop worrying," he said aloud, courtesy of his Elixir. His instant embarrassment ebbed away when his words turned out to fit into his friends' conversation.

"I'm not worrying," Barty said, talking about something else that Regulus tuned back out of. He was halfway between swallowing his cereal and spooning up the next lot of cereal when he felt it. There was a hand on him, down below.

Regulus's breath hitched in his throat, as he felt the hand slowly begin to stroke him through his trousers. He could not believe that this was happening. How could Sirius be so… bad?

So bad that it was turning him on like crazy. Regulus tried to continue eating his cereal like nothing was going on under the table, but he knew his cheeks were becoming flushed and his mind was definitely elsewhere.

His hard cock throbbed against his boxers and his trousers, begging to be touched, skin to skin. He wanted to feel Sirius's hand on him.

And like Sirius was reading his mind, he felt the zip being pulled down on his trousers and a warm hand pulling his cock out of his boxers. The hand gripped Regulus firmly, and he could feel Sirius rubbing his thumb slowly over the tip, smearing the precum around the head of his cock. Regulus closed his eyes, and momentarily forgot that he was in the middle of the Great Hall surrounded by students and teachers. But he could still hear his friends distantly chatting, so he held back the sounds he was about to let out.

But what Regulus didn't expect was the sudden warmth and wetness that was surrounding his cock.

 _Fuck_ , he thought as he realised what was going on. _Fuck, that's good._

He felt as Sirius moved his mouth up and down his shaft, slowly. The feeling was driving him crazy. He never knew anything could feel so good. He could feel every bit of Sirius's mouth around his cock. His lips, surrounding it. His tongue, flicking lightly against it. His teeth, grazing it just slightly.

Sirius now had Regulus's full length in his mouth, and Regulus wanted more than anything to thrust, and make Sirius choke on him, but he wisely decided against it given the current situation.

He felt as Sirius slowly released, pulling his head up and swirling his tongue around the tip of Regulus's cock for a second, and engulfing the whole length again hungrily. He moved his head up and down, up and down, gradually increasing speed and all the time keeping it completely in his mouth.

Regulus couldn't handle the feeling for much longer. He hadn't been prepared for this. He could finish right now, in Sirius's mouth. He _could_.

"What do you think, Regulus?"

"WHA- _Huh?"_ Regulus stammered, horrified that both of his friends were staring at him as he received a secret blowjob under the table.

"About the new drink they're serving at The Three Broomsticks," Barty prompted, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Y-yeah. Love it," Regulus practically groaned. Barty and Scabior glanced sideways at each other, and continued talking.

Regulus sighed and closed his eyes. He wanted desperately to look down under the table, to see Sirius staring up at him with lust-filled eyes. He wanted to _see_ Sirius sucking his cock. He could certainly feel it, and it was so-

" _Ohhhhh_!"

Sirius was doing something spectacular down there with his tongue, and Regulus was right on the edge…

"What's wrong with you?"

" _F-Fuck…."_ Regulus moaned loudly, running his hands through his hair and glancing up at his friends with heavy lidded eyes.

 _Crap_ , he thought. _Did I just moan out loud?_ AGAIN _? Am I really doing this in front of them?_

"S-stubbed my – _ohhh_ – my toe," Regulus said, breathing heavy.

Barty was sniggering at him and Scabior had his eyebrows raised, but Regulus really couldn't focus on them at the moment because Sirius was driving him over the edge.

He could feel Sirius's head moving faster and faster on his cock and he was using his hand now to help him, twisting his wrist rapidly around the now-slick base of Regulus's dick.

Regulus was seconds away…

" _Ooh, yes!"_

He let himself explode, as he rode out the best orgasm he had ever experienced into his brother's hot, waiting mouth. He felt as Sirius licked him clean of every last drop of cum. And then Sirius was zipping Regulus's trousers back up again and Regulus realised that he had been making a lot of sound as he'd been sucked off under the table.

Not only were his friends staring at him, but a couple of other students had turned their heads.

The only emotion he could feel was mortified at this point. He wasn't sure what it must have looked like, but it had probably looked like exactly what it was.

He hastily got up and headed out of the Great Hall, feeling the gazes of the Slytherin table on his retreating back.

* * *

Care of Magical Creatures was a hazy event. Regulus hadn't really been listening much, nor paying attention to what he was doing in the practical part of the lesson so he sustained a couple of bites from whatever it was that they were studying – he would never know what. His mind was far too preoccupied with thoughts of this morning.

He couldn't believe Sirius had done it. It turned him on just thinking back to it. But then the faces of his fellow Slytherins popped up in his head and he was brought back to reality. How would he explain his indecent behaviour at the table?

It wasn't long before Regulus was heading back up to the castle for his free period. He was just about to step through the door, when an arm grabbed him and pulled him aside.

Regulus looked up to see who was connected to the arm, and it was Sirius. Sirius was giving him a smirk that sent tingling down his spine.

"How did you enjoy breakfast?" Sirius teased, glancing down ever so briefly at Regulus's groin area, and then back into his eyes.

Regulus's mouth had gone dry. He swallowed hard, trying to keep his breathing steady. "It was good," he replied, his voice going deeper than usual in an attempt to stay calm.

Sirius moved closer to him, running his hand up Regulus's arm slowly. "Your voice went all deep and sexy," he said.

Regulus cleared his throat and took a step back. "Sirius," he mumbled, closing his eyes. "You're making me go crazy, here."

"Hm, how so?"

"After last night," Regulus said. "And… this morning-"

"How was it?" Sirius broke in, now looking concerned. "Did I do it alright? I felt like I was doing it wrong, but I made you come, so-"

Regulus was blushing now. He still didn't feel too comfortable talking about these things so casually. It felt strange to him. "Oh, it was very good. Don't worry."

"You tasted amazing," Sirius whispered, leaning in towards Regulus's ear. His voice dropped lower. "I swallowed every-" he started kissing Regulus's neck softly, "-last-" he muttered, before sucking on the pale skin of his neck, "drop."

Regulus breathed out slowly, leaning his head back to allow Sirius access to it. It felt so good. Just Sirius's presence was radiating electricity through Regulus's whole body, and he wanted more than anything to just continue where they left off at breakfast.

But they were outside. " _S-Sirius… stop_ ," Regulus forced himself to say.

Sirius stood up straight and smiled at him. "What's wrong?"

"We're outside," Regulus said quickly. "Anybody could see us."

"So?" Sirius muttered, biting his lip and staring at Regulus with a look that could only mean _'I want you so badly_ '.

"So," Regulus said, stepping back again. "We need to calm down a bit, Sirius."

"I don't want to calm down," Sirius said. "I had so much fun last night, and this morning was just – It was so-"

"- _Bad_ ," Regulus finished. "I was making sounds!"

"You were?" Sirius looked amused at this. "At the table? I was _that_ good?"

"Yes," Regulus muttered under his breath. "By the time you stopped, half the Slytherin table was watching me. How did you even get _under_ there?"

"I borrowed James's invisibility cloak," Sirius shrugged. "I wish I'd been able to see your face though, you must have looked _so_ sexy."

"No," Regulus said. "I am so embarrassed. I don't know how I'm going to face my friends."

Sirius smirked at him. "They're coming behind you now. Have fun," he said, winking discreetly at him and walking away in the opposite direction.

Regulus's heart started racing. _Crap, what do I say?_

Before he had any time to thing, Barty and Scabior were next to him. "Hey, Regulus."

"Oh, hi guys," Regulus said quietly. There was a moment of silence that was very awkward.

"So what was wrong with you at the table?" Scabior demanded. Barty cast him an annoyed look.

"I thought we agreed not to mention it to him," Barty said.

Regulus could feel himself going red again. "I stubbed my toe, really badly."

Both of his friends laughed. "See, that didn't seem like you hurt yourself. You sounded like you were _really_ enjoying yourself."

"No."

"Reg," Barty said, sniggering. "We know what happened."

"Can we just not talk about it?" Regulus said quickly.

"I always thought you were the sensible one," Scabior said.

"I _am_ sensible," Regulus said. "I stubbed my toe, okay?"

"You were getting a blowjob, mate," Scabior said. "It's okay, it was pretty obvious."

"Seriously, let's not talk about it," Regulus pleaded, feeling mortified again. He really was supposed to be the sensible one out of his group of friends. He was always lecturing them on what was appropriate and what wasn't.

"Who's the lucky girl?" Scabior teased. "She must have been pretty good if she got _you_ all worked up."

"Leave it."

"Maybe she can do it to me next time."

Regulus sighed. "Just forget it. I'm embarrassed it happened, okay? I can't believe… _she_ … er, did it in the middle of the Great Hall."

He noticed Barty raising his eyebrows at him. Of course he knew it hadn't been a girl.

"Seriously though, man," Scabior said impatiently. "Who's the girl?"

"Nobody," Regulus replied. "I thought you guys were skiving?"

"Professor Slughorn caught us trying to sneak out," Barty said sadly.

Regulus folded his arms. "Well then, don't you guys have a lesson coming up in five minutes?"

"Yeah," Barty said. "We should probably go. Leave you to your nerdy ways to study."

"This conversation isn't over, though," Scabior said. "See ya later."

"Bye," Regulus said, groaning inwardly. As much as Regulus had enjoyed what had happened, he _was_ pretty annoyed that Sirius had done it in front of everyone, leaving him in a tough situation.

As if on cue, Sirius re-emerged. "Were you listening?"

"No," Sirius said. "I couldn't hear from where I was standing. I was just watching you go all red."

"Thanks," Regulus mumbled. "By the way, I have to speak to you about something."

"Go on."

"Did you get a letter from Mum and Dad?" Regulus asked. He watched as Sirius's expression changed, and the expression itself seemed to tell him all he needed to know.

"Why do you ask?" Sirius said.

"They wanted to speak to me," Regulus said. "You should have at least told me."

"No, that's not entirely true," Sirius said quickly. "We weren't talking at the time. I got a letter to meet at Hogsmeade and I assumed it was from you, so I went, but it wasn't you. It was Mum."

Regulus was getting more and more annoyed. Why had Sirius not told him any of this?

"And, what did she say?"

"She wants an heir," Sirius said. "And for the record, she never asked me to pass on a message to you."

"Wants an heir?" Regulus repeated, confused. "She… oh. She wants you to have a child."

"Pretty much," Sirius replied. "She told me – and these are her exact words – to impregnate someone, and she will dispose of the mother once the child is born and raise it as her own."

Regulus was shocked. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew his mother was an awful woman, but this was just pushing it to another level.

"You're not… considering it, are you?" Regulus asked, feeling his heart hammering in fear at the idea. The thought of Sirius _being_ with someone else made him feel physically sick.

Sirius laughed. "Of course not," he promised. His smile faltered a little and Regulus didn't fail to notice.

"You're not telling me something," Regulus said. "Tell me, Sirius."

Sirius sighed. "Don't be afraid, alright?"

"I won't."

"She said that if I don't do it, she'll make you do it," Sirius said.

Regulus should have expected this. Of course, Regulus was always there as the second choice. And he'd thought they were free from their family.

"Neither of us will do it," Regulus said firmly. "I won't allow it."

Sirius smiled. "Me neither."

Regulus smiled back at him as Sirius pulled him in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and inhaled deeply. His new heightened sense of smell was wonderful when it came to being around Sirius. The already incredible scent that belonged to Sirius, was a thousand times stronger. It made him feel as though he would just melt into Sirius's arms.

"I'm going to see Dumbledore today about the arrangements for the full moon," Regulus said. This made Sirius pull back. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment.

"Can I come?"

"I think he wants me to go alone," Regulus said.

"Can I wait outside?" Sirius asked.

Regulus smiled. "Of course you can."

* * *

"Wish me luck," Regulus said, as he left Sirius outside the door of Dumbledore's office at seven o'clock that evening. He felt a little nervous. He wasn't even sure why.

"Good luck," Sirius said softly.

Regulus knocked on the door twice, waited to be invited in, and then stepped over the threshold into the headmaster's office. He closed the door behind him.

"Please," Dumbledore said. "Take a seat."

Regulus did so, waiting patiently to hear what Dumbledore had to say.

"Any changes that you think could mean something?" Dumbledore asked.

"No," Regulus replied. "Just the heightened senses. The stinging when I touch silver."

"Well, that's a good sign," Professor Dumbledore said. "Although it is still wise that we take precautions during the full moon. I very much doubt that you will transform, but it is always better to be safe than sorry."

"I agree."

"We have managed to secure a building for you," Dumbledore said. "On the evening of the full moon, you will take a portkey there, and we will arrange for someone to travel there in the morning to come back."

Regulus nodded. He didn't like talking about this. It made the whole thing more real. What if he _did_ become a werewolf at the full moon? How could he live with that?

"I will speak to you again closer to the time," Dumbledore assured him. "You are free to go. Please, take a sherbet lemon."

Regulus took the muggle sweet out of kindness, smiled, and headed back out of the room. When he saw Sirius, he handed the sweet to him and told him what Dumbledore had said.

"That's _good_ ," Sirius said. "I can come with you if you want."

"That's a bad idea," Regulus said.

"I'm an animagus," he whispered. "You wouldn't hurt me."

"Sirius, _why_ are we in this predicament? Because Remus hurt _you_ ," Regulus pointed out. "So it's _not_ entirely safe."

Sirius sighed. "I guess you're right. But I will be with you right before you go and right after you come back, okay?"

"Okay," Regulus smiled. "Thank you, Sirius."

"It's alright," Sirius said. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Regulus mumbled, leaning up and kissing Sirius's lips softly.

* * *

As soon as Sirius was gone, Regulus took a bottle of Elixir out of his bag and gulped it down. He didn't like the uneasy feelings that were coming back to him. They disappeared in an instant.

When he stepped through the door to the Slytherin common room, he remembered his incident at the breakfast table. Half of the room were giving him that _knowing_ look that his friends were giving him earlier.

_You can do this. Just use some of Sirius's Gryffindor courage to get through this._

And Regulus decided that was the only way to deal with it. He decided to pretend he was Sirius. Taking a deep breath, he strode through the common room, smiling at his housemates as he walked past them. He didn't let his smile falter.

He strode all the way to his dormitory door, and then stepped inside without losing his cool once.

When he was away from prying eyes, he let out a sigh of relief. He'd done it.

And now, he would avoid them for the rest of the evening. Not too difficult.


	40. Elvendork

A week had past and half term had finally arrived. Remus and Peter were heading home for the week, leaving Sirius and James at Hogwarts. Sirius hated to admit that he was happy that Remus was gone. It made the group dynamics quite uncomfortable when the two of them were ignoring each other. But he wouldn't budge – no matter how uncomfortable it was. He would not give in. Remus deserved what he was getting.

Sirius was sitting on the sofa in the Gryffindor common room, waiting for James to return. James had been with Lily, getting strict instructions on how to look after her cat. He returned after a fifteen minute cat lesson, looking overwhelmed. He was carrying a tiny black and white ball of fluff in his arms when he arrived back in the common room.

He sat down next to Sirius and sighed. "This sounds harder than I thought," he said.

Sirius tried not to look at the cat. It was staring up at him from James's arms with huge eyes. He refused to call it cute. No way. He was _not_ a cat person.

"Well, if you want Lily to like you," Sirius said. "You'll have to win the cat over. What's its name anyway?"

"Oh god, I didn't ask," James said, looking horrified. "It won't respond to my calls!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Just call it anything, but use that high-pitched pet voice and it will respond. Like how you'd talk to a baby."

"I've never talked to a baby! Or a pet! The only animal I talk to is you and that's different!"

"Calm down, James," Sirius said, putting his arms out. "Give the furball to me."

James glanced at Sirius worriedly. "Don't hurt it."

"I'm not going to hurt it," Sirius said. "Hand it to me."

James carefully handed the cat over. It made a high meowing sound and then started purring when it was in Sirius's arms. He didn't like this one bit.

"Why is it making that noise?"

"You're clueless, aren't you?" Sirius said, amused. "It's purring. It means it's happy."

"Oh," James said. "Why didn't it do that when I was holding it?"

"Because it could probably sense that you're worried," Sirius said. "Look, it's falling asleep."

"Good. Let's take it up to the room and let it sleep on Peter's bed."

"Why Peter's bed?" Sirius asked.

James shrugged. "It might be able to smell the rat and be happy."

"Poor Wormtail," Sirius said. "You're training Lily's cat to enjoy his scent. He might get eaten one day."

"He can handle himself," James said, standing up. "Come on, before it wakes up."

Sirius carefully stood up and followed James upstairs to their dormitory. He slowly put the cat down on Peter's bed. It didn't open its eyes at all. James and Sirius slowly backed away, out of the room, closing the door behind them cautiously.

"Phew," James said, when they were away from the door. "That was hard work."

"James, _I_ was the one holding it," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, and it was stressful for me too," James said. "That cat is a metaphor for me and Lily's future relationship. If anything happens to it, then my future relationship is ruined."

"We should name it," Sirius said. "Is it a boy or a girl cat?"

"How am I supposed to know that?"

"Let's call it a unisex name," Sirius continued, thinking. "Elvendork."

"YES."

Sirius grinned. "I'm glad you agree."

"Elvendork it is."

They headed downstairs to the Great Hall to eat their dinner. It was always a strange feeling walking into the Great Hall during a school holiday. It was strange to see it so empty. Sirius and James were the only two Gryffindors, apart from a couple of third year girls and a lonely first year boy.

The Hufflepuff table had three boys sitting at it, and the Ravenclaw table had about ten people in total. The Slytherin table was pretty much empty. Sirius glanced over and noticed that Regulus was by himself. The only other Slytherins were a couple of younger students sitting at the other side of the table.

Sirius smiled at Regulus, who smiled back.

"Would you mind if I let Reg sit with us?" Sirius asked James, who looked slightly annoyed but shrugged.

"Yeah, sure."

Sirius walked over to Regulus. "Come and sit with us," he said.

Regulus shook his head quickly. "I'm fine here."

"James said he doesn't mind," Sirius said. "Come on."

"Are you sure?" Regulus asked. "I wouldn't want to make things awkward."

"You won't," Sirius smiled. Regulus nodded and stood up, following Sirius back to the Gryffindor table. When Sirius sat down, he gestured for Regulus to sit down next to him. Regulus hesitated for a moment and then sat down.

"Isn't this table much better?" Sirius said.

"No, it's all red and gold," Regulus grimaced. "No offence."

"So anyway," Sirius said. "James, meet Regulus. Regulus, meet James."

Both James and Regulus stared at him and then glanced at each other. "Um, we've actually met before," James said.

"Many times," Regulus said.

"Yes," Sirius said. "But not _officially_."

"What are you talking about?" James asked. "I talk to him in prefect meetings all the time."

"I _mean_ ," Sirius said, feeling frustrated. "You haven't been introduced to each other by me since I told you we're together."

"Oh," James said, glancing awkwardly between them. "I really don't see why that makes a difference. If I started dating Lily, would you expect me to introduce her to you even though you already know her?"

"No, but-"

"-Exactly," James said. "Anyway, Regulus. Are you good with pets?"

Regulus seemed to brighten up very dramatically at this. "Yes. I love animals!"

"Oh, perfect," James said. "I am babysitting a cat, and maybe you could help."

"Yeah," Regulus said. "Sounds good to me."

"Good, so we can take you to our dorm after and you can meet it," James said, shoving a large slice of chocolate cake into his mouth.

"James, you haven't even eaten your dinner yet," Sirius said. "You're turning into Wormtail."

"Wormtail?" Regulus asked.

"Our friend, Peter. That's his nickname," Sirius said.

"Oh, right," Regulus said, looking a little confused. "Weird nickname."

 _He looks so adorable right now,_ Sirius thought, staring dreamily at Regulus. He wanted to kiss him so badly. He slowly moved his foot over to caress Regulus's leg. Sirius's heart fluttered when he saw Regulus smile at the contact.

"I can't wait to show you my dorm," Sirius said softly, his eyes meeting Regulus's.

"Hm."

"Especially my bed," he whispered.

James cleared his throat awkwardly. "Er, still here guys."

Sirius broke eye contact with Regulus and glanced at James. "Sorry. So, guess whose birthday is coming up."

"Yours," James said. "You've only mentioned it a hundred times."

"So, let's talk presents!"

* * *

An hour later, and Sirius was leading Regulus through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common room. He watched as Regulus glanced around the room, taking it all in. He looked impressed. _Probably much better than the dungeon he's used to_ , Sirius thought.

"Show me your bed," Regulus demanded. He blushed. "I mean, your room."

James was starting to look more and more emotionally scarred every second, as they walked up to their dormitory. They opened the door and walked inside.

"James, you could have tidied up!" Sirius exclaimed, realising how messy their room was.

"Hey, you live here _too_ ," James said. "My corner is clean!"

"So that must be your corner," Regulus said, pointing to the clean part of the room.

"No, that's Remus's corner," Sirius said. He pointed to the corner that was littered with socks and empty sweet packets and dirty boxers. " _That's_ James's corner."

"Actually, I think some of the mess is yours, Sirius," James said, inspecting the mess closely. "Yeah, this definitely isn't my sock. And _ew_! These aren't my boxers. Get them off my bed, you idiot!"

Sirius grimaced. They weren't his either. "I'm not touching them, they aren't mine."

"Give me your wand," James said.

"Why?"

"Just give it," he said. Sirius took out his wand and handed it to James. James lifted the dirty boxers up with the tip of the wand.

"Large," James said. "Definitely Wormtail's. That's disgusting." He flung them across the room onto Peter's bed and tossed the wand back at Sirius, who wasn't too thrilled to be touching it.

"So this must be your bed, then," Regulus said, sitting down on Sirius's bed. Sirius swallowed hard and tried not to think about how turned on he was getting seeing Regulus sitting on _his_ bed. The very bed where he'd had so many sex dreams about Regulus, and now he was sitting there staring up at him.

"Yeah," Sirius said. "My bed. You can sleep here tonight if you want."

"I can?" Regulus said, face lighting up.

Sirius looked at James expectantly. He knew it was really up to James. He wouldn't let Regulus stay there overnight if James wasn't comfortable – it wouldn't be fair.

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. Make sure you close the curtains and use silencing charms. _Please_ use silencing charms. I don't want nightmares."

Regulus and Sirius glanced at each other, smiling.

"By the way, where is the cat?" Regulus asked.

Sirius suddenly remembered that there was supposed to be a cat in the room, and it seemed that James had forgotten too. James looked panic-stricken.

" _ELVENDORK, WHERE ARE YOU?"_ James yelled, keeping his voice high-pitched and cat-friendly.

"Elvendork?"

"Yeah, we named it," Sirius said. " _Elvendork, come on!_ "

Sirius and James were frantically throwing matresses on the floor, and tossing clothes around the room, in desperate search for the tiny cat.

"Regulus, help!" Sirius said, as he threw Peter's dirty boxers over his shoulder without a thought. Regulus walked casually towards the window and leaned out. Sirius shook his head at how unhelpful he was being.

" _ELVEN-BLOODY-DORK_!" James shouted.

"He's here," Regulus murmured, keeping his voice low and calm. Sirius and James watched him as he turned around slowly, and the cat was in his arms. "Shh, he might run away. He was sitting on the windowsill. You idiots left the window open."

"He isn't a he," James said, standing up and walking slowly towards Regulus.

" _She_ , then," Regulus replied.

"Not a she either. Elvendork is unisex," James said.

"I'm going to hand him – I mean, it – to you," Regulus said. "Don't make any sudden movements."

James nodded, and Regulus carefully handed the cat over to him. He then turned around and closed the window. "Honestly, you two are pretty useless. How long have you had the cat?"

"A few hours," Sirius said.

"And it almost fell from the _seventh_ floor," Regulus said, looking amused.

"God, you sound like Remus," James said, rolling his eyes and putting the cat back down on Peter's bed. "Elvendork is fine. Look, he's meowing at me."

The cat meowed. Again, and again, and again. It was getting louder and louder, and the meows were sounding more and more strained.

"Why is it meowing at me?" James panicked.

"Maybe it's hungry?" Sirius said. "Did Lily give you any food for it?"

"Yes," James said quickly, rushing over to his bag in the corner and pulling out the cat bowl that Lily had left him and a sachet of cat food. He opened the sachet and put the food in the bowl for the cat, who ran over excitedly and started eating.

"Remind me to never get a cat," James said.

Sirius snorted. "Lily has a cat, so when you marry her, you'll have a cat."

"Damn it."

" _Anyway_ ," Sirius said, ringing his hands and putting on a loud fake yawn. "I think Reg and I are going to bed now."

"We are?" Regulus questioned.

"Yes, we are."

"SILENCING CHARMS!" James reiterated.

"Of course, James," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes and hopping onto his bed. Regulus stood awkwardly for a moment.

"Goodnight James," he said quietly.

"Oh, night," James replied.

Regulus sat down next to Sirius on Sirius's bed, and they closed the curtains over. Sirius pulled his wand out and muttered a quick silencing charm, and then pushed Regulus down against the pillow roughly. Regulus was smiling up at him.

"We're just going to sleep, Sirius," Regulus said. "No naughty business."

"Naughty business?" Sirius asked, tracing his fingers over the collar of Regulus shirt, ready to unbutton it. "You mean like what I'm dying to do to you right now?"

"Sirius, we shouldn't," Regulus whispered, even though a silencing charm had been put up. "Not with someone else in the room."

Sirius knew that he was right. He would feel uncomfortable if it was James with someone. He groaned inwardly and flopped down on the bed next to Regulus, stretching his arm out to hold him. Regulus moved so that he was in Sirius's arms.

"This is good, too," Sirius murmured, wrapping his other arm around him. He saw Regulus smile again, and his fluttered. How could someone so incredibly perfect be in _his_ arms? Sirius truly couldn't understand.

"I love you, Sirius," Regulus said softly.

Sirius instinctively held him closer and pressed his lips to Regulus's forehead. "I love you too," Sirius whispered.

* * *

Morning came, and the two of them were fully dressed when they got out of bed. This seemed to make James smile. Sirius was about to go into all the exciting things he wanted to do with Regulus, but Regulus was already at the dormitory door.

"Thanks for letting me stay," he said politely. "I'll see you both around."

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, missing his closeness already.

"I have plans today," Regulus replied quickly, opening the door. "Bye," he said, and he as gone.

Sirius was a little confused. None of Regulus's friends were staying at Hogwarts over the half term, so where could he be going? He had nobody else.

"Stop looking so worried," James said. "He's old enough to look after himself."

Sirius sighed. He knew that James was wrong. He didn't know Regulus like Sirius did. James didn't know the sort of trouble that Regulus was good at getting into. He closed his eyes and thought back to the previous night when Regulus had been in his arms. He wished more than ever that Regulus was still in them.

But he wasn't, and James was getting hungry.

"You're hungry," Sirius commented.

"How'd you know?" James asked.

"Your stomach was yelling at me," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. "Come on, let's go."

When they got down to the Great Hall for breakfast, Regulus wasn't there. Sirius didn't have much time to think about his absence before the owls arrived with the mail. An owl dropped down to their table and delivered the newspaper. Sirius usually didn't care too much for reading the newspaper, but the headline caught his eye this time.

' _HOGWARTS HOOLIGAN STEALING POTION INGREDIENTS FROM HOGSMEADE VILLAGE'_

Sirius almost spit his pumpkin juice out. Of course he knew that this 'hooligan' was Regulus. He knew it, and he could feel a horrible ache in his heart as he thought of all the possibilities of what would happen if people found out. Sirius grabbed the newspaper and continued reading.

' _Merchants of the potions ingredients stalls at Hogsmeade village are angry, and so should be all be. Over the past month or so, several sightings of a 'hooded figure' have been reported around the stalls which correlate with the amounts of stolen ingredients that merchants have reported. It is their suspicion that this hooded figure is the culprit behind the missing ingredients._

_Witnesses say that the hooded figure looks to be wearing Hogwarts robes, which only fits the bill. Why else would he or she steal ingredients? Because ingredients are not readily available for Hogwarts students._

_Reporters have spoken to the headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, who has said that he will keep a watchful eye on his students. He says he knows of students that have been caught brewing illegal potions in the past, and these students will be the first to be questioned._

_As for the ingredient market, merchants and Magical Law Enforcement ask that customers keep a close lookout for this thief, and if anything looks suspicious, to report it.'_

Sirius's mouth had gone dry. He was going to make sure that Regulus stopped stealing immediately. He couldn't let him get caught. After all, this _elixir_ couldn't be good for Regulus, and this was the perfect excuse for him to stop drinking it.

Sirius folded up the newspaper and decided he would keep it to show to Regulus next time he saw him. As for the rest of today, Sirius was sure he'd spend the majority of it cat-sitting while James panicked.

And he was right.


	41. The Brave and the Cowardly

The rest of the half term flew by very quickly. Regulus had begun avoiding Sirius a little because recently all that they would talk about would be Regulus's visits to Hogsmeade to steal potion ingredients. Regulus was sick of hearing the lectures. Yes, he knew he should stop but he was being careful. Besides, it was worth the risk if he was going to be happy in the long run for it.

It was a great relief when school started back up and the halls were soon filled with chattering students. There was one person in particular that Regulus wanted to see, and when he came down the morning after the first day back, he spotted said person - Antonin Dolohov was sitting in the corner of the Slytherin common room, reading a book.

Regulus decided this would be his chance. He hurried over to Dolohov, cleared his throat and sat down eagerly. Dolohov looked up and raised his eyebrows, and upon realising who it was, his expression became irritated.

"What do you want, Black?" he drawled, sounding rather bored. Regulus leaned forwards, unphased by Dolohov's bored tone.

"I have the ingredients," Regulus said excitedly. "Loads more than I need, so you can brew for a few weeks now."

The older Slytherin sighed. "No."

Regulus sat back and regarded Dolohov with anger. "Why?" he demanded, trying to stay calm.

"Look, it was all great and fun until you ended up being in the newspapers," Dolohov muttered, his expression slightly apologetic if not worried. "If I get caught for aiding you then I could be in a lot of trouble. As it is, my slate has been wiped clean. I was in a lot of trouble last year because of this sort of thing."

"I don't give a shit," Regulus spat. Even _he_ was shocked at his behaviour, never mind Dolohov whose mouth fell open. Regulus didn't talk like that. Regardless of how shocked Regulus was at his words, he used his sudden outburst of uncharacteristic anger as inspiration. "You will brew me this potion and you will deliver it to me by the end of the day. You will not tell a soul that it was me who stole the ingredients, and you will continue brewing for me as long as I steal more ingredients for you. Am I making myself clear, Dolohov?"

Dolohov no longer appeared to be shocked. He now seemed offended. "I beg your pardon, Black?"

Regulus chose not to answer. He sat, arms folded and back against his chair eyeing the other boy with a stare so icy that Doholov seemed to be shivering beneath it.

"I won't do it," Dolohov finally mumbled, blinking. "I don't give a shit if you don't give a shit."

Regulus bit down on the inside of his gums to stop himself from screaming. He _needed_ this potion, and he almost felt that his life depended on it. In some ways, it did. Without the potion, Regulus was vulnerable to all of the horrors and ghosts of his past invading his mind and driving him back to that place he so desperately wanted to be rid of.

"I'm not asking you to brew the potion for me," Regulus said firmly. "I am _telling_ you."

Dolohov nodded at this, and then within seconds he was in fits of laughter. Regulus's cool façade was broken at this, when he realised that his uncharacteristic anger must not have been realistic enough.

 _This is it_ , he thought, fighting back the tears that were trying to force themselves out. _I'm going to be miserable again._

"Please?" Regulus tried, but at this point he knew that all hope was lost. There was no convincing Dolohov, especially not by pleading with him.

"Not a chance, Black," Dolohov snapped, his laughter ceasing suddenly. He stood up and glared down at Regulus. "If you want your stupid potion, go get some other tosser to do it for you. I'm not being dragged into your mess when you get caught."

With that, the older boy left. Regulus slumped back into his chair, left with uneasy thoughts of what would happen to his mind without the potion.

* * *

Regulus was pretty much zoned out for most of the day. The first couple of lessons were a blur, though he did manage to take some notes. Thoughts of what had happened in the morning plagued his mind throughout the day and into the evening when he was supposed to be seeing Sirius. He stood by the Quidditch pitch underneath the Hufflepuff stand, as they had agreed upon, but Sirius was nowhere in sight.

As he exhaled and inhaled, his breath was illuminated by the cold air that surrounded him. It was nearly the end of October and he needed his winter cloak on. Regulus vaguely imagined his breath as smoke, and he thought of those Muggle contraptions that relieved stress – cigarettes? He almost laughed out loud at the thought. Had it really come to this? He was seriously considering trying a Muggle cigarette to deal with his problems.

"What are you laughing about?"

Regulus turned, eyes wide in embarrassment. He couldn't believe that he'd laughed out loud.

"I wasn't laughing," Regulus lied, but Sirius and his bloody smile saw right through him. Regulus exhaled, his breath pooling in the air surrounding them. "I was thinking about cigarettes."

"I'm surprised you even know what a cigarette is," Sirius said, looking slightly impressed but also slightly concerned. "Why were you thinking about them?"

Regulus knew that this would be yet another thing that Sirius wouldn't approve of. "It doesn't matter," he said.

"I wouldn't try them if I were you," Sirius said, sitting down on the frosty grass and gesturing for Regulus to sit down next to him. Regulus did so, gazing at Sirius expectantly. When Sirius didn't say anything else, Regulus rested his head on his shoulder.

"Why?" Regulus asked quietly, his voice almost getting carried away with the wind. Sirius reached for his hand and held onto it. Sirius's hand was much warmer than his own, and the warmth that came from Sirius was enough to make Regulus smile through his troubled thoughts.

"I tried them once a few years ago," Sirius mumbled, tracing circles on the back of Regulus's cold, pale hand. "Disgusting things. I puked."

Regulus grimaced. "Lovely."

"No, not at all," Sirius laughed. "I really wouldn't recommend it. It didn't relieve stress, it _caused_ stress. On my _body_!"

"Oh no!" Regulus said in a teasing way. "How awful!"

"They make your teeth go black and fall out, too," Sirius added. "I'd never kiss you again."

"Oh no!" Regulus repeated, but this time he was serious. "I guess I'm never smoking cigarettes then."

"Good."

They sat for a while in peaceful silence as the cold wind wrapped around their huddled figures, making them shiver. The Hufflepuff stands didn't provide much cover.

"It's cold," Regulus mumbled. "Maybe we should just head up to the castle."

"No," Sirius said, holding onto him tighter. "I like it here. Just the two of us."

"But we might freeze to death."

"Such an optimist," Sirius grinned, pushing Regulus to the floor and straddling him. He leaned closer and kissed the tip of Regulus's nose. "My _adorable, sexy, amazing_ optimist."

Regulus's already rosy cheeks went redder, but from Sirius's words rather than the weather. "I think you mean pessimist."

"I was being sarcastic, love."

"Oh," Regulus blushed again. He liked it when Sirius called him 'love'. It wasn't often that he used pet-names, but when he did, there was an odd fluttering feeling in Regulus's chest that he liked a lot.

Sirius was smiling down at him with a look in his eye that Regulus just couldn't put his finger on. It was a good look, though. A loving one. "Look at how perfect you are," Sirius whispered, brushing the back of his hand across Regulus's cheeks and letting it rest in Regulus's hair.

"I'm not."

"I love you," Sirius said, and before Regulus could say it back, Sirius's lips were already on his, kissing him sweetly. Regulus revelled in the feeling, sighing into the kiss and bringing his arms up to wrap tightly around Sirius's body. Despite the wintry chills, Regulus felt as though he was on fire. As though firewhisky was travelling through every vein in his body, an erotic burn rushing through every part of him that Sirius was touching.

Sirius's touch was just simply irresistible.

If the person who had been watching them had not slipped and cursed themselves, neither boys would have realised they had been caught. But they both heard the sound of someone cursing and sprang apart like repelling magnets.

Regulus's heart was hammering in his chest.

_Thump, thump, thump._

He swallowed hard and when Sirius began to run after the source of the noise, Regulus ran with him. The person who had seen them kissing was also running. It was difficult to see who the person was from a distance, but Regulus was sure he could see Slytherin robes.

Sirius threw a few spells at the retreating student, who fell limp a few seconds later. They ran towards the limp body.

Sirius reached the person before Regulus did, and by the way Sirius's face went completely pale, Regulus knew that it couldn't be good.

"Help me drag him somewhere out of sight," Sirius said quickly. Regulus finally reached Sirius, clutching at a stitch in his side. He glanced down at the person and sighed at who it was.

Severus Snape. Of course.

Regulus took Snape's arms and Sirius took his legs, and together they dragged the Slytherin across the grass and back to the Quidditch pitch under one of the Ravenclaw stalls. Snape was still unconscious, and that was a good thing.

"What do we say to him?" Sirius asked, pacing back and forth in some sort of panicked frenzy.

"I don't know," Regulus mumbled, feeling as though his heart would jump out of his chest. He couldn't deal with people knowing about their relationship. He would lose everything. Scabior and Barty would refuse to ever talk to him again, and he would be shunned by everyone in the school. He was vaguely aware of the fact that he was biting his nails, but he couldn't care less.

If people found out…

"I need your help with this," Sirius hissed, breaking Regulus out of his spiralling. "I can't deal with this alone. This guy _hates_ me."

"Yes," was all Regulus managed to croak. His mouth had gone completely dry.

"What did you do to me?"

Regulus and Sirius turned at the sound of Snape's infuriated voice. Snape was already on his feet, and looking ready to fight.

"You must have slipped, banged your head," Sirius snapped. "You started talking about strange things. You've been having delusions."

Did Sirius really think that Snape would buy this? Regulus wanted to nudge Sirius to tell him to stop, and that it wouldn't work, but Sirius kept prattling on and on.

Snape didn't seem to be listening. His eyes made contact with Regulus's and there was a mischievous glint in them that made Regulus feel uneasy.

"Oh shut up," Snape drawled, rolling his eyes. "Look, I saw you. Give it up already."

Sirius fell deathly silent at this. Regulus wasn't sure if he'd ever seen Sirius so scared, which was certainly something. Sirius, his brave older brother, afraid of people finding out a secret. Snape seemed to notice this fear as well, but instead of feeling concerned as Regulus did, Snape took this as an opportunity. He grinned gleefully.

"Sirius Black," Snape said, not once letting his grin falter. "The Great Sirius Black, may I say. Most popular, _amazing_ person in the school. Sleeping with his own _brother_."

"Fuck off, Snivellus," Sirius spat.

Regulus didn't like the way Sirius was standing – eyes focused, arms at his sides balled in fists, shaking. There was going to be a fight, and Regulus really didn't want that.

"Sirius," Regulus said quietly, jumping between the two seventh years. "Forget it."

"Regulus, I actually thought you were decent," Snape said, clearly enjoying himself. "I didn't really think that you'd stoop so low."

"I don't care what you think. It's none of your business what we do," Regulus replied, not looking at Snape but at Sirius. Regulus was deeply concerned. Sirius had never looked this way in his life.

"Firstly, you're gay," Snape continued. "That's just wrong in itself. Secondly, he's _Sirius Black_. He's filthy. Thirdly, he's your _brother_."

"CAN YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU SLIMY FUCKING PRAT!" Sirius screeched, making Regulus jump.

"Sirius, calm down. Please," Regulus said, holding both of his arms. Sirius pushed him away with force, knocking him to the ground next to Snape's feet.

Regulus didn't even get up. He was too shocked at Sirius's behaviour. Blinking tears out of his eyes, he looked away from Sirius who wasn't showing the slightest sign of remorse for what he'd just done.

"I am not sleeping with my brother," Sirius said through gritted teeth, eyes locked onto his enemy. "Just because that's the kind of disgusting thing you do in _your_ pathetic excuse for a family, doesn't mean that I'm the same."

"I just saw the two of you kissing," Snape yelled, sounding slightly disturbed. "Explain that!"

Regulus wiped away his tears and stood up. He knew that Sirius was upset and angry, and he knew that he hadn't meant to shove him to the ground, so he slowly shuffled back over to Sirius's side. He smiled at Sirius, who didn't even throw a glance his way.

"Wrong," Sirius hissed. His voice sounded so different, so unlike what Regulus had ever heard before. Come to think of it, Sirius didn't even look like himself anymore. It was starting to really scare Regulus, who couldn't get a word into the conversation. "We weren't kissing."

"You were!"

" _He_ was kissing _me_ ," Sirius answered in a harsh whisper, that Regulus's heart responded to in an instant. He felt as though it had stopped. What was Sirius talking about?

Sirius took a step away from him, not once looking his way. "I wanted no part in his disgusting ideas, but he was blackmailing me," Sirius continued, sounding very convincing.

"No-" Regulus began to protest, but his voice broke. He had never felt so betrayed in his life.

"-Yes, Regulus," Sirius said, glancing briefly at him with a cold expression and then back at Snape. "So the truth is out. My brother is disgusting and in love with me."

"Is this _true_?" Snape asked, looking to Regulus. "You've been blackmailing him to sleep with you? You're sick!"

Regulus covered his mouth in fear of vomiting. He felt sick to his stomach at the things that Sirius was saying about him, and right in front of him. He was astounded, betrayed, and most of all, utterly and completely heart-broken.

"It's not true," Regulus managed through his tears. "He loves me." Regulus didn't care for Snape nor his opinions. He didn't care that Snape would blurt out the news of their relationship to the entire school. He didn't give a damn. He just needed Sirius to stand by him.

"Tell him, Sirius," Regulus pleaded, grabbing Sirius's arm. "Tell him how much you love me."

Regulus's arm was violently batted away by Sirius's hands. "You can give it up now. The truth is out. I don't love you and I never will. Go and enjoy your disgusting fantasies alone, and leave me out of it."

With that, Sirius stalked away from him, leaving him alone with Snape. Regulus tried to look at Snape, to tell him without words that Sirius was lying. The only thing he got was a nasty sneer.

"It's okay, Black," Snape drawled in a condescending tone. "We all know that you have mental issues, but fucking your brother against his will is just downright twisted."

Snape shook his head as though talking to child who had just disappointed him. He began walking away, and Regulus couldn't find any words in his vocabulary to call him back and to tell him that it was all a lie and that Sirius really did love him. He was speechless.

He watched Snape's retreating back as his body shook with violent sobs. Sirius had broken his heart – shattered it into a million tiny pieces and not even had the audacity to care the slightest bit.

Regulus wasn't sure what he was going to do. The worst thing had just happened. He clutched at his chest, which was beginning to ache from the pain. Sirius had always been the one to comfort him when he was in pain, and he had always been the one to look after him. But now? Sirius was the one inflicting the pain.

He was aware that his breathing was becoming somewhat too loud and quick, and he was on the point of hyperventilation. Sure, he was upset, but he was also extremely angry.

 _Stop it, Regulus_ , he told himself sternly. He reached into his bag to retrieve a vial of Elixir, and then he remembered that he didn't have any left, nor would he get any.

This only made his hyperventilating worse. He needed it to stop, and right away. The only thing that seemed to soothe his mind was the thought of talking to Sirius. So he headed up to the castle.

* * *

Sirius was where Regulus had expected him to be – sitting in the Room of Requirement waiting for him. When Regulus entered, Sirius stood up quickly, his eyes looking red and puffy. He had been crying – good.

"Regulus," Sirius said, his voice higher and softer than usual. "I'm so sorry, come here. I love you."

Regulus pursed his lips and stayed put.

"Reg," Sirius whispered, looking as though he would cry. Regulus couldn't believe it. Sirius was expecting what – forgiveness? Sympathy? Not likely.

"You're not as brave as you like to pretend, are you?" Regulus said, not moving an inch. "You were the biggest coward in the world back there, and I've never been more ashamed of you in my life."

"I'm _sorry_ ," Sirius pleaded desperately, lunging at him and clutching onto his robes. "Reg, please. I love you."

"Really?" Regulus asked, blinking another tear out of his eyes and untangling Sirius's hands from his clothes. "That's not what you said to me ten minutes ago."

Sirius laughed as he liked to do when he wasn't sure what to say. This wasn't a laugh that indicated that he found something funny – this was a laugh that said 'oh crap, I'm in trouble'. He usually reserved it for when their parents would yell at him.

"You broke my heart," Regulus said. "I can't understand – I mean, I really _don't_ understand how you could-could d-d-do that to m-me." His stammering was beginning to become an issue, so he stopped talking and waited for Sirius to say something.

But Sirius didn't say a word. He stood there staring with sad, teary eyes.

"S-say something!"

Sirius looked down and continued his silence as though Regulus was not yelling at him.

"You c-c-coward!" Regulus yelled, shoving him backwards half-heartedly. He didn't want to hurt Sirius. No, that was a lie. He _wanted_ to hurt Sirius every bit as much as Sirius had hurt him, but he didn't have it in himself.

"I'm sorry, Reg. I really am."

Sirius's apology sounded pathetic on his tongue – even Sirius must have been aware of that. Sirius must have known that he had made a mistake, and he wasn't even trying to fix it because it couldn't be fixed.

Regulus sighed. He was already exhausted, emotionally drained. "Give me a reason to stay."

He watched as Sirius's lip wobbled a little in a childish way, but it was indicative that Sirius was heartbroken as well. It was indicative that Sirius had no reason to make him stay. It was indicative that their relationship was about to be over.

"I have no reason," Sirius managed to get out, before collapsing to the floor howling out the most horrible of cries. It was so out of character that it would have been painful to watch, even if Regulus wasn't already in pain. His strained sobs filled the room, and Regulus had to turn away.

He _had_ to be the bigger person. He _had_ to do what was right for himself. He _had_ to respect himself.

"Well then I have n-no reason to be with you anymore, Sirius," Regulus replied. "I don't want to know you anymore."

With that, he had to run out of the room and slam the door behind him. He could barely see where he was going as his vision was blurred from the tears pooling in his eyes. He ran and he ran, all the way down to the sixth floor, fifth floor, fourth floor, third floor, second floor, first floor, dungeons.

He reached the Slytherin common room and burst inside. What he had expected was to run straight down to his dormitory, and jump straight into his bed. What he hadn't expected was for the entire Slytherin common room to be staring at him upon his entrance.

He stood, frozen on the threshold.

" _YOU'RE DISGUSTING, BLACK!"_

" _A DISGRACE."_

" _ABOMINATION!"_

Regulus swallowed, and tried not to let their words get to him. He set his eyes on the stairs leading down to the dormitory, and made a beeline for it. The words of his fellow Slytherins rang in his ears, as if somehow magnified.

" _HE'S A GRYFFINDOR!"_

" _HE'S A BOY!"_

" _HE'S YOUR BROTHER!"_

Regulus kept on walking, his head held high. He would not let them get to him, at least not publicly. He would keep up a brave appearance. No, not an appearance. He _was_ brave. Braver than Sirius, anyway. The coward.

" _YOU SHOULD BE IN AZKABAN!"_

" _NO, HE DESERVES A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH."_

" _YOU HAVE BETRAYED THE HOUSE OF SLYTHERIN!"_

_Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale._

" _IT'S INCEST! YOU DESERVE TO ROT IN HELL!"_

Regulus finally reached the door to his dormitory, and slipped inside, letting out a loud sigh of relief. He was about to make his way to his bed, when he looked up to see Barty and Scabior sitting on it. The two boys wore the same expression – anger.

"Guys, please," Regulus said. "I just want to sleep."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Scabior demanded. Regulus couldn't be dealing with another confrontation – he already had so much to deal with.

"Because-"

"-We _know_ you wouldn't have blackmailed him into it," Barty said. "We know it was the other way round. What does he have on you?"

Regulus sighed. "He has nothing on me. Please, let me sleep."

"So you _were_ blackmailing him?" Scabior asked, looking confused. " _Why_?"

"I wasn't blackmailing him and he wasn't blackmailing me, okay?"

Barty seemed to understand. He stared at Regulus with a sad look. Regulus looked away.

" _Please_ ," Regulus said, his voice betraying him and breaking mid-way.

Barty stood up, and much to Regulus's surprise, he was being pulled into a hug. It was out of the ordinary – Barty didn't hug people. But Regulus wasn't protesting. It was nice to have someone who cared. Regulus felt himself break down in his friend's arms, letting out all of the tears that he had kept bottled up. He let his guard down completely, and Barty just held onto him, occasionally rubbing his back and muttering a quiet, "it's alright".

When Regulus had finally calmed down, he wiped away his tears and pulled away from Barty, shaking his head. "God, I am _so_ sorry. That was… I'm sorry, Barty."

Barty smiled and shrugged. "Look, what kind of friend would I be if I let you jump into your bed and cry yourself to sleep? You needed to let it all out, and you did."

"I still don't understand," Scabior said, from where he was sitting on Regulus's bed. "And why don't you ever hug me?" he added to Barty.

"Because you're an idiot, mate. No offence," Barty replied.

Scabior scowled. "Come on, Reg. You gotta tell me. I'm your friend, too. What do you think I'll do, yell insults at you like those arseholes out there?"

Regulus sighed again. "I suppose you're right. But I don't think I have it in me to tell you. Barty?"

"Regulus is gay, and he was in love with… er…"

"-Sirius," Regulus whispered, feeling as though someone had kicked him in the gut just at the mention of the name.

"Yes. But I'm guessing that someone found out and Sirius lied?"

"Yeah."

"And now you're broken up?" Barty guessed. Regulus could only nod half-heartedly. He felt as though he was in some sort of trance.

"Wait a second, so you were actually _with_ him?" Scabior asked in astonishment. "Your _brother_. Wait, you're _gay_?"

Regulus looked at Scabior and nodded. "Do you hate me?" he asked.

"No more than I already hated you, you dolt," Scabior said. "It's just a bit weird, that's all. You're still the same Regulus."

At this, Regulus couldn't help but smile. Although he'd just been through the worst day ever, he couldn't help but smile at his friends' reactions to the news. They were real friends, and he felt bad for ever doubting them.

"Thank you," Regulus said. "You don't know how much it means to me that you two understand."

"Okay, okay," Scabior said, standing up. "But just because _you're_ gay, doesn't mean that we all want to talk about feelings. Get to bed, come on!"

Regulus just smiled again and then headed for bed. Slipping under the covers and closing the curtains, he hoped desperately for a dreamless sleep. He tried pushing all thoughts of Sirius and what had happened today out of his head. He needed to start fresh.

Tomorrow would be the start of a new day. Tomorrow would be the start of a new Regulus. _Tomorrow_ , he thought painfully, _would be the start of life without Sirius._


	42. The Fallout

Sirius was rather unaware of what he was doing or what was going on around him, as he was busy thinking back regretfully at what had happened earlier. If only he could take his words and his actions back. If only he could fix things, make things right. But he couldn't, and the only person to blame for that was himself. Sirius knew that Regulus would _never_ forgive him for the things that he had said, and really, who could blame him? If Regulus had lied blatantly like that about Sirius, _in front of Sirius_ , then Sirius would probably act the same way.

After an aimless stroll around the castle, Sirius decided that he should head back to Gryffindor tower before he got into trouble. His posture and mind-set was zombie-like. It was as though Sirius's soul had been detached from his body. Part of the reason was that he had lost Regulus, and not just as a lover, but in general. Regulus had said that he didn't want to know Sirius anymore.

" _I don't want to know you anymore."_

The words rung like gongs of a bell through Sirius's ears, giving him the most awful of headaches. They played on a never-ending loop, each time breaking his heart a little more. Regulus's pained voice was so clear in his head, and that only hurt Sirius more.

" _You c-c-coward!"_

Regulus was correct. Sirius _was_ a coward, and now he had just lost everything that meant anything to him because he was too afraid of other people's judgement. Sirius was a mouse who wore the mask of a lion. He was a phony.

Some part of Sirius's consciousness knew that he had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, and that part forced his mouth to open and speak the password. He shuffled inside the Gryffindor common room, and headed straight upstairs to his dormitory in his trance. He wondered why the light was still on in their room—it was late. His friends would usually be sleeping by this time.

"Welcome back, Sirius," James said, breaking Sirius out of his thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Where have you been?" James questioned. His expression was difficult to read, and it made Sirius feel a little uneasy by the way his friend's eyebrows were furrowed.

"Just… walking."

"Have you heard the news?" James asked. "Apparently you and Regulus were in a relationship that _he_ was blackmailing you into. Apparently you said that he's disgusting and that he's in love with you, while you were being forced into it."

Sirius sighed. Of course the news had gotten around the school already. With a pang of guilt, he realised that Regulus must be going through much worse.

"I messed up, James," he said quietly, looking down at his hands. "I _really_ messed up."

"Don't tell me that _you_ were the one who made up this ridiculous story," James said.

Sirius didn't know what to say. All he could do was nod sadly. The punch came out of nowhere, and it felt good in a way. A punch to the gut from James and he was on the floor in pain. The pain was good—it meant that he was suffering, and he deserved to suffer for what he had done. He had deserved the punch, and he deserved thousands more.

But nothing more came. He glanced up at James, but his friend had already disappeared into his bed. Sirius made no effort to get up—what was the point? He closed his eyes and tried to forget about his mistake, and Regulus's words, and everything that made him want to cry.

* * *

Morning came too quickly, and soon enough Sirius was awoken by the slamming of the bedroom door. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Staring around the room in confusion, he wondered why he was lying on the floor and why his friends had walked out without him.

And then it all came back to him in a rush, and he wished he could forget it again. It was like a stab to the chest, when the memories came racing back. He swallowed hard and tried to focus. He was hurting more than ever, but he needed to get to his classes and make sure his schoolwork didn't suffer.

He hurried to take a quick shower, and then got dressed and headed downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast. When he walked into the hall, he noticed that a lot of people were giving him funny looks, and whispering. He didn't like this at all.

As he headed over to where James, Remus and Peter were sitting, he was stopped by the hand of a Hufflepuff girl.

"I'm so sorry about what happened to you," she said softly. "What he did to you was disgusting."

Sirius fought back the urge to yell at her. He nodded quickly, hating himself even more for not telling her that Regulus did _nothing_ to him, and that Regulus was completely innocent and deserved nothing but love from everyone. When he reached his friends, and sat down, he realised why they had rushed out of the dormitory before he had woken up—they were annoyed with him.

"Hey guys," Sirius tried hopefully, but he was only greeted with cold glares. He couldn't understand why they were angry. There was nothing new with Remus, as they hadn't been talking anyway, but James and Peter didn't look happy.

"I think I'm going to go and wait outside Charms," James said, standing up.

"James, mate," Sirius said. "What did I do to you?"

James shook his head. "It's not what you did to me," he said. "It's what you did to Regulus. You're awful."

"And why is it that I knew nothing about your relationship?" Peter asked, sounding hurt. "Remus and James knew. Do you not trust me?"

"Of course I trust you!" Sirius said. "Please guys, I know I messed up but I could really use some support right now."

James laughed. "Support? Why don't you go and sit with all the people who feel sorry for you because of the lie you told?"

With that, James, Remus and Peter stood up and walked off, leaving Sirius to eat his breakfast alone. It was unfair, he thought. James shouldn't be angry with him—what had happened had had nothing to do with him!

Sirius ate his breakfast with a little more violence than was necessary. He almost broke the plate at one point as he tried to cut into his sausage. It wasn't until he had been sitting at the table for ten minutes that Sirius worked up the courage to look at the Slytherin table.

But Regulus wasn't there. Of course he wasn't. Sirius wouldn't be sitting in the Great Hall if people were saying the things they were saying about Regulus, about _him_. He tried not to let his guilt get the better of him. Finishing his breakfast, he hurried off before anyone else could offer him their pity.

* * *

Charms class was just as depressing as breakfast had been. Sirius endured several heartfelt condolences for what he had 'been through', and then he had been paired with Remus for the lesson—as if it wasn't going to be difficult enough.

"It's a full moon tomorrow night," Remus murmured, not looking at Sirius. "I want to make myself clear that I don't want you there this month."

"Got it," Sirius whispered, his mouth going dry. "I'm really sorry about last month."

"Okay."

"Remus," Sirius said, feeling as though he could cry. He needed a friend more than ever. He needed someone to give him a hug and tell him that everything was going to be alright. "I'm _sorry_."

"You already said that, not even ten seconds ago," Remus replied, still not looking at Sirius but at the textbook.

"I mean that I'm sorry about being such an idiot to you," Sirius said. "I put you in the hospital wing."

"Several times," Remus snapped. "For no reason other than that you were jealous, despite what I kept telling you."

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. "I know, I messed up really badly."

"You're not forgiven," Remus said coldly. Sirius opened his eyes again and noticed that Remus was now looking right at him. "So what, Regulus doesn't want anything to do with you, and James and Peter are mad. You have nobody else left so you come to me with a long-overdue apology just _expecting_ me to forgive you because you have nobody else."

"That's not what I was—"

"—That's exactly what you were doing," Remus said. "And for the record, I'm also annoyed with you because of what you did to Regulus. Regulus is my friend, and I can't even imagine what sort of pain he must be going through because of you."

"He's not your friend," Sirius snorted, irritated.

Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius. "How so?"

"You only started talking because of me," Sirius muttered. "I don't want you being friends with him."

Remus shook his head in disbelief. "Why, are you scared we'll kiss again? Not that I'm interested—I'm straight—but it's really none of your business anymore."

Sirius could feel himself getting angry, and he tried to push it away. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. "You're right," he forced himself to say. But Remus was correct. Sirius's relationship with Regulus was over, and Regulus could kiss anybody that he liked. The thought made Sirius feel physically sick.

"Anyway, you're supposed to be helping me with this," Remus gestured towards the textbook in front of them. "Stop moping around and do your work."

Sirius gritted his teeth and started working, although his entire body was screaming at him to go up to his room, curl into a ball and cry.

* * *

After Charms, Sirius got through the rest of his lessons without uttering a word to anybody. At lunch he sat by himself, and during his free period he took a nap with his curtains drawn on his bed. He wasn't sure if he had ever gone so long without talking to anyone. By dinner time, his throat felt completely dry. He craved conversation, but the thought of another rush of harsh words from his friends made him keep his mouth shut and sit at the other side of the Gryffindor table with a group of huddled third-years.

"You're Sirius Black, aren't you?" a young boy asked.

"Mhm," Sirius mumbled, eating his food. He wished immediately that he hadn't sat down where he had.

"I heard that your brother forced you—"

Sirius stood up and stalked away before he could listen to the end of the third-year's sentence. When he got into the corridor outside the Great Hall, he slammed his fist hard against the wall, wincing only slightly at the pain.

He wanted nothing more than to run into the Great Hall and yell to everybody that it had all been a lie, and that Regulus hadn't forced him into anything, but it was though there was some sort of invisible force stifling his courage. All he could do was sit pathetically and watch as his brother's reputation kept getting stamped on by every student in the school.

Sirius decided that he really wasn't that hungry—he was finding it hard to keep food down anyway. Holding onto his injured fist, he started walking back in the direction of the Gryffindor common room. An echoed movement coming from the next corridor was what made Sirius look around, and he spotted Regulus who was obviously trying to sneak around.

Sirius wasn't sure what to do. On one hand, he could run over to Regulus and try to apologise again, but on the other, he could keep walking and give Regulus some much-needed space. But Sirius was too good at being selfish, so he walked towards the Slytherin.

When Regulus spotted him, he slouched and his eyes darted around the corridor for something else to look at.

"Reg?" Sirius said softly, his voice breaking from not talking all day. "I'm so sorry."

Regulus tried to walk away but Sirius reached out and held onto his arm. Regulus looked irritated, but Sirius could see through his mark—underneath the irritation, he could see how wounded Regulus was.

"Where you even present during last night's conversation?" Regulus asked, his voice showing no sign of emotion.

"Of course I was," Sirius replied quickly, feeling a horrible weight on his heart. There was no way that Regulus was forgiving him—not any time soon, anyway.

"So are you deaf or are you just stupid?" Regulus snapped. "Let go of my arm, Sirius."

Sirius did as he was told. He had never heard Regulus sound so cold and honestly, it was a horrible sound to Sirius's ears.

"Well?" Regulus asked, wiping off his sleeve as though Sirius had contaminated it.

"I… just needed to s-see you—I _love_ you—"

"Stop it, Sirius. I told you last night that I don't want to know you anymore," Regulus said though gritted teeth. "Get that into your head. I'll be going now."

Regulus turned to walk away, but Sirius couldn't help but grab his arm again. Regulus swivelled round, looking annoyed.

"Please don't do this to us," Sirius said in desperation. "I _need_ you. You can't do this to us."

"Let go of my arm!" Regulus shouted, his voice echoing around the corridor. " _You_ did this to us."

"I'm still your brother," Sirius mumbled, letting go of his arm once more. "Please, Reg."

"You're not my brother," Regulus spat, taking a step back. "You're nothing to me, now."

With that, he walked away, leaving Sirius alone in the corridor which was suddenly far too big and far too cold. He wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to hold himself together. He was a Gryffindor. Gryffindors didn't stand in the middle of corridors crying because they just broke up with someone.

Sirius decided that another early night was in order. Out in the open he could be brave and hold it together, but hidden behind the curtains of his four-poster bed, Sirius could let out all of his pain.

* * *

_Day two without Sirius._

Regulus didn't want to open his eyes that morning. He didn't want to face the day ahead. It took him at least fifteen minutes to force his eyes open, and when he did, he remembered something that made his stomach seem to do somersaults. It was a horrible feeling.

He felt as though he would be sick. In fact, he _was_ going to be sick. He jumped out of his bed quicker than ever and lunged into the bathroom. He managed to reach the toilet just on time. He vomited once, twice, three times. He held onto the sides of the toilet, but his entire body was shaking and he was sweating.

He threw up again. The back of his throat burned. Surely he didn't have anything else that he could bring up. He vomited again.

He retched and retched, bringing up only bile.

"Are you alright, mate?"

Regulus turned his head slowly to see who had spoken. Barty was standing in the doorway to the bathroom, looking concerned. Regulus couldn't speak; he nodded and then his body forced him to retch again. It hurt.

"Maybe you should go to the hospital wing," Barty said.

"I'm fine," Regulus rasped, wiping his sweaty forehead with the back of his hand. "I think it's over."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go back to sleep," Regulus mumbled. He knew there was nothing physically wrong with him. He was throwing up for two reasons.

One, he had lost Sirius forever and he was struggling to deal with that. Two, it was the Full Moon tonight and the thought that he could possibly be turning into a slavering beast in less than twenty-four hours was the most sickening thought.

Regulus finally found the strength to get up, flushing the toilet and walking to the sink to brush his teeth. When he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he was barely recognisable. He was unhealthily pale and if he could not hear his loud heartbeat, he may have mistaken himself for a dead person.

He felt like he was dying—his bones ached as though they could shatter at the slightest touch, and his head felt like it was pounding.

He turned on the tap and splashed some water in his face and then cupped it in his hands and drank. He hadn't realised how thirsty he had been until he started drinking—he supposed it had something to do with all of the vomiting.

Regulus knew he had to go to his lessons today. Day one without Sirius had been understandable. He had spent the first day up in his room avoiding the world, only leaving to sneak down to the kitchens to grab some food. But Regulus couldn't afford to let his grades slide. Even if that meant he had to face everybody and their judgements.

He felt like total crap physically, but mentally he felt strong. He could do this.

* * *

When Regulus walked into the Great Hall for breakfast, he noticed a couple of people were staring at him, but he tried not to care. He headed straight to the part of the Slytherin table that he always sat at, and his two friends sat beside him.

"You're doing really well," Scabior said, clearly amazed at Regulus's bravery. "If it was me…"

"Let's just eat and get out of here," Regulus muttered, keeping his head low. He tried his hardest to ignore the whispers of his name, and the glares that he was getting not only from the Slytherins, but from the Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.

"Oi! Black! Why don't you go sit over there with your brother—oh, I mean your _boyfriend_!"

_Ignore. Ignore. Ignore._

"YOU DEAF, BLACK?"

_They will just stop if you don't pay them any attention. Ignore. Oh great, I'm crying._

Sure enough, the tears had started rolling down his cheeks. He tried to continue eating without listening to the taunts, but they were getting louder, more frequent, and from different people.

"Hey Reg, we should just go," Barty said quietly. "You don't need to listen to this."

Regulus forced himself to smile at his friend. "Listen to what?" he said. "I can't hear a thing."

He was aware that the yelling and shouting of insults had stopped, and the students were now talking about a Howler.

_If it's for me, I'll—_

But Regulus's thoughts were interrupted by the Howler stopping right in front of his face.

 _Crap_.

Regulus had never received a Howler before, and quite frankly, he was terrified. He'd seen other students get Howlers, and he had laughed. Regulus didn't need more people laughing at him.

His plan was to get up and run from the Great Hall and let the Howler do its work in a quieter section of the school, but it had already started yelling before he could move.

" _REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK! I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T LIVE WITH US ANYMORE AND THAT YOU LIKE TO THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT OUR SON, BUT UNFORTUNATELY FOR US, YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE MOST WRETCHED, DISGUSTING PERSON IN THE WORLD! I THOUGHT THAT SIRIUS WAS THE DISAPPOINTMENT, BUT YOU HAVE NOT ONLY DISAPPOINTED US—YOU HAVE_ DISGRACED _US! HAVE YOU NO CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY OR OUR STATUS? YOU HAVE STAINED THE HONOUR OF THE MOST NOBLE AND ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK, AND IF I_ EVER _SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL USE THE MOST UNPLEASANT WAY I CAN THINK OF TO CASTRATE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER SO MUCH AS THINK OF YOUR BROTHER IN THAT WAY AGAIN, AM I UNDERSTOOD? YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION, AND YOU ARE NO SON OF MINE!"_

The Howler ripped itself apart, and the Great Hall was in complete silence. Regulus swallowed hard and tried to stay calm, but it was difficult when every single student and teacher was staring at him. He stood up slowly and walked out of the room with as much dignity as he could muster.

This was harder than he thought it would be. If Sirius hadn't gone and betrayed him, they would be dealing with this together, and together would have been so much easier. Regulus had never been so furious with anyone in his life. He hated Sirius.

He was headed back to the dungeons—the thought of going to his lessons now was stupid. He couldn't handle it.

As he walked, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He glanced around to see who it was, and he was a little surprised when he saw Remus standing behind him.

"Come with me," Remus said softly. Regulus nodded and followed the Gryffindor. They walked until they were outside in the cold. The chilling air was a nice feeling. They walked and walked until they were at the edge of the Black Lake, and then Remus sat down on the frosty grass by a large tree. Regulus sat down next to him.

"You don't deserve all of this," Remus said. "I'm really sorry for what he's done to you."

Regulus smiled a little. "Thanks, Remus. That means a lot to me. I feel like I only have my two best friends on my side, so it means a lot to have someone else."

"James and Peter are with you, too," Remus replied. "Just for the record. We all know that he lied. It isn't fair on you."

Regulus shrugged and leaned his head back against the tree trunk. "At least my mother finally decided she wants nothing to do with me. I'm actually quite happy with that."

Remus laughed. "I suppose there's that."

"Remus, I'm worried," Regulus mumbled as he stared out at the Black Lake. "Tonight's—"

"—I know," Remus said quietly. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel awful."

"Do you feel achy and tired?" Remus asked.

"Yes," Regulus replied, feeling worried. If Remus was getting the same symptoms then it was more likely that Regulus _would_ go through a transformation tonight. "I have a horrible headache, too."

"May I?" Remus said, holding his hand up close to Regulus's forehead. Regulus nodded and Remus put his hand on his forehead. "You're burning up," Remus said with a frown.

Regulus nodded sadly. "It's going to happen to me, isn't it?"

"Regulus, you don't know that," Remus said quickly. "Try not to worry. Chances are, you won't become one."

"I feel like I will," Regulus muttered. "I spend all morning throwing up because I was so scared."

Remus pursed his lips. "It's my fault. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Regulus laughed. "Don't be silly, and _don't_ feel guilty, okay?"

"How can it not be my fault?" Remus asked. "I'm the only werewolf within miles of this place, and you would have been perfectly fine if I wasn't around."

"Remus, I was lying in my bed when it happened," Regulus reminded him. "I wasn't even near you. It wasn't your fault."

Remus sighed and nodded. "You're right. I just really hope you don't have to turn tonight."

Regulus smiled a little. "Yeah, me neither."

"Now remember, I'm a prefect and James is Head Boy. We _do_ have an influence, you know? If anyone says anything to you, tell me."

Regulus felt as though his heart was swelling. The amount of gratitude he was feeling for Remus was overwhelming.

"You're so kind to me," Regulus said. "Thank you."

"It's alright," Remus replied. "Now, let me make a suggestion. You go back to your bed and rest. I _never_ go to lessons on the day of the full moon unless there's something really important I need to be there for. Trust me, you're excused. The teachers know about what you're going through."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. That way you can avoid the idiots," Remus said, standing up and holding his hand out for Regulus to take. He took the Gryffindor's hand, and was pulled up.

"I don't mean to be a bother, but could you maybe help me get to my common room?" Regulus mumbled. "I mean, since you're a prefect."

"Of course. You're a prefect, too. You can also just give them detention."

"They wouldn't listen to me," Regulus said sadly. "Nobody listens to me."

"I do," Remus smiled. "Come on, let's get you back inside and into your bed."

They headed back to the castle, and Remus escorted Regulus all the way back to the Slytherin common room. When they reached the door, Regulus turned around to face him.

"Thanks, Remus," he said.

"It's no problem."

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning in the hospital wing," Regulus said, trying not to let his fear show in his voice.

Remus frowned. "You don't know that."

"I do," Regulus replied. "Even if I don't transform, I'm still coming to see you."

Remus smiled at him, and then suddenly they were hugging. "See you tomorrow, then," Remus whispered. When they pulled apart, Remus gave him a thumbs up and then walked away.

Regulus stood for a moment in front of the door, and then uttered the password. Luckily, everybody was either in the Great Hall or in their lessons, so the common room was empty. Regulus, headed to his dormitory and then into his bed.

It felt nice to be in bed—his sore body was starting to feel a little more relaxed. He closed his eyes and let all of his worries drift from his mind.

For a moment, he was in peace.


	43. Brutal Honesty

Regulus paced back and forth in front of the headmaster's office. He fiddled with the sleeve of his robes, and he found himself biting his nails every so often. He could feel his forehead getting sweaty, and his bones felt like glass. It felt like an eternity before the door opened and Professor Dumbledore welcomed him inside the office.

When they got inside, Dumbledore offered Regulus a seat but he was too nervous to sit down. Instead, he continued his pacing. He caught a glimpse of himself in a reflection of a cabinet. He looked terrible—sallow and sick. Not a good sign, he guessed.

"How are you feeling, Mister Black?"

Regulus laughed a little louder than he'd have liked.

"You're laughing," Dumbledore observed.

At this, Regulus started to laugh again, and this time he couldn't stop. His eyes watered and his cheeks started to get sore, but he was in a laughing fit.

 _It's the potion_ , he thought between laughs.

"Mister Black, I know I'm not the most serious professor, but I hardly think I'm the funniest."

It took Regulus a good five minutes to stop laughing. When he finally stopped, he took a deep breath. He wiped away the tears and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he could feel himself tearing up again but this time from fear.

"I'm sorry about that, Professor," Regulus said quietly. "I guess I don't know how to feel about what might or might not happen."

Dumbledore nodded and smiled sympathetically at Regulus.

"I truly hope that nothing will happen to you tonight. Do you remember what's going to happen?"

Regulus nodded solemnly. "Where's the portkey?"

Dumbledore pulled an old shoe out of the drawer in his desk. He placed it on top of the desk. "It will be ready in a minute. Is there nobody you wish to escort you into the building?"

Regulus laughed again but only for a minute. His heart ached when he thought of what could have been—Sirius taking the portkey with him. Sirius holding him and kissing him and telling him he'd sit outside all night waiting for it to be over.

Regulus shook his head. "No. Nobody."

"Well, I will take you there. I'll make sure that the door is locked. You will have no way out until someone returns for you in the morning."

"Okay."

"Well, it looks like it's time to go," Dumbledore said. "Place your hands on the portkey."

Regulus swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded, placing his hands on the shoe at the same time as Dumbledore and feeling the world spinning beneath him.

* * *

The next thing that Regulus saw was a small reinforced building. It was surrounded by… well, nothing. It was all countryside for miles. He couldn't see a single light in the distance.

He shivered into his robes.

"If you _do_ transform, there's no way you're getting out of this building. And if—by some miracle—you escape the building, there's no way you're hurting anybody."

If this was supposed to be some sort of relief, it wasn't enough. Regulus was still absolutely terrified of the night ahead.

"After you," Dumbledore said, nodding towards the building. Regulus wordlessly shuffled towards the large metal door and unbolted it. He pulled it open, wincing as it creaked loudly and echoed around the room in which he was to spend the night.

"I'm scared," Regulus admitted. In the dark, he could only see Dumbledore's twinkling eyes.

"You'd be foolish if you weren't scared," Dumbledore said. "Unfortunately this is where I leave you. Make yourself comfortable, and someone will be back for you in the morning. Good luck, Mister Black."

"Thank you," Regulus murmured. He watched Dumbledore's silhouette disappear through the door, and then he shuddered as the door slammed shut, drowning Regulus in utter darkness.

The silence was eerie. Regulus hated how dark it was—it was forcing memories into his head of being locked in the cellar back at Grimmauld Place. There had to be a light…

Regulus felt around the walls and was relieved when he found a light-switch. He turned it on. It wasn't the brightest light in the world, but it was something. For the first time, Regulus saw the room he was standing in.

It was pretty much empty. There was a single bed in the far corner that looked as though it would fall apart if someone was to lie on it. Next to the bed stood a small wooden table, decorated with a small pile of books.

In the other corner of the room was an old ripped curtain. It looked like the sort of thing you'd get around a bath. Regulus curiously walked towards it and pulled it back. Regulus raised his eyebrows at what was supposed to be the bathroom—it was literally just a hole in the floor. Above it, was a small sign that read 'TOILET'.

Regulus drew the curtain and sighed, heading over to the bed. He carefully lay down on it. Despite his efforts, the bed creaked and swayed dangerously—Regulus wasn't even heavy. The duvet smelt musty. Regulus closed his eyes.

_Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't feel anything._

He lay for a good half an hour with his eyes closed, but he knew he wasn't getting any sleep in this room. All he could hear were his own breaths echoing off the walls. He finally gave up, sitting up and running his hands through his hair.

He decided he'd try and pass the time by reading. He picked up the first book on the table next to him— _'One Hundred Great Magical Discoveries of the Last Century'—_ he wasn't too overjoyed by the choice of book, but it was better than nothing.

He read about twenty pages before he felt his muscles begin to spasm painfully. His heart hammering, Regulus threw the book onto the floor and scrunched his eyes shut.

_Please don't happen, please don't happen…_

He couldn't stop himself from crying out as more and more of his muscles began to twist, stretch and jerk uncontrollably. It was a kind of pain that couldn't be described—it was horrific.

Regulus felt as though he was on fire—he was so hot, and there was an awful burning sensation running across the surface of his skin and down into his bones.

He slumped off the bed as there was more room to writhe in pain on the cold floor.

Regulus heard the deafening crack echo around the room before he felt it. When he felt it, he screamed in aguish. His bones were cracking.

" _PLEASE!"_ he cried at the roof. _"SOMEONE HELP ME."_

He knew that nobody was going to help him, and even if they wanted to, they couldn't. All Regulus could do was lie there and let the full moon break his bones and cramp his muscles.

Eventually, it became too painful to even scream. It reached a point where the spasms stopped.

 _This is it_ , he thought. His bones stopped breaking, and he was left lying there immobilised—waiting…

His heart hammered in his chest. He was going to turn. It could be any minute now. He wasn't ready.

Then, a sharp piercing pain shot right through his original bite marks, making Regulus cry out in agony.

_This is it._

* * *

Morning came. Regulus had been lying in the same spot all night long—his broken bones made it impossible to move.

On the bright side, he hadn't turned. He hadn't managed to sleep either. He'd just lay there, staring at the roof.

He heard the door opening and he felt a wave of relief wash over him. He couldn't move his head much to see who was there, but when the person was standing above him, he could see clearly.

It was Sirius.

Regulus closed his eyes. Why was Sirius doing this? This was already hard enough without him constantly trying to win Regulus back. Regulus just didn't want to deal with Sirius again, not after the night he'd just had.

"Reg," Sirius croaked. "I know you said—"

"—Then why are you here?" Regulus rasped. His mouth was dry. He hadn't drunk anything since last night and all of the screaming had really put a strain on his throat.

"I could never forgive myself if I wasn't here," Sirius said, crouching down to look at Regulus properly. "You look like you're hurt."

"I've broken some bones," Regulus muttered.

"Did you transform?"

"No."

"That's good," Sirius smiled.

"Yeah."

"Reg…"

Regulus sighed. "Just hand me the portkey so I can get to the hospital wing."

"Please talk to me."

"Sirius, my bones are broken. I need to see Madame Pomfrey. Your useless apologies will have to wait."

Regulus could see that Sirius was hurt by his words, but he still reached into his bag and pulled out a toothbrush.

They waited in silence until the portkey was ready, and then wordlessly put their hands on it.

##

Regulus opened his eyes to find himself lying in the hospital wing. He was behind a curtain—he guessed he must be in the private section. He moved to reposition himself but found that it hurt too much to move. He winced at the pain and decided to stay put.

He turned his head to see a bottle of Skele-Gro on his bedside table. Grimacing, he closed his eyes again; he'd heard stories about Skele-Gro and it's not-so-pleasant taste.

"Ah, you're awake!" Madame Pomfrey beamed as she poked her head through the curtain. She slipped inside and smiled at him. "How are you feeling, my love?"

"Everything hurts," Regulus groaned.

"Well, I'm sure it doesn't hurt half as much as it did yesterday."

"Yesterday?"

"You've been in here for a day and a half," Madame Pomfrey said. "You were on a lot of painkillers so I'm sure you can't remember. You should be out of here by this evening. We just need to give you a little more Skele-Gro and you'll be fit as a fiddle!"

"Really?" Regulus asked, dubious. "I don't feel like I can walk or play Quidditch or write…"

"Oh no, you won't be playing Quidditch until at least a week," Madame Pomfrey said sternly.

Regulus sighed. "But we have a match in two days."

"Well, they'll have to make do without you."

"But I'm the Seeker! Best one in the school, may I add. They need me."

Madame Pomfrey rolled her eyes. "There are more important things, Mister Black—like your health."

With that, she disappeared. In a few moments, she reappeared with a glass. She picked up the bottle of Skele-Gro and poured a fair amount into the glass and handed it to Regulus. He managed to prop himself up into a sitting position with much difficulty.

Regulus held the glass under his nose and inhaled. The smell made him cough and almost spill the potion.

"Oh, it's not that bad," Madame Pomfrey said. "Just drink."

Regulus grimaced at the potion and then took a deep breath. This was his last glass. He probably wouldn't even remember it anyway.

He brought the glass to his mouth and started to drink the potion. It was, hands down, one of the most disgusting things Regulus had tasted. It was sweet at first, but then it went bitter and left a strong clinical aftertaste. He gulped it down as if it was his pumpkin juice at breakfast—the quicker he finished it, the quicker it was gone.

"Very good. Now you should get some rest."

Madame Pomfrey took the empty glass off of him and left him alone with his thoughts.

 _Rest_ , he thought. The last thing he wanted to do was sleep after being asleep for an entire day at least. He sat on his hospital bed and let himself feel the potion do its work. He could feel his bones getting stronger and stronger.

" _Please can I see him?"_

Regulus froze as he recognised Sirius's voice from outside the curtain.

_Please say no. Please say no. I need my rest._

With that, Regulus lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes, pretending to sleep. He didn't want to speak to Sirius. He didn't want to _know_ Sirius. Not anymore.

He heard the curtains opening and someone entering his small room—if you could call it that.

"Reg?" Sirius whispered.

Regulus still pretended to be asleep. He heard Sirius sigh. Regulus assumed that Sirius had left. Just as he was about to open his eyes, Sirius spoke again, so Regulus kept his eyes shut.

"I wish I could go back in time," Sirius said. "I'd change what I said. I was so stupid and I wasn't thinking, and now I've lost you… maybe forever. I was such an idiot to you, and I'm sorry. If I could take it all back, I would.

What we had was the most perfect thing in the entire world and I would do anything— _anything—_ to win you back. I don't care what people think of me now. I wouldn't _care_ if they knew I love you. All I care about it what _you_ think of me. I hate that you hate me."

Regulus tried not to react to what Sirius was saying. He couldn't show that he was awake. But Sirius's words made him angry and heartbroken all at the same time. He wanted to scream at Sirius. He wanted to throw something at him. He wanted to cry in front of him and show him his damage. He wanted to kiss Sirius.

But he kept his eyes closed and kept his breathing even.

"You were the best thing that ever happened to me," Sirius continued. "Without you… I don't… I don't know who I am anymore. My friends won't talk to me. I have nobody. It's lonely."

Regulus decided he couldn't keep pretending. He sat up abruptly, ignoring the pain all over his body.

"Don't you dare talk to me about being lonely," Regulus spat, feeling his anger rise to the surface.

"You're awake?"

" _You're_ lonely? _You're_ struggling? You want me to feel sorry for _you_?"

Sirius looked down at his hands. "I didn't mean—"

"What do you think _I_ feel like, Sirius?"

"I'm sorry."

"You don't know lonely till you walk down a corridor and people either ignore you, yell insults at you or pretend you don't exist. Things like that don't happen to people like _you_."

Sirius looked stung by this. "What do you mean by 'people like me'?"

"Gryffindors," Regulus said angrily. "And _you_ in general. You told the school that I was forcing myself on you and now _everybody_ feels sorry for you. Everybody _likes_ you! That's not lonely."

"Well, that's what lonely feels like for me," Sirius said quietly. "It hurts. You're not the only one who's allowed to feel pain and loneliness, Regulus."

"I'm sorry— _pain_?" Regulus said in disbelief. "What pain could you possibly be in?"

"I'm not having this discussion," Sirius said, annoyed.

" _You're_ the one who got attacked by a werewolf. _You're_ the one stupid enough to go into that room thinking he wouldn't hurt you. And what happens? You wake up feeling fine days later with nothing but a couple of faint marks showing what you went through. Me? I would have _never_ done something so idiotic and reckless but yet _I'm_ the one who's going to have to live with your idiocy every month for the rest of my life!"

"Reg—"

"—No, I'm not finished! Do you realise what I went through the other night? My bones _broke_. Pretty much every bone in my body. I was in so much pain that I couldn't _move_. I've been in here for a day and a half, in so much pain that I've been in and out of consciousness. I keep thinking 'thank god it's over', but then I remember that this is going to happen to me again and again and again. It's _your_ fault. Don't tell me you're in pain."

Sirius breathed out slowly, clearly angry.

"You have nothing to say to that?"

"Oh, I have lots of things to say. I'm just not sure you want to hear them."

Regulus shrugged and folded his arms, glaring daggers at Sirius.

Sirius nodded. "Well first, there was a reason you got hurt that night Remus attacked me. We were linked—"

"—Not my idea."

"—I don't care. I did it to protect _you_."

"I didn't need you to do that for me," Regulus said through gritted teeth.

"And there was a reason that Remus was so angry that he attacked me," Sirius said, ignoring Regulus. "Because we'd been in several fights. Why? Because of _you_."

"You can't put this on me," Regulus said.

"So the fact that you kissed one of my best friends has nothing to do with it?" Sirius spat. "You were cutting your wrists for the most stupid of reasons and refusing to stop. I had to do something. You can't blame me for any of this."

Regulus blinked tears out of his eyes and looked away.

"You're pathetic," Sirius continued. "You're so absorbed in your own issues that you can't see that other people feel pain too. You don't have a monopoly on pain. I feel pain, too. Maybe I just deal with it better. I don't cut my wrists or drink potions because I feel sorry for myself. That's pathetic. _You're_ pathetic."

"I'm sorry my depression is so hard for you to understand," Regulus said coldly. "Get out."

"And of course you make yourself out to be the victim. Again," Sirius said, standing up and laughing in disbelief. "I'm sick and tired of you. In a way, I'm glad that we're over."

Regulus knew that it wouldn't be a good idea, but he didn't care. He used all of the strength he could muster and shoved Sirius back against the curtain. Sirius brought the curtain down with him as he was thrown into the table that was on the other side of it.

"What the _fuck_ , Regulus?" Sirius said angrily, standing up.

Madame Pomfrey came running, glancing backwards and forwards between them.

"I hope that hurt," Regulus said.

"That's enough!" Madame Pomfrey said. "Visiting hours are over. Please leave, Mister Black."

Sirius glared at Regulus. "Gladly," he said, walking away with a slight limp. Regulus couldn't even find it in himself to smile.

"What kind of behaviour is that?" Madame Pomfrey asked. "In a hospital!"

"I'm sorry," Regulus lied.

"You'd better be."

* * *

"May I come in?"

Regulus looked up from the book he had been reading. Remus was peering through the curtains at him. Regulus smiled and nodded.

Remus shuffled over to his bed and sat down on the chair next to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you like I promised," Regulus said. "I was kind of preoccupied fixing my bones."

Remus laughed. "It's alright. So what happened? Madame Pomfrey wouldn't tell me. It was the first thing I asked when I woke up, but she said it's up to me to tell you."

Regulus smiled at this. "Well, I didn't turn into a wolf," he said.

"But your bones were broken?"

"Madame Pomfrey thinks that the full moon was trying to force me to transform but I'm not a full werewolf so I couldn't. I went through pretty much the whole thing _except_ for turning into a wolf."

"That's horrible," Remus said, reaching out for Regulus's hand. He squeezed it comfortingly.

"Remus, I don't know if I can do this every month," Regulus whispered, scared. "I've never felt anything so painful in my life."

Remus smiled sadly. "Believe me, I know the feeling."

"How do you deal with it? Sirius said that he used to be there with you to make it less painful."

"True," Remus said. "But nothing stops that first part. The part you went through."

"First part?" Regulus asked.

"Oh yeah," Remus said. "After my bones break and my muscles spasm for hours, I start to turn. My body starts burning all over. The wolf starts to take over my mind. I feel every single part of my body changing. My gums feel like they're exploding where my teeth come through. I can feel my face contorting and stretching. I feel every single strand of fur as it tears through my skin. It feels like a million needles."

Regulus couldn't speak. He just stared at Remus with his mouth slightly parted.

"That's still not even the worst part. When my fingernails become claws, I'm still me but I'm the wolf too. I can feel everything but _I_ have no control over what I'm doing. A werewolf's instinct is to attack, and when there's nobody around I attack myself. I go for any part of myself that I can reach and I slash at myself. I tear myself apart. That's why I have so many scars.

That's where Sirius comes in. When he's there, he distracts the wolf until that part of the transformation is over. When I'm fully transformed, I no longer know what I'm doing. I don't feel any pain after that."

"God," Regulus breathed. "I'm so sorry. That sounds… horrific."

"It is," Remus said. "And you don't know how glad I am that you don't have to go through the entire thing. I know it hurts. So were you awake the whole night?

"Yeah."

"In some ways, that's probably worse," Remus said. "It means you feel that pain all night. At least when I'm the wolf, _I_ don't feel anything."

Regulus shrugged. "It is what it is, right?"

"I heard Sirius was in here earlier."

Regulus sighed and nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Regulus thought about this for a moment and then nodded. He recounted the conversation from earlier and Remus listened. After he was finished, Remus shook his head in anger.

"He had no right to say the things he said."

"Maybe he was right," Regulus said quietly. "It is my fault that I'm in this hospital bed right now."

"Hey, don't you remember what we talked about the other day?" Remus said softly. "It's nobody's fault. It was a series of bad situations that led to this."

Regulus sighed. "I wish I could believe that. Thank you for caring about me."

"Of course," Remus smiled.

"Is Sirius talking to you again?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "He's trying to, but I'm not giving in that easy. He's only "forgiving" me because he has nobody else left."

"He's really that angry over one kiss?" Regulus asked.

"Hey, for some reason he thinks that I'm into you in that way," Remus said, going a little red. "I've told him a million times that I'm straight. He won't listen."

" _Are_ you straight?"

Remus smiled. "Yes."

"I like how sure you are of that."

"What do you mean?"

Regulus sighed. "I've never felt anything for anyone—girl or boy—apart from Sirius. I don't really know who I am."

"But you kissed me once. Doesn't that count?"

"You _know_ that wasn't—that was just me trying to prove that I wasn't worthy of Sirius."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked. "It's okay to admit it if it was more than that."

"I'm sure," Regulus replied. Remus nodded and smiled at him.

"Well, I best get going. I'll see you around, Regulus."

"Bye, Remus."

* * *

When Regulus finally got out of the hospital wing, he headed straight to the Slytherin dormitory. He just wanted to avoid everyone and sleep in a bed that was his own.

Unfortunately, his friends were waiting when he entered the room.

"We heard you were being let out tonight," Barty said.

"What happened to you?" Scabior asked.

"I'm fine, guys."

"You were in the hospital wing for days!" Scabior said. "What happened?"

Regulus wasn't sure what he was going to say. He just let the words come out.

"I was practicing flying… by myself… and I fell off my broom from really high up and broke lots of my bones."

He knew how ridiculous that sounded, and his friends looked unconvinced.

"It really hurt," he added.

"You fell off your broom?" Scabior asked. "Since when do _you_ fall off your broom?"

"It was slippery."

" _Slippery_?" Barty asked, folding his arms.

"Yep."

"I don't believe you."

Regulus sighed. "I'm tired. Can we talk about this another time?"

"Not until you tell us why you fell off your broom. Madame Pomfrey didn't let us in to see you. She said you were in a really bad way."

"I was!" Regulus said. "If you really want to know, I fell off my broom because I fainted."

"You fainted?"

"I've been skipping meals because I don't want to face everyone judging me."

"Oh," Barty said, looking guilty. "I'm sorry, Reg."

"It's fine. Can I sleep?"

"Go to sleep. We'll speak tomorrow."

"Of course," Regulus said. "Goodnight guys."

"Night."

Regulus slipped into bed and drew the curtains. He knew he'd have to think up a bigger lie that he could use every month for the next two years.

He dreaded to think of the next two years. Instinctively, he reached for his elixir to calm himself down, but then he remembered he had none left. Dolohov was no longer brewing it for him. His breathing became heavy as he began to panic.

_You can do this. Just go to sleep._

He tried to sleep, but the beginnings of hyperventilation were forcing him to stay awake. He sat up and tried to breathe evenly.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out._

He felt himself breaking down in tears. He wasn't even sure what he was crying about. He was crying about everything. About the fact that he'd spend every full moon in horrifying pain. He was crying about the fact that he'd have to lie to everyone. He was crying about the fact that everybody in the school hated him. He was crying about the fact that Sirius would never love him again.

 _What is the point?_ He asked himself through tears. _Would anyone even notice if I was gone?_

He breathed out slowly and wiped away his tears, but more came. He wondered what he'd ever done so wrong to deserve this much pain.

_You were born a Black._

But he knew that Sirius coped with that hardship much better than Regulus ever could.

_Just need everything to stop._

Regulus reached into his bedside table and pulled out his wand. With a shaky hand, he lifted the wand.

 _DON'T DO IT_ , the rational part of his brain screamed at him.

"I have to," he spoke to himself with a quiver in his voice. Closing his eyes, he pressed his wand to his wrist. He didn't want to watch. He didn't even want to acknowledge. It would only happen this once.

One time.

And for the first time in almost two months, Regulus uttered the spell "sectumsempra". He felt his worries slip away in an instant.

Sleeping was easy that night after he'd cut himself. It was the waking up in the morning and facing the day that was hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole the line "you don't have a monopoly on pain" from Pretty Little Liars.


	44. Forgiveness

Christmas came and went and then January flew by. February was a blur, and March disappeared before anyone knew it had started. It was now April and ever so closer to the NEWT exams. Sirius could hardly say that he was prepared. On the contrary, he was about as unprepared as Peter was when he first found out that he'd be a rat playing with a werewolf every full moon.

Sirius awoke abruptly at the sound of a chair moving next to him. He realised that he'd fallen asleep at the desk in the library, his face pressed against his parchment. He sighed when he realised the ink had smudged.

He rubbed his eyes, yawned and glanced up at Remus who had just sat down.

"Hey," Remus said.

Sirius was confused. Was Remus talking to _him_?

"… Hi?"

"Thought I'd help you out with your studying," Remus said. "You seem to be struggling."

"I was sleeping, actually."

Remus smiled. "Exactly."

Sirius chose his words carefully. "Not that I'm not happy you're speaking to me—because I really am—but _why_ are you speaking to me?"

Remus sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I feel like this entire thing has just gotten really out of hand. To be honest, I miss you. A lot."

Sirius smiled. "I'm really sorry, too. It _did_ get out of hand. It happened ages ago and I overreacted in the first place. Do you forgive me?"

Remus nodded. "Only if you forgive me too."

"Forgiven," Sirius said.

Remus grinned and breathed out slowly. "God, I missed you. Can I hug you now?"

"Sure," Sirius said. Remus got up and moved towards Sirius, pulling him in for an awkward one-armed hug. "Oh, I missed your pathetic hugs."

"And I missed your idiocy," Remus said.

"Idiocy?"

"Sirius, your whole cheek is covered in ink," Remus laughed.

"Really?" Sirius groaned.

"You weren't studying, were you?" Remus asked, looking amused. "You were writing about how Madame Pince looks like the Giant Squid, but uglier."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Don't tell me that it's printed on my cheek!"

"Oh yeah."

"Damn it. Let's get out of here."

Remus laughed and nodded. They got up and made a sharp exit from the library. Just as they were leaving, Madame Pince blocked their path.

"Mister Black, you can't just _take_ that book from the library without signing it out— _WHAT_ IS THAT ON YOUR FACE?!"

"N-nothing!" Sirius said quickly, trying to smudge it away with the back of his hand.

"Detention!"

"You can't give detention, you're only the librarian!" Sirius argued, annoyed.

"Oh yes I can," Madame Pince said through flared nostrils. "I have shelves that need stacked. Floors that need cleaned. Tonight at eight. Maybe you'll reconsider falling asleep on your parchment next time."

Sirius groaned and barged past her with Remus right behind him.

* * *

Sirius was truly over the moon that Remus was his friend again. Seventh year had been a rollercoaster, but one of the main things that had been bugging him was that he had lost Remus as a friend. Having Remus back made almost everything perfect again.

Peter and James had started talking to Sirius again by Christmas, so their whole group was now on good terms again.

"I've got an idea," Remus said to Sirius as they reached the Great Hall. "They don't know we're friends again."

"YES!"

"I haven't even said my idea yet," Remus said.

"But I agree that it's a great idea because I'm thinking it too!" Sirius grinned. "We have a dramatic argument in the Great Hall in front of James and Peter."

"I was thinking we pretend to be dating and confuse the crap out of them," Remus said. "But I guess we could combine ideas."

Sirius's eyes began to shine with anticipation. "We have a massive argument and then end it with declarations of love and reveal that it's just been our sexual tension that's been making us argue."

"Deal."

* * *

Sirius stormed into the Great Hall, trying hard not to laugh. He headed straight for the Gryffindor table and sat down on the bench, making Peter jump.

"A-are you okay?" Peter asked warily.

"Not really, no," Sirius grunted, staring straight ahead.

"What happened?" James asked.

Before Sirius could reply, Remus stormed in and sat down on the other side of the table. He glared furiously at Sirius and breathed out hard.

"You're a fucking prick," Remus spat.

A few heads turned, and Sirius tried to keep a straight face as he watched James's mouth drop open and Peter's drink spill out his mouth.

" _I'm_ the prick?" Sirius shouted. "You're the one who broke my wand and threw all my belongings into the Black Lake!"

James and Peter turned their heads to Remus, looking shocked.

" _WOW_ ," Remus yelled, laughing. "You make me sound like _I'm_ the one who started it! _You_ were the one who fucked my girlfriend behind my back even though you're gay!"

James and Peter instantly turned their heads back to Sirius, and then back to Remus.

"You have a girlfriend?" James asked, clearly confused.

"I _had_ a girlfriend," Remus spat. "But thanks to this prat, that's all in the past now. Right, Sirius?"

"I didn't sleep with your girlfriend!" Sirius yelled. "Like you said, I'm gay!"

"I walked in on you!"

"Look," Sirius said. "Mate. Sorry, I thought she was a dude."

"HOW DARE YOU!" Remus yelled.

"Oh, I dared!"

"I'll kill you!"

"Okay guys, calm down," James said quickly, trying to hold them apart. "Sirius, do you apologise?"

"No, I don't. I did it and I'd do it again!"

"Why would you do it again now you know she's a girl and she was _mine_?" Remus asked. "You're pathetic."

"I have my reasons, okay?!" Sirius yelled.

"Explain," Peter said.

"None of your fucking business, Peter!" Sirius yelled.

" _Why_?" Remus said through gritted teeth.

"You want to know why?" Sirius asked, standing up. He was aware that half the school were watching now. "Want to know _why_ I fucked your fucking ugly excuse for a girlfriend?"

Remus stood up and nodded.

"Because I wanted you two to break up!"

"You—what? Why?"

"Because I'm madly in love with you and I wanted you all to myself!"

Remus looked as though he was about to laugh but he composed himself. "Oh my god, Sirius!"

"Yes?"

"That's so weird, I love you too!"

"No way!"

"Yeah."

They stared at each other for a good minute before lunging at each other over the table, knocking plates and cups to the side. James and Peter jumped back and stared in utter confusion as Remus and Sirius kissed each other passionately on the table.

Sirius could feel Remus laughing through the kiss and he ended up laughing himself, but as ridiculous as he felt, he couldn't help being extremely happy. If a dramatic kiss on the Gryffindor table was what friendship with Remus was like, then so be it.

* * *

The four boys were sitting in the Gryffindor common room later that evening and James and Peter kept casting them strange looks.

"Lunch was weird," Peter said slowly.

Sirius and Remus exchanged glances, and then Sirius couldn't help but burst out in laughter.

"Your faces!" Sirius said, smacking his hand on the sofa next to him as tears streamed down his face. "You completely believed it!"

"Wait, believed what? You're not a couple?" James asked.

"Ew, no," Remus said, laughing. "And I never had a girlfriend who looked like a dude."

"I never slept with anyone and no wands or belongings are in the Black Lake," Sirius finished.

"What?"

"We're friends again!" Sirius said.

James grinned from ear to ear. "No way."

"Yes way."

"This is great!" James yelled. "Tonight is the night we celebrate!"

"Ah, that's not going to happen," Remus said sadly.

Sirius sighed when he remembered why. "Detention," he groaned.

* * *

When Sirius entered the library that night for his detention, he instantly wanted to leave it again. He wasn't alone in detention; he was spending it with Regulus.

Regulus and Sirius hadn't spoken more than two words to each other since the incident in the hospital wing a few months ago. Sirius hadn't wanted to. He knew he'd said a few harsh things but Regulus had said harsh things himself. Regulus didn't look quite as displeased as Sirius felt that they'd be spending detention together.

"Ah, you're both here," Madame Pince said. "Must run in the family, your idiocy."

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You will be stacking the shelves for me. I want you to continue till every book in my trolley is stacked. Is that clear?"

Sirius glanced at the trolley, which was holding a great number of books.

"Yes," Regulus said.

"Lovely," Madame Pince said. "I will be in to check on you shortly. You can start."

She left the room, closing the door behind her. Sirius grabbed a couple of books and headed to the corresponding shelves to begin stacking them.

He was placing his third book on the shelf when Regulus appeared beside him.

"What did _you_ do to get yourself a detention in the library?" he asked.

"Why do you sound surprised? Detention is my second home. Why are _you_ in detention?" Sirius asked, trying to keep the mood light.

Regulus shrugged. "Put a snake in Madame Pince's underwear drawer."

Sirius grimaced. "Really?"

Regulus nodded and started putting some books on the shelf. They stacked for a few minutes in silence before Sirius spoke. " _Why_?"

"It was a dare," Regulus said. "If I could successfully put a snake in her underwear drawer, Barty would wear her underwear for a day. If I failed, I'd have to wear it."

"So you succeeded," Sirius said.

"I succeeded, but I got caught," Regulus said.

"So you're wearing Madame Pince's knickers?" Sirius asked. Regulus rolled his eyes.

"Of course not. Tie breaker meant that Scabior had to wear them. It's a thong, too."

"Lovely," Sirius grimaced. He glanced sideways at Regulus to see him smile a little. It made Sirius's heart flutter to see Regulus smile. It was so rare these days. And to have a civilized conversation with him was just perfect. Sirius hoped that this would be the end of the awful year of heartbreak. Remus had made up with him and Regulus was being nice to him.

"But really," Regulus said, breaking him out of his thoughts. "What did you do?"

Sirius sighed and laughed. "I was trying to study but I got bored so I started writing rude things about Madame Pince and I fell asleep on my parchment and it... well, it transfered to my face and she read it."

Regulus laughed. "Wow."

"Yeah, wow."

They continued stacking their books in silence for a little while. Sirius desperately wanted to keep the conversation going. "So how-" he started, just as Regulus began talking at the same time.

"You first," Regulus murmured.

"How have you been?" Sirius asked.

"Good, I guess," Regulus replied, but when Sirius looked into his eyes he felt as though that was a lie. Regulus definitely didn't look 'good'. "You?" Regulus asked.

"Great, actually."

"That's good," Regulus said. "I mean, I saw... you and Remus. That's... you know, that's great."

Sirius couldn't help but smile. Not because their act had even fooled Regulus, but because he sounded jealous in a way. "Reg, we're not a couple. It was an act to confused our friends."

Regulus's eyes seemed to light up a little at this. "Oh."

Sirius tried to play it cool. "You seem happy. Are you interested in Remus or something?"

He watched in satisfaction as Regulus cleared his throat and blushed. "No, course not."

"Interested in me or something?" Sirius whispered in a low voice.

Regulus's smile faltered and went back to stacking his books. "I don't want to talk about this."

"Why?"

"Sirius," Regulus said softly. "Please. I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"So you _are_ interested in Remus," Sirius stated, feeling his heart drop. Regulus sighed and shook his head.

"I'm not," he said. "But I want to set things straight between you and I."

Sirius didn't like the sound of this. He wished they hadn't started talking. "Go on," he said hesitantly.

"I miss you a lot," Regulus said. "But I think that us being in a relationship... it never could have worked."

"It could have," Sirius muttered. "If I hadn't been such an idiot."

"We both did and said stupid things," Regulus replied. "But I want you in my life. I was wrong when I said I wanted you out of it. I _need_ you in my life. I want my brother back and if that's too hard for you, could we at least try to be friends?"

Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Brothers? Friends? He wanted so much more than that but for the sake of keeping Regulus in his life, he smiled and nodded. "Of course, Reg."

Regulus smiled. "So if it isn't Remus, then who is your romantic interest?"

"I don't have one," Sirius muttered. "And I'd rather not talk to _you_ about romance. I have other friends for that."

"Fair enough," Regulus shrugged.

"How have the full moons been?" Sirius asked. Regulus frowned and his whole body seemed to hunch.

"Awful, Sirius," he replied. "As if it isn't bad enough that I have to go through all that pain every month, but I have to keep making up stupid lies to my friends."

"Can I... can I come with you next month?" Sirius asked.

"No," Regulus said quietly. "I'm assuming you and Remus are friends again given your prank you played on your other friends?"

"Yeah..."

"He needs you more than I do," Regulus said. "Be with him."

"But you need me too," Sirius said quietly. He wanted to say that Remus had Peter and James but he couldn't without revealing that they too were animagi.

"It's okay," Regulus said. "I'm a Slytherin. I can power through."

"You seem different," Sirius said. "Why do you seem different?"

Regulus stared at him with a look that Sirius couldn't quite put his finger on. "I'm the same," he said slowly.

" _You're_ dating someone, aren't you?" Sirius said through narrowed eyes.

"No," Regulus said, but his tone indicated otherwise.

Sirius tried to hide his hurt. "Who is it?"

"I said 'no', I'm not dating anyone," Regulus replied.

"But you're interested in someone, aren't you?" Sirius commented.

Regulus's lips quirked up for a second and then his face returned to a blank expression. "Nah."

"Reg, you are."

"I can't talk to you about it anyway," Regulus said quickly, confirming Sirius's suspicions. "You don't want to talk about romantic stuff with me."

"Oh, come on," Sirius said. "You wanted to be brothers again, talk to me."

"Really?" Regulus grinned.

"Go on."

Sirius truly didn't want to hear it, but he knew he had to play the part and act supportive if he wanted to swoop in and take Regulus for his own before the other person. _Can't win if I don't know who I'm competing with_ , Sirius thought.

"Well I'm sort of falling for my friend, Barty," Regulus said slowly. "I mean, I _have_ fallen. Yeah. It's weird, I know."

 _Great_ , Sirius thought. _His best friend. Could things be worse?_

"Does he feel the same?" Sirius asked.

"Well, he's... no," Regulus said. "I guess not."

"Is he even gay?"

Regulus smiled at this. _Great,_ Sirius thought again.

"He told me the other day that he thinks he might be," Regulus said. "But I mean, he's at that stage where he's in denial, right? We've all been there. He's probably started thinking of some guy like that and he's unsure. Probably isn't me. Right?"

Sirius sighed. Regulus sounded like he was head over heels and it made Sirius's heart ache. "He'd be crazy not to love you," Sirius said softly.

Regulus's smile faded. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "You're right, we shouldn't talk about this."

"I'll be happy for you no matter what," Sirius lied. "That's all I want - for you to be happy."

"Thanks, Sirius," Regulus said. "And you too."

"Yeah," Sirius replied. Though he knew that he couldn't truly be happy until Regulus was his again. And Regulus _would_ be his again, he was sure of it. He would do everything in his power to make it so.


	45. Friends

It was morning. Regulus opened his eyes and lay there for a little while thinking about the night before. He had spoken to Sirius for the first time in months. It had been something he had wanted to do for a while but he'd been too hurt to do it. He now felt like he was at a place where he could be friends with Sirius again without any lingering feelings. They were at a good place.

He smiled to himself and opened the curtains of his bed. He quickly headed to the bathroom to take a shower and brush his teeth, and then he got dressed and ran a comb through his messy hair. He glanced in the mirror. He was looking quite good, if he did say so himself. He was looking healthy.

Of course that would all change within the next two weeks because of the full moon, but he quickly shoved that thought away. He needed to keep a positive mindset—it was Quidditch today. The last game of the year.

Regulus glanced down at his forearms and ran a finger over his scars. He hadn't cut his wrists since last week, but he still had this ever-burning _need_ to hurt himself. He was doing well. All he needed was to distract himself. Hence the Quidditch match.

"Come on, Regulus," Scabior whined through the door. "I'm starving."

"I'm ready," Regulus replied, turning away from the mirror and opening the door. Scabior and Barty were standing at the dormitory door waiting for him.

"Let's go," Barty said. "Scabior's rumbling stomach is giving me a headache."

* * *

They headed downstairs for breakfast. They had barely taken their seats before Scabior grabbed every bit of food in reaching distance and started wolfing it down. Regulus grabbed some toast and some orange juice and started eating.

"Hey, have you noticed?" Barty asked.

"Noticed what?" Regulus replied.

Barty glanced around cautiously and leaned in closer to Regulus. "Nobody's mentioned your 'disgusting incest' this morning."

Regulus sighed. "And now you've jinxed it," he hissed. "Thanks."

Barty shrugged. As if on cue, one of the seventh year Ravenclaws walked past and barged into Regulus, making him spill his drink all over himself.

"Watch where you're going!" Regulus yelled.

The Ravenclaw put a hand to her chest and acted worried. "Oh my god, I'm _so_ sorry! I didn't mean to—oh, wait. It's _you_. I saw you last night in the library shacking up with your brother in some disgusting perverse… I don't even want to know what it was. Consider it a favour that I made you spill your drink down yourself—you _needed_ to cool off."

With that, she smirked and walked off. "Do people really have nothing better to do with their lives?" Scabior asked through a mouthful of food.

"I guess not," Regulus muttered, trying to wipe some of the drink off.

"You were with him last night?" Barty asked, raising his eyebrows. " _Shacking up_?"

"I wasn't _shacking up_ with him," Regulus said. "I had detention and so did he."

"Did you guys talk?" Barty asked. "If you're back with him then—"

"—I'm not back with him," Regulus said quickly.

Barty nodded. "Good. Because you deserve much better."

"That's what I always tell _you_ when you get dumped," Regulus smiled. "And yes, we talked. I think we're on good terms. I made it clear that I only want to be his friend."

"And he's okay with that?" Scabior asked, looking unconvinced.

Regulus shrugged. "I don't think so. He seems like he's not over me."

"He's… uh… staring at you," Barty whispered. Regulus turned his head to look at Sirius, who was indeed looking his way. But he seemed to be looking right past Regulus, not at him. Sirius was staring at Barty. _Of course_ , Regulus thought. _I tell him I have feelings for Barty and now Sirius is jealous._

"He's staring at you, actually," Regulus murmured. "He's not very subtle about it."

Barty looked confused. "Why would he be staring at _me_?"

"I have no idea why Sirius does the things he does, Barty," Regulus shrugged. "Let's go. I have a Quidditch match to get ready for."

The three of them stood up and headed out of the Great Hall, without a look back at Sirius.

* * *

Regulus circled the Quidditch pitch on his broom while he waited for the snitch to make an appearance. It was a nice day today, so he didn't mind so much that the snitch was nowhere in sight. It felt good to have the sun beating down on him.

He glanced at the Slytherin stands to see Scabior and Barty watching the game. Then, Barty looked right at him and smiled. Regulus could feel his heart rate pick up as he smiled back.

Falling for Barty had been a slow process. Regulus suspected it must have started years ago, and he'd only realised recently. Barty had always just been _there_ as his best friend, and it was only recently that he let himself think about him in a romantic way. Regulus smiled more at the memory of their conversation from a few days ago…

_Regulus was sitting on his bed reading a book when Barty barged into the room and glanced around worriedly. Regulus looked up from his book, confused._

" _Barty?"_

_Barty sighed and then started pacing back and forth across the dormitory. "I need to talk to you about something."_

_Regulus tried not to get his hopes up—there was no way that Barty had feelings for him. He closed his book and patted the bed next to him for Barty to sit down._

" _I'm listening."_

" _God… this is crazy… I mean, like_ crazy _-crazy," Barty said, sitting down next to Regulus and staring right into his eyes as though desperately searching for something in them._

_Regulus smiled a little bit and shrugged. "Can't be crazier than falling in love with your brother and dating him, right?_

_Barty shook his head. "You're right. You take the cake on crazy."_

" _Thanks, I guess…"_

" _No problem," Barty said, standing up. "Don't worry about what I was going to say. It's probably nothing."_

_He looked as though he was about to run out of the room, so Regulus grabbed his arm and pulled him back down onto the bed. He ignored the things that were happening to his heart as their skin made contact._

" _Tell me," Regulus said softly. "I'm your best friend."_

_Barty nodded quickly. "How did you… um… well… how did you realise you were into guys?"_

" _You're into guys?" Regulus asked in excitement._

" _Shhh," Barty hissed._

_Regulus raised his eyebrows. "Honestly, who would have heard that? Scabior, are you hiding under my bed?! Can you hear me right now?"_

" _Shut up," Barty replied. "I'm freaking out, okay? I've been having these… these weird_ feelings _about a guy and I always thought I liked girls but now all I can think of is this guy and his body… like his_ naked _body… and it's driving me crazy!"_

_Regulus tried not to smile at his friend's dilemma. "You're imagining some guy is naked?"_

" _Yes! And it's infuriating because he's a guy! And_ I'm _a guy! And I'm not gay! I like boobs, okay. Big ones. I've had so many girlfriends and I like having girlfriends! I don't want a boyfriend, Reg. Please. Don't you dare ever let me have a boyfriend."_

" _And what's so wrong with having a boyfriend?" Regulus asked. He couldn't help but find Barty's struggle adorable. He'd never seen him so panicked before. All he wanted to do was to kiss him, but if this 'guy' Barty was thinking about wasn't Regulus then he didn't want to risk ruining their friendship._

" _BECAUSE!" Barty spluttered. "I can't be_ gay _! I like girls!"_

 _Regulus nodded. "I'm sure you_ do _like girls," he said. "But maybe you like guys too."_

" _Don't encourage this!" Barty said. "You don't even_ want _to know what I was thinking."_

" _Naked guy," Regulus said, hoping it was him. "I'm guessing gay sex fantasies?"_

_Barty went bright red and nodded. "How did you know?"_

_Regulus smiled. "Because I have gay sex fantasies too."_

" _Ew, about your brother!"_

_Regulus's eyes narrowed and he sighed. "Can you not make out like that's really gross?"_

" _But it_ is _really gr—" Barty started, but stopped at the way Regulus was looking at him. "—I just mean, it's different?"_

" _Mhm," Regulus muttered. "Anyway, did I say that my fantasies were about Sirius?"_

" _No… who are they about then?" Barty asked._

" _Hey, this is about_ you _, not me. So you're having gay sex fantasies. Nice."_

_Barty stared at him with a pained expression. "NICE?! Are you crazy? How do you make them stop?"_

_Regulus shrugged. "I don't. I enjoy them. Maybe you should learn to enjoy them too."_

" _But you're gay and I'm not!" Barty exclaimed. "I can't be… why, Reg? WHY?"_

" _You're so dramatic. So what if you're gay? So what if you're not gay? Just be happy, okay? I'll be here for you either way."_

_Barty sighed. "I think I might be – you know – the G word. How embarrassing."_

" _That's good. So who's this mysterious naked guy?"_

" _Ha!" Barty said, blushing furiously. "As if I'm going to tell_ you _. I have to go. I'm late for my lesson. Don't tell anyone."_

" _I won't," Regulus said softly. "Your secret is safe with me."_

" _Thanks Reg," Barty replied._

Regulus was pulled out of his daydream when he heard someone yelling his name. He turned to look at who was yelling his name and it was Sirius. He was pointing frantically behind Regulus.

Regulus turned again to see the snitch inches from his face. He reached out to grab it and it zoomed off. Regulus raced after the snitch, not taking his eyes off of it. He couldn't believe that Sirius had pointed it out to him—they were playing against Gryffindor and Sirius had knowingly helped Slytherin get to the snitch first.

He was getting closer and closer to the snitch, but he was also aware that the Gryffindor seeker had caught sight of it too.

 _But I'm the best seeker in the school_ , Regulus told himself confidently. He was so close to the snitch that he could hear its' tiny wings fluttering. One moment he was flying behind it and the next, it was in his hand and he was holding it in the air. The Slytherin stands erupted in clapping and cheers, while the rest of the school seemed to go completely quiet as per usual when Slytherin won anything.

Regulus glanced at Sirius who was grinning at him. Regulus smiled back and then flew to the ground where his teammates clapped him on the back and congratulated him on his catch.

* * *

Regulus spent his afternoon in the library studying. His friends refused to join him on this particular past-time as there was still an entire year to go till they had to sit their NEWTs. Regulus preferred studying alone anyway – it gave him time to think. He was thinking about the scary idea of admitting his feelings to Barty. Regulus had a bad habit of underestimating Barty when it came to revealing secrets – he always feared the worst reaction, when usually the reaction turned out to be fine after all.

But this was different and Regulus knew that. If he told Barty how he felt and Barty didn't feel the same way back, things would change between them forever. But that little nagging part of his brain kept whispering that maybe Barty felt the same way. Regulus sure hoped that it was _him_ Barty was having gay sex fantasies about. He smiled and continued reading his textbook.

He was only vaguely aware of the chair opposite him suddenly becoming occupied, and he only looked up when Sirius spoke.

"The library seems to be our new spot," Sirius said.

"Are you here to study?" Regulus asked, noticing that Sirius didn't have any books or even a quill with him. "Or do you have detention again?"

"I came to spend time with my little brother," Sirius smiled.

"Right," Regulus said, sensing other vibes. "Well unfortunately I'm studying, so I won't be very good company."

"That's alright, you don't have to talk," Sirius said, shrugging and leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. "I can sit here and stare at you without you having to say a word – I mean, studying looks so sexy on you."

Regulus glanced around cautiously, hoping nobody had heard Sirius. "I thought we were being friends?" he whispered.

"We are friends," Sirius replied. "Very close friends… and we could always get… _closer_."

Regulus sighed. "Just friends, Sirius."

"I hear you have a thing for falling in love with friends," Sirius murmured. "I mean you've fallen in love with your friend already, you could do it again with _me_ … you know, your friend…"

"I have a feeling you have more than friendship on your mind," Regulus said, trying to focus on his textbook instead of Sirius's piercing gaze.

"Yeah, I do…" Sirius said. "I want to crawl under this table and do what I did to you that day at breakfast."

Regulus looked up and met Sirius's eyes, feeling his cheeks grow hot under Sirius's smouldering look. He couldn't talk about this. He couldn't sit here in this library when Sirius was trying to seduce him. He'd promised himself he would never let himself fall for Sirius ever again after all the heartbreak from last time. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't.

Regulus stood up abruptly and closed his textbook, throwing it into his bag. "Bye, Sirius," he mumbled as he walked past. Sirius grabbed his arm.

"Just think about the way I made you feel that morning."

"No, it's alright," Regulus replied, trying to escape Sirius's grasp.

"When I sucked your cock," Sirius whispered, biting his lower lip in an attempt to turn Regulus on. "Remember how you felt."

Regulus cleared his throat. "I felt embarrassed," he said. "Remember, everyone heard me… making noises… so yeah… I'd rather not feel that way again. Bye, Sirius."

Sirius sighed and released Regulus's arm. "Bye," he muttered as Regulus left the library.

* * *

When Regulus returned to the Slytherin common room, he spotted Barty sitting alone on one of the sofas staring intently into the fire. He decided to go and sit with him, because after his encounter with Sirius, staring into the fire seemed to be an appropriate reaction.

"Regulus, you're here. Thank god. I'm losing it," Barty said quickly, turning his attention away from the fire and at Regulus.

"Losing what?" Regulus asked.

"The plot!"

Regulus raised his eyebrows. "Sorry, but I think you lost that long ago. Wait, did you ever even have the plot to begin with?"

"Shut up!" Barty said. "I'm being serious. I need help."

"Fine. What's wrong?" Regulus asked, trying not to smile at Barty's frantic expression.

"I got asked out today by a girl!" Barty said loudly, his voice going up a few octaves mid-sentence.

Regulus tried hard to hide his disappointment. He knew the answer to his next question before he even asked it. "And what did you say?" Regulus asked.

"I just stood there staring at her with my mouth open," Barty said. "Like proper open. She started giving me a weird look so I closed my mouth and then I made a fool out of myself… well, I probably made a fool out of myself long before that with the whole mouth open thing but you know—"

"—Are you ever going to get to the point?" Regulus asked, smiling.

"I said no," Barty said, looking uneasy.

Regulus felt like a weight had just lifted off his chest and his smile was suddenly more relaxed. "So why is that a bad thing?"

"Because when have I ever said no to dating a girl, Reg?!" Barty yelled. A few heads turned.

"Keep it down if you don't want everyone to know," Regulus said.

"I'm bad at talking quietly when I'm stressed out!" Barty said quickly. "I'm _it_ , aren't I? The G word. Oh god. It's happened."

"It's okay," Regulus murmured, patting him on the back comfortingly. He was trying desperately not to laugh at the theatrics, and he was also trying not to become just as dramatically excited as Barty was worried.

"Take my mind off it!" Barty demanded. "How was your day after Quidditch?"

"I spoke to Sirius again," Regulus whispered.

"So how is your new friendship going?" Barty asked.

Regulus glanced around to make sure nobody could be listening. "He wants to give me a blowjob."

Barty looked extremely disturbed. "Oookayyy," he said, grimacing. "Too much information there, mate. If you didn't do it when you were together then why does he think you'll let him do it now that you're not together?"

Regulus felt himself blush.

"Wait…" Barty said. "OH MY GO—"

"Shut up!" Regulus hissed, covering Barty's mouth. When he felt it was safe to remove his hand, he did so.

"That time at breakfast when you got a blowjob under the table and everyone assumed it was a girl, but not me because I knew you were gay, but that was _him_! That was your brother! How did I not put two and two together? Oh my god. That's really wrong, but _wow._ Good on you."

"Are you done?"

"Yes."

"Good," Regulus said. "I said no, anyway. Because I only want to be his friend now."

Barty nodded. Regulus sighed and tried to ignore the loud hammering in his chest.

"I'm in love with someone else now and he knows that, so it was really inappropriate of him to ask."

"Who are you in love with?" Barty asked.

"I'll tell you if you tell me who you like," Regulus said, feeling terrified.

Barty suddenly looked uncomfortable and shook his head. "I… can't… I'm sorry."

Regulus sighed. "Then I can't either."

A group of Slytherins in the year below appeared next to where they were sitting. They started to snigger amongst themselves, occasionally throwing Regulus a dirty look. Regulus suddenly wanted to leave.

"My legs are _so_ tired but there are no sofas left to sit on," one of them said loudly.

"That match today was great," another said. "And when Regulus Black caught the snitch, it was crazy!"

"He rides his broom so well."

"Bet he wishes it was his brother," one of them sniggered, glancing over at Regulus with a smirk.

"He must be used to riding hard things."

They all started laughing.

"I need to go upstairs," Regulus said quickly, standing up and heading towards the dormitories.

"Thanks for the seat, Black!"

When Regulus got into his dormitory he slammed the door hard behind him and gritted his teeth. He was sick of people. Couldn't they just forget about his relationship with Sirius and move onto the next bit of shocking news?

The door opened and Barty stepped inside. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"They're a bunch of idiots," Barty said.

"I know," Regulus mumbled.

"And you weren't wishing the broom was Sirius," Barty said. "You were wishing it was your new guy."

Regulus's lips quirked up at this. "Sure, if you say so."

"Have you ever had gay sex? Like proper gay sex… you know…"

"I don't know what you mean," Regulus said, deciding it would be funny to watch Barty struggle with finding the right words to describe 'proper gay sex'.

"You know!" Barty replied, looking embarrassed.

"You'll have to explain what proper gay sex is…"

"SERIOUSLY," Barty said. "You know… when one person… ya know, he… um… don't pretend you don't know!"

Regulus just shrugged, trying not to laugh.

"ANAL SEX FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

"Ohhhh," Regulus said. "Right, _that_. No, I've never done that before. Why?"

"No reason," Barty said, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

"Do you want to do it?"

"Now?! I don't know, Reg. You're my friend and I don't even know if I'm gay yet and _proper gay sex_ is a bit much and besides would you do it to me or would I do it to you?! I don't think I can…"

"I wasn't talking about _us_ doing it!" Regulus said quickly, blushing. "Like you said, you're my friend! I was just asking if it's something you want to do with _someone_ , not _me_!"

"Oh," Barty replied, letting out a sigh of relief. "Good. Because it just got kind of awkward. But I don't know. It sounds painful. And if I did something like that, there's no going back right?"

"Right."

"Anyway, I have to go. I got a letter from Professor Dumbledore saying he wants to see me tonight. Wish me luck," Barty said, grimacing.

"Oh. That doesn't sound ominous," Regulus replied. "Good luck."

Barty smiled weakly and headed out of the dormitory, leaving Regulus alone.

Regulus sighed. He felt pretty certain now that the person Barty was thinking about wasn't him. He wasn't sure why he was so upset – surely he must have known that there was no way it could be him? But he'd hoped. The horrible feeling in his chest made him want to do bad things to himself that he tried not to think about. He wouldn't hurt himself. He wouldn't.

So he closed his eyes and thought about something, _anything_ else. And it worked, if only for the briefest of moments. He was okay with that for now.


	46. Moving On

After Sirius's detention a few nights ago where he'd spoken to Regulus again for the first time in months, he had hurried back to the Gryffindor common room to seek advice from James.

"James. A word – _now_."

James stood up with a look of confusion on his face and followed Sirius into the bathroom. When they were inside, Sirius turned around and breathed out slowly.

"I had detention and Regulus was there," Sirius said.

"Okay?"

"We _talked_ , James," Sirius said dramatically. "He actually _talked_ to me."

"That's… great," James said.

"You couldn't sound less enthusiastic if you tried," Sirius said. "He told me he just wants to be _brothers_. I mean, how could he say that after all we've been through?"

James raised his eyebrows. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you were a dick to him?"

"I wasn't _that_ bad—" Sirius said. At James's expression, he sighed. "Fine, I was bad. But how can he not want to _be_ with me?"

"If he doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't want to be with you. I'm sorry, but you can't force him," James said, smiling sympathetically at Sirius, who snorted.

"He _does_ want me," Sirius said. "He's just scared to admit it because he's scared I'll hurt him again. But I won't!"

"I think you should be telling _him_ this, not me."

"He's falling in love with his best friend," Sirius muttered, pouting. "His _friend_. His stupid Slytherin friend who is a bad influence and gets him drunk and will probably just use him for sex and then move onto someone else and break his heart."

"Are you talking about _Barty Crouch_?" James asked, his lip quirking up as though trying not to laugh.

"Yes," Sirius growled.

"Nah, he wouldn't do all those things. I know him – I've given him enough detentions. Honestly, he's harmless. He's a big dork, really. I think Regulus is safe from any unwanted sexual advances. The poor guy probably doesn't even know what sex _is_ , he's clueless."

"So are you saying that Regulus has fallen in love with a loser with no game?" Sirius asked, feeling annoyed that Regulus would pick Barty over him.

"Yeah, probably."

"I need to make Regulus want me again," Sirius said. "Got any ideas?"

"Here's an idea – don't do anything stupid," James said.

"I have an idea but can you tell me if it's stupid or not?" Sirius asked. James sighed and shrugged.

"Sure," James said.

"What if I make Regulus's friend like _me_ before he can start dating Regulus? And then Regulus can see us together and be jealous, and soon enough he'll realise that he's jealous because _he_ wants to kiss me. And this plan also stops them from getting together. It's genius! Right? James? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Don't do it man," James said quickly. "Bad idea. You can't mess with peoples' feelings like that."

"By 'people' do you mean his friend?" Sirius asked, rolling his eyes. "Because I couldn't care less about his friend's feelings. I just want him to stop loving him. The only way to do that is to date the guy myself."

"Hey, don't say I didn't warn you," James said, putting his hands up in defeat. "You told me to tell you whether your idea was stupid, and _yes_ it is stupid. But you won't listen anyway, because you never do. So go on, see what happens when you screw up again."

Sirius grinned. "So I have your approval?"

"Not at all."

"Thanks, James," Sirius said, patting James on the shoulder. He headed out of the bathroom and over to his bed where he pulled a roll of parchment and a quill and ink out of his bedside table. He put the quill to the parchment and began writing easily:

' _I request that you come to see me tomorrow evening at eight o'clock outside my office._

_Professor Dumbledore'_

He put the note into an envelope and wrote ' _Barty Crouch'_ on the front. He handed the letter to his owl and watched as it swooped off into the night veering downwards towards the lower parts of the castle where the Slytherin common room was.

When Sirius fell asleep that night, he did so with a mischievous grin on his face.

* * *

Sirius stood waiting on the corridor outside Professor Dumbledore's office the following evening, waiting impatiently for Barty to arrive. He wasn't really sure how he was going to get the guy to ask him out, but he knew for sure it had to be Barty who asked _him_ , not the other way around – otherwise Regulus might blame him.

He heard footsteps and decided it was probably a good idea to ruffle up his hair a little bit and loosen his tie. He wanted to look tousled – tousled was sexy. He leaned back against the wall and waited.

Sure enough, a few moments later Barty walked around the corner. He glanced at Sirius, smiled a little bit and then turned his attention to the entrance to Dumbledore's office and headed towards it.

Sirius cleared his throat, the sound echoing off the walls. "Hey," he said in a low voice.

Barty looked around and then he looked at Sirius. "Are you talking to _me_?"

 _Who else_ , Sirius thought sarcastically. _Wow, this guy really is stupid._

"Yes," Sirius said, walking towards him. He didn't stop walking till his face was inches away from Barty's. The Slytherin took a cautious step back.

"Um, well then… hi… I guess."

"I called you here to talk to you," Sirius continued, trying to ignore the thoughts that were popping into his head about how _not_ his type Barty was.

"No, I got a note from Professor Dumbledore asking me to come here and see him," Barty said, looking confused.

Sirius smiled. "That was me. I needed to get you here."

"Really?" Barty asked. "Why? I don't think you've ever spoken to me in your life, so why now?"

Sirius sighed. "Look, I know…"

Barty just stared blankly at him as though Sirius hadn't said a word.

 _Seriously_ , Sirius thought in frustration. _Why is Regulus interested in this guy?_

"I know about _you_ …" Sirius finished, hoping it would prompt Barty to say something.

"You _know_ about me?" Barty repeated. "Hm, this isn't creepy at all."

"I know that you're gay," Sirius whispered, but even his whisper echoed off the walls. At this, Barty suddenly became very fidgety and his eyes darted around the corridor to make sure nobody was there.

"What are you talking about?" Barty hissed, looking terrified. "I'm not… not… you know, _that_. Who told you that?"

Sirius shrugged and smirked. "Nobody had to tell me. I figured it out. You're pretty obvious."

"Obvious?!"

"Mmhmm," Sirius said quietly. "I saw the way you were staring at me the other day. And not just _me_ , I've seen the way you stare at loads of the guys at this school. You're gay. Trust me, I know how you're feeling. I remember when I first realised _I_ was gay."

Barty closed his eyes. He looked as though he was going to cry, and Sirius really didn't want that.

"It's okay," Sirius said quickly. "I won't tell anyone. I just wanted to talk to you – I mean I wish I had someone to talk to me about it when I found out I was gay."

"I never stared at you," Barty said. "Don't know where you came up with that."

"Hm, seemed like it to me," Sirius shrugged. "I mean, I'm used to people staring so maybe I just imagined it."

"Yeah… you did," Barty replied. "But you were staring at me! This morning, at breakfast. I remember. Why were you staring at me?"

Sirius let out a fake nervous laugh. "Um, possibly because when I realised you might be gay I suddenly started watching you a lot because I was curious and now I really want to date you."

"You want to date _me_?!" Barty practically yelled, looking a mixture of shocked and amused.

 _No I really really don't but if I don't you're going to steal the love of my life_.

"Yeah," Sirius said softly. "Yeah, I guess I do." He ran his hand through his hair in an attempt to look nervous.

"Well," Barty said, pursing his lips. "That's… very… uh, unexpected. Unfortunately you're wrong about me being gay… and also… I couldn't ever date _you_. No offence."

"Look," Sirius said, getting annoyed and trying hard to hide it. "I know I'm one of the most popular guys in the school, okay. Is it so crazy that I could want _you_? If we did date, it's not like I would yell it out for the whole school to hear."

Barty raised his eyebrows. "No, if anyone did find out you'd just blame everything on me and tell everyone I'd been forcing myself on you. Wouldn't you?"

Sirius should have expected this sort of reaction, but it didn't make Barty's words hurt any less. "About that… I made a mistake. I'd _never_ do something like that again."

"Yeah, I'm sure…" Barty said. "Anyway, I should get going. Nice speaking to you."

With that, he walked away leaving Sirius standing alone and frustrated in the middle of the corridor. Why did this have to be so hard? He was hoping that Barty would be easy to manipulate, but now it seemed to be a bit of a challenge. He wasn't complaining though – he liked challenges.

* * *

Sirius was sitting Defense Against the Dark Arts, watching as Peter failed miserably at producing a patronus charm. Today they were just recapping some spells that may come up in their NEWTs.

"You're doing it wrong," Sirius said. "It's 'Expecto _Patronum_ '."

"That's what I said!" Peter muttered, looking irritated.

"You said 'Expecto Patronium'," James pointed out.

Peter sighed. "That's what Sirius just said the spell was, though. I'm so confused."

"Do 'Patronum' and 'Patronium' sound the same to you?" Remus asked, peering over the large book he was reading about another advanced spell they needed to know.

"No," Peter said uncertainly. "Wait, which one was the correct one again?"

They all groaned, and Remus moved out of his seat to go and help Peter with the spell.

"It's so hot in here," James moaned. "No wonder none of us can get any of these spells right. We're all about to have heat stroke."

"It's because I'm standing next to you, isn't it?" Sirius said, winking. James whacked him in the arm.

"I hope that's not the kind of lame comments you make to try and flirt with Regulus's friend," James said.

"What, it's true. I'm hot," Sirius shrugged.

"EXPECTRO PANDIMONIUM!" Peter yelled in frustration, waving his wand around frantically as he tried to make something happen. "THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!"

_BANG!_

Peter's wand must have sent a spark of something towards Remus's bag, where there was a game of exploding snap in one of the compartments. The ignition of the exploding snap caused a large explosion in the middle of the classroom, sending both Remus and Peter flying backwards into the desks.

Sirius and James jumped back just in time to avoid being hit by the blast. Some of the students were screaming, some laughing.

The teacher ran towards Remus and Peter. "Are you boys alright? Oh dear, get yourselves to the hospital wing immediately! Be more careful next time, Mr Pettigrew!"

Sirius watched as Peter and Remus got up, both looking very singed. Peter gave Remus a sheepish innocent smile, while Remus just looked annoyed, wincing as he limped out of the classroom and towards the hospital wing.

"Well, back to work!" the teacher yelled, clapping her hands together.

Sirius sniggered. "Did you see their faces?"

"What I don't understand is how Peter managed to become an animagus, but he can't even produce a patronus," James said. "It's not _that_ difficult."

"Maybe he doesn't have any happy memories," Sirius said. "I can relate to that."

"Mate," James said. "He has plenty of happy moments. And besides, _you_ have no problem producing a patronus despite all your family problems."

Sirius smiled. "I think about when I was with Reg. Those were the happiest moments of my life."

"Eww, please. I don't need to hear this," James said, grimacing.

Sirius loved annoying James with things like this. "You don't even want to hear about the time I snuck under the Slytherin table at breakfast wearing your invisibility cloak and—"

"—SIRIUS STOP IT," James yelled. "Wait, wearing _my_ invisibility cloak?!"

Sirius nodded, smirking.

"Is this the time you asked to borrow it and I told you not to get any bodily fluids on it?" James asked. He was beginning to look more and more disturbed by the second.

"Yep."

"Oh god. I don't want to know, Sirius," James shuddered.

"Let's just say, it involved a blowjob—"

"—SIRIUS, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Wait, you did this in the _great hall_ during _breakfast_?" James asked.

"Yep," Sirius said again, grinning.

"You rebel," James replied, shaking his head. Sirius watched as James suddenly stood up straighter and cleared his throat. "Lily, how nice to see you," he said, his voice lower than it had been a few moments ago when he was talking to Sirius.

"Hello, James," Lily replied. "I'd like to speak to you about something."

James nodded quickly and then shot a 'go away' look at Sirius. Sirius took the hint and walked away to another part of the classroom.

He stood by the window, staring out. He smiled when he noticed Regulus outside. Sirius liked looking at Regulus from afar – he looked happy and relaxed. The opposite of how he looked when Sirius was with him. Sirius could only blame himself for this.

"Mr Black, I don't see you practicing any spells! Get back to work!" the teacher said sternly. Sirius quickly turned around and headed back over to James.

"James. Prongs. Hello? Are you okay?" Sirius asked worriedly as he watched James, who seemed to be out of it. He was swaying slightly and then before Sirius could do anything, James was on the floor.

"OH DEAR, SOMEONE GET HIM TO THE HOSPITAL WING!"

"I'll do it," Sirius said. Lily came running over and helped Sirius lift James off the ground.

Sirius shot her an angry glance. "What did you say to the poor guy?" he asked.

"I… asked him out," Lily said quietly. Sirius almost dropped James on the ground again at her words.

"You _asked him out_?"

"Yes," Lily said, laughing a little. "I guess he was a bit surprised."

"Damn," Sirius said. "Did he get a chance to answer you?"

"He said yes," Lily replied. "Come on, let's get him to the hospital wing."

* * *

Sirius wasn't sure what to do with himself as he stood outside the hospital wing. All three of his best friends were in there and he wasn't sure which one to talk to first. He still found it hilarious that James had fainted because Lily had asked him out.

Madame Pomfrey opened the door. "You may come in to visit."

Sirius headed inside the hospital wing and laughed as he saw Peter, Remus and James all lying next to each other in their hospital beds.

"I should take a picture of this," Sirius said.

"Shut up," James muttered. "I'm okay to go."

"Oh no you're not!" Madame Pomfrey said. "I still have some tests to do on you to make sure you don't faint again."

"I told you," James muttered. "I was just really hot in that classroom and I didn't drink enough water. Sirius, tell her."

Sirius sniggered. "Yeah _sure_ … that's the only reason you fainted."

James glared at him from his hospital bed. "I didn't faint because of Lily…. Oh god… SHE ASKED ME OUT. I ALMOST FORGOT FOR A SECOND!"

"Wait, Lily asked you out?" Peter asked from across the room.

"YES!"

Madame Pomfrey rolled her eyes and headed into the office to leave the boys alone for a few minutes.

"I'm happy for you, James," Remus croaked.

James smiled at Remus. "Thanks. That means a lot, coming from you."

Sirius knew that James was talking about the fact that Remus used to be in love with Lily too.

"As for _you_ ," Remus said, staring at Peter. "Listen to me next time I'm trying to teach you spells. Don't just wave your wand around like an idiot."

"I'm sorry," Peter mumbled, looking ashamed. "I didn't mean to hurt you… us."

"It's alright," Remus replied. "Sirius, can you get me some chocolate?"

"What am I, the chocolate delivery guy?" Sirius asked. The look that Remus responded with was enough to turn Sirius into the 'chocolate delivery guy'. "Coming right up!" he said, heading out of the hospital wing.

Just as Sirius reached the top of the moving staircase, he heard his name being called. He swivelled around to see Regulus at the bottom of the staircase. Sirius was about to go back down when the staircase decided to move, leaving them staring at each other from across the huge room.

"What's up!?" Sirius yelled across to him.

Regulus folded his arms and stood back against the wall, not looking happy. Sirius suddenly felt like he didn't want to have this conversation.

"Wait till the staircase moves back and I can yell at you somewhere more private," Regulus said, loud enough for Sirius to hear him. Sirius didn't like Regulus's tone. Knowing that it would probably only make things worse, Sirius shuffled backwards out of Regulus's view.

He didn't want an argument with Regulus. He just wanted to get the chocolate and deliver it back to Remus. So that was what he decided to do. He noticed the staircase moving back and ran down the corridor in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius was pretty sure he'd just made Regulus even angrier with him, but he would deal with it later. He was also pretty sure he knew the reason Regulus wanted to yell at him in the first place – his friend had probably told him about Sirius's flirting in the corridor.

When Sirius got into the dormitory, he grabbed the chocolates from Remus's bedside table and headed back out again. Of course, Regulus was waiting outside the Gryffindor common room for him.

 _Damn it_ , he thought as he clutched the pile of chocolate bars to his chest.

"Oh, hello Reg," Sirius said, smiling broadly at him.

Regulus raised his eyebrows as he looked first at Sirius's face and then at all the chocolate and then back at Sirius's face. Regulus looked like he was either going to start laughing or start yelling.

"Did you really just _run_ away from me?" Regulus asked. He seemed to be trying not to smile.

Sirius shrugged. "Remus needs chocolate."

"I can see that… that's a lot of chocolate for one person," Regulus said.

"This is Remus we're talking about," Sirius replied. "This is _nothing_."

Regulus nodded. "Tell him I said hi."

"Will do. So I should be going," Sirius said, trying to sneak away. Regulus grabbed his arm.

"Sirius," he said. "I came here to talk to you."

"I thought you were going to yell at me?" Sirius asked.

"I might," Regulus said. "I haven't decided yet because… well, I just haven't decided."

"Because what?" Sirius asked.

"Just because, and we're getting off topic," Regulus said, going red. "I wanted to talk to or yell at you—"

"—Why haven't you decided?" Sirius asked curiously. He wasn't going to let this go. "What made you not want to yell at me?"

"Sirius, really—"

"—Reg?" Sirius said softly.

"Because you were being… you know…" Regulus looked down at his feet.

"I was being…?"

"Adorable, okay?" Regulus muttered, his face going bright red again.

"Adorable?" Sirius repeated. "I'm not adorable. Sexy, _definitely._ But not adorable."

Regulus cleared his throat. "Look, Sirius. Barty told me about your conversation with him. He was really confused as to why you were suddenly all interested in him and by the way, I'm really confused about that too."

"I've always had a thing for him," Sirius lied, trying to avoid Regulus's eyes.

"Have you now?" Regulus asked. "This has _nothing_ about me telling you how I feel about him?"

"Nope."

"You're such a liar," Regulus said, sounding annoyed. "I thought you wanted me to be happy? And then you go and try and steal him before I get the chance to admit my feelings."

"Steal him?" Sirius asked, trying not to laugh. "He's a person. He can't be stolen. And he wasn't even yours to begin with…"

"You know what I mean, Sirius," Regulus hissed, now obviously very annoyed. "Go and find someone else, because you're not even interested in him and you're only doing it because you're selfish."

"Wow," Sirius said. "Fine, maybe I'm not interested in him."

"So back off, then," Regulus replied.

"I'm interested in _you_ , Reg," Sirius whispered loudly, grabbing his hands. "I _want_ you. Please. I _know_ you still have feelings for me."

Regulus tried to pull his hands away. "Sirius, I—even if I did still have feelings for you, it just—let go of my hands, Sirius!"

Sirius let go of his hands reluctantly. "You _do_ still have feelings for me. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. Just stop being stubborn and accept it and we can go back to how we were."

"I'm not being stubborn!" Regulus said.

Sirius grabbed his hands again. "Then look me in the eyes and tell me you don't still have romantic feelings for me."

Regulus was avoiding eye contact at all costs, looking anywhere but Sirius.

"Reg—"

"—I do, okay!" Regulus yelled. "I have feelings for you still. Happy?"

"Yeah, actually," Sirius said, letting go of Regulus's hands and grinning.

"I have feelings for him too," Regulus said. "And he's much better for me than you are."

"You're so wrong, Reg," Sirius murmured. "I know you better than he ever could. I love you more than he ever could. I can protect you. I can make you feel safe and happy. I can make you laugh, and I can make you smile. You can be honest with me about _anything_ and I will never look at you any different. I'm much better for you than he is."

Regulus sighed and shook his head. "You might be right, but it doesn't change anything. Maybe I don't need any of that right now. I love him, Sirius. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. And he might not love me, I don't know. But I want to find out."

"Do you honestly believe he can do any of those things for you that I mentioned?" Sirius asked, feeling his heart breaking with each of Regulus's words.

"Maybe, maybe not," Regulus replied quietly. "But maybe I can do some of those things for him. With _you_ , you were always the one to take care of me and I loved that but I want to take care of him."

Sirius nodded, trying to remain calm. He hated this. If he could turn back time and take back his mistakes he'd do it in a heartbeat. He'd lost the love of his life, and it looked like he'd never get a second chance.

"Is there anything I can say or do to change your mind?" Sirius asked.

Regulus smiled sadly and gently caressed Sirius's cheek. Sirius felt the touch even after Regulus's hand was long gone like it had left an imprint there forever.

"I love you, Sirius," Regulus whispered. "But trust me, this is better for both of us. We would never have worked."

"You're wrong."

Regulus shook his head. "I'm not," he replied. "You better get that chocolate to Remus before he hunts you down."

"Reg—" Sirius started.

"Just go, Sirius. I've said all I needed to say."

Sirius started to walk away but stopped and turned around. "I'm sorry."

"About?"

"I'm sorry about what I said to Barty," Sirius said. "It was selfish. I did it because I didn't want you and him to get together and I thought if I started dating him you'd get jealous and realise you wanted to be with me after all. And I'm sorry for ever hurting you."

Regulus nodded. "Thank you. For saying that."

"I'm sorry about all those horrible things I said to you in the hospital wing that day. About you cutting your wrists. You're not pathetic. The things I said that day have haunted me ever since I said them, and I am _so_ sorry. I know how much you struggled with it, and you are the strongest person I know for overcoming it. I'm proud of you."

"There's no need to be proud," Regulus said quickly, suddenly looking uncomfortable. Sirius knew that Regulus didn't really like talking about his self-harming.

Sirius nodded. "Well, you're right – I better get back to Remus. I'll see you around."

"Bye," Regulus said quietly as Sirius walked away.

* * *

Sirius was very quiet when he returned to the hospital wing and his friends didn't fail to notice this unusual behaviour. After around ten minutes of Sirius sitting in silence while James, Remus and Peter chatted in their hospital beds, James groaned.

"Sirius, mate, what's going on?" he asked.

"Hm?" Sirius asked, breaking out of his thoughts and focusing on James who was staring at him worriedly.

"You've been quiet for ages," James said. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Sirius said.

"And Wormtail doesn't like cheese," James said, rolling his eyes. "Tell us."

Peter looked confused. "But I do like cheese."

"He was being sarcastic," Remus said. "Sirius, have some chocolate. You'll feel better."

"Chocolate won't make me feel better," Sirius replied. "I need a boyfriend."

"I'm guessing your plan didn't go—" James started.

"—Regulus found out," Sirius said quickly. "His friend is off-limits. And so is Reg. So I need someone else. I need to move on."

"I'm so confused," Peter said.

"Me too," Remus said between mouthfuls of chocolate. "Are you and Regulus back together or?"

"No. And he loves someone else. So I just need to find someone else and move on before I die of sadness."

"You're so bloody dramatic," James said, shaking his head. "You won't die of sadness."

Sirius glared at him. "I will."

"You won't, Sirius," Remus said softly. "It will take time, but you will move on. Just like he has. You'll find someone else and soon enough you will be over Regulus and you'll be happy."

"I'll try," Sirius muttered. "Do any of you guys know any gay people?"

"Yeah," Peter said. "That guy. The one you dated."

"Will Parker?" Sirius grimaced. "He was annoying. He was only with me to get closer to Remus so he could date him."

Remus seemed to choke on his chocolate bar. "WHAT?!"

"Yeah. He has a thing for you," Sirius said, laughing at Remus's expression.

"He knows I'm straight, right?" Remus said quickly. "I always wondered why he hung out with me so much when you two were together."

"He knows your straight," Sirius replied. "Guess he thought he could turn you gay."

Remus cleared his throat and went back to nibbling on his chocolate bar.

"Come on, guys. There must be more gay people in this school."

Sirius watched as Remus and James exchanged glances and seemed to have telepathic conversation.

"Guys!" Sirius whined. "I can't understand your silent conversation."

"There is someone else," James said uncertainly. "But Remus and I don't think it's a good idea because the guy is a complete prat."

"But he's the only other gay guy we know," Remus said. "But like James said, he's awful. Extremely full of himself."

James nodded in agreement. "He thinks the sun shines out of his arse."

"What James said," Remus added.

"Sounds like you're trying to set Sirius up with Sirius," Peter sniggered.

"Shut up, Wormtail," Sirius muttered. He turned his attention back to James and Remus. "Who is he?"

"Gilderoy Lockhart," Remus said. "He's in the year below us. James and I know him from prefect meetings. Sirius, he's a last resort. I honestly can't imagine him being good boyfriend material."

Sirius wasn't sure he knew who this Gilderoy Lockhart guy was. "What house is he in?"

"Ravenclaw," James said. "You _do_ know him, Sirius. He's the dude who started that pampering club last year that nobody joined. Remember he convinced Dumbledore to stand up in front of the whole school to make the announcement that he was going to start the club? We were laughing at him."

"Ohhh," Sirius said, remembering. " _Him_."

"Ew, I know who you're talking about," Peter said. "He once thought I was a first year and told me he'd "take me under his wing" and teach me how to look just like him."

"Well, I guess he'll have to do," Sirius said, shrugging. "Do you think he knows who I am?"

"Sirius, you're _Sirius Black_ ," James pointed out. "Everyone knows who you are."

"True," Sirius grinned, standing up. "Wish me luck!"

"Good luck," the other three chimed in, all sounding rather unenthusiastic. Sirius headed out of the hospital wing with a bounce to his step. He was actually excited. He would ask Gilderoy Lockhart out and maybe fall in love with him, but if not, he might at least make Regulus jealous. It was a win-win.


End file.
